In full riding kit this morning, half asleep, I nip into the toilet to get changed (single room, single throne arrangement). The lock shows green so I burst in as usual only to find a colleague on his phone, mid dump, with an aroma that rates as ‘did something just die in here’ on the poo-stench scale. I properly clattered his knees with the door as well (it’s tiny bog/sink only room) and I’m certain I scared the rest of the s**t out of him!

Not looking forward to bumping into him in the kitchen if I’m honest!

I’ve got a rough day coming up too so hit me with your awkward colleague encounters…

Opposite way round for me: the cleaner at work came into the staff shower/loo (which i forgot to lock) to change the binliner just in time to find me wrestling my way out of my bibshorts. It’s been six months and I can just about look him in the eye now. 😆

Not work colleague but single trap mixed use toilets at Bourton on the Water, trap 1 green vacant sign on the lock, opened door to be greeted by an old woman, apologised and went to next ‘vacant’ trap and this time there was an old bloke in there, is it soooooooo difficult to follow the instructions on the inside of the door showing you that a simple lift of the handle locks the door, old people can be rubbish some times…

A chap in my place just leaves the door open. So nice.

I get changed in a mixed-sex toilet. Opened the door one morning on a topless woman. Difficult. I still had to apologise profusely even though she hadnt locked the door

Walked in on one of my employees a couple of months ago. I can still see his sad puppy-dog eyes looking at me as if to say ‘Ohhh, I wish I’d locked that door’.

And once had the owner of a B&B walk in on me in similar circumstances when she thought we’d gone out for the day.

seen loads of my colleagues in the work pool changing room/ gym showers. still weird.

^ only if you were looking through a hole in the wall

I opened the electric door on a train to find a middle-aged lady on the throne. I don’t know who was more mortified. Kids waiting outside thought it was funny.

I was lucky enough recently to be in the south of France in a lovely restaurant on a pier. I went in and used the facilities and burst in on a well dressed English woman who asked me to not tell anyone about it until I got back to the UK! WTF!?

eds – that happens lots with some new trains – there’s one button to electronically close the door and another to lock it but people assume closing it also locks it.

As we’re a little off topic already I was having a shower in a very downmarket Moscow hotel when the old cleaning lady simply walked in to the bathroom and began cleaning with not a care in the world that someone was there, butt naked covered in soap. She looked very unhappy when I asked to wait until I’d finished.

Pretty much just toilet related incidents then 🙂

When I was at school I got a Summer holiday job working for Gleeson’s on the new M40 between Thame and Stokenchurch. I was an assistant to the civil engineers and we had been allocated a locker room, which was next to the reception area in the Portakabins. After I’d been there a few days one of the other lads showed me the secret of the JCB poster – if you lifted the bottom of the huge JCB poster on the wall there was a hole through which you could see straight up the miniskirt of the receptionist next door.

So one day I came back from a busy morning setting out bridges and thought I’d have a gliff before eating my sandwiches. I lifted the poster, got down and looked through…. to see an eye looking back at me! SHEEEEIT! There was a commotion next door and I heard a woman’s voice shouting “It was that one with the glasses!” then a couple of minutes later the works manager burst in demanding to know who had made the hole. I stammered that it had been there before I joined and he just yelled “Get it fookin’ covered up!” then strode off. The shame, the shame!

Still, I taught myself to drive on the M40 in the engineer’s Mk1 Escort van. It was two weeks before I summoned up the courage to change to second gear, at which point life became quite a lot less boring as some of the distances were huge in first gear…..

Standard accidentally calling my boss dad. They now think I have unresolved father issues…

i live with my colleagues, and we all work relatively odd/flexible hours.

we’ve all had to give a very quick ‘DON’T COME IN!’ when female ‘friends’ have been visiting.

