No one is asking you to apologise. It doesn’t take much empathy to realise that lots of folk given the stresses of living away from family support, 2 people working, money, find Kids an extra burden that harms their marriage

I like loddrik’s response.

For some people, shared positive experiences can make good feelings. Hearing happy stories can create happiness rather than jealousy.
Seeing it all work out for others can offer hope that things can get better. Sometimes it can inspire ideas of things worth trying.

Thanks L.

I was finding this thread interesting and informative. Keeping it that way would be great.

OPs thread title…

Describe your marriage since having kids

He then asked the question…

Does it get better by itself once kids a bit less dependent? Have you done anything to successfully overcome this? Interested to hear other perspectives….

Some people have got ‘other perspectives’. I’d have thought he’d like to hear some positive experiences too, as a way of offering hope. Having kids isn’t all doom and gloom, surprisingly…

Having re-read this thread and my previous ( a wee bit ranty?) post I’ve realised that I have perhaps come across as being negative and have maybe totally failed to answer the OP’s question, specifically…

Does it get better by itself once kids a bit less dependent? Have you done anything to successfully overcome this?

So…. YES, It does get better. It’s bloody hard work and there is a period where your whole life seems to be subsumed by the kids. My experience is that once the youngest one starts school the pressure eases a good deal.
Have you done anything successfully overcome this? YES… loads. The one piece of advice that I’ll offer to the OP is this.

Routine is your friend.

Get the kids up at the same time everyday. have a routine for washing, dressing, meals, homework ….everything. Get the kids to bed at the same time everyday. Make your life like a military machine. If everyone knows what they’re supposed to be doing and when they’re supposed to be doing it makes the whole experience much less chaotic.

All my kids are in their bedrooms by eight EVERY night. They are allowed to read etc. until lights out dependent on age.This is the routine and they accept it without question as it has always been thus. This is grown-up time for mummy and daddy. If this wasn’t the case then I would have been in the nuthouse years ago.

Is it all worth it? Absolutely. Despite the effort required and the chaos it’s the most rewarding thing i’ve ever known.
Just accept that you’ve graduated from marriage to family. It’s a big step but a great one.

But you failed to answer those questions loddrik. You just went on about how great your marriage is because you “take it in your stride”.

Positive experiences are useful, but they need to come with a bit of perspective, empathy and understanding.

As I said, I’ve been with my wife for twenty-something years, we’ve been married for nine, and we have two adorable daughters of two and five. There is a LOT of joy in my life, but I can sympathise with the OP on the complete lack of sex and the problems that can cause.

Got to go pack a tent for a long weekend at Alton Towers now 😀

It’s amazing, our life is like a Thomson holiday advert crossed with a country living article. Our sun kissed tousled haired cherubs play quietly together on our immaculate lawn. Occasionally they break off to stretch and kiss one of us gently on the nose. The house, if anything has got tidier, and I’m struggling to spend the spare cash fast enough.

I’m sure 3 wet bank holiday days spent in the BBB lodge with my ‘mentalist evil genius child’ and the ‘one that can’t be put down’ will put an end to your [fake] perfect life 😉

Looking forward to it.

I’m just gonna roll wi’ the punches…

DrP

This all fits into my theory of life which imo applies to 90% of the population that go down this path. I have seen it happen over and over and over and over and over again.

Basically boils down to the fact that society as a whole tends towards working to a plan. A set of instructions which we travel down which is designed to fill our time and keep us on our toes. There are exceptions of course, but the majority follow this path and wonder what has happened when they get to the end of the road and have to either amuse themselves or haven’t got anything left to plan.

1) Meet a girl (This sounds like a song)
2) Date
3) After a period of amazing sex, drink, parties, holidays, activities you realise you love each other
4) Engaged – Parties, more amazing sex
5) Planning wedding and moving in together, more amazing sex
6) Married and buying house, more amazing sex

You have been together for between 3 and 10yrs by this point. There has been nothing but fun and amazing sex.

