Your most embarrassing medical / Doctor visits

Just to give raceFace some context please list your most embarrassing medical experiences

I have a number but the one that still makes me cringe was when I was about 13 – 14. I was a healthy young man with healthy young man thoughts and pursuits and over a few nights of pursuing these I noticed that my right ball was swelling, a lot. It got to Apple vs Plum differences before I dared tell Mum who dragged me down the Dr.um

900 year old deaf and blind doctor (okay, maybe just seemed it at the time) used cold vice like grip to see if he could squeeze it smaller before I passed out and was taken to hospital. Now Grapefruit vs Plum.

Nice young Dr/Nurse welcomes me to the Royal Berks and nods saying he knows this is embarrassing before sticking a glove on and his hand up my arse wiggling his fingers and asking which side hurts. I scream, the right side with the two ton bollock!

Pain killers and some other stuff for suspected Epididmitus (sp?) and back to the ward. A box structure to keep the sheets of my bits but relative normality…

…until ward visits when ‘glove man’ returns to fondle my balls. Okay, we are curtained off I can bare this, just look elsewhere. Oooh look, I can see some pretty young nurses through the curtain.. No!! don’t think sexy thoughts!!!! Thanks god, stopped at a semi.

Mr Glove steps outside and I breath a sigh of relief until he returns with the three sexiest trainee nurses created. Low cut tops, stockings the works (okay, again maybe an over active 14 year old mind). He then asks them all to fondle my balls and tell him what they think.

Damn they were professional but I don’t think the third one appreciated my contribution :-O

I had to gets several jags at once for a trip to Africa, so after she’d used up both arms the nurse said she’d need to put the next one in my bum so could I kindly lower my trousers. Turns out she meant just pull the waistband down a little so she could access the very top of my buttock, and did not actually require me to drop my strides to my knees.

Living in a small town meant the radiographer on duty when I had to get my possibly twisted plums ultrasounded was a good friend of my wifes.

A mate (honest!) took it upon himself to wreck his nob with some weapons-grade self-gratification (nobody was buying his “I was shagging” story).

He had to waddle about with some type of box protection for months. I mean, properly waddle.

He got a girlfriend, kids and married bizarrely fast afterwards.

I’m generally OK with those sorts of issues, fear / worry overcoming embarrassment by just enough, although the walk of shame from the ante-room to the table for my vasectomy was a low point (to recap; shown in to the anteroom I was asked to undress from the waist down, but advised to leave my socks on as the floor’s cold. NOT a good look, especially as the female doctor turns to greet you and shakes your hand – courtesies of going private, i guess)

But that was until recently, when I needed a prostate check. Dr Glove was all professional up until the point when he told me not to be embarrassed, it’s perfectly usual to get an erection during the procedure.

But i haven’t got an erection, I protested.

“Not you, me”

Never had anything as bad as that.

But during an STI check (nothing suspected or found I hasten to add). Was caught staring at a rather long cue tip. The lovely nurse said “don’t worry, but yes that’s going where you think it is”.

Having been married (and now divorcing) a nurse, I can tell you there isn’t anything sexy in the slightest about the profession!

I had a very religious upbringing in a cult that absolutely forbade sex before marriage. Until the age of about fifteen, I was pretty pious and didn’t really know anything else. I visited the doctor after getting what turned out to be a zit on my todger, and as if the mechanics of the examination weren’t embarrassing enough, he assumed I was worried about STIs and spent the entire time being jovial and matey in a “Haha, haven’t you been a busy boy, go get ’em tiger!” kind of way. It was excruciating to be a mostly normal teenager in that situation, but with all the guilt-laden religiously conditioned parts of my brain wanting to shout “No, no I haven’t been HAVING SEX!”

Had an op in the 1980s that involved me coming round from the anaesthetic and having ‘packing’ in my rear end. Day or so later nurse comes to remove packing with the medical (I hope) equivalent of molegrips and stilsons. She gets to work, I’m lying face down in stellar pain, gripping the sides of the mattress, beads of sweat on forehead, deep breathing and the occasional request to suspend operations for a moment while I try to recover a semblance of composure. Anyway, eventually she says ‘it’s out’ and I said, ‘is it a boy?’, didn’t even raise a titter.

Huge boil on my bum. Took a general anaesthetic to get rid of it. Had a cavity you could hide a golf ball in as a result.

Not so embarrassing really, just difficult to sit down for a few weeks.

