Most days i make the porridge for breakfast on odd days my wife makes the porridge. We both weigh the porridge and add the same quantity of milk and put it in the microwave for the same amount of time.
Now here’s where my mind gets scrambled (no eggs) when i make the porridge there is approximately a third more finished porridge than when my wife makes it.
Are we both creating our own reality?
Is this why some people follow the recipe to the letter but it still turns into a disaster!?

No, your wife just thinks you’re fat and makes you less porridge than she tells you.

Does she have the microwave on full 1.21 Gigawatt power while you leave it set lower?

EDIT – and why are you making porridge with MILK and a MICROWAVE? Surely the artisan STW way is to soak it for 3 days in the tears of an albino kitten, using oats source from the (lower!) western slopes of McTavish’s farm.

Can you even make good porridge in a microwave?

I go as slowly as possible on the hob.

Can you even make good porridge in a microwave?

I think so. Hob’s best IME but if you take it out of the microwave about 3/4 of the way through cooking and give it a good battering with a fork before finishing it off it turns out pretty well.

Oh, this is just going to turn into Hipster-than-thou with people you don’t know and are never going to meet are going to tell you that your way of making something that you want to eat is Bad and Wrong.

Can you even make good porridge in a microwave?

Yep

this is just going to turn into Hipster-than-thou with people you don’t know and are never going to meet are going to tell you that your way of making something that you want to eat is Bad and Wrong.

Yep

I have no answer to this conundrum, but the tare option seems likely!

I would have porridge over any breakfast i can think of….i would like to share my secrets

20g of oats….doesnt have to be artisan
35g of wheatbran powder from Holland and Barrett
320g of Alpro hazlenut ‘milk’

Bring to a simmer on the hob, cover and switch off. Go and walk your dog for 30 mins. Return and put hob on low and stir in about another 20-30g of hazlenut juice.

Once its piping hot, pour into your bowl and savour the best start to the day!

Ian

@thepurist – peak STW porridge making right there!! :D

I’m glad the OP didn’t mention his coffee brewing procedures either…..the man microwaves porridge, one can only sensibly assume he uses instant coffee too….it’s just not the STW way!! :D

Cold oats soaked in milk/yoghurt FTW. With frozen fruit, then add fresh banana, berries, cacao nibs, cinnamon, pecans, peanut butter, chia seeds etc etc. Soooooo good and less ‘stick in your gut’ than porridge also.

Do I win the hipster-off?

“I’m just going out for a moment, I may be some time, or I may not be, or indeed I might still be here. But yes I’ll have porridge” You are Quantum Captain Oats aicmfp

This post is NOT about porridge, i have no issues with the porridge, i’m happy eating mine or my wife’s porridge, microwaved or boiled up in a pot with a hint of cinnamon, i do not need any advice about porridge.

This post is a post about Quantum Entanglement, which i do have many problems with.

Oh, this is just going to turn into Hipster-than-thou with people you don’t know and are never going to meet are going to tell you that your way of making something that you want to eat is Bad and Wrong

Not at all.
What you do is – lots of oats in the pan and not much water. Heat it and stir until you have a thick, but barely cooked consistency. You should be able to upend the pan over your head. Then scoop the porridge out into a bowl and fashion into the shape of your favourite mountain. Think the buachaille, eiger, etc. Then add a snow-cap of yogurt, some honey and raisins/nuts, and a small lake of milk at the bottom.

Done. Stand back and admire your work then scoff it.
This is what everyone else does….yeah?

i do not need any advice about porridge.

It’s STW’s job to let you know that you do.

Do I win the hipster-off?

God no, unless you walk to the local farming collective to barter for your own oats, soak them in water collected from a moss filled downpipe for a week and flavour them with salt scavenged from a half nibbled lick, are you even starting with the right ingredients?

