A man asked me “Do you want a go on an ice-rink for 10p?”

Cheapskate

bump….

I said to the wife “Give me a blowjob”.
She said “Are you feeling horny?”.
I said “No, I just want 15 minutes peace and quiet”.

I told my mate the other day that I was shagging a pair of twins. He asked how I them apart? Well, Liz has a dimple on her buttock, and Tony’s got a cock.

Whats E.T short for? …

Because he had little legs.

whats green and smells of pork? kermits fingers.

What’s yellow and stinks of piss?

The ‘To Let’ sign outside my dyslexic mate’s house.

my wife gets really annoyed when I use the word ‘c**t.’

I suppose she’s got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother’s real name.

My wife was watching Loose Women earlier when the competition question came on, it was:

Complete this saying ‘Strike when the iron is…’
A) Hot
B) Cold
C) Warm

I have now written a full letter of complaint to ITV asking why the correct answer of ‘not on’ was not listed.

The other day I realised I can exactly replicate the sound of hitting two coconut shells together simply by riding a horse down a cobbled street.

A bloke goes to a whore and asks to have sex with her using his foot. ‘You filthy bstard, says she – go on then, but it will cost you £1000’. Fine, he says, gets to it and goes away a happy man.

A week later, he wakes up with this oozing sore on his big toe. He gets down the doctors and presents it, and the Doc can’t believe what he’s seeing, goes away to consult the medical literature. After an hour he comes back and says ‘You’re not going to believe this, you have clap of the foot!’

‘Clap of the foot!’ says the guy, ‘that’s amazing – I bet that’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen as a Doctor’
‘Not quite’, says the Doc – ‘Had a woman in here this morning with athletes c_nt’

I went out clubbing last week. The bouncer wouldnt let me in – ‘No tie’
Well I popped back to the car to see if I had one there, no luck, but I did have a set of jump leads. I grabbed the red one, well its a club, not a funeral, wrapped it round my neck, and went back to the club.
Bouncer looks me up and down, and says ‘well you can come in – But dont start anything’

Why don’t fairies ever get pregnant?

’cause they only go to goblin parties

How do you kill a Circus?

Aim for the Juggler.

I went to B&Q yesterday and some old feller in orange overalls asked me if I wanted decking………….. luckily I got my punch in first….