7) You plan kids. You have kids. You buy all the stuff that comes with kids. There is a slight break in the amazing sex
8) You find that you cant afford the money or time for the amazing holidays (Unless you are middle class STWer) so you find yourselves in each others company tired and emotional with needy kids.
9) Kids get older and they become more and more expensive. More time consuming and it becomes harder and harder to communicate with the wife because you are no longer planning anything exciting other than who is doing the shopping or buying kids shoes. Sex has reduced.

You now have a choice. You work with your wife to build a mutual respect for what each other do in the family. You marvel at the way they hold the family together and you find her more attractive because she is so strong for you. You make a bit of time for each other as much as you can and you learn to laugh at the struggles you have and how it used to be so different.

Or you keep chasing the self absorbed dream that you can always have this amzing life of chasing the next dream. The next thing to plan for etcetc.

It boils down to being happy with what you have, and I think if you really thought about it, you probably have everything you wanted when you started the journey. You just didn’t realise it cant always be working towards the next big goal. At some point things slow down and you enjoy the moment.

Been with my wife since I was 16, 24yrs in total. Been married 16yrs and have 2 kids 8 & 12. I would say that even though the kids can be hard work, my relationship with their mum is as good as its ever been. That includes arguing (She is a redhead), the sex and even the times where I am bored shitless.

I’d like to retort but the thread would no doubt turn into the usual STW bitchathon. Which isn’t going to help the OP much.

I guess I can’t really answer if it gets better because it’s always been pretty good.

My post isn’t ‘having a go’ at anyone btw. Its more a case of ‘everyone experiences this in one form of the other at some point’.

If you love each other the hard times can become good times too

I’d say TheLittlestHobo has it spot on with the addition of some financial stress.

Most couples start out with 2 x reasonable incomes and only themselves to spend it on. When number 1 is born, Mrs take 12 months off work before going back to work. No 2 pops out and you realise that it doesn’t make much sense for Mrs to work 40 hrs a week for a few hundred quid after paying for childcare. Mrs gives up work or drastically reduces hours.

This all looks OK on paper and seems a good idea but kids get older and want to do more things, your house starts to feel small and you would like the odd holiday or new car and this adds stress.

“Marriage is a dinner that begins with dessert” 😆

First child was idyllic.. Teamwork and communication and shared experience was beautiful..
Our second kid was much more difficult.. Sleep deprivation, stress and individual coping mechanisms highlighted our differences in a bad way..
Communication broke down, motivations became more personal and selfish and eventually we realised things were gonna be much better with a fresh start..

A fresh start where we weren’t together 🙂

We are lucky in that we had our 3 in the days before it became compulsory to make them the centre of the universe at the expense of your own happiness. They just had to get on with it and fit in with what we wanted to do.

They’re now 29, 31 and 33. Turned into nice people and we’re all friends. Mrs BigJohn & I are still doing the same sort of things that we did back in 1969.

Did I mention we were lucky?

It’s amazing, our life is like a Thomson holiday advert crossed with a country living article. Our sun kissed tousled haired cherubs play quietly together on our immaculate lawn. Occasionally they break off to stretch and kiss one of us gently on the nose. The house, if anything has got tidier, and I’m struggling to spend the spare cash fast enough.

+1

Mine are 4 and 18 months. Its ok with the wife – ups and downs but we have grown to accept one-anothers annoying traits, have a rage periodically but get over it and focus on the kids routines and making sure get to have a good time too. Its not all about the kids – we are people first and parents second.

Over the last year the sex has returned and it is actually better than ever. No idea why that has happened but clearly a good thing.

I just try and remember and remind her that we are on the same side. Give her a big cuddle to remind her she is hugely appreciated.

Generally as the kids are getting older it is getting easier. Mitigated by the fact that both of them have always slept well. Now they play together and we are mostly referees. So more time for me to knock around – watch what I want on TV (“no you cant have damn peppa pig!”), tinker and ride my bikes, and chat to the wife.

