Ok, so I used:
8mm allen key
Rubber mallet
2 bricks
A kettle of hot water

Can you figure out what component I removed from the bike?

A hedgehog.

Pedals

removed pedals – allen key and mallet

then you made a male camel drink some water – bricks.

then you had a cup of cocoa – kettle.

suspension bearing or maybe hope hub bearing.

Hardened cow pat?

Not quite pedals, but close. No bearings, either.

Bonus points if you can describe the type.

My mate once fitted a bottom bracket with a table leg so I’m going to guess grips.

handlebar from stem.

Race Face x-type cranks if not pedals.

XTR cranks?
Square taper cranks?

RaceFace cranks.

S/T Chainset?

+1 for RaceFace cranks.

Junkyard – lazarus

XTR cranks?
Square taper cranks?

Square taper cranks is correct!

Unscrew the bolt partially. Apply hot water to crank arm mounting hole. Rest bike using bolt on bricks. Take mallet to crank arm.

Garmin ‘out front’ mount? Or a bottle cage maybe, type planet-x carbon fibre.

What do I win?

edit: gutted I lost. Where do you buy ‘bolt on bricks’.

That’s the problem with square taper bb’s. You ride them day in day out through all conditions without ever thinking about them until 5 years after fitting it when it needs replacing.

I would have bought a crank extractor

Thankfully, applying hot water expands the metal enough to loosen it. Until I poured hot water on it wasn’t budging at all, and it wasn’t even a year since fitted.

I stripped my crank puller when I first attempted.

In that case I would have bought a better crank puller and learn to screw it in far enough.

Yep, been there. Last ditch crank removal when you’ve stripped the thread out.

Wrapping a rag around helps before poring the water over.

Back when I actually rode/fettled with bikes, one would just clip in and ride gingerly up and down the road until it came loose.

So what happened to the hedgehog?

And did Gingerly enjoy it?

I’d have just removed the bolts & gone for a few laps around the block, the crank will’ve worked loose itself (done this a few times on cranks where the extractor has stripped the threads

when cranks are really stuck you dont just keep winding on the crank extractor – even the best extractor will strip the threads.

you pre tension it with the extractor- then tap it on the rear with a deadblow plastic faced mallet , ive yet to see a combo that wont remove (unless its been pre fecked with by the customer)

Cranks can be tricky especially taper fit if they corrode on,I have seen an angle grinder used to attack them before!.

Someone’s kitchen you crashed into…