I’m sure we’ve all got some horror stories about daft work colleagues

These are my current highlights:
“How do you add two cells together in Excel”
and “How do you work out 10 percent”

Bear in mind I work in the sales dept of a large multinational IT company

I am currently working for a company who have the most varied and exciting number of technical cock ups in their software. Their head developer who hired me to fix things has been implementing dates as strings throughout the whole application. Every time I have to write a line of code including a date, I have to handle ’01/01/2000′ as this is their equivalent of a null. I asked why? He told me it was because the dates are not nullable… but you are using strings? I still can’t fathom the thought process.

Too nerdy? I’ll get my coat.

Overheard in our Marketing dept.:

“Is Surrey a town or a city?”

One poor lass in our company actually asked the whole office if Dinosaurs were actually real !

I visited a chemical company in the UK yesterday, very large supplier of paints and agricultural fertlisers, to offer advise to some post grads on pump installation and the fluid dynamics within the pump system they had designed.
The technician allocated to support us carrying out some test runs arrived with a pair of mole grips!!
A lot of the bolts holding the skid together were loose, oddly.

Not so much daft as lacklustre and mentally idle.

Lady who works in our accounts dept could not work out a percentage because there was no percentage key on her calculator.

“Did you go anywhere at the weekend?”
“We went to Waitrose – we like it there”

“We watched that Benjamin Button film last night”
“What’s it about?”
“About a man who’s born old and gets younger”
“Is it a true story?”

I have a female colleague who starts most sentences with ” I am not being orrible, but” and then proceeds to insult everyone from the MD down.

Drives me insane.

Ooh I forgot the lad I used to work with who thought raw carrots were poisonous.

Sadly root vegetables were not his only area of ignorance

One poor lass in our company actually asked the whole office if Dinosaurs were actually real !

Creationist?

Our reception apprentice thought the new fangled electric buses in our city drew their power from out of the road somehow – she was worried the buses wouldn’t be running the day that we had a power-cut at work.

One girl I used to work with was convinced that she could have her baby by keyhole surgery… 😯

Not a colleague but someone in the office downstairs.

Sees an empty car park covered in snow. Parks her car at the entrance of the car park ‘so she can get out’. I point out no-one else can get in.

And a girl I used to work with who thought Lucas Industries (a client we were working with at the time) made Lucozade.

She also dreamed of being either:

A high class ‘Escort’ – she didn’t think she would ‘have’ to give rich clients hand jobs.

or

A spy

One girl I used to work with was convinced that she could have her baby by keyhole surgery…

Maybe she’s confusing it with conception.

I’m currently watching 4 people trying to get sound on someone’s laptop to come out of headphones rather than the in-built speakers. I would help but it’s more amusing watching, especially as the manager’s stress builds (supposed to be on a web meeting).

Girl I worked with asked why I used to get changed after my cycling commute, why not just cycle in my work clothes. ‘Because i come through a field and its muddy’ I replied. She then sat quietly and asked ‘should she get changed at work too as she has to drive through country lanes which are often muddy’.

Same girl in a meeting on saving money put her hand up to say she was saving money by sharpening pencils at both ends as you get more out if them.

A lad at a computer games shop I worked at was sent from the job centre to get some work experience. I asked him to alphabet a draw of games, he sat quietly for a few hours doing it, then declared he didn’t really know much of the alphabet so he stopped at J and did the rest in the order he thought was the best game.

Chap I used to work with was convinced the sky was blue because it reflected off the sea!

We had an engineering draffie once ask, 6″… is that 150mm or 300mm?

Trimix – Member
One poor lass in our company actually asked the whole office if Dinosaurs were actually real !

have to post this

Our reception apprentice thought the new fangled electric buses in our city drew their power from out of the road somehow – she was worried the buses wouldn’t be running the day that we had a power-cut at work.

Well, there’s a certain logic if you think about tube trains, etc.

One of the old Cobol developers (legacy system to be retired this year, finally!) here wrote some code which added one the number of seconds in a datetime to make the record unique. It was a string in the flat file, the problem was this data was replicated into a database as a data time, surprise surprise! the database didn’t recognise

22/01/2013 13:01: and 63 seconds!!! as a valid time 🙄

She still to this day doesn’t think what she did was stupid!

