Hi all,
I think I’ve finally coming around to facing a mental health issue.
Bit about me; late 20s, good income (higher tax), no debt, small savings, enjoyable job with a fantastic company, nice house on a reasonable mortgage in a lovely area, nice cars & bikes, amazing & beautiful wife, do volunteering, fit & healthy, 2 cool dogs & some friends.

So, I never seem to be happy with what I have and it’s always centered around ‘things’; house, car, bikes, kayaks, phones or something else. I tend to flit between these consumables.. if i’m not on rightmove then it’s autotrader and then onto ebay.. I’ve wasted an awful lot of money on stuff I don’t need and often change it or sell it.

I think I’m using it as a distraction to keep my head busy. I just put my energy into consuming and analyzing ‘stuff’ to keep me preoccupied. Underneath it all I get dark thoughts sometimes. Weekly/monthly for the past 10yrs I’ve just thought about sticking a rope in the car and disappearing, or driving the car into a tree or something else. The weird thing is I would never ever act on it. I’m portrayed as laid back, caring and adventurous and I don’t think my thoughts and habits have been notices.

Clearly there’s something wrong, so I’d like to make changes in my life-
1. Be content with what I have
2. Put my energy to good use elsewhere
3. Get rid of these suicidal thoughts

I’m introverted and the thought of talking to someone about my thoughts and habits absolutely terrifies me, to the point where I just can’t do it. I like the idea of self-help for now and working on myself.

Purpose of this post was both to vent and also to see if others can provide experiences or ideas on self improvement.

Feel free to ignore 😀

I’m introverted and the thought of talking to someone about my thoughts and habits absolutely terrifies me, to the point where I just can’t do it.

You’ve just done it. And, seriously, well done for that.

‘Contentment’ is a rare commodity these days, we’re pretty much conditioned to want more, we’re surrounded by it from birth; we can do this to be fitter, we can eat that to be healthier, we can buy this to make us better at [insert sport here] etc etc etc. There are things that like mindfulness stuff that can help that kind of thing.

But.

If you’re having the underlying ‘dark’ thoughts you mentioned, then you may find talking to someone beneficial. It’ll be tricky at first, but, like I said right at the start, you’ve proved you can already.

amazing & beautiful wife

I’m introverted and the thought of talking to someone about my thoughts and habits absolutely terrifies me

There lies your first step.

Some of that sounds like an early mid life crisis – many people reach a ‘what’s it all about’ stage sooner or later. Having shared on here I guess you’ve recognised that you have some concerns over your mental health and want to do something about it. What would you do if it was your heart or your knees giving you trouble? You have more or less the same options – talk to your GP about it or find a private specialist (or just ask a random bunch of people online). Your GP can use tools to diagnose various mental health issues but has limited scope to offer support, and the support services are very stretched, but if you can tell us about stuff then you can tell them. If you have the capacity to pay for some professional help then your GP may be able to suggest where to start, so again it’s a good idea to chat to them – finding the right person to talk to is half the battle.

(and re the above – your wife may be a great confidant but is not necessarily a good therapist. Many people like to come up with ideas to ‘fix’ you but that’s not how it works)

(oh and as an introvert who fought my own mental battles for the best part of 25 years, yes it’s hard – I spent my first weeks of counselling talking about “stuff” rather than talking about me – but once I felt I could open up the real work started)

I’m introverted and the thought of talking to someone about my thoughts and habits absolutely terrifies me

Take your dogs for a walk and tell them first. They won’t judge you.

Once you hear yourself saying out loud it doesn’t seem so scary.

Then tell your wife. She won’t judge you either

I wouldn’t open with “I’m suicidal!” though.
Ease her in gently with “All this stuff isn’t really making me happy” and let the conversation just grow from there.

It’ll really help.

What you’re experiencing isn’t at all weird or unusual. It’s perfectly normal but society has conditioned us to not want to talk about it. Which is a shame because it really, really does help.

Another vote for counselling here.

I found myself in a place several years ago, where I just had to find someone to talk to, and spent the next couple of years learning stuff about myself that I hadn’t known for nearly 50 years and had just buried away (the discovery process never stops, I suspect).

