as title,lets see the comic's amongst you?

awful…

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went left at the end of the road and turned into a field.

(tumbleweed rolls by)

On visiting the local Gp surgery, on leaving went to wash my hands,and the hand soap dispenser was empty,so just used water,then the hot air dryer was not working,so went out and said to the receptionist,the soap dispenser and hot air dryer are not working, Just like the rest of Hull,not working i said.

In Hull why do all the childrens playgrounds,and play pens have bars around them.

Answer, so when the kids reach 16 theyre used to being behind bars.

Patrick Swayze's family are said to be devastated……… only cos they had ordered Keith Floyd to do the funeral buffet 😆

Whats slightly overweight, middle aged, drives an audi, and has an opinion about everything.

Answer, A Singletrack forum reader.

At their birth of their new baby son, following all the usual checks are made by the doctor and midwife, the new parents are informed that their child is perfect and healthy in every way. Although for some reason it seems the baby is German.

The parents are taken aback a little, and explain how they are not german, or of german decent. They've never been to germany, and don't even think they've ever actually met anyone german. But the doctor has to assure them that while it really us quite unusual, there is nothing actually wrong with the child, or with being german. It'll be fine

Months and years pass and the child is obviously healthy and delightful, but the parents begin to worry that the child is a bit late in developing speech. At first it seems that maybe he's a late developer, but as time passes numerous tests are carried out and there is no physiological reason for the child not to speak. But the child doesn't speak.

In time the parents become resigned to the german child's mute, but otherwise happy existence.

Years pass and on the child's 16th birthday his mother brings him a bowl of soup while he silently watches television. As she return's to the kitchen the german teenager calls after her

"Mother, this soup is tepid"

His mother is totally taken aback.

"Son, you can speak. all this time we've been so worried, why have you waited til today to say anything to us? To anyone?"

Her son replies

"Up until now everything has been satisfactory"

MAS at the German baby joke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfK0jUycNR0

Why did the nivea cream?

Cos Max Factor…

(coat's on and I'm halfway out the door)

Crispy bacon ..do you really think that is funny ? if so IMHO you should go back to school and wait until your testis drop and brain moves out of childhood.

hm…mixed ideas of what constitutes rough "humour"..

agreed ..total Cr*p so far

My favorite joke of Clement Freud's goes:

An old woman in a care home gets talking to an old guy. He says – "Guess how old I am".

The old woman unzips his pants, delves her hand in and has a really good rummage around then says "You're 92"

He says "That amazing, how did you work that out?"

And she says "You told me yesterday"

truely awful….

Your bad day isn't getting any better is it.

What's the best cheese to hide a horse?
Mascarpone.

Whats Green and eats nuts?
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Syphillis

I'll get me coat 🙂

Don't you just hate people who ask for help in desparation, and then moan about the quality of help you give them?

😉

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

Barman turns to them and says "is this some sort of fuc*ing joke?"

Coats already on (I'm off to the pub with Paddy and Jock…..)

getting better

A horse walks onto a bar and the barman says "Why the long face"

And the horse says "How dare you, I've come here to spend my hard earned money and before I can even open my mouth you dive in with some cruel dig at my personal appearance"

The barman says, "Sorry, its force of habit, I was reading the joke above and, you know, sort of got carried away. I can't apologise enough. Lets say we start over again"

So the horse walks out, and comes back in again and the barman says "Why the lon…. erm. Good evening and welcome to our fine establishment, my name's Biker Bruce and I'll be your barman and host for the evening, may I ask who you might be?"

And the horse says "I'm Sarah Jessica Parker"

Starving rat runs into a farm house and starts to look around. He hears a splish splash, splish splash and goes off to find out what it is. He creeps into a bedroom and hears the noise coming from a chamber pot, he peers over and sees a mouse floating on a matchbox with a cocktail brolly at the end and a thimble of drink. The rat ask the mouse is their any food in the house, the mouse says there's plenty in the kitchen cupboards. The rat ask is there any traps, No of course not. So the rat runs down stairs and SNAP SNAP as the traps go off. The rat goes back up stairs his ear all ragged and the tip of his tail missing. I thought you said their was no traps said the rat. Oh don't pay no attention to me said the mouse i've been on the piss all day.

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

a penguin goes into a bar, says to the barman, "has my brother been in tonight?"
barman," what does he look like?"

I thankyou!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what sort of bees give you milk?

boobies!

I like it anyway 🙂

A man walks into a bar and the peanuts say "Oh, you look delightful". Then the fruit machine says "I don't think much of his hair".

The barman comes over and says "sorry about that the peanuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order."

a man walks into a bar with a crocodile. the barman says get that out of here. the croc owner says ..no it's harmless ..watch this.
he then unzips his trousers , drops his pants and places his willy in the crocs mouths. He then picks up an ashtray and smashes it on the crocs head.
the croc stays still.
the barman says ok but i'm not convinced .
the owner says ok .."anyone else like a go"??
immediately a fruity looking guy runs from across the room and says..
"i'd love a go ..but i don't want to get hit over the head with an ashtray"……boom boom

Man takes his sick wife to the doctors, who do some tests.