After keyhole surgery went very wrong I woke up in intensive with a catheter fitted. If you’ve never had one then let me tell you that you don’t get the sensation of peeing. Anyway after nearly a week on the ward and some physio I decided I wasn’t going to use the bed pan and instead go to toilet for a No 2. The toilet was only 7-8 metres from my bed but it was still a challenge. Morphine pump, drip, piss bag in hand and barely able to support my own weight I managed to get to the toilet which gave me the same sense of achievement as running a marathon.
I’m sat there taken care of business when I have a sensation I haven’t felt for a while, peeing, quickly followed by pain as my dick started to inflate like a balloon. Holding both hands around it trying to stop it getting and wider than the small football it now resembled I couldn’t pull the emergency alarm cord for help. So screamed/ cryed loudly for help. A nurse opened the door and the look of shock on face said this wasn’t good. The look got worse as piss started under extreme pressure to actually spray from puffer fish like dick. She then ran off looking very panicked whilst my mind was telling me any moment soon my dick would explode to cover the bathroom walls with my sausage.
A male doctor burst through the door before nearly collapsing in hysterics. I couldn’t see the funny side and brought him out his uncontrollable laughter with some expletives yelled in immense pain. The doctor then released the air balloon that keeps the catheter place as piss exploded everywhere.
The majority of this was witnessed by the elderly lady in the bed opposite the bathroom door. This made her day as she relayed the tale to anyone who would listen.
My dick survived, swollen, bruised and sore for week before returning to normal.

Think I was going about my shoulder or something when I’d pulled it at work.

Sat in the waiting room and the usual train station type accouncment comes over the tannoy but I didn’t hear the name proper, just the room number.

Knowing that’s the room I needed I looked at the clock, saw it was my appointment time so went to the room.

Went in, sat down, doc says ” hiya, so how’s the quitting smoking going ” I replied ” erm I don’t smoke ”

Doc said ” ahh well that’s the best attitude, so have you stopped completely ?
Me ” erm I stopped 4 years ago “
Doc ” you’re not Darren are you “
Me 😳

Had to walk out while this Darren guy was knocking on the room door. I couldn’t face going back into the waiting room so I just leaned on a trolley till this Darren guy came out.

Craig, that’s a fabulous post 😆

A few years ago I spilt black tea over my crotch. Leapt out of my van, dropped pants and trousers and grabbed a tea towel and water. I then got back in the van and drove home with damp cloth covering my modesty and everything else round my ankles. Managed to get in the house and phoned NHS 24 who told me to go to A&E. Once there a very sympathetic male nurse checked me out and gave me much needed painkillers before asking if I could make my own way to the burns unit at another hospital. So in a lot of pain and walking like john Wayne after a bad day in the saddle I made the 30 mile drive. On arriving at the burns unit an older female nurse ordered me to drop my trousers and leave them with my dignity next to the door. After she’d had a look and a feel, she was very gentle to be fair and there was no chance of excitement on my part, the female doctor came and had a look too. After talking me through treatment and possible outcomes, including the likelihood of skin grafts, she asked how er, straight it was before the unfortunate incident and warned me it may not be so afterwards due to scarring etc. To be honest it wasn’t as embarrassing as it could of been as I wax in so much pain I wasn’t to bothered about a succession of people having a good look at my old man. Since then I’ve also had the “have you ever had your prostate examined?” conversation. The nice lady doctor asked if I wanted a male doctor to do it, I replied “what somebody with an even bigger finger? No thanks!” I don’t care much for getting older.

I had a catheter related one.

After a rigid cystoscopy I had a catheter for a few days. When they came to remove it for some reason they couldn’t totally deflate the balloon, so ended up pulling the thing out of my todger. One of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. Ten minutes later I’m lying there, not covered by any sheets, with the bloodied remains of my todger exposed, when my wife walks in an sweeps the curtains aside to expose my humiliation to th whole ward.

When my doctor said I have a tight one… Prostrate exam through the black hole.

Damn company medicals.

When a hot female doctor checked my abdomen and lying down I had a tent pole… She smirked.

Whacking my nuts on the top bar resulted in another female doctor cupping and telling me to cough.

I’ve just sprained or broken my foot so I’ll post again later today…

More recently, not so much embarrassing as a little unexpected, I was seeing a rheumatology consultant for back problems. A small, old, foreign fella. I had to take my trousers off and lie on the bed while he did the usual leg bending/twisting stuff, then the same on my front. At one point he asked me ‘Have you always been a big man’, which I assumed at that point was a weight related question. When he’d finished he told me I could put my trousers back on, then patted me a couple of times on the arse! I’m still not sure if it was just friendliness or a little bit Yewtree 🙂

@WorldClassAccident

Own up this is a tenage sex dream. 😆

Had a bad off and was ambulanced into hospital having passed out with bad pain in the midle of my back 3 crushed vertbre, attracive young female aussie doc sticks her finger up my rectum to check for nerve damage apparently a standard test i got pilles from to long behind the wheel of a truck boy did i scream.

