Unfortunately my wife of 2 years decided to run off with one of her work colleagues about 6 weeks ago.

We bought a house together just over 12 months ago and are joint tennants on the mortgage.

My wife put most of the deposit into the house with a further amount coming as a “gift” from her parents.

As far as i’m concerned the equity (after solictors fees, early repayment charge etc.) is to be split 50/50, however she is saying that as she put the majority of the deposit in, it should be split 2/3 to her 1/3 to me.

Am I being unreasonable to stick to my guns and go for an equal 50/50 split?

Trying not to let emotion cloud my judgement, but it was her choice to walk away.

Sounds about right as a business transaction, what you could suggest is a 2:1 split with the costs coming from her side as the person leaving/at fault.

That is a genuinely shit situation to be in!

I think it’s rare for reasonableness and divorces to go hand in hand….

No idea what the precedents are for this situation….

Obvious answer is get legal advice, however to weigh up just how much the difference is between 50:50 and 66:33 and whether it represents much in comparison with £5-10k of legal fees.

IANAL but AIUI if there has been disproportionate contributions to the house costs by one party, then they might well expect a disproportionate share of the sale proceeds especially if the divorce is after a short marriage and does not involve complexities like kids. Were mortgage interest and amortisation payments paid equally by the two of you, or from one persons’s salary?

I’m not sure “the one who runs off with the milkman/lady” naturally ends up in a weaker position.

Its tough – she mentioned a guy at work had told her he had feelings for her back in October. She was running with him a lot at lunchtimes and also socialising after work in a group with him. She told me she thought she might feel the same, but we agreed to make our marriage work.

I was completely oblivious to how deep she had got at the time as i’d just been diagnosed with Coeliac disease and was in a pretty poor state mentally. This had contributed to a breakdown in communication as i basically stopped wanting to socialise or do anything (including riding my bike!)

We carried on for the next few months – things did get better, but she was secretly sending him messages via WhatsApp and also over their internal skype thing at work. This culminated in them kissing at their Christmas Work do.

She left me and moved to her parents for some “space to think” at the start of February, i thought there was still a chance, However she was caught at his flat by the guys wife when she was supposed to be working from home.

She has completely shut off contact with me now, apart from emails. She decided it would be a good idea to go away with him a couple of weeks ago and made sure that i knew.

She has also told me that she loves him, which was pretty hard to hear.

IANAL but married and joint tenants with no children…. 50/50 split of all assets (ALL assets, pension etc as well). She might not think its fair but HGAF.

with a further amount coming as a “gift” from her parents

If “gift” means it was really a loan from her parents, but the mortgage company was told it was a gift because otherwise they would have reduced the amount they were prepared to lend, then you would be a thief if you refused to give the parents that money back when the house is sold.

Were mortgage interest and amortisation payments paid equally by the two of you, or from one persons’s salary?

Mortgage payments have been equal. We had a new boiler installed in December (after she cheated!) and also a complete re-roofing in December. She paid for this, as the agreement was that i reimbursed her for half once i recieved my quarterly bonus.

I do have a 30 minute consultation with a law firm tomorrow morning, so will see where i stand. It also depends what the house sells for.

If “gift” means it was really a loan from her parents, but the mortgage company was told it was a gift because otherwise they would have reduced the amount they were prepared to lend, then you would be a thief if you refused to give the parents that money back when the house is sold.

I should have mentioned that i will pay her parents back half of the money they contributed, with the other half coming from my wifes share.

Sorry to hear this, i ve been in a similar situation splitting house equity where i put in more…like your wife. Avoid lawyers they just want a protracted battle where only they win.

In the abscence of any agreement and if you paid half the mortgage hold out for your 50%.  At least theres a profit, it could have gone the other way.

Just reread your post, return the deposits, redeem mortgage plus fees, legal bills & agent fees, whats left half.

You have my thoughts, no doubt her mates and new bf will be giving her lots of advice too…

If “gift” means it was really a loan from her parents, but the mortgage company was told it was a gift because otherwise they would have reduced the amount they were prepared to lend, then you would be a thief if you refused to give the parents that money back when the house is sold.

I imagine to get the mortgage they would have had to produce a signed letter from her parents that the money was a gift.

Oh and if the split is set/agreed at 66/33 make sure it applies if the costs are higher than the money you get back out… ie she is liable for a bigger loss if you have to see faster for less.

Having done a bit of reading, my first impression was that joint tenancy vs tenancy in common would be irrelevant, but it turns out it is not. A JT represents a 50% ownership regardless of financial contributions, whereas the latter can encompass an unequal shared ownership.

Again, Id weigh up the total equity in the house based on a conservative sale price (or not so conservative if she is pushing for you to move out and she wants to stay there with new bofo), deduct all costs, mortgage, fees etc, Take off the In-Laws loan. Work out 50% and work out 33% (or, say a negotiated 40%) and then conclude whether the 10-17% difference is worth the hassle after paying £10k if lawyers fees on your side.

