Evening all.

First up, this is a new account; I however, am not. I frequent this site on a daily basis, but I’m not going to associate this issue with that account. I don’t want this finding it’s way back to my partner unexpectedly

I used to have a great, if not well paying job. I was still learning new skills, but I was a long way off being experienced. Nevertheless, I loved it, and actually enjoyed going to work. I gave that up to move locations with my partner. She needed to move, I was faced with either break up or move with her. I chose the latter, and I’m beginning to regret it.

I had told myself that I would spend my time learning new skills and then try and find work when I had a more complete skillset. I knew it was a risk as I’ve never been good at self-motivated activities, and true to form – I can’t get round to learning anything. In fact, the only thing I can be bothered to do is go out on a bike – which I can’t do when the weather’s bad, like it’s been here for the last few months.

It takes me a long time to make proper friends, and with moving to a new place, I only have platonic friendships here – so often I’ll spend the day in the house, seeing no-one, talk to no-one until she comes back from her career job, which to be honest, I don’t understand nor am interested in – so I end up sitting whilst she talks at me about her day.

The less I do, the less I want to do, so the house is a tip, there’s never any food in, and I spend the day slumped on the couch being a total waste of space, but worst of all, I can’t support her, either financially, or because I’m so miserable, emotionally or physically either. I can’t discuss things with her, because she’s decided I’m depressed, and despite the GP saying otherwise, she won’t accept that I’m just unhappy. She has decided I’m depressed and that’s that. Any discussion ends up with her bursting into tears and I can’t do that. So I put on the happy face and everything’s “fine”.

I’ve always been one just to bottle it up and deal with it in my own way. The method I used isn’t an option any more. Talking is not in my nature, which is probably why this has got to the stage of going anonymous and posting here. I know people here can be extremely supportive, despite all the day-to-day nonsense, so I guess I’m just looking for a bit of support and suggestions for how to get some life back in me…?

Very difficult for someone else looking in, not knowing all the facts, but I think you should think about going back to your old life/job if possible.

If you ain’t happy, and feel that you have been ‘forced’ on this life change, IMHO, you ain’t ever going to get happy, and you’ll always (consciously or subconsciously) hold it against her.

Why can you not get out and get a job immediately? You can work on your skills and improve your job while working surely?

It would do my head in not working and you are missing out on a lot of social intereaction by staying home alone all day

Move back home and get back in to your old job before it’s too late

often I’ll spend the day in the house, seeing no-one, talk to no-one until she comes back from her career job, which to be honest, I don’t understand nor am interested in – so I end up sitting whilst she talks at me about her day.

Bit selfish.

I used to have a great, if not well paying job.I gave that up to move locations with my partner. She needed to move, I was faced with either break up or move with her. I chose the latter, and I’m beginning to regret it.

So you knew what you were in for then.

Not much sympathy for you. Just leave her and go back. Next time think it through before you make such life changing decisions.

Next.

mate… if it’s just you and her.. no kids

BAAAAIIIIILL OOOOUUUT.. joyfully and with a spring in your step.. go home to where your heart is.. find a new lady to share your life with..

Merak – some rather nasty words from you there. Us mortals do not have a crystal ball telling us where our future lies.

OP – I’m sorry but I really don’t know what to say. Are you becoming resentful of your partner’s career?

You have made a huge sacrifice for your partner (props to you!) and it seems either she doesn’t appreciate it or doesn’t want to face up to the fact you are unhappy. This is a serious situation. Now, without knowing how long ago you made this move, I would suggest that the winter sh1tness may be exacerbating your problems and these may melt away come spring.

But the long and short of it is that you have left your friends, family, career for this person, and you are miserable.

Give it another 3 months. If you’re still not happy, move back. Do you want to look back on your life and regret staying where you are now?

In the meantime, you need something fresh to interest you. Something completely different, which will help motivate you. Get down the job centre, have a look around, just choose anything – ANYTHING – which will get you out of the house. A small amount of income is better than no income, and if you can do something which will expose you to new people and experiences, you’ll be prepared to earn a smaller crust if it helps you to settle into your new area.

Good luck.

cinnamon_girl – Member

Merak – some rather nasty words from you there. Us mortals do not have a crystal ball telling us where our future lies.

OP – I’m sorry but I really don’t know what to say. Are you becoming resentful of your partner’s career?

Not at all. I say it as I see it. This chap obviously had reservations prior to going through with the move and now realises its been a big mistake. I’m not devoid of empathy but trying to please someone else and cow towing to their career aspirations will only end like this, unless you wholeheartedly commit to it and above all else love them entirely.

I would suggest you are right CG resentment of his partners achievements whilst not being fully committed to making the situation work for both of them. I refer to my earlier point. He should have made his feeling s clear at the outset. On this occasion I have no sympathy as its a situation brought upon himself. Sorry if that’s harsh but its true.

