Well, my missus anyway. We were away for a few days last week & stayed in a cottage near Berwick & on talking to the owner I asked how many acres they farmed & later on my better(?) half who's a 53 year old staff nurse so not entirely stoopid says, 'so how big's an acre then, is it about the size of a field?' I nearly spilled my beer. She obviously doesn't realise that fields come in different sizes!
Lets hear yours.

Can you get a tan from the moon?

Told the other half that scottish posties can wear kilts if they wanted 😆 to,she asked me if Royal mail had their own tartan 😯

Ex-GF of mine was convinced that Normandy was in the South of France. Her logic? Well, it's South of the UK…..

She's now a successful journalist. And still hot. 😳

at my cousins wedding (who is 22) my two year old went over to her and her new (grey haired late forty something year old) husband and said does this mean i have another granddad now 🙂

I found out yesterday that Sweeney Todd was a fiction! (I thought he was real)

Missus TinMan was thinking of buying some of those placky bags you suck the air out of to save space when storing things.

She asked me: Does our hoover have a suck function?

I once told Mrs. S that Dulux had bought the rights to English sheepdogs and only they were now allowed to breed them and that prices for pups had gone up by 1000%. Yup HL&S.

Me to my 3 year old daughter:

Dad – "What have you been doing?"

Daughter – "Looting"

my (then) toddler on being denied bathroom access because I was doing a number two:

"has it got sweet corn in it?"

my daughter (aged 2 at the time)when we arrived from a stressed out car drive quite late for christmas lunch: 'Granny, whats does bl00dy f**cking traffic lights mean?'

Can you see out of a glass eye?

Convinced my other half that wombles are real. Grey, about the size of a badger. Obviously don't dress up like they do on the telly, origanate from Eastern Europe, hence Uncle Bulgaria.

She also beleived that it is easier to a ride a bike south than north. The earth in;t a perfect sphere, about 80miles shorter round the poles than the equater, so you get further from the centre as you go south (or north if you are in the southern hemispere) Had a good laugh at her when I told her it was rubbish. Was reading a geology textbook some weeks later and said 'you know what I said about it being easier to go south on a bike? Turns out it's actually true!.' Got her with the same thing twice.

Not from a female, but one of my friends thought that the Jap's had attacked Poole Harbour.

When my wife and i first got together, she commented on how nice my Mr Miyagi aftershave smelt. She still gets regular ribbings about it now, but she still buys me a new bottle of Issey Miyaki every year.

Our little 'un is great. She was very excited when her 'wizard' teeth were on their way. She also liked 'borganic' veg, which i still say now. Just to remind her 😈

those huge circular steel frames, which house expandable gas storage tanks – tank was at the bottom, just the frame, GF asked me what it was, i said a storage tank for fresh air. she said 'oh', we carried on.

Daughter about 3 years old in supermarket blurts out "Daddy, that man is a big fat lardy" just as the piped music stopped and we were the only other ones in the aisle. The bloke was a walking wheelie-bin though, so she was right…………. 😀

My gf took me to Prague for my birthday last year. Before we went, we were sat around one day discussing what we could do over there and she said "Can we go to the seaside?"

I had to get the map and point out where Prague was, with specific mention of the fact that the nearest coast was 300 miles away.

Geography and navigation aren't her strong points…

My god daughter had been 'helping' me fix the bike in the garage and got bored so went to play with her dolly. She put a sling on the arm and her mummy asked if her dolly had hurt her arm.

Abigail (about 3 at the time) replies : Yes and it is Proper Bolloxed!

My friends' daughter, Myfanvi (how do you spell a Welsh name?):
– Granny, do you kiss Grandad's willy?

i told my ex wife her dictionary may be worth a fortune as some words had been left out and hers got through the quality check. i think i said gullible wasn't in it. she proudly found it and i said what does it mean. she didn't click.

Walking around Ikea "that's funny, Ikea's colours are exactly the same as Bjorn's bike". (Bjorn is a Swedish triathlete)

a few weeks ago I was bringing junior carlos (nearly 5) home from school when a car cut us up , I only just stopped myself cursing to hear 'for f*cks sake' from the back seat.

I nearly wee'd! , but when we got home explained that this was a naughty word that only daddys say when things go wrong.

I was talking to a 40 year old woman recently, who genuinely thought that it was a different Moon that she saw on holiday in Spain than the one she could see from home. No amount of explanation could convince her of the truth.

A mate – from off here so I won't mention his name – runs a PC repair business, and offered to do me a favour when my PC was playing up in return for me showing him a local MTB route.

Mate: after pulling and poking the innards of the machine with no joy "So what is it…?"

2 year old: "It's a computer"

Wife pointed at the garden fence and asked "What's that black bird called?"

DavidB – Member
Wife pointed at the garden fence and asked "What's that black bird called?"

Nigel.

Ah ha! I've just remembered another one she came out with a couple of years ago. We were ready to drive down to Spain & were deciding wether to leave on Wednesday or Thursday morning, there were a few things to sort out but she said, 'ok, so we'll leave Wednesday or Thursday, or which ever comes first'. Pi$$ed myself all the way to Alicante.

"has it got sweet corn in it?"

😀

Used to tell guests at the ski hotel I worked at that moguls were made by Marmots; yep, they're like alpine mole hills.

really?!??!?

Yep, true.

my 3yo daughter last weekend

"Granny has got big boobies… but they're a bit bent. They are very floppy when she walks(accompanied by actions) I want big boobies too." 😆

Used to tell guests at the ski hotel I worked at that moguls were made by Marmots; yep, they're like alpine mole hills.

I persuaded someone on a recent skiing trip that marmots were actually vicious predators. Far more scary than the wolves that were up the mountain.

I new a very beautiful girl who thought leather came from sofas

my daughter aged 3 as a dwarf walks into the shop we were in "look daddy it's a gnome" i screamed with laughter, he was not impressed!.

Yesterday, my three year old son looked at us as we were trying to get him to bed and said 'You two are such buggers…'.

We failed somewhat in the keeping-a-straight-face department. 😆

wife in the middle of windemere " if you don't stop rocking this boat i'm getting out"

A mates 3 year old daughter spent the entire of a christening service staring at the roof of the church. We were all wondering what she was looking at so intently. At the end she nods confidently and says "yep! Big enough for a giraffe" 🙂

My eldest when she was 3 in a book shop buying a present for Mummy's birthday. She asks if she can carry it "Yes, but we have to pay the lady first"

She looks at the bull dyke behind the counter and says "That's not a lady, it's a man"
With a mixture of horror and a stifled giggle I have to correct her "It's not, it's a lady who has chosen to have short hair"
"Well she shouldn't because it makes her look like a man"

Paid cash and left as fast as I could.

Julie (then 27) watching the intro to tomorrow's world

"I think it amazing babies can breath under water"

A girl I worked with remarked about the old valve radio we had at the time and asked 'does it only play old music then?'

Big enough for a giraffe

brilliant

We got called into school (son was 7). Apparently one of the teachers had heard him say the 'f' word. We had a chat about it and he said that robert was the one who had said it. Immediately the head teacher said 'oh no, robert would never say that' (roberts parents being big church goers and robert being the total blue eyed kid in the religious school).
"Why don't we get robert in then and ask him?", I suggest. (I already suspected he was a snide little sod, what with his parents being church goers and all.)
After some discussion in the office (his mum was there too as she worked in the canteen), robert and my son got into an argument about what happened and then robert blurted out to my son …..'just **** off'.

Long silence

"We'll see ourselves out then", I said. We laughed all the way home.