[Closed] The black dog

Sorry......I'm struggling. I really am struggling.

4 weeks ago the love of my life left me, 3 days later I find she's in a relationship with another man (that she met for first time 2 days before we split but had been chatting to on FB) and found out this last week that they're engaged now. I know I'm stupid to believe that this has happened all this quickly, but I know her and yes this is possible.

I blame myself for pushing her away, I struggled to cope with her issues, her kids etc

That's the brief explanation to why I'm here now, yet again sobbing my heart out.

I love her dearly still, even though she's lied and cheated I'd take her back. I know this is stupid, I do, but that's love.

It's completed messed me up to the point where I am suicidal. I cannot see myself recovering from this, I feel a complete failure and rejected, I'm scared, scared of a future being single and alone. She was amazing and yes not 'perfect' on paper for me but she was pretty much everything I've ever wanted, I'm scared I will never find anyone 'better'.

I'm currently receiving home care from the local mental health crisis team, they're coming out daily at the moment to assess me etc. I've not had to stay in yet, but it's an option if things get worse.
I have often thought about ending it and how I'd go about it (im not that low right now) the notes I'd need to write and my affairs etc. But thankfully I haven't got the balls to do it.

I just need an off switch, to stop all the thoughts I have about her/us/her and him. Everything reminds me of her and the thoughts are constant, I can't stop them, I've lost all mental ability to.

I know it's just another broken heart story, I've been broken hearted before, lied and cheated on and when I've found out I've been fine, hated them and got over it there and then, however this time it's different, I can't ever see myself getting through this I can't even imagine light being at the end of the tunnel let alone see it.

I know time is the healer, but it's the amount of time, if ever, I haven't got the strength to battle through it for however long this will take

So, please, anyone who's been this low before, who's been just a couple of steps away from ending it , how did you pull through?

(Just a note, I'm not on my own the moment, I am 'safe' and know to contact crisis team if worsen. And sorry to those of you who already know about this, sorry)