Merak, I suppose he probably accepts that this is his own doing, but here he is asking for support and advice about what to do. Just saying “well, it’s all your own fault” isn’t really a solution to his problem.

I would say that teh fact you have posted this is a positive step forwards.

Where are you? I’m sure you can meet up with fellow mtb’ers from on here. Make new friends and begin to enjoy life again.

What tye of job are you looking for?

wallop – well said.

stuffing – when you say you moved are you saying that you left the UK?

One thing you don’t mention, and is critical – how’s your relationship?

If you’re totally into each other then the answer, as I’m sure you know, is MTFU. Talking about it here, admitting it, is the first step. Get a grip, do *something*, even if it’s an hour’s housework a day and then the other seven is bumming about, you’ve achieved something. Achieving something, anything, even small, is massively empowering. Trust me on this, I have some experience.

If the relationship is cobbled, then you need to get out. Write it off, go home.

Either way, coasting isn’t an option. You can coast for ever. Ten years from now, you’ll still be here, telling the same story only more bitter and actually clinically depressed.

I know how hard it is. But you need to make a call, right now, then act on it. Once you’ve made a decision one way or the other, hopefully we can help further.

For what it’s worth I can empathise. Chin up.

+1 for zedsdead Merak . “I know people here can be extremely supportive, despite all the day-to-day nonsense, so I guess I’m just looking for a bit of support and suggestions for how to get some life back in me…? ” just not from you eh. Nothing supportive shut up.

Hey. Thanks for the inputs – everyone. Yes I brought this on myself. Like I said, I could choose to break up, or move with her. I chose to move.

Yeah, I’m no longer in the UK, and unable get a job due to visa restrictions. I knew that before I packed up and left, but I had hoped to be able to spend the time doing more worthwhile things, like learning stuff. The move was originally for a year, which would have been fine, but is now looking like being open ended. I’d have to jump through a lot of hoops in order to get a job, and shell out a fair whack of cash for permits etc.

Bailing out and moving back isn’t really an option. Doubt she’d cope, and I do love her. Plus not having a house. It would kinda be admitting defeat, and I think would probably open up more problems than it would solve. We’ve been together 7 years. I guess I’m finding out that love on it’s own doesn’t make for a fulfilling life.

During the summer and autumn, I would get out and about lots; riding, building trails, volunteering. That just meant I wasn’t thinking about the long term, but it was always at the back of my mind. I’ve never been that driven to do anything; I’ve never had a burning desire to do a particular job or career. I’ve dabbled in a few different jobs, morphing one into another as the circumstances allowed, following what interested me short term. Great for having a job that made me happy to work it, but rubbish for having long-term goals. Now that I don’t have to do anything, I’m doing precisely that. Nothing.

I guess the answer is a hefty dose of MTFU and knuckle down and get on with things. I’ve told myself that plenty of times, had myself convinced. But after a few sessions with the tutorials, I just lose steam and drop it all again, because, I guess, my hearts not really in it (although it was when I was working). When we have been able to discuss things. She’s suggested giving it the year, by which time she hopes I’ll have worked out what I want to do. I’m not sure I’ll make it that far.

Just thinking my way through writing this out is helping to be honest.

sturmey – Member

+1 for zedsdead Merak . “I know people here can be extremely supportive, despite all the day-to-day nonsense, so I guess I’m just looking for a bit of support and suggestions for how to get some life back in me…? ” just not from you eh. Nothing supportive shut up.

Thats right chum. Not from me, you sanctimonious pilchard.

OP, all the best whatever you decide, I’m off to kick a kitten.

Just saying it as I see it. Glad posting up seems to be helping, small steps at a time.

you may not be able to start a job, but you could start a business. maybe online based. what was your last job? what might you enjoy doing? what are you good at? go for a 10 minute walk every morning before breakfast.

Merak, you’re a t w a t. Mods do as you wish, he deserves that.

I do have sympathy for you, stuffing. hard to call what to do though. It does sound like you re sinking a bit. Maybe start with the basics, the shopping, the cleaning. Defien a role for yourself, the slowly get an identity back, it might need to be a new one but you need a positive self image, good luck

To be fair,

The OP is a “frequent” visitor, (s)he would’ve expected (and perhaps banked on) straight talking when they posted.

The OP is looking for suggestions, he/she will not want their nose rubbing in their situation to make him/her feel even worse than they already are.

Those comments were completely out of order.

Fortunately some more enlightened posters have made sensible and constructive suggestions.

The less I do, the less I want to do

This is a horrible trap that I tend to find myself in.

But the opposite is also true. The more you get out ‘n about, the easier it becomes – at least for me.

