“It’s like replacing Messi with Susan Boyle” was a pearl of wisdom delivered by somebody describing what it’s like to have a competent employee go on holiday and be replaced with the union rep.
Overheard: If you were smart, you’d a a smartarse.
From me to a (racist) customer: c__t off you f__k.
I got a meeting with the area manager and HR for that one. When I explained the circumstances, the AM said it was “understandable but probably best avoided in future.”
Someone called me a “**** knuckle” and the reply I gave her was she was a “c**K womble”. Both laughed. I didn’t need to choke her out. Always looks bad on your HR record, I don’t think I could get away with it for a 3rd time.
Our muckshifter isn’t spending enough time on site with his lads. The engineer asked him during a quick meeting if his new boy band would be called “lack of direction”. Probably not that funny but as in the op I just laughed out loud.
I only ever think of whitty retorts after the event where confrontations at work are concerned, though I’m usually pretty sharp.
Therefore I just go in with scathing observations about people’s work/work ethic (which they can’t refute) in front of colleagues who all think the same, but never speak out. I’m generally regarded as a bit of a c*** as a result, but a hard working, committed c***. I can live with that.
Reminds me a having to carry a useless boss on a project, near the end of a day long technical meeting which was tough and taxing on all involved (except for him as he sat munching on the lunch) he finally contributed something (pointless comment in the end) when one of the other guy exclaimed “It Speaks!”
I told our engineering manager, who is the definition of promoted to his level of incompetence, “I’d shut up now, you’re just making yourself look stupid”
Overheard a few years ago. Someone came bouncing along to speak to the office IT guru. “Can I ask you a silly question?” he asked. Said guru looked up at him and in a languid drawl replied “Yes, I very much expect you could”.
On site discussing an unusual brick detail I had drawn. Bricklayer with his two labourers generally taking the piss out of me. Then says ‘How many beers did you have when you did these drawings!?’ My response after a cursory glance at his brickwork was ‘about as many as you guys had when you built this.’ He got the hump and said to his guys ‘get your tools lads, we’re not here to be insulted.’ They left and never came back. The rest of the builders thought it was hilarious.
Reference for someone when I had a summer job –
“<name> worked for us for 4 years. To the best of our knowledge, he didn’t steal anything in that time”.
Some slightly bigwiggy-type person opened the door to the staff room and asked if anyone had an old fashioned retort (you know, mad-professor flask thing)
One bloke didn’t even look up from the paper while suggesting “**** off?”
There was one lad at work who was well known to go walkabout when it was “all hands on deck”. After the umpteenth time of this happening when he returned one of my colleagues shouted out : “oh here he is, effin blister ! ” “why are you calling me a blister?” “Because you only turn up after all the work has finished….”
There’s a contractor project manager where I work, always seems stressed and doesn’t do much smiling. Yesterday, we had
‘Every dark cloud has – Debbie standing underneath it.’
Once she announced loudly to the whole engineering office, (when something was going wrong on here job meaning that work has to finish very early that day)
‘Right, that’s it, I’m going to have to pull all my men off!’ 😯
