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Very good 👍
This could come back to bite me, I thought as I taped a piranha to my boomerang
or the agoraphobic homosexual, came out and went back in again
A pirate walks into a bar with a chocolate bar stuck to his bandana.
'What's with the chocolate?' asks the barman.
The pirate replies 'Arr! I be havin' a bounty on me head'
Why is Mickey Mouse's helicopter no use in Scotland?
Disneyland.
Jokes have been banned from the forum. They may cause offense as inevitably there's always someone on the receiving end, be they Irishman, Scotsman, or Englishman.
Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland?
Disneyland.
Love that 😃
have you heard the stories about corduroy pillows... they're making the headlines.
Ask my wife if I was the only one she's even been with.
"Yes" she said, "all the others were 9s and 10s."
That’s a good one, Onzadog! Better than mine, anyway…
I was walking through the Olympic village when I saw a man carrying a very long stick. I asked, ‘Are you a pole vaulter?’ The man turned and answered me, ‘No, I’m German, but how did you know my name was Walter?’
We booked a static caravan for our staycation. I asked the site warden which one was ours. He said “You can’t miss it….
……it’s the one down there covered in balloons.”
I don't understand this one
Q: why are there pyramids in both Egypt and Latin America?
A: because they were too heavy to carry to the British Museum
Female weightlifter goes to see a doctor
FW - I think I've been overdoing the steroids, I've grown a knob.
D - Anabolic?
FW - No, just a knob.
This works better said out loud than written down
I was walking through the graveyard this morning when I saw a man crouching down by a gravestone. 'Morning' I said. 'No, having a shit' said the man
I was walking down the road yesterday when I came across a pirate with a parrot on his shoulder.
"Pieces of seven!" cried the parrot.
I said to the pirate: "It should be pieces of eight, shouldn't it?".
"Arrrr", he replied, "it be a parroty error".
That's my second-favorite computer science joke. I'd tell you the one about UDP but I don't know if you'd get it.
I very sadly lost a good friend recently, he bled to death as none of us could remember his blood group and so couldn't give him the life saving transfusion he so desperately needed.
"Be positive " he kept saying to us, but it's hard to remain cheerful when you see a friend like that.
That’s my second-favorite computer science joke.
Probably my two favourites also.
A Catholic Priest, an Anglican Vicar, an Imam and a Rabbit walk into the blood donor centre.
They're asked for their blood groups.
"A" replies he Vicar
"Same here" says the Catholic Priest
"AB" says the Imam
The receptionist looks at the rabbit and says "what about you?"
"I'm not sure" says the rabbit, "I think I might be a type-O"
I very sadly lost a good friend recently, he bled to death as none of us could remember his blood group and so couldn’t give him the life saving transfusion he so desperately needed.
“Be positive ” he kept saying to us, but it’s hard to remain cheerful when you see a friend like that.
Wasn't he the strike-busting haemophiliac who was injured in a scuffle while trying to cross a picket line and bled to death while everyone shouted 'Scab Scab Scab!'?
How do you know there is an Elephant in your fridge?
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There's footprints in the butter
How do you know there are two Elephants in your fridge?
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There are two sets of footprints in the butter!
How do you know there are 4 Elephants in your fridge?
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There's a mini parked outside.
They weren't 4 elephants, they were 2 whales.
And we all know how to get 2 whales in a Mini.
Don't be ridiculous a whale would never fit in a mini!
And we all know how to get 2 whales in a Mini.
Down the M4?
Don’t be ridiculous a whale would never fit in a mini!
It would if you took the elephants out.
Once there were two prawns,one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being chased and threatened by sharks.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian,
“I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”
Suddenly a large Cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted” .
With a flash,Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified and afraid of being eaten,Christian immediately swam away.
Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old pals were afraid of him and would hide whenever he came close.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious Cod again and begged to be changed back.
"Your wish is granted" boomed the Cod
With tears of joy Justin swam back to find his friends.
Looking around the reef he realised he couldn’t see his old pal.
“Where’s Christian?” he asked.
“He’s at home, still upset that his best friend became a shark”, came the reply.
Eager to put things right again,Justin set off to Christian’s house.
Banging on the door he shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”
Christian replied, “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark,and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”
Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed ...
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“I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Christian”
When I first came to London, I started a pioneering business.
But nobody liked my earings, and now its just pies.
It's all in the delivery.
Why did the auditors cross the road?
They’d checked their notes and that’s what they did last year.
Scientists have found out how trees communicate.
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They use What Sap..............
How do you know if there's a gorilla in your sandwich?
It's too heavy to lift.
My girlfriend laughed when I said I'd build a car made from spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
I almost had a Psychic girlfriend,she dumped me before we met.
(SW)
A bird shat on my car last night.
I won't be asking for a second date.
A pal has just won the world championship of most washing hung out in one hour.
I asked him how he's feeling about it
Well, he said, it's a lot to take in.
How do Mexicans keep warm?
They use chicken fajitas!
What sort of bees make milk?
Boobies!
I went into a jewellery store today, asked for a watch, bloke says ‘analogue?’
I said no, just the watch!