I can’t really offer any advice on your job or relationship, but you probably need to concentrate on getting yourself in a good state of mind before you can fix any those issues. One step at a time, try ‘n find something that you like doing that’s easy, and do it more. This might be going for a walk, a run, taking in the scenery – fresh air is good for you 🙂

I’d say bike ride, but even I find that a faff sometimes 😉

The inertness you are experiencing is, IMO, depression. I think you know you have to do something other than give up your life to circumstances. Your self esteem is rock bottom.

I imagine she is very frightened of losing you, one way or another. She’s got a job and a place to live in her home country so she will cope. Will you cope?

What was it about your previous work you loved so much? So why can you not take that up again? Really, does not having a “house” to go home to really matter? Where are your family and you friends. They should be pleased to see you. Are you frightened that you would feel a failure? You gave it a shot and it didnt work out, really does your pride matter more than your happiness? No of course it doesn’t

The very best of luck to you mate. Find your way, what ever it is, whatever it takes.

CharlieMungus – Member

Merak, you’re a t w a t. Mods do as you wish, he deserves that.

I do have sympathy for you, stuffing. hard to call what to do though. It does sound like you re sinking a bit. Maybe start with the basics, the shopping, the cleaning. Defien a role for yourself, the slowly get an identity back, it might need to be a new one but you need a positive self image, good luck

Careful Barbara you’ll hurt my feelings. sycophant.

I’ve never been that driven to do anything; I’ve never had a burning desire to do a particular job or career.

Sounds like you need to join the rest of us in the disillusioned masses and get a job in IT :p
As for your situation, if you’re going to stick it out then you need to pay up for the permits etc. and get on with it.

Hello again.

First up – A big thanks to all the comments. As someone pointed out, I knew the response would be mixed, and that’s fine. Some things need to be said.

I guess in being overly vague, I’ve missed a few pertinent details. When I said ‘partner’ for vagueness, I meant wife. We’ve been married for 2 1/2 years, and there is no question that I’m staying with her. I’ve always deferred to her career; my skills are more applicable in the real world, there are only a limited number of cities in the world where she can work. And she’ll out-earn me at every stage now. I don’t resent her career at all, I supported her through her Masters and PhD – trouble is, I don’t really understand her subject nor have that much interest in it; I only care that she gets where she wants to go. Success by proxy I guess.

The problem is, I feel like I ought to be doing something. I’ve always tried to pay my own way, live within my means etc. Here, the money she is earning is sufficient for us both to live on, which on the face of it is great; wouldn’t we all like to be independently wealthy and get to ride every day (the weather allows)? So there is also the feeling of being an ungrateful so-and-so – I have a year to do whatever I want and I’m whinging about it? That feeling of ingratitude isn’t nice.

I was a sort of graphic designer. I say, sort of, because I did lots of little bits of work, some could be classed as IT, some of it proper design, some photography, some window design. It was great. Every part of it was different and a challenge. I was pretty good (if I suspend modesty) at it, and I could get enthusiastic about solving all the problems that cropped up. Set me work to do, such that I MUST do it, and I throw myself wholeheartedly in.

However, I am awful about doing stuff of my own back. For instance, I had envisioned sitting at home with my computer and learning wicked awesome new techniques and filling in the theoretical gaps in my knowledge (of which there are plenty). But when it comes down to it, I try and think of stuff to do/learn and just draw a blank. Or I wade in, attack something for a few days and then lose interest. My stresser here is, in time, I’ll have to return to the world of work. If I decide to stay in the design world, I’m going to have to account for the gap in my CV. Have something to show for my time off.

So, I know I have to make a decision. Either I can take a good dose of MTFU, get uncomfortable and move down the work option. Or I can coast along. If I can accept that it is ok to coast along until the situation requires otherwise, I think I could deal with it. It’s the gnawing feeling that I ought to be doing something that is the problem. I could get on with my day-to-day existence, achieving my small tasks for the day, until I get some burning desire to do something – which, based on my life so far – might never happen. Them, when I actually NEED to get a job I’ll probably struggle, and that scares me.

As I said in my second post, writing it down in a form that I know someone is reading it really helps. I’ve spend plenty of time writing about it privately, but that’s not helped. My first post, was, on reflection a little too tinged with emotion – no matter how many times I edited it to try and keep it constructive. Do I regret moving? Hmmmm. It dragged me out of my comfort zone and has forced me to think. Probably a good thing…

Have you considered contracting? Sounds ideal for your situation, no great loss when you’re ‘between contracts’ as you’ve still got enough money coming in, will give you some self worth and will get around that irksome gap in your CV.

In the meantime, the bathroom needs cleaning. Hop to it.

Why dont you do some voluntary work- this will give you some purpose and a social network at the same time

Good idea. My bathroom needs cleaning too.

voluntary work is a great idea

Have you considered further education?

