Doing the decent thing ... ?? « Singletrack Forum

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Doing the decent thing ... ??

41 posts & 25 voices | Started 1 year ago by DrJ | Latest reply from hora

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Practical Matt is a liar

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DrJ - Member

I have a friend (yes) who has been going out with a lady for about a year. He really likes her and would like to continue the relationship, but ...

she is knocking against biological clock time and keeps saying she wants kids before it's too late. He umms and aahs and changes the subject. In truth he doesn't want kids, but he doesn't want to give up seeing this lady.

So, is he a selfish bastard, or is all fair in love and war? Should he tell her straight out that he doesn't want kids, full stop, or leave her to figure it out and do what's best for her.

Posted 1 year ago #
bruneep - Member

Just ~~you~~ tell your friend to tell her how it is, think of the children.

Posted 1 year ago #
badnewz - Member

he can just get the snip and not tell her. bob's your uncle. unless he doesn't want to be an uncle too.

Posted 1 year ago #
rOcKeTdOg - Member

Tell her, if he can't talk to her about something like this then the relationship isn't worth having anyway

Posted 1 year ago #
flip - Member

Just keep seeing her and keep changing the subject, total denial of a problem is the best course of action everytime.

Posted 1 year ago #
johnners - Member

The best long-term relationships are based around deceit and manipulation.

He should keep stringing her along for as long as possible in the hope he can prevaricate until she will no longer be able to have the children she wants.

Then she'll have no option but to stay with him rather than seek a new relatiobship with another man whose attitude to parenthood is more in tune with hers.

Posted 1 year ago #
donks - Member

he needs to get it sorted otherwise she'll be up the duff and he'll have a huge decision ahead of him.

Posted 1 year ago #
donks - Member

But Johners advice is pure genius....and he used the word "prevaricate".

Posted 1 year ago #
samuri - Member

she'll just go and shag someone else, get up the duff and then tell him it's his.

Plus she'll probably go mental and start talking about kids during sex, BIG TURN OFF!!

Posted 1 year ago #
MrNutt - Member

Sounds like all prophylactics will be riddled with pin holes, tell your friend he's doomed!

Posted 1 year ago #
DrJ - Member

The best long-term relationships are based around deceit and manipulation.

Well, his definition of "long term" is "the shag after next" so a few porkies are of little consequence.

Posted 1 year ago #
nicko74 - Member

so a few porkies
yes, but it's the porking that leads to the kids!

Has "your friend" considered that his view may change over time? Sure, he may not want them now, but in a year or two he might be less averse to the idea. Not exactly keen, but less likely to run for the hills...

Posted 1 year ago #
DrJ - Member

Has "your friend" considered that his view may change over time? Sure, he may not want them now, but in a year or two he might be less averse to the idea. Not exactly keen, but less likely to run for the hills...

In a way that's the point - should he (and it's not me, honest!!) keep seeing her as the clock ticks, on the off chance that his views will change? Do we always have to tell our girlfriends (not "life partners") EVERYTHING ?

Posted 1 year ago #
rOcKeTdOg - Member

Do we always have to tell our girlfriends (not "life partners") EVERYTHING ?

maybe not how much you have spent on bike stuff, but wether or not you want kids might be something i'd like to make plain

Posted 1 year ago #
iDave - Member

i've had a few split ups as i said i wasn't going to do the baby thing again. there are plenty of other women you/your friend can find who don't want kids.

Posted 1 year ago #
Junkyard - Member

Yes he should say this out right. She will leave whatever happens and better to do it whilst she is still able to have children with someone else. Does he really want to deprive someone having children? Is he that selfish?

Posted 1 year ago #
PJM1974 - Member

He should cut his losses and go elsewhere.

I had a similar issue a few years back. She wanted kids, I didn't. I was straight from the word go about this.

She got her friends to gang up on me to tell me I had to have kids. When that didn't work, she got my friends and family to do the same.

I finished the relationship when she started getting "forgetful" with her contraceptive pills.

Posted 1 year ago #
BigJohn - Member

But Johners advice is pure genius....and he used the word "prevaricate".

I was more impressed by his use of the neologism "relatiobship".

Posted 1 year ago #
Practical Matt - Member

+1 Junkyard.

I played the field a fair bit as a younger man (early twenties) and had a panchent for the older lady (late twenties early thirties) as they knew what they wanted and usualy went like trains, but anyway I digress...

I would quite often be confronted by the old Bio-clock whereupon I would just be honest and say I was just enjoying the fun we were having and wanted to enjoy the moment without anything else as I was under no impression that we were anything other than just using each other.

They'd usually understand, get a bit tearful sometimes and try to seduce me with promises of financial security if I sired them a sprog- one sold her house and moved from Darlington to Leicester to try and get me to settle down with her!!! But I was always honest as I didn't want them to think I was after anything else other than a bit of a fling.

