[Closed] Little perspective please- relationship q.

Do you love her?

Then suck it up.

depends if you are a couple or a flat share with benefits?

Do you split other household/running costs?

Is there any difference in earnings?

Personally, if it was me I would pay it, but I earn more than mrs file so wouldn't see the point in her being poorer because (a) i wouldn't like that and (b) i'd end up paying for it one way or another anyway

Perhaps suggest she buys a more economical car? 😉

get a joint account.

Both pay in your combined 'living costs' (including cars, bills, food, insurance etc).

What's left in your account is yours.

Joint account for "fuel" and other expenses. (see, wwaswas is right )
Family member used to keep all his wages & expenses separate from his wife's. Doesn't work. (Although they are still together and we're not 🙂 )

If £1200/yr bothers you, get shot of her and spend the money on hookers.

Joint account for us - fuel for my mental commute just comes out of it.

Thanks for the replies.

1- we share all other bills 50/50
2- She earns about £1.5k more than me (really dosent bother me).
We both have similar costs- shes paying the same on her car as I am for my MSc fees.

Probably should just pay.

After 7 years and now living together I assumed money would have stopped being 'yours' and 'hers' anyway?

we just take all petrol out of our joint account, most of the travel is me but its a living expense for both of you.

I suggest you get a joint account and both put in a balanced amount so that you are both left with the same amount at the end of the month.

I pay £1300 in wife pays £900 - that covers all our expenses and we are left with the same 'spending/saving' money each

I would say your attitude is a touch childish but depends on the balance of pay/jobs

Buy her a bike.

It's not completely unreasonable, I know a few couple who do it this way and if you had a joint bank account it's how it would work anyway. It's pooling your finances which despite me bring married me and Mrs lunge still don't do, whether you're comfortable with that is your call and not mine!

Sounds cheap not to have to commute by car yourself. I'd rather pay that than move further away and have to commute by car.....

Eh? I'm married and we both commute by car, I have a fuel card my wife pays for her own fuel, she's decided to do that job so she covers the costs. If you're going all out split down the middle then fine, that's one thing but to cherry pick costs to be 'shared' is a p!ss take. If you said 'well get another job then' you'd get pretty short shrift I imagine.

Okay, cheers everyone.
Spoke to my brother who seemed horrified that I should pay it which got me thinking.

I'll just pay.

Negotiation is the way forward. She wants you to pay her fuel. Is there ANYTHING you'd like her to do?

After 7 years and now living together I assumed money would have stopped being 'yours' and 'hers' anyway?

A very valid point

When mrs xiphon and I moved in together, a joint account (for household/fuel/etc) seemed a sensible and easy choice.

I was working, she was still a student.... so I contributed 90% of the 'shared' account.

[i]I'll just pay.[/i]

That's the spirit!

Let it become a mantra as your lives together progress.

1- we share all other bills 50/50
2- She earns about £1.5k more than me (really dosent bother me).

That’s £1200/yr for her to go work.

If you want to avoid paying for the fuel, there's a basis for your argument in there.... 😉

1. I'm worried they give Masters to people who don't know the difference between 'claws' and 'clause'. I hope you never meet a bear.

2. It's only money. Get a joint account and forget about it.

RM.

Hmmm, I think it's a bit odd tbh.

Either have a joint account and buy the fuel with that, or don't.

If you'd got a new job somewhere and told her she had to move then I could kind of understand her saying "okay, but you can pay the extra". But she agreed to live there, she was happy (enough) with the commute and then decided 6 months later, (once you were lucky enough to get a job nearer than hers) that because you choose to ride to work you owe her money... 😕

Or you can start arguing that she uses more gas and electricity than you when she's got the central heating/hairdryer/straightners etc on so she owes you £50/week. 😉

I have exactly the same with my wife. petrol costs are circa 120 quid a month for her to go to work, I cycle into my office.

it comes out of the joint account,. so I pay half. suck it up...

I'll just pay.

That's the spirit!

Let it become a mantra as your lives together progress.

*sigh* "Yes dear"

😆

Either go 50/50 on bills.

Or pay a certain percentage out of your wages into the joint account to cover bills and expense.

So if you can cover expenses with %20 of each of your wages, then thats what you pay. You then each have %80 for yourself. Adjust to suite your circumtances/ lifestyle.

johndoh - Member
After 7 years and now living together I assumed money would have stopped being 'yours' and 'hers' anyway?

Mrs Clubber and I had separate accounts as well as a joint account for 10+ years before we properly went to shared money and even now we both have a fixed amount transferred to our own accounts to budget for ourselves. Worked/works fine for us, it was only when she went on maternity leave that we changed. Up until then we paid into the join account to cover the main bills and shared things but in rough proportion to what we earned.