On my first day at current employer, a co-worker was showing me the nearby places to get lunch. We were heading out and had to sign out at reception. At this point he instigated some small talk with the receptionist:

Awkward IT guy: ‘Good weekend?’
Receptionist: ‘It was the first anniversary of my husband’s death, so I sat at home and got drunk.’
Awkward IT guy: ‘Oh, um, sometimes it’s good to er, …quite cathartic.’
Receptionist: ‘Quite what?’
Awkward IT guy: ‘Cathartic’
Receptionist: *looks confused*
Awkward IT guy: ‘Cathartic. It means, um like a release…’
Receptionist: *looks confused*
Awkward IT guy: *long pause* ‘OK, er, bye.’

Meanwhile I’m frantically pressing the door release button. Absolutely the most cringewothy exchange I’ve ever encountered.

Thankfully, I work at client sites, so I’m never in the office.

Also: walked in on someone having a dump at previous employer. I don’t recommend it.

I walked in on the butty boy bringing up a HUGE!! Green goz into the gaffers fried egg muffin, made me feel a tad queezy tbh..
Watching the gaffer eat it was worse, I’d have warned anyone else but he was a right tosser!!….
Moral of the story is…don’t bully the butty boy…

Not looking forward to bumping into him in the kitchen if I’m honest!

Hopefully it’ll just be a number one, not a number two…

Was at a bar in the US once, on a work trip to up state New York, near Buffalo. The ‘pot’ was not in a cubicle, it was just sat in the middle of the bathroom, near the urinal. On a plinth. In front of the main door. Single door.

Every time someone went to the loo and the door flapped, you had a clear view of the pot. I started off thinking “Don’t need a poo, don’t need a poo, don’t need a poo…” then realised, anyone else going would be almost as bad as we’d have line of sight. Even needing a piss was bad enough – what if someone used the pot at the same time.

We drank up, moved to the next bar and rushed to the toilet. Nothing was said, nothing needed to be…

Went on a bike ride with derekstarship of this parish and another colleague. Got back to my house for a brew and a biscuit and the other colleague stripped naked in my back garden and washed his balls under the outside tap. 😯

A colleague of mine, lets call him Clive, was always fine with me, but had a very definite TEMPER ( as in a starting fights in rough pubs TEMPER ) I had seen him all but rip a door off the wall because he was asked to do something first thing in the morning by the IT Director who he didn’t like.

He also had a son, Bob who worked with us. Bob was a great guy, but had had a rather strange upbringing.

At a quiet moment, when the department, sans Clive, were out for a Friday afternoon drink, Bob pops up with “My Dad squeaks”.

A collective “Eh?”

“He squeaks.”

“Eh?? What do you mean he squeaks ?”

“My mum says that when he’s having a **** ( sherman ), he makes a squeaking sound”

” ??”

** silence **

No one ever mentioned it again, ever.

when he’s having a ****

Drink?

Pee?

Heart attack?

Does he dress like this whilst squeaking and having a ****?

Drink?

Pee?

Heart attack?

More clear now, hopefully without upsetting the swear filter.

More clear now, hopefully without upsetting the swear filter.

Does it rhyme with an item of mobile artillery?

Dirty.

Sitting alone in a computer training room eating a yoghurt, dropped yoghurt on lap then floor, big mess, went and got bog roll, boss walks in to find me with my back to him rubbing my crotch area, lots of used bog roll lying around, and a white gooey liquid on the floor. He said good morning, and walked out again. Nothing was ever said.

Was also sleeping under one of the desks in the same room on another occasion. Two colleagues walked in a and started having a gossip sessions unaware I was there. Couldn’t decide whether to try and stay hidden and risk being found, or just get up. I chose the latter, got out from under the desk, said something about loosing something, and left. Nothing was ever said.

A mate of a mate once got very, very drunk and confessed that he used to dress ‘himself’ up in his little sisters’ Barbie clothes before having a, er ‘squeak’.

The best thing is that he’d forgotten that he’d told everyone, so couldn’t understand why he was suddenly rechristened Ken.

Not work but a friend of mine came home from work early and walked into the bathroom to find is cleaner cleaning the shower naked. 😯

It sounds like a pron movie script but she was a few years over the hill to be in that industry.

