Viewing 40 posts - 1 through 40 (of 56 total)
  • Pub Farting Etiquette
  • Premier Icon PJM1974
    Free Member

    We have a village “character” who frequents our local micropub. He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but otherwise a nice enough chap in a monosyllabic sort of a way, he likes his ale and generally mixes okay with everyone.

    However, he also seems to have problem flatulence – by that I mean the type of fart that empties the entire pub three or four times in one evening. As Jilly Goulden might be moved to say “I’m getting notes of farmyard, volcanic sulphur and necrotic rat”. Customers and bar staff have complained about the stench and the landlord has on several occasions taken the chap aside to plead “Steve, for Christ’s sake please fart outside”. There’s a collection of industrial strength air-freshener sprays on the bar, but it’s all to no avail, Steve ignores all hints and reasonable requests, he keeps quacking away night after night resulting in an exodus of choking punters.

    Some of us worry that Steve has a profound learning difficulty and that he may not be entirely responsible for his actions.

    Are we being played?

    Premier Icon fossy
    Full Member

    You are spending too much time in the pub !

    Premier Icon fatboyjon
    Full Member

    Steve for PM. Embrace the diversity of characters in your life.

    Premier Icon thepurist
    Full Member

    Are we talking a berepper or silent-but-deadly? If he’s audible over the general bar hubbub then you can at least all get to the exits.

    Premier Icon thestabiliser
    Free Member

    Are LEV barstools a thing?

    Premier Icon PJM1974
    Free Member

    Steve for PM. Embrace the diversity of characters in your life.

    Quite the metaphor – Johnson farts in our faces daily and people still vote for him. Steve is better PM material though.

    Are we talking a berepper or silent-but-deadly?

    Proper SBD, there’s no warning of the impending trouser-cough. Steve will even stand there in the epicentre of chuff chaos with a blank expression on his face as we scramble for the door. It’s like that scene from The Wrath of Khan when the Enterprise is under attack and everyone is fleeing the toxic gas leakage in engineering.

    Premier Icon kayak23
    Full Member

    Premier Icon PJM1974
    Free Member

    Thank you Kayak – a pub whip-around will be arranged.

    Premier Icon mert
    Free Member

    😀
    We used to have a customer like that in the pub i worked at while at uni.

    Sat at the end of the bar drinking stout and eating bar snacks all night.
    Farts smelt much as you describe.

    Eventual solution was a one strike and you’re out rule.
    Which worked well for everyone, he went for a lap of the building every time he had the urge to fart, so we didn’t have to breathe noxious fumes, once he was drunk, and forgot about the rule, or just thought he could get away with it, he’d get thrown out and save himself a fortune.

    Premier Icon andytherocketeer
    Full Member

    “The one who smelt it, must have dealt it!” 😉

    Premier Icon tomhoward
    Full Member

    “The one who smelt it, must have dealt it!”

    He who made the rhyme, did the crime…

    Premier Icon kayak23
    Full Member

    Thank you Kayak – a pub whip-around will be arranged.

    Sounds like there’s already quite enough ‘whipping around’ as it were.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    He who denied it supplied it.

    Premier Icon LAT
    Full Member

    You are spending too much time in the pub !

    is this a thing now? i don’t understand the world anymore.

    do they make a version of those pant called coco pops for when you’re in danger of following through?

    Premier Icon nedrapier
    Full Member

    Active charcoal cushion for Steve. And/or gluten free beer for Steve.

    Funnily enough, the mate of mine who alerted me to gluten intolerance and bad beer farts is a Steve. Pretty sure it’s a different Steve!

    Premier Icon cleetonator
    Full Member

    He who denied it supplied it.

    He who articulated it, particulated it

    Premier Icon FunkyDunc
    Free Member

    local micropub – nice enough chap in a monosyllabic sort of a way – As Jilly Goulden might be moved to say “I’m getting notes of farmyard, volcanic sulphur and necrotic rat”

    I think Steve is fed up of posho middle class folk disturbing his quiet pint so he is doing his best to rid the pub of such annoying chaps 😉

    Funnily enough, the mate of mine who alerted me to gluten intolerance and bad beer farts is a Steve.

    It’s not good beer if it doesn’t give you strong farts

    Premier Icon nedrapier
    Full Member

    “Strong” not “Bad”, OK! 😀

    Premier Icon FunkyDunc
    Free Member

    Depends – I am sure Steve is very proud of his strong and bad farts… who isnt when its your own !