It’s so beneficial that I’d call it vital, and was fascinating at the same time.

I believe that almost everyone could benefit from some talking therapy.

Best thing I ever did was finally realise that the (increasingly regular) dark thoughts needed dealing with. Triggered by problems at work, but GP was great, accepted that I didn’t want to use meds at first, signed me off, eventually for three months, arranged some CBT, pointed me at other resources before using meds to just give me enough mental breathing space to get longer term coping mechanisms in place.

Work were fantastic (civil service), sorted some counseling through the welfare programme, phased return, helped with adjusting duties and support.

Being open with it really helped me. Partly because so many people close to me were shocked at how I’d hidden it, and also because so many friends opened up about their experiences, many of whom I’d never have imagined would have gone through it. Also, those friends who weren’t supportive or understanding are no longer friends.

It’s OK to be not be OK is so much more than a slogan.

i would second talking to a professional, no matter how uncomfortable it might make you feel, it will be worth it in the long run.

My wife and I had some marriage counselling before lock down. Whilst our relationship was fairly strong, we had the odd wobble, so wanted to get help before it escalated. The amount of things we discovered and realised about each other and more importantly, ourselves was amazing. It was well worth it.

Good luck with it!

Thanks so much for all the contributions. It really helps!
I think it doesn’t help that I was brought up in a very stiff family with emotional neglect.
I find I can open up when typing, but actually talking out loud is difficult.

I started talking to my GP. Tried Counselling a couple of times with some success but not necessarily the solution. What has, and is, working for me is Buddhist teachings and meditation. I’m not religious and like many others don’t consider Buddhism to be a religion. It’s all about training the mind, non attachment to things, etc. Try reading Thich Nhat Han or if you’re not a reader check out a film called Walk with me

Hey there,

I’m in a similar predicament, not exactly but similar.

I can highly recommend finding a therapist/counsellor who you get on with and feel comfortable with – this is key. I tried a couple before I found the one I now use. The first session is tough, but as others have said you’ve spoken out loud about it which is a huge step.

I’m starting my next therapy in a few weeks and I can’t wait. I’ve had these issues before and the therapy was invaluable to turning myself around.

Wishing you all the best.

I had pretty serious difficulties with my mental health through my 20s. Just like you, OP, I kept telling myself that I would be happy if I just had this or that and it never made me happier.
I tried counselling but it didn’t work for me (totally personal, it has worked wonders for a lot of people I know) and neither did meds.
What has worked is a combination of mindfulness, meditation and removing stress triggers from my life. Essentially, I do my best to live as much as possible in the absolute present (which takes a lot more practice than you might imagine) which helps supress the yearning for new/better things and also serves as a pretty good distraction from any intrusive thoughts (like, yeah, I could kill myself, but look at that nice tree over there). You could call it contentment, but I see it more as a general acceptance. It’s about acknowledging the thoughts in your head without feeling the need to necessarily do anything about them.
Where we differ is that my issues manifested as (often very public) acts of self-destruction. This meant that there was a fair bit of external motivation to get better fromy wife/friends, without which I would certainly not have seen my 30s.
Talk to your wife, she’ll understand. She probably won’t have any answers, but it’s amazing how much easier problems can be solved when there’s two of you.

I was speaking with a mental health practitioner very recently.
I was curious to know if the current lack of social interaction had made her job harder.
She told me that a lot of her work was speaking to people over the phone. She told me a lot of people open up more easily as its more anonymous than face to face or Zoom type chat.
So now might be a really good time to seek some help and move yourself to a happy place. Its a lot like talking to the dogs as mentioned above 🙂
I dont know you OP, but look after yourself and get some help
Ian

Theres a lot of good advice here I wont rehash – the only thing I’d add is –

When you speak to your wife, be very clear it’s not about her, or your relationship with her. You need to make that clear so you can work towards a better future, together.

I’d suggest talking to Mind. They have an anonymous helpline that can get you started:
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/#collapse78ded

You’ve got this!

Hi OP

Although much older I’m also introverted and I’ve been “fixing” the materialism aspect for a few years now as many on here will attest to.  Introverts often default to “me”, “now”, and “versus others”.

