Girlfriend Problems

Flage- that is being unreasonable then. nearer the beginning I said perhaps an ultimatum on that. “Help me find a solution to this or I will have to go” You can still do the none pejorative /non judgemental thing in looking for a solution

The OP is already compromising as he has no choice.

This. The experience of varying sexual desires is very one-sided – those who don’t want to have sex are already getting what they want.

I could accept a sexless relationship, I couldn’t cope with a loveless one though.

I could accept a sexless relationship

Is that keyboard warrior talk, or have you tried?

If sue w’s statistics are right,
my life sucks…
😯

I wouldn’t accept either.

Still unmarried at 43!

anothergit – Member

“The OP is already compromising as he has no choice.”

This. The experience of varying sexual desires is very one-sided – those who don’t want to have sex are already getting what they want.

I doubt they are – a happy fulfilled partner and a loving stress free relationship hardly seems plausible.

The problem is different for both sides. I bet the OPs girlfriend is not otoo happy either with the situation but can see no way out.

I could accept a sexless relationship, I couldn’t cope with a loveless one though.

Is that then the difference between making love and having sex ?
😉

As you will know. For some, its emotional as well as physical.

I bet the OPs girlfriend is not too happy either with the situation but can see no way out.

Laying it on real thick now TJ.
You’ll be assuming for the sake of trollin telling us next the OP is keeping the GF barefoot and naked, while locked in a bedroom.

🙄

I bet the OPs girlfriend is not otoo happy either with the situation but can see no way out.

The OPs girlfriend has a lot more options – if such people are so unhappy with the situation, how come they never make any move to change it?

Is that keyboard warrior talk, or have you tried

Yes – see one of my earlier posts – I nearly married someone myself in a physically sexless relationship (although we were in love and were intimate).

Solo – I am not trolling I am trying to be helpful. Perhaps you could stop and think about what I am trying to put instead of leaping to the attack.

I have been thru this sort of situation and worked it out to a satisfactory solution

I shall step away from it now.

I hoped you washed your hands afterwards.

Are there really 4 pages of whining because someone isn’t getting shagged?

Amazing, this place.

My 2p,

The whole issue of cause / blame / compromise etc is kinda moot. The big issue is that she won’t talk about it. That’s the showstopper which needs addressing in all this.

This thread is useless without pics.

You’d better not be peterfile because that would be a crime.

Either you are A) This guy

Or B) Too much the kind of person that asks this kind of question about giving his gf the boot on an internet forum.

I go with B.

I nearly married someone myself in a physically sexless relationship

Though you give the impression you were brainwashed – would you really be happy with such a situation again?

OP – I was in the same boat so I finished the relationship. The feeling of not being wanted slowly destroyed the love I had for her. Mind you I am still not getting any but I don’t endure that situation you describe of being next to someone but feeling a million miles apart. The grass may not be greener over this side of the fence but it is a different shade of brown.

Are there really 4 pages of whining because someone isn’t getting shagged?

Amazing, this place.

Amazing there aren’t more people who’ve never had such an experience and have no empathy making stupid comments?

Solo – Member

Laying it on real thick now TJ

I don’t actually think TJ is trolling, I think he is genuinly trying to see both sides of the situation.

Having been in a relationship where the other half wanted sex more than I did (by quite some way) there are massive feelings of being abnormal, and feelings of guilt from not meeting your partners needs. (which may, or may not apply to the OPs other half) It wasn’t until we broke up that I realised that I fitted somewhere on the asexual spectrum, as I just don’t want sex with other people

Amazing there aren’t more people who’ve never had such an experience and have no empathy making stupid comments?

Or, conversely, think that airing this kind of personal issue to a load of internet strangers is somewhat odd. But don’t let that stop you from throwing the stupid insults about.

I knew a girl who was very up tight sexually. I got her talking one night and it turns out when she was 13 her first boyfriend (17) tried to have sex with her in her bedroom and her older brother came home early.

It scarred her and made her really tense and uncomfortable in every relationship after this. Thing is she didn’t make the connection (weird).

Anyway it really helped for her to talk about it and me to probe/etc.

If everything else is right why the **** would you ditch her? She has security issues, something within her past that she feels insecure about. Also she may have self-body issues where she views her body as ‘ugly’ but wont admit it. Its not a rational fear.