To the OP, it really depends. If you're really a couple and sharing things (and maybe if you see a long term future) then splitting her fuel costs doesn't seem unreasonable though equally, you could claim for any communting costs (tyres, brake pads, food!) just as reasonably.

[i]Okay, cheers everyone.
...
I'll just pay.[/i]

The thread will continue though!

just wait til you have kids...

It works like this, everything you earn is hers. Everything she earns is hers.

You might as well get used to it. It won't be long until she gives up work so she can spend more time at the country club.

buy her a bike?

I'd order a new £2400 bike and get her to stump up half 😀

As said, joint account

of course it then becomes an inevetable debate whether car insurance and maintenance costs should also come out of the joint account...

However, the counter point to that would legitimately mean that bike expenses come out of the joint account too 😀

*Caution, this line of argument will inevitably lead to you becoming single after buying a new frame/forks from joint money!

I have exactly the same with my wife.

Still, when I set my business up nearly 10 years ago (and before we were married) she supported me through the first 6 months or so of earning next to nothing.

The thing is I commute by bike to save money. I could easily drive a motorbike to work everyday for the £1200 cost, (Edit:)or even a car.

I think a joint account is a fantastic idea actually. I'll mention that over dinner.

When I was with my ex I paid everything because it's a man's job. I did not take a penny from her.

Men pay. Women pleasure ...

🙄

Okay, ask yourself this. If the situation was reversed would you ask her to pay you £100/month?

Suggest that you start driving to work also, and you expect her to pay half of the costs towards a second car.

It seems odd to me that after seven years you've not established some sort of financial ground rules. I've been with my partner for a similar length of time and I can't even begin to imagine having that sort of conversation (though granted we have lived together for most of that time). Money is ostensibly "ours" and we'll gauge who pays for things by whoever has the most left at the end of the month. There's been times where I've been the sole breadwinner and times where she was earning nearly double my salary, give and take is part of being in a relationship.

I've got friends who are polar opposites from us; a mate told me the other day that his wife had just spent £40 on a pair of shoes, which was great because it meant he could go buy himself a Playstation game. To me that's madness, if either my partner or I had been shopping, the other would try and spend less to compensate.

Point is, neither way is inherently wrong, it's just the way we've agreed to do things. It looks like you're going to have to decide between you how things are going to work. A good compromise might be for you both to contribute a percentage of your earnings into a pot and then use that pot for joint household expenses. If you decide that commuting costs are to be included then you're golden whenever you need parts for your bike.

Incidentally, who was paying for your upkeep whilst she was working and you were still a povvy schtewdent? Is she seeing this as payback for having carried you for six months?

[i] We only started living together last year due to being at different universitys. We lived together when I did my Msc and she finished her final year.[/i]

Universities.

Give her the cash, it's £3.50 a day for peace and quiet. Money well spent IMHO.

1- we share all other bills 50/50
2- She earns about £1.5k more than me (really dosent bother me).

Given this info, then all she is asking is that you both contribute another £100 into the joint account. But for complete fairness suggest titusrider's approach, where you put enough in the joint account to cover all of the bills so that you both have the same 'spending' money left in your own accounts.

I know couples who still split all costs evenly, split payments for holidays and everything, even though one earns a lot less than the other. I prefer to not worry about it and we have complete access to one another's accounts and savings, all decisions are made jointly, etc, but it's not for everyone. But we have a mortgage together, a joint car and we have gone through periods where one of us isn't earning for a few months, so this approach is easiest for us.

It really is up to you!

Regarding commuting, we had 5 years where we worked in cities 35 miles apart. I preferred to live in one city and commute to the other (I was the commuter) because it enabled us to have a social life in one city at least! If we have lived half way between, we wouldn't have socialised with colleagues from either mine or my partner's work and life wouldn't have been as good (i.e. Friday night drinks aren't as enticing when both of you are driving, and you are less likely to want to meet up with her colleagues and visa versa because you are in different cities). IME.

If this is the main problem you have going on in your life mate, then you are doing well. 🙂

I paid for myself with a Career Development Loan. I've never relied on her financially.

We have had a long distance relationship until last year, with neither of us sharing costs until then as we didn't live together. We only shared holidays, etc. We both had (student) loans. I think it's me just getting used to everything being shared.

Also, English is my second language so thanks for the pointers.

Sounds a bit odd, expecially if she's earning 1.5k more than you per year.

I think it's me just getting used to everything being shared.

That's what it sounds like from here, too 🙂

Although that said I don't have a shared account with my wife, I pay the mortgage+utilities+phone, she pays the school fees+food. Seems to work out...

I think it's odd. My husband doesn't pay for me to drive to work.

Sorry.

Does she pay for half of your bike?

rogermoore - Member
1. I'm worried they give Masters to people who don't know the difference between 'claws' and 'clause'. I hope you never meet a bear.

Also, English is my second language so thanks for the pointers.

