Every year my wife’s uncle buys us some potpourri at Christmas (amongst other things I hasten to add, last year it was gin and latex gloves). We have been married for 7 years. We have 7 industrial size bags of potpourri.

Unfortunately we don’t like potpourri because a) it stinks, b) the kids will mess with it and c) it stinks – a fact worth mentioning twice.

The wife’s uncle has established some sort of link between potpourri and Christmas and I fear telling him that we don’t like it may shatter his illusions. He’s a lovely guy and I’d hate to see him upset. I’d also hate to jeopardise the supply of gin and latex gloves.

I don’t think he is actually spending any money on the stuff as all the bags from across the years are identical and all show evidence of trauma (slight rips in the packaging, damage to the cardboard outer, spots of security guard’s blood etc). I’m convinced that he got hold of a contraband shipment of it a few years ago and is in possession of an enormous stash of evil smelling pine cones, bits of gold and purple painted wood shavings and those weird seed heads things that look like the business end of a multi barrelled Gatling gun.

I too now have an enormous stash of the bloody stuff and it is taking over my under stairs bike kit and Scalextric cupboard, in much the same way that Tribbles once took over the Starship Enterprise. Every time I open the door a bag falls out, my helmet smells like it has been dipped in cheap aftershave and my Scalextric has the whiff of a tart’s en suite.

Do I tell him or do I keep my mouth shut and find an inventive use for it?

I await the sage advice of the STW hive mind.

Fig 1. Tribbles

Fig 2. Latex gloves

Fig 3. Multi barrelled Gatling gun – business end of.

Maybe he’s trying to be subtle…

Does your house stink?

Yes. Of potpourri.

I’ll provide you with some suggestions if you show me a Gatling gun that isn’t multi-barrelled.

I appreciate this might be a radical suggestion, but have you considered throwing it out?

my helmet smells like it has been dipped in cheap aftershave

*childish giggles*

you give of to much sexy man musk and it turns him on

he wants to get you smeliing nicely, get you drunkl and welll I will et your imagination work out what the gloves are for

Good luck

Ps I will make your bin smell nicely for a few days till they collect it

Well his presents suggest he likes potporri. Also he doesnt seem to mind giving slightly damaged presents so he should nt mind getting slightly damaged used presents. I would suggest he might be wanting some potpurri for christmas.

I’d go for 1 bag this, year 2 bags next and 3 three the following. Hopefully he will still give you one bag each year.

After a few years you will only need to store 1 bag of potpurri a year.

Does it burn?

Incidentally,

What sort of pastime is your uncle thinking you’ll be undertaking with a bag of potpourri, a bottle of gin and some latex gloves? Some sort of kinky enema experience?

You should write a thank-you note. “Dear uncle. Thank you for the gifts of the potpourri, gin and gloves. The OH and I had a fantastic night with them! As an unexpected side effect, my farts this morning have never smelt so good. Love and kisses, Harry.”

Stick it on ebay…women throughout the modern world are obsessed with this ‘crafting’ nonsense. I’m sure someone would buy it and start making little smelly bundles of joy for their family and friends.

Car boot it

for the record, I don’t care, but I’d just like to congratulate you on making a really dull topic seem slightly less dull. I think it was the picture glossary in your post that made me think about smiling a tiny bit.

Perhaps PP is a very effective cat deterrent. Broascast sow it around your garden and let us know the results.

A former colleague of mine once performed a pot pourri related faux pas on sleeping at his new girlfriend’s parent’s house for the first time. After too much Stella and shiraz, he did the somnamicturion* thing and did an early-hours big piss in a huge bowl of pot pourri.

* I made that word up.

Return the favour by giving the guilty party a bottle of Sex Panther in return every Christmas.

The Pot Pourri buying fool will be too busy fending chicks off with a stick to worry about buying you Christmas presents next year.

Give him a gift of an extra large bag of aging:

this Christmas.

= 2 birds, one stone.

early-hours big piss in a huge bowl of pot pourri

Did anyone notice?

I think it’s a secret family ritual passed down uncle to nephew/niece. Just think you’ll have a lifetimes supply when your time comes to continue the tradition…

That’s the problem with anyone buying you the same present more than once, as each year passes it becomes more and more difficult to say you don’t like said item. Some friends of my folk buy them theatre tokens every year. To quite a significant value. The trouble is n (edit- presses send somehow ) ot every theatre accepts them and using ever greater values of them becomes more and more of a trial. Last year my folks had to book a hotel near a theatre that accepts them and watch plays day and night for three days to use them up.

Save it all up, then dump it all on and around one corner of the HtN course, to make the race a multi-sensory experience

twinklydave is correct

save it all up and we’ll give it away as a HTN prize.

Have you thought of utlising the PP for its intended purpose? Seems daft not too really. But if its aroma offends your delicate pallette then why not soak it in something altogether more becoming? Maybe use it to make a powerful statement about your own masculinity. So……

Does it burn?

That was my first thought

Not bad binners. But no cigar.

Not bad binners. But no cigar.

maybe you could make cigars out of it.
ladies cigars, for real ladies.

Cigars, you say?

Don’t tell him. If he stops giving you the Pot Pourri he’ll start giving you the only thing worse than Pot Pourri…. scented candles.

My Dad loves to recount the tale of eating some pot pourri at a dimly lit party. He thought it was nibbles.

*heads to boots to find the Blue Stratos aisle (Hai Karate may have to do as a substitute).

who needs cigars?

potpourri is nothing compared to these evil b&*stard f****ing things!!!!

ive actually stamped on one in anger…

Have the smelliest fire ever?

Do you bring out a token bowl of the stuff when he visits?

Monkey boy –

It’s like an episode of spooks trying to get away from a bomb counting down, when I see this thing with it’s timer close to zero in the bogs….

Some of my stash.

?

Don’t tell him. If he stops giving you the Pot Pourri he’ll start giving you the only thing worse than Pot Pourri…. scented candles.

Well at least they burn…

I would burn the pot pourri – maybe it will burn with a coloured flame?

Or I would go out in the night and place a bag on random peoples door steps, so they get a nice gift in the morning – a bag of pot pouri.

your mats are worryingly neat and symmetrical.

Cool aren’t they?

They are slate. One end could be a million years older than the other*.

*I made that up.

My Dad loves to recount the tale of eating some pot pourri at a dimly lit party. He thought it was nibbles.

Lol.

All you men have no taste, I like the stuff and keep a ready supply for visitors, so the house doesn’t smell of man musk (or other).
Oh btw your uncle is trying to tell you something.