A lad at a computer games shop I worked at was sent from the job centre to get some work experience. I asked him to alphabet a draw of games, he sat quietly for a few hours doing it, then declared he didn’t really know much of the alphabet so he stopped at J and did the rest in the order he thought was the best game.

Enjoyed that.

Have you seen those black zip neck tops that policemen wear these days?

How thick do you have to be to put it on back to front, drive to work like that, endure 15 minutes of not-especially-subtle remarks during the briefing, then remark ‘Oh bollocks’, dash back to the locker room having finally realised something is amiss with your uniform, then return to the briefing threading your belt through your trouser loops, still with your polo shirt on backwards.

Craig didn’t make it through his probation.

Can’t really add anything to these as I’m the daft one around here but I’ll presume the IT bods all know the daily wtf?

Is it time to post the clip of Balotelli trying to put a bib on yet?

I work in a garage and after asking the young lad 3 times if he could waggle a wheel for me he got really mad shouting back arsily “I DON’T WANT A WAGONWHEEL” 😯

Girl at the dry ski slope I used to work at complained that she could never get her hot chocolate to taste the same as when her mum made it. Turned out she was filling her mug from the hot water tap…

a girl I used to work with was man daft, almost daily she would tell us of some guy she had her eye on. My two favourites:

“I was out at the weekend (at some shithole bowling club in the arse end of town) and had a snog with a really great guy, he’s great in every way, except he’s a junkie and has aids”

“I was on the bus this morning and saw a really hot guy. But he was reading a book so do you think he’s gay?”

Not quite a colleague, but: We were interviewing for a new IT teacher, as part of which the interviewees had to teach a lesson. One interviewee asked if she could have a flipchart taken into the classroom as she didn’t like new technology.

to alphabet a draw of games

If you don’t know ‘draw’ from ‘drawer’ you might want to wind your neck in a bit.

When I was leaving my last job to move to Luxembourg, the marketing assistance asked where it was. I asked her where she thought it was and she said

“Somewhere in the sea between here and America”

I wanted to stay and ask if she meant an island or Atlantis but her boss told me to bugger off.

“Did you go anywhere at the weekend?”
“We went to Waitrose – we like it there”

"Put that papaya down, Orlando." Twitter responds to Waitrose asking why they shop at the supermarket http://t.co/yrau4vLY

— Metro (@MetroUK) September 20, 2012

I work with a guy, who after he was sent home due to his mothers’ sudden death ,phoned us back to ask us to put his lunch in the freezer compartment of the fridge, as there was “some nice chicken in it”!!!!!

The same guy washes the salt off his salted peanuts,
“‘coz it’s healthier & unsalted peanuts were more expensive”!

lad i used to work with

‘got off with a lass at weekend,really fit with jet blonde hair’

me ‘why are you sniffing that can of coke?’
him ‘to see if it’s cold’

working in a customer’s house and the tv was on showing baywatch opening credits – pamela anderson running down the beach in slo mo
him ‘ no wonder they call it the golden mile’

Flying into New York on a school trip. Half the group leapt out of their seats to get to a window as one of them announced that The Golden Gate Bridge had come into view.

I used to work with a bloke who used to fill his flask with “free” hot water from the canteen before setting off home.
He was ex BT.

Used to work with someone who did GIS. Think he’s got rellies on here so won’t embarrass him directly. Got talking about exams he’d done.

HE: I got one-out-of-ten in my Statistics exam.
ME: You scored 10% ?
HE: No, one-out-of-ten.

Still funny.

A former American colleague once seriously asked me if we “had the same moon as them in England” 😕

Young girl in the office wanted to know which way soup went down her throat. When I asked what she meant she replied “well, drink goes down the drink hole and food goes down the food hole, I just wondered which way the soup goes”.

After much laughing and piss taking we then tried to find out if she ever attended school. We’re still not sure…

(Whilst in a covert LUP on an exercise in Wales) The young lad next to me asked “What’s the difference between a boy sheep and a girl sheep?”