I'm sat here with a big smile on my face as a result of someone with (almost) perfect english as a second language and an MSc handing rodgermoore his arse 🙂

I think it's a bot off tbh. As said above, if the situation was reversed would you even ask..?? We have a joint account (now entirely funded by me), but there was a "working" value put in evenly every month for the house to run, this didn't include motoring expenses and was seen as fair by both parties, especially as my fuel bill was exponentially higher.. Also has been insisted, "claim" for a new bike for your commuting purposes..

A shared account could be good.

We've got a Santander 123 one so we get cashback on petrol, supermarket shopping and utility bills. That's pretty much all we put on it. (+ rent and joint holidays).

We earn about the same so we both put the same in each month. Whatever's left of my wages is mine to do what I want with.

As for the "men pay, women pleasure"...
😯

Those commenting on her paying for half my bike.
Her response to me asking that is that it would be equivalent to me paying half her car. Seems fair to me.

Edit: No I wouldn't ask her to, as I'm earning £1.5k more, which would cover the cost.

TBF, it sounds like it could get out of hand here - you have clearly been discussing this for a while and the 'tit-for-tat's' are evident.

Joint account is the way forward. Both pay in - both take out. Then you get a share of her £1.5k additional salary and pay towards her fuel.

Must admit a bit bemused as Mrs JAMJ was a mature student with a small bursary (c£6k) when we met - I had a reasonably well paying job (£35k). All money went into joint pot and we shared. Only for one short period in our life together has Mrs JAMJ earned more than 50% of my salary - yet we share our costs and any money left over.

My money is her money and vice versa. In fact I don't earn for myself I earn for the family as does she.

'tit-for-tat's'

OK, I know some women like men with tattoos but still...

Even though they have been together for 7 years, it's been a long distance relationship.
We all know, that when you move in with the other half, life changes.
They are coming across normal relationship challenges.
I live in China.
Here it's normal to give the wife everything you have.
That way, she knows your going to be faithful (because you don't have anything left)

Let's get to the real problems here! I'm really worried that we have a person masquerading as a former James Bond actor on this forum...

Those with joint accounts- how does this work?
Do you both pay your salary into the same account?

I think personal costs and household costs are very different. Her commuting expense is her personal expense, not a joint expense at all. My and my good lady put the same amount into a joint account that covers mortgage, food, utilities etc, but we pay for our respective personal expenses separately (generally). We've lived together nearly 10 years and have kids.

That said, she uses my car pretty much every day and I bike commute 90% of the time - so I do in effect pay for her to commute to work! But she buys more stuff for the house than I do, so swings/roundabouts.

My money is her money and vice versa. In fact I don't earn for myself I earn for the family as does she.

I find it really hard to do that, I must just be a reet tight bastard. 🙂

Both our salaries get paid into one account which covers all joint expenses (petrol, mortgage, shopping, going out (together), holidays, etc.

We then get X amount each each month transferred to our own accounts to spend on bikes, shoes, lunch, whatever.

Personally paid into personal account and scheduled regular payment to joint account.

Works the other way around too

Do you both pay your salary into the same account?

The £100 we keep is for ourselves/presents etc but of course we can use the joint account or credit cards too.

I pay the bills, mrs rocket pays for the luxuries it's never been any different.

In terms of commuting the way I look at it is I pay for the fuel she uses so she can earn the money that pays for our holidays. Have never had a joint account

bails - Member

A shared account could be good.

We've got a Santander 123 one so we get cashback on petrol, supermarket shopping and utility bills. That's pretty much all we put on it. (+ rent and joint holidays).

We earn about the same so we both put the same in each month. Whatever's left of my wages is mine to do what I want with.

As for the "men pay, women pleasure"...

I simply paid everything as I didn't want to have headache over money issue between us. Besides, I was earning more than her in those days so I could afford to do so.

Contribute... you are not losing out and she is winning ... because you'll see it back

She not going to squirrel away that 1200 quid and kept it for herself... is she?

She'll buy some new clobber, maybe get her hair cut more... so she looks more pretty for you 🙂 ... and she'll probably pay for meals out the cinema more often...

TOGETHER you'll both have the same amount of money.

Do you share the car at other times, or is it [i]her[/i] car? Who pays for fuel if you go out together?

I think it's odd. My husband doesn't pay for me to drive to work.

I thought it was odd too. I've driven my OH to work - hell, she doesn't drive so I drive every time when we go out - and I've never even considered going "that'll be £30 please, love." That just feels... weird.

Hypothetically, whether I'm giving her a lift and thus paying wholly for it, or whether I'm working from home and she's spending a fortune on commuting, neither of us would go cap in hand to the other unless we were stuck. It's just the way finance has worked out for us.

Anyway. If you're going to act as individuals financially, then the commuting costs are individual also. I can't see any sensible logic that would dictate you should be paying half of the money for her to get to work irrespective of the fact you earn nominally more than she does.

