They all have moral solutions, I’m fairly confident of that.

Errm. Theres a problem there.

I’ve seen this type of story before.

Wifey gets her children, then wishes to forget how they were produced.
She just sits back for the ride. She has her children, which she will never lose (divorce). She has the bread winner, bringing home the wonga.
Why try ?.

Wheres the morality with what wifey is doing here ?.

I’m not comfortable with the sneaking around, but know enough that were the shoe on the other foot, no mercy would be shown, no morals would be exercised.
If you don’t believe that, then you haven’t met the women I have.
And so, for all you moralising lot, theres something for you to think about.
Alls fair……

Let the flaming and slagging off of the OP, continue.

There is no easy answer to this one mate, so i’m not going to offer any value judgments, you have to do all that for yourself. And i know **** all about banks – so no help their either. But all the best with it.

and i still think you’re a woman 😉

I know enough to know you are being utterly out of order

In your world.

Thats why I’m confused as to how this thread has reached two pages.

How can anyone here judge anyone else, when we all have differing standards

This thread is a total waste of time.

Carry on.

This thread is a monumental troll.

And a good one.

Like most people of my age about a third of the friends I’ve seen get married are now divorced. Some have handled it admirably with dignity, fiarness and a minimum of upset to the kids. Others have ended in acrimonious separations with the acrimony continuing. As a casual observer it seems that the more deceit and underhand acts that are crammed into the death throes of a relationship the more destructive the divorce.

Go your own ways if you don’t get on but try to avoid things that pour scorn on the dish. If my wife said “I’ve had enough of you!” I’d probably reply “I don’t know how you put up with me for so long, how can we sort this out for the best?”. But if she rang to say “I’ve left you, I’m shacking up with a fantastic screw, the place hasn’t be burgled I just took my stuff and I’ve organised my finanial independance”, my next move would be to hire the best divorce lawyer in town.

my next move would be to hire the best divorce lawyer in town

I reckon she would have beaten you to it 😉

Yossarian – it isn’t, wish it was.

momentum-2000 – indeed – and I just wanted practical advice – but that’s thread drift and forum-fundementalists for you.

Agree with TJ and EduKator.

Having bought two houses for women I didn’t like very much I know that your own dignity is vital. Not least when you meet “the right one”. And thank goodness I have now, but she would piddle off very quickly if I had been dishonest with a former partners no matter the provocation. And she wouldn’t trust me over anything.

The kids were 8 and 6 when I split with their mother (now 27 & 25) and they now tell me that they remember how I behaved (positively) and how she wasn’t consistent.

Buy Gold.

On a practical level, just how much money do you honestly think you could stash away without your wife knowing? To set yourself up in a new life you’ll need a deposit on a flat plus the first month in advance (bear in mind that you’ll need something decent if you want the kids to stay), maybe you’ll need another family car, you’re going to have additional rates, insurance etc to pay, there’s furniture to get – even cheap stuff isn’t that cheap. Face it: you’re going to be poor for a while.

Overall, the only way to deal with this is with some honesty. And be prepared to be quite a lot poorer for a considerable time to come – you’re now going to be running a second household. There will be legal bills. Your weekends will be impacted as you can’t do things every Sunday as you’ll hopefully have the kids every other weekend. This is going to be really hard work, and that’s leaving any elements of emotion out of it.

It strikes me that you’re really not thought this through – rather than worrying about the first few months, as you’re doing at the moment, you really need to be worrying about the first few years.

If, after considering all of that, you still want to go ahead, fair enough. But it still seems to me that you’re thinking with something other than your head. Just what will you do when the new light of your life sees you as a knackered, depressed, part-time father, who’s struggling to devote enough time to her and your kids (and the financial black hole that is divorce), and decides that you’re not quite the knight in shining armour that you at first appeared?

nickf – very fair and very helpful points – and I am expecting to get taken to the cleaners. You make some very very good points. And the potential new partner does already predict most of these rather better than me.

The net incomes of the three people involved in this mess are enough to make it unpleasant but doable. We have enough cars, furniture, kit and stuff. Perhaps too much.

But yes – this query is really about avoiding stopped cards for a week or so. And having a deposit and a few months rent.

Yossarian – it isn’t, wish it was.

Then act like a man rather than a pathetic snidey rat.

Sorry for being harsh like, but it needs saying.

It will all turn out the way you make it turn out. If you act honourable, truthfully and justly your kids will benefit and so will you and your ex wife. **** me do you really need to be told this? She’s probably better off with someone who doesn’t lie quite as much

you can lie about your money or more accurately not tell the truth when asked during financial disclosure. A recent test case shows it is invasion of privacy to trawl your bins/records for info apparently by your ex or their agents.

shoe box under the bed or invest it in bike frames 😆

Of all the posts on both these threads this is the one that says it all to me.

crikey – Member

Where to start…

I’ve been there and done that, and thankfully come out the other side and older and slightly wiser man.

1). Stop with all the ‘it’s her fault because’ rubbish. You’ve been the baddy, and until you face up to it and accept your responsibility you and any relationship you end up in isn’t worth anything.

2). Stop with all the ‘my kids are my priority’ rubbish. You have chosen to take a course of action that will upset and damage your kids and your relationship with them; if they really were your priority, you wouldn’t be shagging someone else.

3). Sit and imagine, just for a moment, the sound of your wife sobbing quietly at 3 am.

She’s sobbing quietly because she doesn’t want to wake you, she’s sobbing because everything that she thought was ok suddenly isn’t, the last 20 years have just been thrown away so you can have sex with someone else.

