Friday and all that. I have none that come to mind (or are any good) Make me an office hero comedian!

Boris Johnson.

Simon goes on “Stars in their Eyes”. Matthew Kelly notices he’s in a wheelchair, he says “what happened?”

Simon replies.. “I was in a car crash with my uncle, he died, and I had my legs amputated, but they saved my uncle’s legs and grafted them onto me, in six months time I will be able to walk again”

“That’s amazing” says Matthew ” anyway who are you going to be tonight?”
Simon says “Well tonight Matthew, I’m going to be….

….Simon & halfuncle”

whats the difference between a circus trapeze act and a group of strippers ?

One is an array of cunning stunts….

did you hear about the bloke with 5 dicks?

his pants fitted like a glove!

terrible i know

Rolf Harris has done the artwork for Michael Jacksons concerts at the O2 Arena,

as a thank you Michael will be doing two little boys at the end of each show………

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breaststroke race. The starter’s gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, “The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde”. The blonde says, “I don’t want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms.”

And not so clean – but made me chuckle…

Two representatives from the Rowntrees factory had made arrangements to visit a local Church. They were developing a new range of boiled sweets and wanted to check the reaction from the young children who attended Sunday school.

The Sunday school teacher, together with the vicar introduced the two men to the children. The kids were given strawberry sweets and asked if they could guess the flavour. There was an excited chorus of, “Strawberry!”

Then they were offered orange flavours, followed by lemon and liquorice. The kids guessed right every time, much to the delight of the two Rowntrees workers.

Then they gave them their latest honey flavoured sweets.

“We are particularly pleased with this one, children. It’s the company’s newest flavour. I wonder, can you guess what it is?”

The children sucked and sucked, but silence. Nobody knew what flavour it was.

After a while the vicar said to them, “I’ll give you a clue. It’s what your mother sometimes calls your father.”

One eight year old girl almost vomited and chose to spit out her sweet in the direction of the Sunday school teacher, and screamed, “Ugghh! They’re ar**holes!”

i shagged a girl with brittle bone disease last night…….

……what a little cracker she was.

What’s the difference between a cross country run and Jamie Oliver?

Well, one’s a pant in the country….

An old age pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he quickly reached 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

“Amazing,” he thought as he drove down the M1, flying past everyone else on the motorway.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car closing on him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the police car’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the Mercedes, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off.”

The old gentleman paused. Then said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, sir,” replied the copper

Micheal Jackon was arrested as he landed at Heathrow Airport… apparently he had a bottle of Rocalpol in his bag

i already have coat off the hook and one foot out of the door

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Pakistani walk into a bar. What a perfect example of racial integration.

Bernard Righton

Why do women have periods?

Because it hurts and they deserve it!!!

From virgin radio this morning

I’ve got a dead cert for the grand national tomorrow,
Cuprinol, its great over fences

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever,
funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask
me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies
out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to
spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and
says, “Don’t worry; that was an insect.”
To which, her son replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the
ground with a d#ck like that.”

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I
pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of
the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother
that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her
eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them….
they are bound to be curious about 5ex at that age.”
“Curious about 5ex?” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her
appendix out!”

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke
hiding behind a gravestone. I said “morning.”
He replied, “No, just having a sh!t.”

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to
run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick
pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing
on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

wlaking down the street the other day i saw a bloke playing ‘Dancing Queen’ on a didgeridoo and i thought to myself
That is so ‘Abba’riginal

two men walk into a bar, the first one says “blinkin ‘eck that hurt!!”

two men walk into a bar, the first one says “blinkin ‘eck that hurt!!”

What’s the best thing about 5ex with twenty three year olds?

There’s twenty of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Down the gym …

‘Thought I’d give steroids a try but they’ve had some bad side effects. I’ve grown an extra cock’
‘Anabolic?’
‘No, just a cock’

🙄

Two men walked into a bar. The second really should have seen it coming.

Two nuns are having a bath. Where’s the soap?, says one. Yes, it does, doesn’t it?, replies the other.

Why do they call it PMS… because “mad cow disease” was already taken.

A very poorly bloke was in bed when St Peter appears to him.

‘So’, says St P. ‘yours days are numbered but, the rules for getting into heaven have changed, tell me, what are your 3 main vices?’
“smoking, drinking and sex’ says the man.
‘ok’ says StP, you have 3 weeks in which to quit your vices or you’re barred from heaven…..’

A week later StP appears again..
‘So, how have you got on?’
“well’ says our man, ‘i really want to get to heaven so I quit smoking, not easy, being down the pub with the guys and being used to having a drag or two but heaven is what i want!’
‘Great’ says StP ‘just 2 more to go and you’re in heaven’

A week passes

St Peter appears
‘so, how is it going?’
‘Well’ says our man ‘Quit drinking as well, tough as hell, no smoking, down the pub with me mates, drinking orange juice, getting the P taken left, right and centre but i really went to go to heaven so it’s worth it!’
‘Great’ says StP ‘just one to go and, that’s it, you’re in heaven’

Another week passes
St Peter appears
“so, how’s it going?’ says StP
‘Sorry’ says our man ‘i have failed you, I will not be going to heaven’
‘FFS!’ says StP ‘What happened?’
‘Well’ says our man ‘it was the Mrs… mini skirt on, bending over the freezer to get some meat out, she just had to have it!!!’
‘i see’ says StP ‘you do know you are barred from heaven?’
‘Aye’ says our man ‘I’m barred from Tesco’s as well……………!’