If OTOH you're going to act as a couple then you both contribute to a central pot and decide between you whether travel costs come out of that or not. As you're earning more than her, you should of course contribute more proportionally; as it stands you seem to be arguing that extra you earn should be split equally between you, which is trousers. Back of an envelope calculation, say you're earning 20k (/21.5k) and decide to pool £400 each, she'd pay £400 and you'd be paying proportionally £415 (I think.) That seems a lot fairer and more sensible to me than "hey, here's a bunch of money."

As for the "men pay, women pleasure"...

Trolls troll.

In most grown up relationships, no one person should be financially better off or worse off than the other. A potential argument about fuel costs should be knocked on the head very quickly. Joint account with regular outgoings with proportionate contributions from both is the easiest way to do this. Otherwise you risk over complicating it. How much would you pay her in fuel costs if she is off work for 2 weeks.....

Wait.

She earns about £1.5k more than me (really dosent bother me).

No I wouldn't ask her to, as I'm earning £1.5k more, which would cover the cost.

Which is it?

Are you making this up?

I suspect this discussion in their relationship is more about her not liking spending two hours a day driving whilst he's seen to be swanning off on his bike (which he likes riding anyway) and going just down the road to work.

The money is the focus, not the cause.

I think it's me just getting used to everything being shared.

Don't forget, it's [i]both [/i]of you having to get used to this.

Thanks for peoples perspectives. Interesting to hear how others do things.

I think I'll discuss having a joint account.
Then everything we earn goes into the one account and then whatevers left at the end of the month is halved between us (savings, fun).
Sound sensible?

Cougar- she is the one earning more. I was just answering a question of 'what if I was in her shoes'

But she's earning the extra 1.5K. So she should proportionally be paying more, if that's the way they choose to do it.

I think my post at the top of this page sums it up - if the tables were turned would he ask her to do the same?

Would any of the people who have contributed to this thread or their partners ask the same? I doubt it. It's a bit odd. If it doesn't sit comfortably with you OP then there's something not right about it.

Cougar I think he meant if the tables were turned he'd be the one earning more

Cougar- she is the one earning more. I was just answering a question of 'what if I was in her shoes'

Aaaah, I see. Apologies. You'll need to turn the logic round in my previous post, then. (-:

If it doesn't sit comfortably with you OP then there's something not right about it.

TBH, if you have to come and ask the forum, there's something not right about it.

Very fiery relationship, not going to lie. Makes it more fun though (mostly).

A Russian and a German..

joint account with both putting the same set amount in is what me and my g/f did when we moved in together. even though she dragged me from south Yorkshire to London. that paid the rent and living costs, we each had our own money to go out with, paid out own commuting costs. even now we have a house and are married it's kinda the same although i put more in as i earn more and she has to buy yearly tube ticket that is 2k or something. i drive to my work and pay the fuel but it's only short (i cycle in summer but don't want to down a laptop in winter) everyones happy and we also have a holiday fund by both paying more into the join account then we spend.

I think I'll discuss having a joint account.
Then everything we earn goes into the one account and then whatevers left at the end of the month is halved between us (savings, fun).
Sound sensible?

A fixed amount might be a better idea. Then anything that doesn't get spent stays there for savings / emergencies. You'll be glad of a slush fund when the roof caves in.

Bear in mind also that there are legal implications if you have a joint account. Eg, I believe if one of you runs into financial difficulty (even accidentally, a missed payment or some such) it impacts both of you. I'd look into exactly what the implications are before signing anything.

In our household, the bills all come out of my account and leisure expenses come out of my OHs, along with funds towards a house deposit. Originally she paid me "housekeeping" so I could be Man and pay for everything, but I'm quite happy these days to pay for the electric if it means that later on in the year I get taken to Orlando for free. If either of us were paying disproportionately, it'd be reflected in our bank balances.

second the don't go for an all in one shared account, what if the relationship fails? what if one person decides to spend 2k on a watch form it. and if you do go for a joint account then it does link you so credit scores and such can be affected, although you can write to the credit agencies and ask to be disassociated from someone if they are negatively impacting you.

We only had a joint account (actually joint everything), everything went into it, and everything came out of it - served us well for 27 years.

Ask for £750 / year from her too (to balance up your salary levels) 🙂

Does seem odd IMO, you both chose the location and she chose her job with that location known.

We didn't go for any joint account/card/mortgage-related stuff until we got married. So now she can legally shaft me for everything I have and there's chuff all I can do about it! 😀

Luckily I'm more than happy to share everything with her, or I wouldn't have got married in the first place.

Point is, neither way is inherently wrong, it's just the way we've agreed to do things

This.

I dont know what you are grumbling about....I pay for all the fuel in both cars and her fags at £70 a month!!