Another time whn pulling a lateshift in the pub kitchen i took out the trash and then had the most awfull elctric shock type feelin but prolonged like i was being tazerd in the heart’ this happens again later and i am convinced its a heart attack the missus rushes me to AE and we have a cardio , turns out to be a muscle in spasm nothing drastic and about 2.00 am igo home embarrased at waisting the hospitals time , I now live in france with no NHS god i miss it its bloody brilliant and you all need to fight like hell to keep it.

I have no idea what either of your posts mean.

A few years ago I found a lump on my ball.

Got a same day appointment at local surgery with a doctor I didn’t know.

Was sat in waiting room, quite nervous, and this absurdly good looking female in her mid-late 30s walks out and says my name.

I immediately become even more uncomfortable 🙂

I explain the problem and she says, somewhat apologetically, “I’ll need to have a check”

So we go behind a wee curtain at the bed and then she crouches down on her hunches while I undo my trousers.

I honestly couldn’t believe how bizarre the situation was, he was me about to whack out my gentleman bits and look down at a beautiful woman “feeling” them…. Yet it was utterly unpleasant.

So I decided to look the other way, to avoid mixing in the vague sexual feelings I was having in such an inappropriate setting.

I look away to my left. But on my left is a full length mirror and I’m basically now watching myself in a porno movie… Arrrgggh!

I’d sort of detached myself from the situation and next thing I know the doc is looking up at me saying

“sorry, you’re going to have to move your penis for me”

In the confusion of the whole situation, I’d reverted to a position I was more familiar with, member and balls pointing at her with my hands clasped behind my back, out of the way 🙂

Poor woman! 😳

That wonderful moment when your fears about having picked up genital herpes are confirmed..
It’s a moment that could not be further from some of the embarrassing arousal stories mentioned..
Standing there with my tiny, sore encrusted penis hanging sadly between the docs fingers, just thinking, shit I’m so so sorry that you’ve had to touch it (even with gloves on)

I once had to go to the docs with a painful swollen ball, got a random appt. turned out to be a female doc, but a late middle aged woman of little attraction so not a massive amount of embarrassment there. However when it came to the examination she said “shall I get the nurse ( who was young and pretty) to be a chaperone?” Hmm let me think… Be humiliated by one female doc or be humiliated by a female doc with an attractive nurse watching??

Good lord, this thread! 😆

Most embarrassing one for me was my last smear test – it ended up with a third senior nurse imparting pearls of wisdom about how to find the cervix to two younger nurses that had spent the previous 20 minutes trying to locate mine…

Went for my pre selection for the army failed the cough and drop test 🙂 imagine ringing your mum on a packed train to explain that you cant get in e army because your plums are to big.

While on an island in SE asia, I whacked my nuts on the front of my motorbike, quite hard, whilst possibly riding when I shouldn’t have been and braking a bit late.

Two days later, while having a relaxing morning pull, my man juice came out brown.

I trundled myself to the local hospital on the island to explain to the lady behind the desk what was wrong and could I see a doctor. Well while explaining this, a lovely western couple came in and stood beside me.

The receiptionist told me while I was waiting, I should look through the STD identifying photos to see if I could spot mine.

I stood their half shocked, looking at the photos, as she pointed at them and asked me if it looked like that.

The couple looked on horrified. I tried explaining that my balls were black with a bruise on them, but she just kept turning pictures.

Doctor gave me a load of anti clap antibiotics to take, and asked me to go and crack one off in a cup, I explained that there wouldn’t be much as that is how I had found out and I was told to return tomorrow.

Nobody believed that I had whacked my nuts, even with the bruise there.

When I went back the next day, with my cup of slightly less brown spunk, the same couple were there where I had to hand over my sample to the receptionist who held it up to inspect it in
front of them.

Called back a day later to be told it was blood, not to worry about it as the swelling was going down and I should be OK.

Humiliating it was.

I’ve had two operations for pilonidal sinus, and quite few checks for false alarms since, so quite a few cringeworthy moments. My favourites being when the cute district nurse had to ask her less cute colleague to hold my buttocks apart so she could shave there. Apparently I kept tensing my glutes and she couldn’t prise them apart one handed.

After one of the false alarms the grizzled and eccentric GP asked if I did any sport as it can increase the risk of a recurrence. When told I cycled a lot, he just replied “Oh, for gods sake, you might as well just sit on a bloody razor blade and have done with it!”