Doctor – "We're not sure what's wrong with your wife, but we've narrowed it down to either Alzheimers or Aids"

Man – "Well what should I do?"

Doctor – "Drive her into town. If she finds her way home. Don't shag her"

knock knock

who's there

control freak, now you say control freak who

LoL at silverpigeon

man walks into a bar with a bright pink flamingo on his shoulder and a small black cat trailing along behind him. they sit themselves at the bar and the barman comes over
"what can i get you gentlemen?"
"Oh i'll have a G&T. what do you want flamingo?"
"malibu & coke"
"-and you pussy cat?"
"i'll have a scotch, but i'm not paying. not my idea to come here so i'm not paying"
"no problem, pussy cat. i'll pay"

so the barman comes back with their drinks. the man hands him a £20 note and says "keep the change, guv"

"mighty kind of you, sir. thank you"

they all finish their drinks and the barman comes over

"jd and coke for me please. flamingo?"
"encore le malibu et coke"
"-and you pussy cat?"
"i'll have another scotch, but i'm not paying. wasn't my idea to come here"
"ok. don't worry. i've got it covered"

barman pulls their drinks and the man places a £20 in his hand.

"keep the change"

so this goes on all night; the pussy cat complaining, the man giving £20's and not wanting the change back, untill the barman wants to lock up.

"'kay gents, last orders"
"vodka and tonic for me please barman. you flamingo?"
"encoré bella malibu e cola"
"- and you pussy cat?"
"another scotch, but i'm not paying. bloody price of the drinks. can't expect me to pay!"
"okay barman, vodka and tonic, malibu and coke and a scotch, please"

barman sets their drinks on the bar and the man sticks yet another £20 note in his hand

"keep the change"
"now wait a minute" says the barman "you've been giving me £20's all night. i'm taking more in change than it's costing me to pour the drinks. how'd you manage it?"

"well" says the man " i was a pissed off a few days ago and went for a walk along the beach. kicking the odd stone or washed up jetsome when i kicked this teapot. suddenly WHOOSH. out comes this bloody great genie"

"wow. then what?"

"he granted me three wishes"

"what'd ya ask for?" asks the barman full of excitement and intrigue

"firstly i asked for good health"

"and?"

"never felt better. then i asked that each time i put my hand in my pocket i'd pull out a £20 note"

"wow. that's a brilliant idea! what was your last wish?"

"yeah" says the man, " i don't think the genie was from around here"

"why's that? what'd ya ask for"

"a tall exotic bird with a tight pussy"

I had a w@nk over an ex-girlfriend last night. I know I shouldnt but she's a heavy sleeper and I've still got a key.

Do you think its too early to ask whoopie goldberg if patricks been in touch?

skyliner…. that's good!

Similar to the joke about the embarrassment of being caught **** by your mum (ie. not expecting her to wake up)

why do cave men drag their women around by the hair?

Because if they dragged them by the feet, they'd fill up with mud.

wow alpins is winning…

Two dwarves win the lottery. They decide to go to Amstterdam to spend some of their winnings. After an extremely heavy night on the sauce and smokes they decided to visit the red light district.

After each selecting a lady of the night, they return to the hotel with their new companions, say goodnight and dissappear off into their seperate rooms.
The first dwarf is really wasted, and the hooker tries everything she can think of to get him aroused. After several hours of trying she gives up and leaves and the dwarf starts to drift off to sleep. Just as he is drifting off he hears noise coming from his mates room next door.
"1..2..3..ooof." "1..2..3..OOOFF" "1…2…3….OOOf"

Bloody hell he thinks covering his head with a pillow, at least someone is having a good time.

In the morning the dwarves meet up for a very late, hungover breakfast.

"Good night?" asks the second dwarf.

"Not really" replies the first dwarf, "Blimmin embarassing really, i couldn't get it up at all."

"Thats nothing," replied the second dwarf "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

IGMC

The 7 Dwarves wake up with a hangover, especially Dopey. It was a wild night, Dopey's really not sure what he got up to, he can hardly remember beyond small details….

"I can't believe it", says Happy, "We've got to go and check…"

They get to the first convent in town and rap on the door…
"Hello, Mother Superior. Could you please tell us, do you have any midget nuns?
"No, to be sure we do not"

To the second convent…
"Hello, Mother Superior. Could you please tell us, do you have any midget nuns?
"No, to be sure we do not"

To the third and final convent in town
"Hello, Mother Superior. Could you please tell us, do you have any midget nuns?
"No, to be sure we do not"

Six of the seven dwarves turn to Dopey, pointing and laughing….

"Dopey f***ed a penguin! Dopey f***ed a penguin!"