I knew I was a cad and was always honest about this from the start, they just usualy kidded themselves they were going to be the one to change me.

Catharsis over.

Posted 1 year ago #
tiger_roach - Member

Is marriage relevant here? I mean would she want to marry before having kids? She must realise he isn't so keen and maybe she is struggling to work out whether if she tries to find someone else that might cause more delay anyway. So maybe she'll trick him into give her his seed sometime?

Posted 1 year ago #
Mrs Toast - Member

Yes he should say this out right. She will leave whatever happens and better to do it whilst she is still able to have children with someone else. Does he really want to deprive someone having children? Is he that selfish?

maybe not how much you have spent on bike stuff, but whether or not you want kids might be something I'd like to make plain

^ These men are wise.

Posted 1 year ago #
johnners - Member

I was more impressed by his use of the neologism "relatiobship".

That's a bit harsh, b's right next to the n! It's not like I'm hora...

Posted 1 year ago #
D0NK - Member

Practical Matt how old are you? 70? using the word ~~panchent~~ penchant and describing yourself as a cad? but I'm in agreement with the older laydee stuff

Anyway yep be honest it'll end in tears otherwise.

TBH the lady needs to WTFU and give a "baby or split up" ultimatum if it's that important to her.

Posted 1 year ago #
hora - Member

DrJ how old is she and how old is he? Do they live together yet and for how long?

What is her past? Has she come out of a previous longterm relationship within a year of starting this one?

Posted 1 year ago #
sweepy - Member

I'd be honest, but I'd go beyond that and start taking responsibility for contraception myself (vasectomy best IMO) Some people can get a huge sense of entitlement about having children, which can lead to pressure or even deceit. If your freind wanted children he'd know by now, and 'wanting' them when they are a fait accompli is not the same thing.

Posted 1 year ago #
Cougar - Member

"I don't want children, however shall we continue to sh@g like crazed weasels until you find someone who does?"

Posted 1 year ago #
rOcKeTdOg - Member

Mrs Toast - Member

Yes he should say this out right. She will leave whatever happens and better to do it whilst she is still able to have children with someone else. Does he really want to deprive someone having children? Is he that selfish?

maybe not how much you have spent on bike stuff, but whether or not you want kids might be something I'd like to make plain

^ These men are wise.

it's the first time i've ever been called that...i shall dine out on that for many a day!

Posted 1 year ago #
mrsflash - Member

yup he's got to tell her outright, it's not fair otherwise - as mrs toast says it's just selfish.

Posted 1 year ago #
DrJ - Member

DrJ how old is she and how old is he? Do they live together yet and for how long?

What is her past? Has she come out of a previous longterm relationship within a year of starting this one?

I think they are both early 40's. They don't live together. She was in a relationship for about 10 years immediately prior to meeting him.

What is your diagnosis?

Posted 1 year ago #
hora - Member

Right.

Has she come out of a previous longterm relationship within a year of starting this one?

This was my biggest fear. I'd say its not the right set up to bring a child into the world.

Yes you can bring up a well-adjusted child in any situation however its not the best/most-stable basis to start planning a family is it? A cynic could argue that if your not even leaving together your not close enough to go through such a tumorous-time.

Speak to her, say you both need to live with each other first THEN have a conversation down the line. You need to see if you both get on living in each others face first.

Its almost as though she wants to skip a few steps asap to fulfil a longing- not a good recipe for long-term stability. Explain you need to go back a couple of steps and investigate if the relationship would work living together first and review in a year.

all the best

Posted 1 year ago #
brassneck - Member

whether or not you want kids might be something i'd like to make plain

Amen.

MTFU and be straight with her, take the consequences.

I've had friends who've had long term relationships forever on the promise of'next year we'll live together/get married/have kids' when the c*ck weasel involved had no intention of following through. It's never them that suffers in the fall out is it?

Posted 1 year ago #
hora - Member

You don't even know if your at the right time in the relationship i.e. its stable enough.

Posted 1 year ago #
mrsflash - Member

think you're missing the point Hora, if he absolutely doesn't want kids and she absolutely does, there just isn't any future in the relationship, it doesn't matter whether theyr're compatible living together or not. It's a fundemental thing that needs to be agreed on reasonably early on, the older the woman is, the earlier it needs to be broached really. And if she's early 40s even more so, it would be downright cruel to string her along.

Posted 1 year ago #
hora - Member

Academic isn't it mrsflash/yes you are right. The OP's friend needs to speak /say this and make it blatantly clear so there is no misunderstanding. Agree.

Posted 1 year ago #
Junkyard - Member

Mrs flash is correct the ladies fecundity [ how rare it is to get to use this word]is rapidly diminishing and he has no interest in having children. They may be madly in love and be the most perfect couple when they live together, except they wont. She wants children he does not ever. It is very cruel to not MTFU and say this.
Cheers Mrs Toast a female calling a man wise on a relationship thread... how rare

Posted 1 year ago #