Help me train my bowels!

I’ve got a serious issue that is not doing my office cred any favours right now!

My bowels are lovely and regular, sign of a healthy gut, right? All the fibre must be doing some good. Problem is, my bowels have set their own alarm clock without consulting with me first. They have decided that 11am is the wonder hour – when I’m at work! On the mark every day that familiar urge down below starts a grumbling… I can pretty much set my clock by it!

Now I wouldn’t mind, but this means the inevitable – I’ve gotta use my works bathroom to “do my business”.

Issue 1: There is only one communal bathroom available in my offices with one, very posh, single stall

As far as loo’s go, it is magnificent, full soft, smoothe toilet roll so my cheeks are cherished, proper toilet brush with chrome holder, fabreeze air freshener available as well as a bit of hand cream (dont mind if i do!)but…

Issue 2: Nothing covers the tell tail signs that someone has just deposited a parcel in the posh toilet, and what’s worse, that lingers!

Still would be all fine if no one knew it was me…

Issue 3: the enterance to this single bathroom is in eye sight of all the desks of the loveliest girls in the whole entire office, there’s no where to hide! 😯

So my question is, can I retrain my bowels to a more convenient time, one where I won’t be using the only available communal unisex toilet with a free for all view of who is responsible for the, some might say unpleasant Eau de Toilette?

Prior trials:

Tried cranking it out before work, doesn’t happen, nothing is ready for evacuation at 6am

Tried holding on to it all day, what does happen is the bathroom smells better, but the air around the vicinity of my desk becomes a lethal veil of noxious gas, ready to pounce on anyone that comes close. Lesson learnt from that trial – touching cloth is never a good thing, even for the sake of self sacrifice in the name of the posh bathroom

Tried the match trick, what’s that all about?!?! It just made it smell like I was trying to crank one out while having a puff on the old cigar at the same time!

So the wonders of singletrack world, please help me train my bowels!

offset all your meals and eat them all 5 hrs earlier?

It may be that it is sparked off by something on your routine – a cup of coffee is a known initiator.

See now I’m the opposite, I’ve always trained my bowels to be ready during work time – might as well get paid for it!

Go out to Starbucks or McDonald’s “for lunch”.

*edit* failing that, use the two-flush method.

Get one of these and drive a transit van to work?

http://www.boginabag.com/%5B/url%5D

[edit]

I’ve always trained my bowels to be ready during work time – might as well get paid for it!

Although this can cause problems over a bank holiday weekend, ime.

normal digestive tract transit time (from watching food hospital on’t telly) is anything between 18-24 hours. try offsettign the meal that you are eating around that time back by 2 hours so you can nip out for a McDump(t)

Just be proud. Walk past the lovelies with a smug look demonstrating your manliness having spent at least 15 minutes in the stall.

I’m pretty sure a single unisex toilet is “illegal” in OfficeWorld.

Your can / should provide gender specific toilets, and can provide a unisex one AS WELL but not instead of.

I’d campaign for a private bog if I were you.

Mcdump, obvioulsy.

I thought everyone does this?

I’ll let you in to a little secret.

Everyone else uses the toilet too. Even those lovely girls. And they might think their shit doesn’t stink, but let me tell you…

Mcdump, obvioulsy.

If you get caught on the way in and go “oh, I’ll buy something when I come out,” it’s a McShit with lies.

Step 4 – the user has a supportive comfortable stool

Woot! Woot!

Buy a newspaper.
At 11 am every morning, get up, fold the newspaper under your arm and announce that you are going to the other office and don’t wish to be disturbed.

Be a man, poo like a king.

If you get caught on the way in and go “oh, I’ll buy something when I come out,” it’s a McShit with lies.

Would you like to go large?

extra nuggets?

There is something to be said for the ‘Walking in proud with a newspaper tucked under one arm and walking out with a satisifed smile and a completed crossword on show’ approach.

Perosnally, I’d errm clam up if I thought everyone knew what was going on.