I discovered that oneupmanship and the money going to shiny things only made me more bitter, and not better than anyone, nor do I deserve to be.    I posted another thread today (mid life plans) which you may want to read as its on a similar path but:

a) Order and read “Reset” by David Sawyer.  Your in a much younger position than me but this will help you refocus to what you and your wife would like in life, **** everybody else and their comparisons

b) Read “The art of not giving a ****” by Mark Manson – stick with it past the first chapter – which will give you an insight into entitlement and direction thereafter.  We live in an entitled society.  Mark also has many articles on his website and blog.

c) Give social media a miss, its mostly focused on a very small percentage of extreme positives or extreme negatives, neither are the mainstream real life and you can ruin yourself trying to achieve the former.

In short, we don’t care what car you have and nor should you be trying to impress us, but be content you have a great opportunity to work towards a fruitful life with your wife, whatever that may represent.   There will ALWAYS be ups and downs in life, its rarely a steady journey so just accept that and continue.   I’d value a simple bike ride with you rather than a trip in your car, and the trappings of the famous and the extrovert often come with huge detriment – you’ll know that most famous actors and music stars have some form of depression, anxiety or habit.

IMO the situation you are in is what has led to the epidemic of depression related issues in the western world. Apparently you have it all by the values we are taught and many aspire to but when you get there you find its not what you had hoped.

Buying more stuff will not help. You need to reset your expectations. Professional help might be useful or you may be able to do it yourself.

One key thing for me is to find and take joy in simple things and to make time for that. A walk in the park, a smile from a stranger, the view from the top of a hill.

Make time to be outside – but time to sit and stare rater than striving for something

More fantastic posts, thank you!
Just reading about other peoples struggles and knowing I’m not alone has made me feel a lot better.
Much of the advice is exactly what I wanted to read and where I want to get to.
Thanks again!

Sounds to me like mostly what you need is a hobby.

I have piles and piles of books, video games, CDs, DVDs… 90% of which is shortly destined for a charity shop or a skip. Retired AV gear, computer equipment, toys like Astro Wars I’ve had since I was a kid. Piles of consoles from the first Playstation to present day (and an Atari VCS).

As soon as I had disposable income I was like “this is great!” and it was far sexier buying Bubble Bobble for the Atari ST than it was a new kettle or a couple of rolls of wallpaper. Fast forward a quarter of a century and it’s something I deeply regret. All those “collector’s edition” VHS cassettes I bought went to landfill years ago. I’m moving house because this one will cost me tens of thousands to put right. There’s so much crap in here that I don’t know where to start and I’m still sitting here trying to shake the mindset of thinking “well, someone might want all these back issues of Crash magazine and a Nokia 6230…”

There comes a point where the stuff you own, owns you. And you don’t realise until it’s too late.

Weekly/monthly for the past 10yrs I’ve just thought about sticking a rope in the car and disappearing, or driving the car into a tree or something else. The weird thing is I would never ever act on it.

If it helps you any, those are not suicidal thoughts. The time for concern is when you’re starting searching for reasons to talk yourself out of it.

I’m introverted and the thought of talking to someone about my thoughts and habits absolutely terrifies me

And I totally saw that coming. Go self-help yourself a look into Asperger’s / ASD symptoms.

My work has paid for me to do counseling. It’s been amazing.

I suffer from anxiety and depression and have actively wanted to avoid medication but it really started to have an effect on my family life and I didn’t want that at all. Speaking to my boss he put me in contact with a counseling service and I now have a weekly session. The first one was really hard but it’s opened my eyes on destructive behaviours and made it easier to talk to my wife, for which I’m really thankful.

I’d very much recommend it, no-one you’d speak to would have thought I needed it but I definitely did.

My work has paid for me to do counseling.

Actually, that’s a very good point.

