Complex subject, and I can’t see that “punishment” is ever likely to give a satisfactory outcome. Punishment engenders bitterness and desire for retribution – the bullied getting more grief for speaking out.

my (ex) friend

so he believed what his kid tells him and you didn’t believe yours and as a result you now don’t talk? Sounds like you were both wrong, really?

Tough call, I’d agree that it’s probably best to get all the facts and take a reasoned and level headed approach by trying to get her to understand the consequences of her actions.

so he believed what his kid tells him and you didn’t believe yours and as a result you now don’t talk? Sounds like you were both wrong, really?

Very tricky, believing kids… Take on board what they say, but seek other viewpoints.

Our son has had a number of problems with bullying, including a concussive head bang which saw him in A&E. But, the most difficult to deal with was a “spat” between him and a very good friends son. Our son maintained he was being psychologically bullied, rather than physical. We believed him in a qualified manner, I think our friends believed their son in absolute terms. All sorts of problems when school stepped in to resolve. Both boys were accusing each other of doing the same thing. Very bad feeling between the adults, when there really wasn’t any need. I Think parents evening might have been influential on both sets of parents. Our son’s teachers comments on his behaviour, attitude, achievements, team working etc were entirely consistent with what he was telling us. Our friends, on the other hand, we’re to be seen doing a face palm….

So, I think (very much hope) our son was vindicated as telling the truth, but still stand by my approach of taking a qualified view.

As the OP says “appear”. I would first find a quiet calm moment to sit down and say something open and non-confrontational/judgemental like “Tell me what has been going on at school?”
followed by stuff like
“Are you happy with the way you responded to that situation?”
and
“What would you do differently if the situation happened again?”
Let your daughter do the talking and thinking, and let her know that you love and respect her, and expect her to behave with the highest standards.
School life can be so confusing for kids.

So an adult being an out of control bully is your cure for children being bullies, I hope to god you don’t have kids.
Wondered how long it’d take

(father of one, extremely laid back, mild mannered 8 yr old)

If he was a 9 th dan he would have been a grand master and an internationally renowned instructor and leader of a school and an international champion etc so that part was BS

As for the rest [if true] that is not a solution as it teaches them that bullies win just be a better bully

Very tricky, believing kids… Take on board what they say, but seek other viewpoints.

Thanks for your post rkk01. I’m a while away (I hope!) from any need to deal with this, but got some ‘take aways’ 🙄 from what you wrote.

just a thought…A few years ago I met an old aquaintance from school in a pub. someone I’d not seen for maybe 20 years. Turn out he felt that I’d bullied him and that me and my friends “made his life hell”. I was genuinely surprised at this, as it turns out what I thought of as banter, play fighting and running jokes was actually quite upsetting for this guy. I found this revelation particuarly upsetting as I’d been bullied all through school and always thought of myself as the victim.

long story short, I bought him a pint and apologised, he confessed to shagging my ex-girlfriend (a few years later I must add!) and all seems to be resolved, but maybe the OP’s daughter doesn’t even realise she is a bully?

If he was a 9 th dan he would have been a grand master and an internationally renowned instructor and leader of a school and an international champion etc so that part was BS

He’d probably be more than that – he’d be retired. Because it takes a hell of a long time to get to 9th dan. Something in the region of 50 years.

Let your daughter do the talking and thinking

+100, that’s good parenting right there.

so he believed what his kid tells him and you didn’t believe yours and as a result you now don’t talk? Sounds like you were both wrong, really?

Good luck with all that 🙄