Great lies to tell cycling newbies

when climbing “we’re nearly at the top”

I eat electrolyte tabs raw.. I like the fizzy taste!

Lies.. I dunno I guess you could tell people they’ll never be a proper cyclist until they run single speed?

Edit.. As above.. We’re nearly at the top, it’s all downhill after this brow.. Lol.. Done that one a few times!

That’s just reminded me of a bit of “guide speak” we’ve encountered.
“This next sections a bit draggy”*
*1000M climb with 200M hike a bike in the middle.

singlespeedstu – Member

That’s just reminded me of a bit of “guide speak” we’ve encountered.

Traverse = climb
Undulates = goes upwards
Cheeky climb = book the air ambulance
4 more switchbacks on the climb = 8 more switchbacks, apparently they come in pairs in France

Mtb tyres need 50psi, road bike tyres 100psi.

Deep heat is really good to use as chamois cream. Especially for women 😯

Nah, you’d have to be an evil got to do that 👿

“It gets easier”

😆

The left over water from strained pasta is an excellent energy drink.

And what is wrong with 100psi ?

If you ride at that bog fast enough, you’ll go straight through it(closely followed by OTB into head to toe foul smelling filth).

26″ wheels were banned by the EU

Undulating only comes out when you have said there are no more climbs one time to many…
Guide Speak?
3 grades of trail with Yvan in France
It is OK
It is a little Rocky
You may die

Little lies?
Roadies are not miserable bar stewards, they are just concentrating too hard on not falling off to acknowledge anyone else.

mikewsmith – Member

3 grades of trail with Yvan in France
It is OK
It is a little Rocky
You may die

You forgot “The next trail, it’s not so good…” But yep. “This trail… maybe we crash? We go?”

ah yes the one between a little rocky and you may die 😉

Such a fun trip

Oh and when somebody new to the group asks if it will be fine on a HT just point to the other bloke on a HT who could probably ride down anything without blinking and say yeah he does fine…

Not strictly relevant here, but loving the ‘guidespeak’ ones and reminds me a ski guide in Chamonix.

At various points on the tour he’d warned us of crevasses and told us “If you fall here, do not try to get up, we will ski back and help you back upright”

Until the section where he started “If you fall here, do not try to get up……….. we will ski back later and put a cross up where you fell”

Northwind – Member
It’s totally reasonable to have to service your forks every 15 hours

Are you a fox rep?

Some of those are a bit too close to some of the actual advice I’ve heard:

“well, I suppose it’d be Ok as a shopping bike or for commuting but you’re going to need to get something for off road if you come out again” (aimed at my Swift after going out with a new group for the first time, the dispenser of the advice couldn’t ride his gnarpoon for toffee.

“you need to only look at 650b wheels or bigger” aimed at some newbies on £400 giant hardtails who were asking questions about what to upgrade to. I mean come on, we’d been riding the same trails for years on 26″ bikes, and now they’re no longer suitable? Because the group defiantly didn’t get faster. I told them to go on ebay and pick up a 26″ bargain.

You’ll learn more on a hardtail.

“Come on you’ll enjoy it”
“this is the best bit”
“Not far now”
“Nearly there”
“It’s all downhill from here”

As an aside there were quite a few ladies around Cannock at the weekend. No disrespects but some of the overheard comments seemed to sum up the hopelessness of the situation e.g.

“How do you expect me to ride up there? It’s too steep and I’m in the wrong gear” (start of the Monkey)
“Is it all like this? It’s horrible” (monkey on the way to Five Ways)
“How much further is it?” (various)
“What’s the most direct way back to the visitor centre?” (various)

🙂

On joining The Mid Devon Cycling club in the 80’s and riding with Colin Lewis*; you only need a 42-21 around here, and in the bunch dont brake put your elbows out.
*The only Welsh man to have completed the TDF, in case you dont know your history.

The only Welsh man to have completed the TDF, in case you don’t know your history

I’m sure Luke Rowe and Geraint Thomas might argue that point.

I’m sure Luke Rowe and Geraint Thomas might argue that point.

I assumed he meant at that point in time.

Yes thanks hexhamstu, i did!!

one for the roadie café

” I’ll get the coffee while you tell that guy he’s forgotten to put the dust caps back on his valves ”

Only the weak use the smaller chainring.

To new member on first road club ride:
“See that old duffer* over there? He always struggles on club runs. Tell him you’ll look after him and give him a push if he needs it.”

*The late Roger Queen, former 50 mile TT champion.