The you’ve got to cook it on a solar powered aga for 14 days stirring constantly with your purpose made hand axe whittled spoon, and then and only then can you stand outside in a puddle with a grim look on your face eating your porridge…

Otherwise you’re just pretending

This post is NOT about porridge

What you wanted your post to be about and what STW decides it should be about are two different things sorry

This post is NOT about porridge

It’s got porridge in the title?

OP – if you watch your wife make the porridge, you’ll collapse the wavefunction and find out what she does differently.
I say this a someone who dabbles with quantum mechanics and eats muesli.

Also you use the word porridge four times in your OP and then a further four times in your rebuttal. 🧐

which i do have many problems with.

Or don’t as well?

… barter for your own oats

Well, I guess it’s a sustainable trade!

Samhay, for pitys sake museli, no dabbler of Quantum Mechanics would surely ever eat museli. In an almost infinite number of Worlds you will be eating porridge.

Cold oats soaked in milk/yoghurt FTW. With frozen fruit, then add fresh banana, berries, cacao nibs, cinnamon, pecans, peanut butter, chia seeds etc etc. Soooooo good and less ‘stick in your gut’ than porridge also.

Do I win the hipster-off?

My version is half a glass of apple juice, yoghourt, frozen fruit, oats. Leave overnight in the fridge.

Clearly it’s not porridge, though.

In an almost infinite number of Worlds you will be eating porridge.

And you’ll be able to spell muesli

Bring to a simmer on the hob, cover and switch off. Go and walk your dog for 30 mins. Return and put hob on low and stir in about another 20-30g of hazlenut juice.

I don’t have a dog. I don’t want a dog. What should I do?

Cold oats soaked in milk/yoghurt FTW. With frozen fruit, then add fresh banana, berries, cacao nibs, cinnamon, pecans, peanut butter, chia seeds etc etc.

This is a dessert, not breakfast.

You shake / tamp your measure of porridge down, your wife fluffs up the porridge. Try measuring by weight rather than volume and see if you get the same result.

Porridge is for special days. As are dogs.
For the rest of the time Newtonian muesli is just fine. Instant coffee on the other hand is the worst kind of self abuse.

God no, unless you walk to the local farming collective to barter for your own oats, soak them in water collected from a moss filled downpipe for a week and flavour them with salt scavenged from a half nibbled lick, are you even starting with the right ingredients?

The you’ve got to cook it on a solar powered aga for 14 days stirring constantly with your purpose made hand axe whittled spoon, and then and only then can you stand outside in a puddle with a grim look on your face eating your porridge…

Otherwise you’re just pretending

You forget salt and water not milk because that’s the Scottish way and Everything’s better in Scotland (I love Scotland for reference).

 if you take it out of the microwave about 3/4 of the way through cooking and give it a good battering with a fork before finishing it off it turns out pretty well.

I reckon you’re wife is too busy to be arsed with this step while she’s making breakfast.

slam

beep beep beep ting.

whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom

ting

clunk

And smash it onto the table in front of you. None of that whisking malarky.

Best made in a pizza oven

Clearly its the microwave. Do you even know how it works? There’s no fire. Turn it off before it starts recording your thoughts too, it’s dangerous. Have toast instead.

You make porridge every day and still have to weigh it!!!!???!!

What you wanted your post to be about and what STW decides it should be about are two different things sorry

ROFL

Clearly its the microwave. Do you even know how it works? There’s no fire.

Put a video camera inside while it’s running. Trust me, there will be fire.

On the weekend, I add a dollop of salted butter….I know

I make porridge in different ways on different days! ymmv. I suppose what I’m saying is that I have nothing of any use to add.

Maybe she fluffs yours up when your back is turned?

That, or your data-gathering is deficient…

i have two porridge recipes:

2/3 scoop cheapest oats, 1 scoop tap water, three beeps on the power button, eat before it sets like concrete
or, same oats, same water, some frozen wonky berries, six beeps on the button……

by the time ive had a shave its cold enough to eat.

EDIT – perhaps ‘recipe’ is too strong a word

That Dougle the Scotsman clip is yet more proof of how inexplicably successful Harry Enfield was.