I’m not sure how financially viable that would be, but e.g. you could perhaps take classes in design/IT/photography – something both interesting to you, and a skill relevant for the work you enjoy doing. Then you will likely have assignments/exercises to throw yourself into, and give you that external pressure to make you improve yourself?

Of course this is a half-way option – neither coasting or looking hard for work. But it could perhaps be a productive short term option?

I know this might sound harsh, but the more you post, the more I think you need to get a grip.

Your wife can (and I presume is willing to) support you. You want to stay with her (can we also presume she’s happy with her lot)? You state you aren’t depressed, so get off your arse, do some housework, do some voluntary work, ride your bike, do an Open University course, read a book, look at setting up an online design business, use CAD?, then use it, explore your surroundings, choose a direction, choose life.

It sounds like you are your problem, nothing else.

If you can’t work for visa reasons then see if you can help out somewhere – when I worked off-shore my boss had a similar situation. She was the main earner and boyfriend couldn’t work due to visa reasons. He helped out in a Motorbike garage (motorbikes were his thing) and took payment in bike parts.
They ended up taking a Triumph engine home on the plane as ‘hand luggage’.
Don’t think you can do that post 9/11 tho’ 😆

I can’t self motivate to learn – what you need is projects to work on. There are places on-line where you can pick up graphic design / website projects to work on (you could get paid into your uk account and potentially circumvent visa’s) and there are design competitions on line as well.
You could keep an eye on places like Smashing Magazine or a ListApart for things to pique your interest. I’m sure there are others sites with more of a design focus too.

Oh yeah and there’s a case of MTFU with the chores – get them done first then bum around.

Either that or you need a Gaming habit 😉

I’d echo the “get on with it” comments but make it positive, plan your days with things to do, stuff like that, to get yourself started.

i owuld suggest some volunteering. you might be able to help kids with some media projects? if that’s your thing.

try and see finding something to volunteer with as a challenge. you will soon be engrossed in it…

if you’re a graphic design type can you not pick up jobs on-line, like on Elance (sp?)…
Would have thought that nicely circumvents the visa issue (unofficially of course) 🙂

Alternatively thought about a course from the Open University? Motivationally that can be quite a challenge from what I gather (my sis is doing something P-grad similar currently whilst living in Thailand)

I’m an expat btw & can well appreciate some of the things you write though I am fortunate to be employed…

1) I’m sure there are plenty of jobs out there that can be done il/semi legally – waiting staff, cleaning etc. Might be “beneath” you, but will also get you out of the house and interacting with the rest of the world. Hell – do they need someone at the local bike shop? What about local crew/humping/roadieing at your local entertainment venue?

2) Voluntary/charity work.

3) If home learning is a non-starter through lack of motivation, pay up for courses at the local college/night school. At least that way, you have schduled lessons, and presumably homework, plus someone on your case when you’ve not done them.

4) Surely there must be some way to do your old job “freelance”, using the wonderful world wide web?

5)MTFU and get out on that bike. The days of horrendous rides in truly foul weather are the ones that put beautiful summer days into perspective.

During the summer and autumn I was volunteering. I’m involved with the local trailbuilding community and would go out a couple of times a month and plan, dig and clear trails. I was also volunteering at the trail workshop doing some odd-jobs, sign making and the like (closed during the winter). Due to the weather, trail work hasn’t occurred for the last few months. And as for getting out there, it’s not a case of not wanting to go out in the wintery weather – it’s a case of not being able to. I don’t have skis!

Visa wise. I am not going to work illegally or semi-legally. There is always a risk of getting caught and if that happened then it would remove too many options from my wife’s employment opportunities – and I would never forgive myself. I investigated working for a UK company in UK pounds to a UK account, but because I’d be actually IN this country it’s against the rules. I suspect the Elance option is out for the same reason(much as it looks like an awesome resource so a massive THANKS for that link, which I’ve saved for future use).

A work permit takes 3-6 months to be obtained, can only be applied for once we’re here, expires when the visa expires (in our case, 12 months), AND costs a fair whack of money. Oh, and it’s not guaranteed that you get one. So, when we arrived, I decided to not apply for one, due to not knowing how money would work out plus not knowing the availability of work.

Open University/courses – yup, investigated those before we left. I couldn’t find any course that I would love to do. And from experience, I need to love a subject before I’ll get motivated to do it properly.
I looked into short courses, but here, those equate to ‘introduction to ‘x”, and to be honest, I’m past that stage. They don’t do the UK 1 year style Masters here, otherwise I’d have considered that.

I think I’m going to leave it at this; accept that I’m going to take the rest of this year off, see where we are going to be after this year expires, and then if we’re still going to be here, apply for a work permit which hopefully should arrive for when the weather starts precluding riding, and then get work of some kind – easier said than done!

Thanks all – you’ve been a great help. 😀