Get her talking. Talk to her. Don’t do the sex-pressure shit. It’ll just push her further into this mindset.

I really don’t want to think about Hora and probes 😯

Oh look he’s here…

TJ.

Just seems to me you were introducing elements that while being theoretically possible.
Hadn’t been reported by the OP.
So therefore such Theorizing seemed misleading.

Dan.
Fair enough, but the original question is whether to split from someone who isn’t meeting your needs.
And you seemed to have done this yourself.

I’m in the end it and both move on camp.

They tried, it wasn’t meant to be.

Get back out there, the one for you is waiting.

She has security issues, something within her past that she feels insecure about. Also she may have self-body issues where she views her body as ‘ugly’ but wont admit it. Its not a rational fear.

Get her talking. Talk to her. Don’t do the sex-pressure shit. It’ll just push her further into this mindset.

Original and truely vintage Hora.

For goodness sake Hora, read the OP.
He has been trying to talk to her about it, for some considerable time.
Also seems that the OP would prefer to work through it to a solution which sees them stay together.
BUT, it takes two, no ?.

You may not realize this, but to have a discussion, takes both parties to speak.
😉

if such people are so unhappy with the situation, how come they never make any move to change it?

* Fear of making things worse
* Unable to comprehend the depth of the problem
* Unable to comprehend a solution
* Hope that the problem will go away
* Acceptance that things don’t have to be perfect (they rarely are)

I’m of the sentimental view that love is about what you give, not what you get. Does the OP love his GF enough to tolerate a life without much intimacy? Does she love him enough to provide him some intimacy even when she doesn’t want it?

Dissatisfaction with intimacy or any other need causes frustration and ill-feeling. Whether there is enough ill-feeling to fracture a relationship is a calculation for both partners and depends on their relative priorities and tolerances. Only the OP can answer these questions for himself.

But I would say to the OP that if you at the point of splitting, then try to persuade her that some professional help should be attempted first. At least you then know you did all you could.

I like the way that the fact she’s not interested in sex seems to be a problem that requires some form of treatment in most peoples eyes

It seems that that these days it’s OK that you want to have sex with people of the opposite sex, or that you want to have sex with people who are the same sex, but there must be something wrong with you if you don’t want to have sex with anyone.

If you don’t want to have sex with someone and maintain a relationship with someone that desires a sex life then there is something wrong.

Moving forward she might think to at least talk about it a bit more. OP should try and remove as much pressure as possible. Then at least both parties have given an otherwise good relationship a decent shot at it.

OP – You sound like a great guy!* When you speak to her about this, do you start with the problem/negative? Whenever I broach difficult topics with my partner I start with telling her how much I love her and all the positive things we have got going for us (*see what I did there!). I try and avoid all words or implications that might make her think I blame her. I really try and keep my voice sounding reasonable at all times. This helps me to get her open up to me (not literally) and prevents a defensive response. Then end on more positives. You still are a great guy!

Sorry if you’re doing this all already but it helps me.

Dan.
Fair enough, but the original question is whether to split from someone who isn’t meeting your needs.
And you seemed to have done this yourself.

It was me that got dumped, so she made the decision for me.
I think that whilst she was meeting most of my needs, I wasn’t meeting many of hers, so she did what was best for her.

It would have been nice if she’d wanted to discuss it perhaps, and it might have been nice if I’d known then that actually I wasn’t abnormal.

As cougar said, this could be about a range of issues. It’s the refusal to communicate that makes things harder. Would you suggest joint therapy? That might help her understand that compromise is possibly an option. Maybe she thinks she’s compromised enough already. Seems reasonable to want out if you’re unhappy though…

Though you give the impression you were brainwashed – would you really be happy with such a situation again?

Yes agreed – but I was content in so many other ways that it didn’t seem important to me – perhaps I was seduced by her other personality traits and I thought that was enough but I know I was happy accepting of the situation and could live with it because I loved her. It just turned out she loved our mortgage adviser more 😀

Interesting this.

Two people who sound as though they are NOT abnormal, just have different needs.

Perhaps they don’t need therapy or treatment – just different partners?