Slightly off topic but I’ve two tales of woe:-

First one was when I worked in a small unit in Milton Keynes. It was a posh office, staffed by scientists and doctors. Went off to the gents one day and found, in the only trap, a log the size of a telegraph pole, neatly encrusted with sweetcorn. It really was massive.

It was so disturbing I went and got another colleague to come and look at it just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.

Between us we worked out whos it must have been, and it’s fair to say we could not look that individual in the eye again.

Second one was riding in the Alps. I was pottering down the GR5 towards Les Linderets and stopped after a rocky outcrop. I just fancied a breather and to admire the view.

After a few seconds I smell something bad and look around. There’s a reet fat lass taking a dump on the side of the trail – obscured by the rocks I’d just ridden past.

I said hello, sniggered, and road off.

Pulled into a car park of one of the forests near me, parked up next to two cars. Got out at the same time one of the directors and a (female) colleague got out of their respective cars.

Gave a cheery hello and they both got back in (saying nothing) and sat there while I got ready and cycled off.

Glad it wasn’t 5 minutes later tbh!

Between us we worked out whos it must have been,

*how*?!

taking a dump on the side of the trail

A few mates of mine was walking along a path in Chamonix, rounded a corner to discover a French guy with his trollies round his ankles, squatting to lay a cable in the middle of the path. The chap looked up when he heard them, gave them a cheery “salut!” and a little wave, not a care in the world.

I did once come across an old lady taking a pee beside a local trail late one evening.

No, not THAT sort of come across.

I used to build Narrowboats. We pretty much had a boat each that we would fit out from metal shell to completion. The days would drag and I would quite often have a little afternoon lie down in one of the beds (I made myself) in the back cabins while listening to the radio.

This one time I must have been a little more weary than I thought as I had apparently fallen asleep and awoke with a start to the sound of my manager asking what the frig I was doing…
‘Ummm…..just trying to get at this awkward bit under here, honest Guv!’…
😕

I have twice walked in on my Brother-in-law’s girlfriend while she has been changing… Thankfully they’ve now split up so there’s no risk that I’ll do it once more and create a trend.

Where I used to work we had a colleague who couldn’t aim his arse at the pan, and also couldn’t work the flush – the number of times you went in there to be greeted by horror was quite disturbing. It happened so frequently that we eventually narrowed it down to about 3 people by process of elimination on who was in the office.

It is also amazing how many men aren’t aware that their genitals come equipt with multi-directional functionality… Either that or there are lots of guys with tiny willys who therefore don’t have the scope to aim them.

Brother-in-law’s girlfriend

your sister? 😯

I once walked in on my wife’s best mate as she was getting undressed for bed.

Unfortunately I was very drunk and have absolutely no recollection of it whatsoever.

Had just started uni 20years ago and was registering at the dr’s…

Dr:so do you lead a healthy lifestyle?
Me:I suppose so
Dr:Diet?
Me:Quite a healthy one but obviously curries after a few beers, a few fried cooked breakfasts when Im in the mood etc etc
Dr:Any heart conditions running in the family?
Me:Not that I’m aware of
Dr:Blood pressure problems in family?
Me:Not that I know of
Dr:Drugs?
Me:Well I went out saturday night and had a few e’s, and some speed Dr:I meant prescription drugs……..

She was young and attractive and saw the funny side!! Had a good honest dr/patient relationship with her after that, broke the ice so to speak!

I was having a rather delicious turd at work when I suddenly had the uneasy feeling that someone was watching me. I looked up, and there were two eyes peeking over the top of the cubicle. As I was mid way through, I didn’t get the chance to chase them and find out who the dirty cretin was.

Just finished a satisfying tip out in the gents at work, managed to drop the whole pony roll on the floor, and watched horrified as it bounced under the door and out of reach. I could hear someone was at the sinks so, cringing, I politely asked if they could pass it back. There was a bit of a pause, then a hand appeared with the roll, and I heard the managing director’s voice say ‘here you go, I was just waiting for the andrex puppy’.