We have an “Employee Assistance Programme” at work that provides this sort of service. It’s free to use for all staff and totally confidential, it’s through a third party so there’s no reason for work to even know if you’re using it. It might be worth seeing if you have something similar, I’d guess the probability is quite high given the description in the OP.

sorry for the slight hijack, but my lad has asked me to post this……

ive sent this link to him (hes currently in an intensive care mental health unit) as i also believe that therapy would help him and i thought hed be interested in your experiences and advice. hes read it and asked if any of you could chip in with some advice for him too please, as you may have had similar or serious thoughts like these.

hes been in and out of hospital many times now, sometimes discharged to back home, sometimes to various supported living accommodation. hes currently in supported living with staff support, it gives him a good level of independence should he so wish, but he struggles with his thoughts.
hes asked me to be totally honest about his thoughts. he has suicidal thoughts, paranoia and anxiety (wont go out on his own for fear of being kidnapped after ‘hearing his mates planning to kidnap him a few years ago when he was high on drugs. he accepts that this conversation may never have happened due to his state of mind, or it did happen but they were messing about), and is where he is today because hes recently been so paranoid that his thoughts tell him to harm members of staff/public before they harm him.
when in hospital they just seem to pump him full of more meds, he gets frustrated and starts smashing his head against the wall.

we dont feel hopspital helps him, in fact hes always worse in there, but we understand that for his own and others safety, he needs to be there when he has these thoughts.

hes on a list for DBT starting in september which i feel will help.

anyone else been seriously ill like this? and if so what did you do about it and how are you doing now?

we obviously just want him to get better, but im not sure hes ever been as bad as he is now.

thanks for any advice you can give him.

Sadexpunk that’s sad to hear.  Personally I can’t help other than to tell your son my well documented flying issue – actually fear of falling – stem from my mates messing around doing handbrake turns the wrong side of the Beachy Head fence one night.  I was 19, I’m 48 now and despite my anxiety’s have traveled a fair bit and never been in a plane crash. Tell him that.    Wishing my best and if any of my experience can help I’d be glad to write it down.

OP, before I posted earlier I down loaded another book to my Kindle – Declutter your mind by S J Scott and Barrie Davenport, it’s £3.  I’ve not had time to get past the first chapter, but from my experience the first chapter does so good a job at describing why you feel like you do, you should by it just for that, It’ll be an eye opener.

There’s some good stuff up there.

Just one point I’ll disagree on, there are some things you don’t talk about with your partner, I learned this in previous relationships and I think it’s lead to a more zen three decades. There’s all kinds of crap wizzing around in our heads and a lot of it is only a worry in you start worrying about it and becomes more of a worry if other people start worrying about it with you. Do they really need to know if it’s not affecting them? See a professional by all means but don’t underestimate how your nearest and dearest might react.

The weird thing is I would never ever act on it.

That’s good and it’s not wierd, you still know the difference between fantasy and reality and your survival instint is still intact. I’ve climbed and competed in motorsport. Sometimes you know that not moving a hand a few cms or releasing a couple of fingers would be messy, and you don’t, on the contrary you cling on and fight. That doesn’t stop your mind playing games with you sometimes and the odd cold sweat days later when the instant comes back to you.

I dismiss all the bizarre things in my head as normal, I think the trouble would start if I didn’t.

I don’t think it’s abnormal to experience suicidal thoughts, but I’m afraid to tell people in case they do some sort of intervention. For a while I kept a razor blade on my bedside table. In some strange way, it gave me a sense of security because I knew if the depression went on too long I had a way out. I also fantaised frequently about going to a remote place I know not too far from where I live. I could have gone there and probably wouldn’t get found for a long time. It’s hard to think of killing myself because it would shatter a lot of people’s lives, but there are times when I just think really what’s the point in going on with it.

Lately, I’ve also been wondering if this is just some weird simulation. I often feel alienated from reality, even from things that normally gave me a sense of security, like trees, sunsets, and such. In this society, we’re not supposed to talk about it really – certainly not socially. It’s hard to tell my friends I feel depressed. I wouldn’t mention the S word. But I’m functional enough to get up and go to work. It comes and goes – the last few weeks have been much better. But definitely, mindless consumerism to me seems itself depressing and I’m sure many people would tell us we’ve never had it so good, but there is a definite sense of something lacking for a great many people. I generally see the economic system of symbol worship and commodity fetishism as toxic. The fundamental psychology of consumerism is to deprive us of feeling content – and that’s the dominant economic system.