Over the last year the sex has returned and it is actually better than ever. No idea why that has happened but clearly a good thing.

She wants a third one but doesn’t want to spook you?

Moving away from the OP here a bit, but interesting none the less….

before it became compulsory to make them the centre of the universe

It does seem like that these days, doesn’t it?

I never got to see my dad when going up (well that’s how it seems thinking back now) he’d work 6 sometimes 7 days a week. So I want to make sure I mess about with my kids as much as I possibly can.

To that end, it’s defo not …

at the expense of your own happiness

But I do wonder whether in giving them so much attention will it be to their detriment later in life … or … will they still look back and think that thier dad didnt give them enough time?

Guess it could be both … right that’s it … pub night, bike tomorrow … leave the little buggers in front of the tele all weekend long.

Society has changed considerably in the last 30 years.

I remember being taken to A&E with a broken arm after falling out of a tree when I was about 9. After patching me up, The doctor exchanged knowing looks with my mum in a “Kids, Eh?…” kind of way and ruffled my hair and called me a cheeky scamp.

Compare this to when my wife took my 7 year old son to A&E with a broken arm after he fell off the couch. The doctor took him away to a separate room without my wife and asked him ” How did this REALLY happen?”

Different times.

So it’s not at the expense of you own happiness –
It’s more like, “Society in general and other parents, teachers and Social Services in particular are judging you. All the time. So don’t leave your kids unattended”

Sadly after 17 years of marriage I’m another statistic. Kids are great and we’d probably not lasted as long without them.

Just hoping things work out in this latest chapter of life.

perchypanther

had this with our sons nursery, our boy is adventurous to say the least and has bruises all over his knees and legs and butt, (even caught the sod climbing out of the bathroom window). my missus was invited in and said a report would be needed, came home in tears. i went down and let off a bit of steam and told them to wind their necks in, which they did thankfully..

I do get people need to be careful as horrible stuff goes on, but some parents are being labelled things they simply are not and it has disastrous effects.

Describe your marriage since having kids

Like running down the aisle on a burning runaway train whilst being hancuffed to bomb filled with ebola where the only sound i can here is the screaming of thousand tortured banshees whilst being chased by horde of flesheating zombie bank managers into the waiting jaws of my boss who’s a werewolf whilst reading a to do list which includes the 1001 torments that await me once the missus and kids get home.

Other than that fine.

Marriage is hard whether you’ve had kids or not. Those who say they’ve never had a crossed word and life is lovely are lying!!! 😀

But with kids – yes it does get easier as they get older. My daughter is 13 soon and is a best friend to us both and this grows stronger as they get older and smarter.

The only problem she causes is she isn’t tidy – this winds my wife up no-end, where as I let it go as she won’t be around for ever. This then leads to conflict between us!

That sounds familiar, though for brief flicker read once.

I mostly gave that up when second one came along, have far fewer weekends away by myself and far more time at home to spend feeling miserable.

married 25 year, been together 32 years. son 24 daughter 18 and a 6 year old granddaughter.
love and fancy my wife just as much now as I did when we 1st started.
hopefully she thinks likewise……. 😀

It’s been wonderful ,thanks for asking.

Good communication and mutual respect for your partner helps a lot in understanding each other.
We got this early on ,so maybe that’s it.
Kids shouldn’t change that ,they just up the work load.
We are lucky ,I never take it for granted.

My wife has a theory that you should only have kids once you have achieved all you want to in life, in her opinion, when you have kids you then have to devote your time to helping them achieve their goals. She accepts that this may change when the kids leave home or become self sufficient but before that it is their life that is the focus not yours. Some people want this and embrace it, others are too selfish, more still want the kids without that acceptance.

It is this belief that means she (30) and me (35) don’t have kids.

The whole world is also against you if you’ve got more than two kids…..

This scares the shit out of me.

Our experience is like yours for 1 and 2. 1 hard work, 2 easier because we knew what we were doing.

