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There’s nothing proportionate about Steve’s farts. I’m a stepfather to twin boys, I’ve known terrible stenches, but this guy is a wrong ‘un.
See if the local vet has a solution?
I've just been to the Tappit for the first time in 2.5 years.
One room.
I genuinely looked around and wondered if 'Steve' could be one of the regulars.
In a similar fashion to blokeuptheroad I went diving in Scapa Flow, sharing the boat with 10 other hairy-arsed divers. You know what a thermocline is? Well, by day two as you went down the ladder to the sleeping quarters was a definite parpocline that brought to tears to your eyes...
Full fry ups for breakfast, snacking on pickled onions and pork scratchings all day and pub steak and chips for tea. All washed down with eleventy six pints of Scruttocks Old Dirigible or some such.
Have you been taking notes from Johnny Fartpants? 😉
From the reviews:
'Always pop in here when we stay at the old churches hotel great wee pub'
blimey, that too
Are pints in micropubs smaller than normal pints?
No, just further away.
If so it represents a serious escalation from what appeared to be the original issue.
When the weapon (in this case the trouser cough) appears to rival mustard gas it’s probably more of a Geneva Convention/war crime sort of situation.
My local's a micropub rather than a wee pub (apart from some Fridays) but fortunately no-one pops down there.
Bring back smoking in pubs! A great mask for bad farts, mildewed curtains and rancid seats.
A great mask for bad farts, mildewed curtains and rancid seats
You need to find a new local 😃
So....
It's been a while. Steve still continues to shuffle into the pub after a Wetherspoon's Safari and will hold court at the bar.
Bless him, he's a little wee guy of indeterminate late-ish middle age who has apparently been to a lot of gigs. He's told me about having seen Joy Division, John Cooper Clarke (he's an encyclopaedia of knowledge of Factory Records gigs) and of his er, appreciation for Tin Machine.
He also seems to have given up farting in the pub. The last year or so has been largely free of sulphurous stenches, despite him announcing earlier this evening "Wh-wh-hat? You don't like oyster stout? I've had five th-th-this evening".
Here's to Farty Steve. Legend.
Tin Machine? He’s playing you, 100%
Totally. But he's not guffing the sort of stenches that belong in the boiling sulphur-pits of the seventh circle of hell in the pub anymore. He goes outside to do it.
How do you know who did it? If he's not smart enough to let it leak out slowly while he shuffles around the room on a cropdusting mission, he deserves to be thrown out for incompetence.
If he’s not smart enough to let it leak out slowly while he shuffles around the room on a cropdusting mission, he deserves to be thrown out for incompetence.
So he's not a smart fella, instead he's a fart smeller?
If so it represents a serious escalation from what appeared to be the original issue.
Chemical weapons are banned under NATO (Not Announced Trouser Operation) terms, so the rest of the pub is well within rights to enact Farticle 5 and retaliate reflatulate
Get one of these for his seat - https://www.amazon.com/SMELLRID-Activated-Carbon-Flatulence-Control/dp/B07228XT6R
Fart-absorbing pad.
😂Long live fart fella😂
Ladies downt pub must love him or is it a country pub where it attracts loads of crazy horsey male looking birds
Whoever stropped it, dropped ot
The one who sniffed it, gifted it.
Whoever policed it released it.
Whomsoever grunted ought to be shunted.
But yeah, gas masks + straws all round. Except Steve, who should be made to think about what he just done did.
Have a whip round, buy him one of those long fire lighter'wands' and create a flare off bit like an oil refinery. only really amusing to teenagers and drunks but should clear the air.