Need to come up with some jokes for tomorrow for work – I seem to recall there being an excellent joke thread quite recently but I can only find stuff from ten years ago when I google on the site… anyone got a link?

but I can only find stuff from ten years ago when I google on the site

well theres your first joke 🙂

HA! Jokes on you sucka!

An Englishman, Frenchman and Irishman walk into a pub and the barman said “is this some kind of joke”

Where is the joke thread

It’s been pulled.

Ithanqyow

Where is the joke thread

It’s been pulled.

That’s a cracker!

An atheist, a cross-fitter and a vegan walk into a bar.
I know because they told me.

Dung beetle walks into a bar.
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Is this stool taken ?.

Whatever you do, make sure that @welshfarmer doesn’t find out about this thread…

[strong][/strong] wrote:

Whatever you do, make sure that @welshfarmer doesn’t find out about this thread…

too late 🙂

I’ve just tried some of Elvis Costello’s Mediterranean sausage range from Waitrose.
I must say it was lovely, I think Olive salami is here to stay

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse

An atheist, a cross-fitter and a vegan walk into a bar.
I know because they told me.

😀

@fazzini I heard he was an agnostic.

Wondered if Dog existed

Why the long face?

I’ve just tried some of Elvis Costello’s Mediterranean sausage range from Waitrose.
I must say it was lovely, I think Olive salami is here to stay

Utter genius

We booked a static caravan for our staycation. I asked the site warden which one was ours. He said “You can’t miss it….

……it’s the one down there covered in balloons.”

A bloke buys a very cheap wig, his mates say it looks fantastic, but it makes his heady hot and itchy. He reckon that it’s a small price toupee.

Our community centre held a free counselling session for self-harmers, but apparently dozens of people missed the deadline to sign up.

I bet they’re really kicking themselves.

Van Gogh sitting in the pub. His mate comes in and shouts “Hey Vincent, do you want a pint?”
“No thanks,” replies Van Gogh, “I’ve got one ‘ere.”

Pavlov sitting in the pub when the bell rings for last orders. “Bollocks! ” Says Pavlov. “I forgot to feed the dog.”

And a final question: Why do farmers always put the gate in the muddiest part of the field?

I left the bottom of my trousers in the library. That was a turn up for the books.

My wife was going into town at the weekend, I asked her to nip into the hardware shop and pick me up a mattayu

What do we want!?

Race car noises!

When do we want them!?

Neeeeeeowwwwwwwwww!

What is a pirate’s favourite letter of the alphabet?
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You’d think so, but their true love be the C

David Beckham’s son arrived for football training, asked the coach “What number shirt am I? The coach said “Wear four out there Romeo”

just interviewed a bloke for a job. “Can you perform under pressure?” I asked. No he replied. But I do a great bohemian rhapsody.

I’m upset that my shop was closed during lockdown but the locksmiths next door weren’t.
Apparently they are key workers.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
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Breathe, you idiot! BREATHE!!

What is a pirate’s favourite letter of the alphabet?
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You’d think so, but their true love be the C

This is excellent.

Recently I’ve found out somebody is adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

The sky was looking ominous, so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?” And she replied, “Yes, it is, and don’t call me Shirley.” That was when I realised I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

My wife accused me the other day of being too immature. I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort

My wife said to me ‘you’re not listening are you!?’
Strange way to start a conversation 🤷‍♂️

Locals have been complaining about the bird sanctuary owner hoovering at night with the lights off.

The paper ran the headline – Hawk Kestrel Man Hoovers in the Dark.

Don’t buy trousers from Russia, I’ve heard Chernobyl fallout.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation centre. The nurse asks them if they know their blood group.

The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type o”.

pick me up a mattayu

Go on, I’ll set it up for you, someone has to say it.

She asked me, “what’s a mattayu?”

I’ve just tried some of Elvis Costello’s Mediterranean sausage range from Waitrose.

I just tried their Fish & Herb flavour ones.

Didn’t really work for me as a light lunch. I guess there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things.

Hey!!…..gotta no respect…….

I missed the start of this thread because I was out looking for some camouflage shorts for summer.

Couldn’t find any.

Darth Vader told me what I was getting for my birthday.

He had felt my presents.

Where is the joke thread

It’s not got legs, so probably where you left it.

Where is the joke thread

I think there’s a football thread somewhere.

My dad always said “The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more”,

He was a great bloke but a terrible anaesthetist.

I used to go out with a Welsh girl that had 36DDs.

Very long surname and very difficult to pronounce.