As it’s only twelve months, so apportioning any rise in property value is not really worth it, and you’ve been splitting the mortgage payments equally:

Sale proceeds

minus

costs (straight out of proceeds)

minus

deposit she paid (back to her)

minus

deposit you paid (back to you)

minus

cash from parents (back to them)

equals

equity remaining, split 50/50

Seems fair. You can do it without solicitors (I did when me and the first MrsIHN split up) if you both take a level headed view and realise that for everyone’s peace of mind it’s not worth arguing over what might only be a couple of grand each way. Getting solicitors involved will probably cost more than any gain from a different equity split that they may argue for.

You have my thoughts, no doubt her mates and new bf will be giving her lots of advice too…

She’s pretty much isolated herself from most of her friends. Friends have told me thats she’s in a honeymoon period and it wont last but she’s given up a lot for it not to work out for her!

Is the general consensus that i should make sure she gets her deposit back?

Something else that you might want to add into the above calculations if she keeps the house and buys out your share, is that she will not pay stamp duty on the transaction. If you use your share of the equity as deposit to buy your own house or flat, then you will have to pay stamp duty assuming it costs over £125,000.

Interesting comments – I’m on the other side, having paid for the deposit for the house. Though in my case it was a significant proportion of the purchase price, I suspect a more significant proportion than in the OP’s case, given that proportion would be a 6 figure sum with today’s house values. In moral terms with 2 years of mortgage payment in a market where house prices aren’t rising that fast, how large a proportion of the equity is the deposit? With a 50/50 split would she be getting less out than she put in (whilst you get more?)

I’m also the one leaving, though I’m not running off with anybody else (chance would be a fine thing – though admittedly a big part of leaving is the possibility of actually looking) – though we’re also not married and have kids, so the situation isn’t all that comparable.

Is the general consensus that i should make sure she gets her deposit back?

I would, just to make the whole thing go as painlessly as possible. Same for her folks’ cash too.

She doesnt want to keep the house, apparently too many memories…..

I would if i could afford to pay her out and get a mortage to cover but unfortunately thats not possible.

Its a nice house in a nice area.

I wish she had never made the commitment 14 months ago, this would have been a lot easier if we were renting still!

She can wave goodbye to her “share” of the deposit.

I’m pretty sure if the boot was on the other foot she would be after 50/50 😉

Knicked from somewhere else: “You need to look into who holds beneficial ownership of the house. If you are ‘joint tenants’, (which your question suggests) irrespective of what you have contributed to the purchase costs, you each own an equal share of the whole. If you are however ‘tenants in common’ you can own a property in equal or unequal shares.”

Equality when it suits etc….

give us the numbers and we can all have a stab at calculating what we thinks is fair! 😉

I would, just to make the whole thing go as painlessly as possible. Same for her folks’ cash too.

I agree with paying back her parents – the thing is (and im trying not to be angry/emotional) she needs to realise that she can’t just walk away without consequence.

That consequence is splitting remaining equity 50/50.

She has ripped my life apart for a guy that she doesn’t really know apart from in a work environment!

I need to start again (either renting or buy) on my own. She has someone else to jointly buy or rent with so is already at a significant advantage over me!

I would advise you do the sums on the various options and assess them with a cool head.

If, say (and I’m making figures up), the split she wants means she gets £25k and you get £20k, and what you would want would be £22.5k each, is that £2.5k you’re ‘losing’ by giving in to her worth the aggravation to achieve?

It’s hard to take the emotion out in these circumstances, cos you rightly feel hard done by emotionally and probably financially, but speaking from experience the best thing for you is as clean and hassle-free break as possible.

give us the numbers and we can all have a stab at calculating what we thinks is fair!

Probably not best on an open forum!

I disagree with some above.

Hire a lawyer, establish what the law dictates should happen, abide by the law.

Is the general consensus that i should make sure she gets her deposit back?

As much as you might want to hurt her back or ‘punish’ her for what she has done to you, I would urge you not to use the financial settlement as a way to do that. I imagine you are relatively young, and the amount of money involved might seem large now, but in 10 or 20 years it will probably be insignificant in the overall scheme of things in your life. Far better to be able to look in the mirror in 10 or 20 years and know that you behaved with integrity and honour (when she didn’t), than to know that you took advantage of the situation to get revenge.

It sounds like she is going to make a mess of her life anyway. Leave her to it and walk away with your self-respect.

+1 slowster

beer247 wrote:

<span style=”font-size: 0.8rem;”>I agree with paying back her parents – the thing is (and im trying not to be angry/emotional) she needs to realise that she can’t just walk away without consequence.</span>

beer247 wrote:

Trying not to let emotion cloud my judgement, but it was her choice to walk away.

It’s one thing or the other – you are letting emotion be a part of this if you think you need to “punish” her for walking.