There was also the day of my vasectomy, when I hadn’t been sure exactly where to shave so I’d given the whole scrotum a lovely proper shave. Every single nurse in the hospital seemed to have to come and see my handiwork (the op wasn’t the easiest) and they all asked me if I’d done the shaving myself!?!

In my mid 40’s I had to be circumcised. When I came round I was told I could go home if I could pass water, which I could, result, no. The wound started to bleed and I was the last day case they had to get the duty Dr to see what was happening. So I have a Dr, two nurses and Mrs W all looking at my wound which looked like a piece of beef in the butchers with the string tied round it. Mrs W no longer buys beef anymore, every time she sees butchered beef she thinks of one thing

Mine happened just after a visit to the docs

Had lots of pain in the arse (not piles type, more a bit up the poop shoot) for about a week and was finding it really hard to walk, let alone sit down and went to the docs to get a referral (wasn’t worried, as having crohn’s and had already lost a few ft of intestines I kinda knew that it would be related).

Got a letter without being seen (as had a regular bum doctor from the previous surgeries) and was sitting in the car waiting for the wife to pick up my prescription from the town chemist when I felt a sort of pop, and then a very warm, wet sensation in my arse region.

Turns out I had a cyst up my arse (common for crohn’s patients with reduced intestinal length apparently) and it had just decided to explode.

It was a mixed feeling – the relief of pressure and disappearance of pain was immediate – I felt like a new man!!! albeit a filthy one with arse juice pouring out of his rectum!!

Thankfully we’d just had a kid a month or two prior, so had all the necessary tools to clean up in the car.

Dropped trousers in the carpark – wet wiped up, chucked duds in the bin and fashioned underwear out of two nappies. Proper MacGuyver stuff!!

I dread to think what would’ve happened had I been waddling to/from the docs or worse – in a shop rather than sat in the car in the carpark

^ were you wearing beige chinos?

Mine wasn’t embarrassing because of the medical condition but rather because of the entrance I made. I’d sprained both my thumbs and messed up my hands coming off the bike and had to go into the xray room. my hands were in agony so I couldn’t work the handle so I used my elbow but then I couldn’t push the door open like that so I twisted round and pushed it open with my head and fell into the room headfirst then stood up with my mangled hands out in front by way of explanation and with both thumbs sticking out at 90 degrees – the nurse gave it a Fonzy “Eyyyyyy” tweaked her imaginary leather jacket and dissolved into giggles.

I spent 3.5 months in traction when I was 17, to pee in you had these cardboard bottles beside the bed. Great sport was putting a few holes in the bottom of them. It all came to a head when one poor lad started to pee and his family turned up for visiting. His bottle had been done and had to sit for two hours in a puddle of piss. We got a real telling off from Sister for that one

Also one day all the nurses were going back and for to the opposite ward and coming back giggling like fools, some bloke had a vibrator stuck up his bum and it was still buzzing, as one of the student nurses put it, “bless him he did look fed up but what was he thinking”

Things you dont want pretty ladies to say when their hand is in your pants!!! Swollen lymph node in groin. End up seeing cancer specialist in hospital, blood tests all normal all fine he says. Then he says we have a young student doctor hete do you mind if she examines you as it will help her training. I was about 28 at the time in walks a stunning young lady doctor. Hand goes into my pants, she has a rummage, looks up at me and days,”its not very big is it!” She looks at me I look at her she goes bright red and practically runs out of the room.

This thread has been amazing!

I’ve been peeing myself laughing 😀 😀 😀

More stories, please! 🙂

How about a stuck foreskin then?? Yep, trapped behind the head of my best mate when I was 18. Three days of horror and denial meant it swelled up like a rubber ring but would not go back. Cue to the most embarrassing visit to a Doctor EVER, followed by a visit to the local urology unit where 2 young nurses had the pleasure of basically lubing and pulling it back into place! Oh the joys, You could have powered a city with the thermal heat I was giving off in utter embarassment.

Im a nurse myself these days, during my training I had to do a placement on the said unit..i still don’t if they recognised me, they were very professional….but the paranoia was present 100% of the time.

trapped behind the head of my best mate

I’m not that intimate with any of my friends

Australia – somewhere about 300km away from Adelaide, up the Murray river. Location back packing hostel.

After a long shift pruning grapes, which I enjoyed as I could get really stoned, listen to music and trim vines, I returned to the hippy mecca that was the hostel I stayed at.

As I walked into the bathroom to go and get a shower, something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye, it was a small Japanese man having a poo sat on the toilet.