    Premier Icon matt_outandabout
    Full Member

    This and suitable siren:

    Premier Icon BigJohn
    Full Member

    Yes, farts are like kids: your own are great, other peoples’ are terrible.

    Premier Icon Houns
    Full Member

    If you want to fight fire with fire then I’m available for hire. My rates are reasonable, accommodation and food required. I’ll bring 4 pints of Enville Ginger, I’ll soon have Steve gasping for fresh air

    Premier Icon jamj1974
    Full Member

    There’s no excuse.

    Premier Icon honeybadgerx
    Full Member

    Does he happen to do it every time there’s a queue at the bar? You may well be being played.

    Premier Icon shermer75
    Free Member

    Mention it before you stench on it

    Premier Icon RustySpanner
    Full Member

    Bloody amateurs….

    …the correct course of action upon committing a particularly foul loon sneeze is to smile at the barmaid and declare loudly ‘Say nowt love, they’ll all think it’s me’.

    Premier Icon ugarizza
    Free Member

    Steve has paid for his pint and has every right to fart.

    What’s next, Steve can’t sneeze?

    Premier Icon Jordan
    Full Member

    We thought we had one in our local but no one would admit to it. Eventually cottoned on that the foul smell was radiating everytime one of the bar staff opened the dishwasher…..

    Premier Icon PJM1974
    Free Member

    Steve has paid for his pint and has every right to fart.

    Noone has the right to fart like that.

    What’s next, Steve can’t sneeze?

    That depends – will the sneeze cause him to release gargantuan guff gasses?

    Premier Icon matt_outandabout
    Full Member

    Steve has paid for his pint and has every right to fart is expected to be a reasonable citizen of the pub.

    Ftfy

    Premier Icon blokeuptheroad
    Full Member

    I sympathise with Steve. Beer does this to me. Not one or two pints but if I make a night of it and eat crap food. I go away hillwalking a couple of times a year with a group of mates. We usually stay in a bunkhouse near a pub. Full fry ups for breakfast, snacking on pickled onions and pork scratchings all day and pub steak and chips for tea. All washed down with eleventy six pints of Scruttocks Old Dirigible or some such.

    The smell in the bunkhouse after a day or two of this is off the scale. It would peel the skin off your face. It’s indescribable, truly horrific. To be be fair, it’s not just me – we all seem to suffer but I am always aghast at the unholy miasma that emanates from my clackervalve on those trips. It takes me about 3 or 4 days to detox when I get home and Mrs Bloke usually decamps to another room until I am cleansed!

    Premier Icon ransos
    Free Member

    He who articulated it, particulated it

    The one who sang the song made the pong.

    Premier Icon PJM1974
    Free Member

    It turns out that Steve’s regular drinking circuit involves a few pints of John Smith’s at the Wetherspoon’s in the next town. Apparently he’s ejected from there once he’s stunk the place out so he rocks up to our village and a pint of Gadd’s is enough to trip the fart-fuse once again and away he goes.

    Honestly, the scenes last Friday were a lot like this:

    Premier Icon joshvegas
    Free Member

    The one who sang the song made the pong.

    Whoever rapped it crapped it.

    Premier Icon finephilly
    Free Member

    This game will give you an indication of acceptability in this area:

    https://www.addictinggames.com/funny/hide-the-fart

    Premier Icon ransos
    Free Member

    Whoever rapped it crapped it.

    Whomever sensed it, dispensed it.

    Premier Icon PJM1974
    Free Member

    Just please don’t stop with the couplets. Genuine guffaws here!

    Premier Icon tomhoward
    Full Member

    Steve has paid for his pint and has every right to fart.

    What’s next, Steve can’t sneeze?

    Think we’ve found Steve’s forum login

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    What’s next, Steve can’t sneeze?

    I rather suspect this would carry a greater risk.

    Premier Icon ernielynch
    Free Member

    Steve has paid for his pint and has every right to fart.

    Well I never knew that.

    How much farting does buying one pint allow the purchaser…… unlimited farting for the rest of the evening?

    A bit like Weatherspoons ‘have as many coffee refills as you like’ deal?

Viewing 40 posts - 1 through 40 (of 56 total)

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