Though as pointed out, if it’s a JT, as suggested then all she’s entitled to is a 50% share – if you sell then by default you’ll get 50% each back when the conveyancing solicitors divvy it up, and she’d have to fight (with no legal basis) to get more. As I suggested above it all depends whether you feel her getting less back than she put in (whilst you get more) is reasonable “punishment”

Assuming your heading for divorce then I’m not sure you can really treat the house separately, it is after all a joint asset. All your assets have to be taken into account. Cars, bikes, shares, pensions the lot. What you each had before you married is irrelevant (unless a prenup was in place). She enter a contract (marriage) that has clearly defined and well established separation procedures, she can’t just decide that this is no longer convenient. Its not about punishing her but about getting what it lawfully yours. As for the ‘gift’ (loan) that ones is more down to your moral compass even if legally you are entitled to half of it. Guess what I’m trying to say is if you have to consider everything. Say you have a car each but yours is worth a lot more then expecting to get 50% of the house and keep the car would not be reasonable. Conversely if her car is worth more you should also get a fair share of that. Same applies to your bikes (assuming you have bikes??).

Did you get a fixed mortgage? Any early repayment charge on that also needs to be accounted for.

You can get advice from wikivorce.org.

But I think for a short term marriage (< 5 years) you get out what you put in, so that 50/50 split thing does not apply – that comes in for long term marriages which are 15 years – based on my getting divorced last year.

So I think you would loose out trying to fight that one.

I would split it based on percentages paid in – just do it and move on – if you get solicitors involved it will cost you the difference you are fighting for probably and you will be a lot angrier at the end.

“I would if i could afford to pay her out and get a mortage to cover but unfortunately thats not possible.”

Are you sure? have you spoken to your lender? If you have scope to extend the mortgage to your retirement age then that might make it more affordable. I’d be looking at any possible way to stay in a mortgaged property, renting is generally more expensive and dead money. If your mortgage lender asks then you intend to retire at 75 😉 if your job is non physical (office based?) then this won’t be questioned. You can always alter it later and your salary will likely improve.

Doesnt sound like you have too much tied up in it after only 14 months and she ponied up most of the deposit.Treat it like a fire drill. Shortest route to the neatest exit.

It sounds like she is going to make a mess of her life anyway. Leave her to it and walk away with your self-respect.

You know what, you’re right – i’m 34 and have the rest of my life to live.

After fees and paying her parents back we are looking at splitting around 80K.

I may suggest a 60/40 split in her favour.

I was in a (very) similar situation a few years ago. As you’ve had a short marriage, if it ever went to court my understanding is the judge would take her larger contribution into account.

My advice is broadly the same as IHN’s – just make sure you include any additional costs that you footed the bill for entirely (e.g. any repairs to the house that only you paid for). Other than that, give everyone concerned their money back and then split the remainder equally.

On a more philosophical note, having been in pretty much the exact position you’re in, I would really recommend getting it all done and dusted as quickly as possible. Looking back on it, I found the whole experience (unsurprisingly) completely shit, wanted to kill myself and pretty much the lowest point of my life. However, as hard as it to grasp right now, it will get better and time is a great healer – I’ve now remarried a fantastic girl who’s my best friend. In the immediate short term, fill your time as much as is possible with as varied stuff as you can and you’ll get through it.

On a practical note – make sure you’re the person who files for divorce, this means you’re in control of the timings so can make everything go quickly. Make sure you both get at least a bit of legal advice and get the consent order reviewed by solicitors (yours and hers) before signing (this is the bit of paper that says who gets what money). Send me a PM if you want any advice on the process and/or what to write in the unreasonable behaviour (this is the only option for divorce you want to go for – don’t go for unfaithfulness the details will be unpleasant) section that won’t get anyone’s back up!

You know what, you’re right – i’m 34 and have the rest of my life to live.

That’s a good attitude

Sorry to hear of your predicament op. Don’t really have anything to but I’d echo Stoner’s advice/comments.

Hope you get back on your feet both emotionally and financially soon.

if you’re opening negotiations i wouldn’t start where you want to finish. take a cold hard look at what you could walk away with after advice, then see how she’s playing it.

also, if you get legal advice, don’t have them send any documentation to you at home where she may gain access to it. either email or have them send stuff to work or a friend’s. ask me how i know.

bear in mind that law is not a service, it is an industry.

if you’re still in the house then there’s no advantage in hurrying things along, but for the benefit of your mental state i would crack on with it. when she realises she’s still paying bills on a house only you are getting the use of she’ll be pretty keen to move things on too.

good luck.

Honestly, if I was in your situation, but I would get as much as I possibly could. Your life has fallen apart through no fault of your own. Let her reimburse her parents. Turn one massive negative into at least a financial positive.

However, maybe I’m being an arse, it depends on your relationship with her parents I suppose.

Regardless, I feel very sorry for you mate, if you’re in the south west and want a beer let me know.

Not sure if it’s been mentioned don’t forget that you will have now lost any first time buyer benefits on your next property (stamp duty). That can be quite a bit!

+1 for IHN’s method of splitting proceeds*, legally you could go for 50/50 of total equity but after such a short marriage & house ownership it would be fairly shitty to expect any more back just to “punish” your ex, keep it fair and keep it clean.

* Subject to other potential divorce arrangements