Weird how many posters here jump to suggest:

1) Therapy or taking – when one person doesn’t want to talk
2) That turning down sex means the other person must be dirty or a crap shag
3) That either sex is VERY Important, or NOT important at all.

Cheers all, some good advise there.

The issue is that I have tried to talk about it on several occasions and she just won’t open up. Same in bed, she just won’t open up and say what she likes, does not like etc. It’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack without having any eyes or hands!

How can you possibly resolve a problem if she won’t talk openly about it or if she doesn’t even see that it’s an issue despite me letting her know otherwise?

I realise that sex is always a compromise. I would be happily up to no good every night if I had the choice but for her it’s once in a blue moon. Meeting somewhere in the middle would be great but at the moment it’s only whenever she feels like it – which isn’t very often! And even then it seems like sometimes she often just wants to get it over with as quickly as possible. It’s always the same – never wants to try anything different.

Sex is a big part of any relationship for me. It’s not just the physical act but how it makes you both feel and how it builds a bond.

I know it’s not my performance that’s to blame. There are too many women who can vouch for that in the past 😉

Think I’ve kind of made the decision that it’s not going to work. There’s only so much rejection a man can take and only so long I can remain faithful without feeling loved.

A real real shame because in most other ways she’s great and I will miss her loads. I used to think she was a ‘keeper’ but at the end of the day though, despite loving her to bits then there’s only so much you can keep on giving without getting anything in return.

It was me that got dumped, so she made the decision for me.
I think that whilst she was meeting most of my needs, I wasn’t meeting many of hers, so she did what was best for her.

It would have been nice if she’d wanted to discuss it perhaps, and it might have been nice if I’d known then that actually I wasn’t abnormal.

Obvoiusly, as with all relationships, there seems to be a lot to your story.
But my point was, you are now meeting your needs, and its not with that previous partner.
You have split from that person, so that both can meet their needs.
I would suggest that you should NOT feel you are to blame for just being you.
Nor should your ex be blamed for looking elsewhere to meet their needs through the process of splitting with you.

FWIW, I’m of the opinion that you do not change people to your will.
Either you are compatible or you aint.
If you aint, you have two choices imo.
You go elsewhere or you change.
But if you change, it must be because you want to not because you’ve been forced to.

I’ve walked away from women and my mates have been jumping up an down asking how I can turn her whomever, down.
Simple, if I don’t think that she is for me.
Then thats it.
I aint gonna mould someone into what I think I want.
That really would be a terrible thing to try, even worse were you to succeed.
imo.

Just perhaps the lady may be lesbian, and suffering deep anxuieties about her sexuality, she doesnt want to tell her boyfreind as she enjoys his company and living with him, she just doesnt want sex with him.

Alot of peeps are forced to stay in dodgy relationships due to their sexuality,just so they appear to be part of what is classed as normal, eg man and woman, even though civil partnerships are now being seen as legaly correct and aceptable by some.

Sex isnt the big thing its made ouit to be, its the freindship and comapnionship, and waking up next to someone you love each day.

FWIW, I’m of the opinion that you do not change people to your will.
Either you are compatible or you aint.

Yeah but they might yet be compatible; it’d be a shame to miss out on a great relationship because of miscommunication, wouldn’t it?

she just won’t open up and say what she likes, does not like etc

Sounds like she’s not comfortable then. Making people feel comfortable is a complex art.

There are too many women who can vouch for that in the past

It’s not about how good of a performer you are. Think of it like being a stand up comedian. You can’t measure how funny a comic is on some absolute scale – the jokes have to match the audience. I’m sure there are many successful comedians that you can’t stand, but others love them.

at the moment it’s only whenever she feels like it

That seems, to me, to be the biggest problem. I can almost sense your eagerly waiting for her to give you signals that she will allow you to have sex with her. It really doesn’t sound, on the information given, that she is contributing anything to the relationship in a sexual manner.

4 pages till the “lesbian” card is played!

Very restrained!

A real real shame because in most other ways she’s great and I will miss her loads. At the end of the day though then there’s only so much I can take.

Wind it up nicely, might be good to remain friends.

There are plenty more pebbles on the beach.

But my point was, you are now meeting your needs, and its not with that previous partner.

Not entirely sure how being forced into being single when I want to be in a relationship with someone I love is meeting my needs, but I do sort of get your point 🙂