This startled me, I slipped on some wet floor, and whacked my toe off the wall with a crack and a bang.

I stood up, we both looked at my toe, and realised that something was amiss, it was huge swollen and black, then the pain started, nearly vomit inducing pain.

The small Japanese man sat back down, cleaned himself up and helped me to the living room. Where we decided hospital was probably best.

Three people carted me out to my weird backpacking minivan, I got more stoned and they drove me to a small local hospital that appeared to be shut.

Somehow after pushing various buzzers, I managed to get into the first outer corridor, but still sealed out from the main hospital. Given my somewhat baked state, the really sore toe, and the need to sit down, i tried to sit on the trolley bed that was there, only to find it shot off in one direction, and I went in the other, just as the duty nurse opened the door to let me in.

On my back, half laughing half in pain, somewhat sheepish she took me in and looked at my toe, told me it was probably broken, booked an x-ray for the next day and then gave me some 60mg codeine – plus some spares for later, told me not to drink or smoke on them and go home come back tomorrow.

As I left i was given some crutches.

Obviously I decided not to heed her instructions and went straight to the bottle shop as it was Friday night, and got into my usual routine of drinking and smoking.

At some point in the evening, around 9pm or so, I decided to see how fast I could race down the corridor with my crutches, maybe spurred on by the lovely buzz I had on.

As I raced down the corridor with my 18 year old Dutch girlfriend watching, oh yes those were the days, I swung my right foot into the back of the crutch with considerable force and there was a very loud crack. Loud enough that the guy coming out of the lounge stopped, looked and said something about it not sounding good. Dutch girlfriend, swore at me in dutch for being a tool

After some giggling and maneuvering to get to the lounge area, and examining my foot, we decided that from the look of the bent limp toe, that I had manage to break that one as well. On the opposite foot to my other breakage earlier in the evening.

I returned to hospital on Saturday, hung over, and sheepishly had to show the doctor my broken toe, and then ask about the other one, which was now black and twice the size it should be.

I was only booked in for one x-ray, and he commented that about bloody drunken stoned backpackers not following the instructions for the meds and not taking care of myself.

I felt like a bit of a nob, he told me to my face I was one and had I learnt my lesson of not drinking on pain killers.

a stuck foreskin then?? Yep, trapped behind the head of my best mate…

Surely this could have been worded better?? 😯

^ I read it two times to understand.

I was hoping for a photo of a mans head trapped inside the end of a willy

GP sends me to A&E because of a painfully swollen right nut. After reading his referral letter the duty nurse immediately orders me into a wheelchair while I wait for an ultrasound.
Orderly comes over to take me to the ultrasound unit which is on the 2nd floor, but when we get to the lift it’s out of order. So, he says we have to take the stairs, which involves me hopping out of the wheelchair, helping him carry it up two flights of stairs, and then hopping back in for him to wheel me carefully into the ultrasound unit. No, apparently he didn’t see the irony of the situation…

Broke my back (3 lumbar vertebrae) a few years ago on an MTB trip to the French Alps. Ended up in a French hospital for 10 days. Usual hospital loss of dignity, but 2 things stick in the memory.

1. I’d been out riding all day in hot weather, gone climbing in the evening with a road-ride up and down to the crag when I had the accident on the way back to the resort. It’s safe to say that I was not a bouquet of flowers even at this point. I’d then spent a fair bit of time lying in my own blood, vomited all over the radiographer, been stitched-up down the back of my leg while unable to be moved, then left to fester overnight.

Female nurses came in to clean me up a bit about mid-day the following day. With the selective amnesia about my ability to speak French that became a feature of my stay, when they rolled me over and released the miasma trapped beneath my body, one of them exclaimed loudly (rough translation) “F### that stinks!”. She was probably right.

2. Throughout the first week or so that I was there, an endless succession of seemingly random medical types would walk into the room and, without a word of introduction, grab my balls, shake them and ask if I could feel it. Yes? Could have told you that if you’d just asked?

I have had a awful time with my optician recently. Had to go in a few times for a contact lens problem. All fairly straight forward until I get a new very atractive lady with a lovely voice and beautiful lips. Initially I’m thinking no problem I’m a man of the world, and carry on in a normal professional manner. However, the lights go off and in she moves. I think there is a perfect storm going on; smells lovely, even her breath(a mildly erotic thing in itself),soft voice is right in my ear that practically tickles. Lusious lips within inches, cleavage…This goes on for too long. Right sir all done….mmm I can’t get up right now can you talk me through the lens options again please? I had to go back four times.