If you have a garden and don’t do any gardening, I can recommend just pottering about tending to stuff and or just listening/watching the wildlife do its thing.

I highly recommend a book called Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. It’s quite short so doesn’t take long to get through (the Penguin “Great Ideas” version). Stoicism is the perfect antidote to our fast-paced consumer lives.

I also found that deleting all social media helped me, as well as cutting out caffeine.

Check out a “mindfulness” app, such as Headspace, or even some ASMR YouTube videos.

Having a hobby or a “thing” to plan and focus energy on is a must for me. I’m always planning my next cycling adventure or channeling energy into a project. This prevents me from overthinking and worrying about/fixating on trivial stuff.

As others have said, speaking to a professional will help. You might feel a bit awkward to start, but that soon fades away.

I think it’s all good and we all have coping strategies we can employ to prevent triggers, especially like heavy drinking, drugs, binge eating or whatever. But if the OP is in a protracted depression, he should really seek professional help.

Just because we can be functional and depressed doesn’t mean we should just suffer in silence. It could last years. CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and Mindfulness can really help people, as well as just talking. I’m not saying this to anyone in particular.

Well this is a timely thread! I’m currently going through therapy myself. My wife and I did couples therapy a while ago and although it helped, I “got away with” not having to do much and, in doing so, have left some issues unaddressed. After doing something silly, i decided that enough was enough and it was time to have a rummage about upstairs. It really is a great help OP. I’m sure you’ll know, deep down what the individual issues are, but you might not be linking them together. Just saying them out loud and have a professional help you through it is something I would recommend anyone do. I always thought I was fairly self aware, but we all tell ourselves stories. The focussing on activities and hobbies is something I can definitely relate to; I spent a lot of time on my own growing up, so I can tend to fill up time in different ways, not all of them helpful to relationships.
Do talk to your wife, you dont necessarily have to go into dark depths, but at least give her the courtesy out of love. Give it a day or so after a session to chew over things, then talk with her; she may even open up about her own feelings. Coping strategies are what you have noticed, you dont want any more.

Sadexpunk ( and others). I have never been as ill as your kid but I have had counselling for relationship issues and also for personal issues. I found it immensely helpful. I had ” person centered ” counselling – my preferred type. different sorts help different people, the key thing is the relationship between the two

I have also had reflective discussions with friends who have expertise in my areas of concern – again very helpful

the two things have led me to a place of understanding myself and contentment and I think the differences are there for you all to see if you remember my postings on here a while ago

Thanks again for contributing all.
I feel pretty positive today- I’ve ordered and picked up some of those (audio) books, so I look forward to working my way through that.
I’m also going to check out our work medical cover. I have a feeling counselling may be part of the service so that’s promising.

I down loaded another book to my Kindle – Declutter your mind by S J Scott and Barrie Davenport, it’s £3. I’ve not had time to get past the first chapter, but from my experience the first chapter does so good a job at describing why you feel like you do, you should by it just for that, It’ll be an eye opener.

ordered, thank you. ill pass this onto my lad.

The weird thing is I would never ever act on it.

That’s good and it’s not wierd, you still know the difference between fantasy and reality and your survival instint is still intact.

personally, i dont think my lad would either, but im not sure how honest he should be then. tell them about his thoughts and get whisked off to a locked unit, or accept that he has the thoughts but wouldnt do owt about them so stay shtum so he can crack on with getting better, more effective help such as therapy/counselling.

I don’t think it’s abnormal to experience suicidal thoughts, but I’m afraid to tell people in case they do some sort of intervention.

as per my previous reply ^^^

Having a hobby or a “thing” to plan and focus energy on is a must for me. I’m always planning my next cycling adventure or channeling energy into a project. This prevents me from overthinking and worrying about/fixating on trivial stuff.

i also think this is very important, hes got no interests, just lots and lots of time to lay on his bed thinking and overthinking. if youve got no interest in anything tho, you cant force yourself to? we’re constantly hoping he’ll find some sort of interest to get excited about.

