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Bloke just said he was going to beat me up with the front of the neck of his guitar.
I just said, "Is that a fret?"
Who you trying to get crazy with, ése?
Don't you know I'm loco?
I got into a fight with a bloke over some suspension forks. He broke them in half and hit me with them. It was a bit of a shock.
I went to Billingsgate and asked if I could buy a steak
Got told it wasn't the right plaice to buy that sort of thing
My front door is made of foam, don't knock it.
I bought a dog from the village blacksmith the other day.
When I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
My wife's got 12 nipples. Sounds incredible, doesn't it!
Every time I go for a ride my bike tries to kill me. It's a vicious cycle.
I lost my voice once.
You didn't hear me moan about it though.
I told that joke to Tom Vine.
He didn't laugh.
I told that joke to Tom Vine.
You should have told it to Tim instead.
He’d have loved it
That red tarmac is dangerous...
It's a freaking cycle-path
Someone keeps stealing my animals at night.
Really gets my goat.
Two women are looking at dresses in a shop window. That's the one I'd get, says one to the other.
Then a cyclops appears from the shop and eats them.
The advantages of origami are two-fold.
I posted this joke recently but always worthy of rolling it out again....
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
I told that joke to Tom Vine.
You should have told it to Tim instead.
He’d have loved it
He responded with...
I lost my hearing.
I never thought I’d hear myself saying that.
I had a problem with some new wheel I bought. I called the manufacturer they put me straight through to their spokesperson.
I met this bloke who claimed to be a pop star in the 80s. "Are you sure about that?" I asked - he said "yes, I'm adamant".
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.
It was such a nice jester.