The wife now wants 3. Hard to say no as she still wants 3 and preventing that would cause resentment. But I’ve yet to meet a single person who thinks having 3 is a good idea these days. And then when we have 3 and our life is destroyed I will have to resist my natural urge to say “told you so” and go out on my bike.

It is this belief that means she (30) and me (35) don’t have kids.

I wonder.

Hypothesis: the people who are knackered and celibate post-kids had them in their 30s; the happy shagmonsters had their kids in their 20s.

i’m relatively lucky, in so much that if i don’t get out i turn into a mierable sod and the other half knows this, so bike time is guranteed, just not sure what days. Weekend aways are more troublesome, as it means the kids are terrorising just one adult. 8 years in, 1 5yo 1 3yo plenty of arguments, P L E N T Y, but we’re still hear, we’ve even been through the relate thing as well which did help as long as both honest and open. Sex life, yes not quite what it was in terms of quantity, but become oddly more adventurous! Missus also wants number 3 – i don’t in a big way -this is causing problems..

I’ve yet to meet a single person who thinks having 3 is a good idea these days

Our friends have 5 and love it.

My wife has a theory that you should only have kids once you have achieved all you want to in life

Then that would be the end of the human race for sure. No woman would ever give birth ever again. See also: waiting until you have enough money before having kids.

And what if the main thing you wanted to achieve was to have kids?

I’ve yet to meet a single person who thinks having 3 is a good idea these days

I know someone who’s wife was one of your earth mother types, and wanted 5. He didn’t. She just pecked and pecked away at his head until he caved in. From the 3rd onwards he’s just looked like a broken man.

My wife has a theory that you should only have kids once you have achieved all you want to in life, in her opinion

IMO this is a recipe for ruin.

What happens when you relise after having a kid that you want to achive something else as well. Then you will resent your kids. Much better to just get on with having kids and let you lives adjust whilst still retaining what you are about. I’ve achived much more in the 4 years since we had children then the 10 I did before that.

My wife has a theory that you should only have kids once you have achieved all you want to in life

Unless you have low achievements in life then that’s a very odd theory. Does she know it’s possible to achieve things even after kids?

My wife has a theory that you should only have kids once you have achieved all you want to in life

My mam was 18 when I was born, and she had child number 5 when she was 28. Since then, she has got a degree and had a career. She’s now 56 and has 4 grandkids.

Child number one is due in 6 weeks, I’m watching this thread with interest

Well I’ve done the usual skim read of this thread…

I have two kids, 3 and 1 currently, sex life has been up and down (no pun intended).

I’ve been close to just thinking **** this and join Ashley Madison, but it sounds like the OP is struggling with sex drive as well as his partner, so that’s perhaps not the issue.

I think the massive difficulty when your wife stays at home (mine has been off for kids/childminding part time) and you go out to work and both do have a busy time is that you are both busy but it’s easy to imagine the other isn’t pulling their weight – you’ve got to have trust and work together.

Make sure you make each other feel appreciated too, and take advantage of time together when you can get it. I’ve got quite annoyed when free time made by visits from grandparents has been taken up with things like getting a new sofa (which we didn’t really need but was second hand so cheap) rather than actually spending some couple time together (not necessarily naked).

I think what I miss most about pre-kids is really the going out together. Maybe if we lived closer to grandparents this would happen more, maybe not. It’s worth it though, and things will get better if you keep working on them (we had a dry spell in excess of a year after kid no. 1)

Supposing the thing that you really wanted to achieve was having kids, but you couldn’t have any until you’d achieved it…….

Brilliant, sex has dropped off a bit to twice a night instead of thrice, 8) we’re lifers, try to have fun and not take life too seriously, no one gets out alive. One daughter, who is now 23, just finished uni and now in employment doing a masters in genetics/chemistry woo woo type stuff, i’m very happy with my lot, been fun getting here.
Selling up soon and retiring to Wales, Mach X will be my door step ride and i thought it couldn’t get any better. 😀