My offices are in the middle of the countryside, no maccy d’s for me to escape to. As for changing meal times, been there, tried it, even spent a couple of weeks in a different time zone (for reasons other than bowel training) and still on the dot, 11am GMT that grumbling awoke…

extra nuggets?

And perhaps a Walnut Whip McFlurry.

your boss is a deviant, and has fitted cameras in the bog, it’s the only explanation.

leave now, before it gets even weirder.

My offices are in the middle of the countryside,

When I drove tractors on the farm, there was nothing nicer than my morning break: Park the tractor at the top of the field with a beautiful view of the valley below. Overalls round my ankles, leaning against the rear wheel, and finally a polish with some workshop tack rag. Just be careful to check you didnt poo in your overalls coz when you flip them back up you can get a warm thud in the back of your head….

My offices are in the middle of the countryside

lunchtime walks and a contemplative stool in the woods?

No Maccy Ds? The double flusher it is for you.

I’m sure it doesn’t need much explaining.

I think what you’ve got to do is reset your bowels in much the same way that you would a computer. That way you can restart your digestive system so that it fits in with your day.

I’ve read a lot of good things about Picolax (see link below), so maybe this could help to get this ball rolling, as it were.

Picolax[/url]

If you do try this out though, promise to let us know how you get on. Remember, we’re only here to help 😀

And perhaps a Walnut Whip McFlurry.

Just pray it’s not a chocolate milkshake! 😯

Sounds like the OP might need to triple flush. Just don’t forget to keep nipping it off and lay a large log that can’t be flushed!

Even those lovely girls. And they might think their shit doesn’t stink, but let me tell you…

There is NO WAY id ever have had a poo at work, or at college for that matter 😳

My loo, or a maccys, or maybe if it was really bad a public loo, but it would have to be life or death for that to happen

Get out of the office and do a mans job !

it’s the mans jobbie that’s causing the problem 😉

1 – Misdirection. Open the door, take a half step in and then very obviously recoil before rolling your shoulders, putting on a resigned expression, going in and closing the door.

2 – Pride. Just step out when finished, pause, dust your hands together then fist pump while barking out “Getting it done, OORAH!!”

chojin – Member
No Maccy Ds? The double flusher it is for you.

I’m sure it doesn’t need much explaining.

It does. Sorry. 😳

Get a Doctors note:

“To whom it may concern,

Mr Peaks has ‘Elevenses Disease’ which, far from meaning he gets the nibbles late morning, leaves him with an irresistable urge to evacuate his bowels immediately before lunch.

He’d doing his best to cope under difficult circumstances and would appreciate if you woudl ask your staff to avoid commenting or drawing attention to his behaviour in this area.

Thanks in advance

Dr De’ath.”

There is NO WAY id ever have had a poo at work

Madness! Good gods, woman, you’re being paid to have a poo! You’re missing out on one of life’s rare treats.

you’re in the middle of the countryside?
Poofresco time.
just remember to pick up a spade and bury what you made.

This is a scene out of “The Office” right,

You are David Brent and I want my £5

Won’t you think of all your colleagues who are setting their clocks by you.

Proud to poo is the way to go!

It does. Sorry.

I think our esteemed colleague is suggesting what we in polite circles like to refer to as a “courtesy flush.”

Once the Logwarts Express has left the station, an immediate in s(h)itu flush will send the olfactory offence on its merry way. You can then sit at your leisure whilst you wait for any secondary turdettes, do the Times crossword, check your navel for fluff and your nostrils for goblins, read Twitter on your phone, and then clean and polish before everything starts drying out. A second flush will then be required to dispatch the bog roll and pick ‘n’ mix in the usual manner.

Genuine LOLing at this thread. 🙂

I know of blokes who’s wives virtually kick them out of the house because of the stench they make, and having worked in the building trade for many years I can confirm that there’s some people that really should not be allowed to drop the kids off at any communal pool 😯

*waves at this thread*

This is way I never!!!

The shame of doing a smelly poo would be too much 😳 plus I am the person that walks out with their skirt tucked into their knickers