4). Imagine sitting in desperation at the top of the stairs listening to your children talking about not having a dad anymore because ‘he’s got a new girlfriend now’

5). Imagine getting a letter, written by your youngest son, that begs you to come home and includes a toy train because he thinks you will be happier if he shared his toys with you.

I had an affair, then left home to live with the woman, didn’t work out, so I ended up living out of a suitcase, drunk for 3 months.

In the end I went back and asked if we could start again, and I got lucky.

You know what you are doing is wrong, and that feeling will eat away at you forever, gradually destroying your sense of self and sense of self worth.

Your call; make the right one.

Lots Of advice – some good, some bad, lots of judgemental people on here. My advice is go with what feels right for you. Being in a relationshiP for the sake of the children won’t work. You will be miserable, and family will pick up on this in no time at all… NOthing worse than living a ‘what if’ life

Heartbreaking, TJ, it really is.

I think it must be a really shitty situation for you, and almost impossible to deal with. But for some reason I struggle to feel any empathy for you, and I can’t put my finger on why. I read through the other thread again and if I’m honest, I can’t seem to find any real sorrow or regret. I don’t feel that your posting for advice – more for the purposes of declaring your intentions with, dare I say, defiance?

I don’t think that could be the case. I truly hope not. I’d probably cut my losses, and maybe demonstrate a little more sincerity, because it’s probably too emotive a subject to expect real impartiality from a frequently partisan audience.

Good luck though. I feel you’re going to need it.

I know the OP (he spoke to me and a mate a couple of weeks ago), so firstly I can assure you it’s not a troll and I’m fairly sure he’s a man (we’re not that close).

Mate, this is also an alias as I’m not sure what email address is safe to contact you, but I’m sure you can guess who it is – I’m the taller of the two you told!

No real advice except to consider counselling/mediation as it can make the split much more amicable and therefore cheaper for both of you! It certainly worked for me with my recent split (no-one else involved on either side) and I wish I had used it when my marriage ended (when she had an affair).

The other thing to say is if you want a chat at any point with someone who is pretty remote from it all then give me a shout and we’ll go for a ride/beer.

Morris

but would need to set up a different account – with a different Bank/Building Society and with no telephone calls or correspondence to my home. I can use the office address.

Welcome to the world of Mareva Injunctions! Even better that you are going to hide it in a business account so your wife can cripple not only your personal accounts but also your business as well!

Well thought out that chap!

TandemJeremy – Member

Of all the posts on both these threads this is the one that says it all to me.

crikey – Member

Where to start…

I’ve been there and done that, and thankfully come out the other side and older and slightly wiser man.

1). Stop with all the ‘it’s her fault because’ rubbish. You’ve been the baddy, and until you face up to it and accept your responsibility you and any relationship you end up in isn’t worth anything.

2). Stop with all the ‘my kids are my priority’ rubbish. You have chosen to take a course of action that will upset and damage your kids and your relationship with them; if they really were your priority, you wouldn’t be shagging someone else.

3). Sit and imagine, just for a moment, the sound of your wife sobbing quietly at 3 am.

She’s sobbing quietly because she doesn’t want to wake you, she’s sobbing because everything that she thought was ok suddenly isn’t, the last 20 years have just been thrown away so you can have sex with someone else.

4). Imagine sitting in desperation at the top of the stairs listening to your children talking about not having a dad anymore because ‘he’s got a new girlfriend now’

5). Imagine getting a letter, written by your youngest son, that begs you to come home and includes a toy train because he thinks you will be happier if he shared his toys with you.

I had an affair, then left home to live with the woman, didn’t work out, so I ended up living out of a suitcase, drunk for 3 months.

In the end I went back and asked if we could start again, and I got lucky.

You know what you are doing is wrong, and that feeling will eat away at you forever, gradually destroying your sense of self and sense of self worth.

Your call; make the right one.

Blimey, this made me feel bad and I’ve been faithful for 20 odd years !

shooterman errr… no I am not. Personal not business account. Never the twain shall meet. And the idea is no more than to keep liquid if an when I move on. All money details shall be given absolutely transparently to my wife. As I have already said. Above.

But thanks to a few of the earlier posters – some useful info.

Yep – I am the total bad guy here – and strangely – I get that. But for every post on the other thread like Crikey’s one, there was someone coming from the other direction, from a situation where moving on was the right thing for all concerned.

Thanks Morris – yep – already looking at mediation as a way forwards if I go down this road, and I will probably share a beer with you sometime to learn some stuff from you.

What is most educational to me from this thread however is TJs attitude and hitting of the same nail again with an increasingly large hammer. Interesting because it is so like the way I have behaved on another forum where I am one of the more opinionated frequent posters. Learnt a humbling lesson there – thanks.

desparategit – I am sorry for that because I do realise you must be hurting. But I did get angry. Maybe should not have but its the deceit – it really gets to me.

Either stay or go but do one or the other quickly and wholeheartedly

I will wish you luck.

Not wanting to get into the morality of what you are doing i think what you need is a spanish bank account!

Carry on with the bashing…

If you go foriegn then you need to go beyond the EU as most countries now hand over account details to foreign tax inspectors. Until you are divorced your wife will have access to anything the tax authorities have on file on you under European laws on access to information stored on computer that concerns you. Cash is king.

you wont be able to set up, open an account to a work address, thats a fact you can however re direct an acccount to an alternative address ( when lived/ worked in eastern europe i gave my credit cards an hotel address in budapest and all my mail was sent there.

either way time to ditch the shady stuff .. man up and walk.. the weight of the world will disappear when you do..