Thanks again for contributing all.
I feel pretty positive today- I’ve ordered and picked up some of those (audio) books, so I look forward to working my way through that.
I’m also going to check out our work medical cover. I have a feeling counselling may be part of the service so that’s promising.

excellent, and sorry for hijacking your thread a little 🙂

therapy/counselling – where do you look? im sure there are all sorts of psychiatrists, psychotherapists, counsellors, life coaches available….. what gives you the most bang for buck do you think?
hes been told not to mix DBT with any other therapy, but ive told him i cant see any harm in having a session or two before it starts?

thanks

@sadexpunk

Regarding where to find a therapist/counsellor I would suggest using http://www.bacp.co.uk

As far as I know anyone can call themselves a therapist/counsellor without any formal training (I used to have a girlfriend who was training as a therapist and this was a bone of contention for her), the ones listed on the BACP webby are trained and acredited.

It’s also a very useful resource for types/styles etc.

Hope that is of help and all the best.

Some Mark Manson for you on the definition of success, based on the OP.

Talking to someone is key. It’s not easy but it’s best to do it early now that you have recognised you may have a problem.

I was diagnosed with depression in my late 20’s (took a further 17 years to get a bi-polar diagnosis). I had a massive breakdown years after not allowing myself to grieve my mother as I wanted to “be strong” for my family. My doctor at the time put me on medication to stabilise me but told me to get a bike. I now find that the thoughts and “voices” of depression and the mania are under control when i ride regularly. Combined with the right medication I am stable. I have had my problems up until my recent diagnosis (Jan this year) and found myself in a spiral that eventually cost me a job I enjoyed last year.

Suppose what I am saying is preventing yourself sinking deeper by seeking help early is the best thing you can do because it has taken me a year to get back to the point where I feel I might be able to start looking for a job again. Recovery is a longer road than prevention.

Divorce was 17 years ago; 3 children – now 34, 31, 28.
Relationship with children was poor for many years; great relationship with eldest but nothing with others.
This has caused so many problems – for me; possibly for 2 younger children but I don’t know.
Depression being one of the problems; it’s not a constant but when it’s there I really struggle.
Have talked with GP and counsellors; don’t want to use medication.
‘Self medication’? Yeah, drink too much of the wrong stuff when you’re feeling down; doesn’t work. Thank God I don’t take drugs.
There are times when I feel that if I can’t have a relationship with all of my children life isn’t worth living.
Two grandchildren – one of whom I see regularly; don’t see the other one at all.
As for relationships – I like women, in the nicest possible sense, but my ‘hinterland’ has prevented me from getting seriously involved.
I want to find a solution – or a way to live with this – so I can enjoy life again; I can’t see it happening.

don’t want to use medication.

Be interested to know why?

bit of a thread resurrection this, I didn’t realise at first but wanted to comment / add something

She told me a lot of people open up more easily as its more anonymous than face to face or Zoom type chat.

– and this is it. Or even more, there are counsellors that will even interact by chatroom style, which as a depressed introvert I found even better (if only I could type faster)

This is the outsourcer who provided it for me so not sure if available in your area, but STW is more than a linear resource and the info may be helpful to others if not you directly

https://www.iesohealth.com/en-gb

Hope it is going well.

Plus one for opening up – in the right therapy with the right person it’s surprisingly easy. Tissues are always on hand when the wave breaks.

Don’t worry about discussing thoughts of suicide either. For the 2-3 years I was dealing with GPs, therapists and counsellors, every session started with the same questionnaire which included “are you having thoughts of harming yourself, how likely are you to act on those thoughts”

You have to be quite far along the scale before they get as far as locking you up, and it will only happen if you really, really are at risk. Being honest early should help stop it getting that far.

To help wean yourself off consumerism check out YTs by this guy or read his book:

One of the more worthwhile books on the wellbeing agenda and he actually puts his money where his mouth is. Also check out flow theory by the wonderfully named Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Spiritually check out the Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping.

I found i spent money unnecessarily on things I barely used when I was down as a little boost. Then I’d regret it and beat myself up over it. Now I put a lot more thought into purchases (unemployed so little/no disposable income anyway).