Ditch partner, go out with 17 year old daughter, get you ex to run around after both of you.
Start having loud sex with your new partner.
I haven't read all of it, did the OP say how long it's gone on? Sounds like the daughter is set in spoilt brat mode for some time to come.
Don't forget, daughter could still be living at home in ten years. When you have your own place mum can come round to visit, if the relationship is that strong. If not you'll know. So either make the tremendous investment in time, emotion and commitment or get started somewhere new.
It's a bit harsh telling the OP to man up etc.
We're not living his life and it sounds as if he's very unhappy.
If leaving your partner will improve your life, do it and do it quick
based on what he'd said there was no indication of issues with his good lady so no he shouldnt leave, #they# should take responsibility for the position they have agreed to be in, that includes agreeing an approach on the daughter. Running away from it is a piss poor answer unless there is a fundamental issue with the mum. man up.
Hang on, they've already tried to agree on an approach with the daughter and he keeps getting ****ed over. He isn't married and hasn't signed any contract, he is free to do whatever he wants. Sticking around and making himself miserable just to save others from misery is barking mad. It's not even "manning up", quite the opposite. Putting up with it in silence is just being a weak willed sap.
If you truly love your other half, I would suggest that you'd find a way to work this out, and if she truly loves you, she should be more proactive with her daughter.
This.
It's a meeting in the middle. Life as a stepfamily involves compromises on all sides. In fact, life as a family does - I've got plenty of friends who disagree with their SO on parenting matters even when they are both bio parents, and it can cause real friction.
People who think the OP should just "man up" probably haven't been step-parents. It's stressful, especially if you don't get the support from your partner, and they make no effort to understand how their child/ren's behaviour impacts you. Sometimes, even if the parent cannot do anything about the situation, then listening and understanding their partner's point of view goes a long way. But many parents are not prepared to hear things about their children that aren't 100% positive, or act upon bad behaviour, for a variety of reasons (divorce guilt being a number one reason).
littlemisspanda - MemberIf you truly love your other half, I would suggest that you'd find a way to work this out, and if she truly loves you, she should be more proactive with her daughter.
This.
It's a meeting in the middle. Life as a stepfamily involves compromises on all sides. In fact, life as a family does - I've got plenty of friends who disagree with their SO on parenting matters even when they are both bio parents, and it can cause real friction.
People who think the OP should just "man up" probably haven't been step-parents. It's stressful, especially if you don't get the support from your partner, and they make no effort to understand how their child/ren's behaviour impacts you. Sometimes, even if the parent cannot do anything about the situation, then listening and understanding their partner's point of view goes a long way. But many parents are not prepared to hear things about their children that aren't 100% positive, or act upon bad behaviour, for a variety of reasons (divorce guilt being a number one reason).
I'd wager that the Mother's love for her daughter glosses over a fair bit of her spoilt behaviour, blind eyes and all that.
The OP's problem is that he doesn't have this paternal bond, and her actions piss him off.
As you say compromise, and stick at it if you truly love each other, otherwise bugger off and let her and you find the right person.
Difficult for sure.
he is free to do whatever he wants
Umm.. yes but there's another person involved isn't there? His partner.
Or is she not important?
the OP has my sympathy and it might sound harsh saying man up but too many people here were saying to walk away and live his own life. Selfish. There are indeed two other lives involved here, walking away is the easy option but the OP is the one who knows if it is the right option.
Umm.. yes but there's another person involved isn't there? His partner.
She's part of the problem if you ask me (I know you didn't).
The long and short is being with this woman makes him miserable because she hasn't raised her daughter well. The partner has shown that she won't/can't do anything about it, so it seems to me that it's stalemate.
I agree that it's a slight over-reaction to the daughters behaviour but it's obviously upsetting him. We all have different triggers/annoyances.
FFS he doesn't owe them anything and it's not his responsibility to make sure they are happy to the detriment of his own mental well being. It's not being selfish, it's common sense.
When it's say me and daughter on our own it's fine we talk like adults. She asks me if I need anything doing etc and me same for her. And she is a bright kid. But when we''re all in the way she talks to her mum when asked to do something by her is disgusting. And I get the back lash of their arguments which annoys me.
This is the first time I've been in a relationship with a partner with teenage kids as opposed to young kids etc.
I would put my life on the line to protect both partner and daughter. Maybe a lot of it is stemming from my boredom of only doing a two day working week at moment and being stuck in the house.
I would put my life on the line to protect both partner and daughter. Maybe a lot of it is stemming from my boredom of only doing a two day working week at moment and being stuck in the house.
And there you've said the answer yourself. Change that and I bet things will look a lot better. Even if you just get out for a ride/walk a few times a week.
Try it before throwing the towel in as you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain IMO.
FFS he doesn't owe them anything and it's not his responsibility to make sure they are happy
If it's a serious relationship, then he does and it is.
if nowt changes I'm leaving
I would put my life on the line
you've contradicted yourself, clearly its not an easy position, it sounds like you want to stay to me, but you threaten to leave as a bargaining chip. It sounds like you need to do some serious thinking and decide how much these two mean to you and take it from there.
I agree a break from the stress would help enourmously (get out on the bike, back to work) and maybe youre just too close to see the wood for the trees.
Good luck... break a leg doesnt seem the right thing to say 😉
As a parting shot from me. [b][u]I can think of a million good reasons to leave a partner. This is not one of them.[/u] [/b]
I think a lot of the OP is just letting off steam and getting it off his chest. I had to do the same otherwise I'd exploded in a ball of rage back then. (I did a few times and it wasn't nice for any of us!).
If it's a serious relationship, then he does and it is.
If they are doing nothing to make sure he's happy, it's not a serious relationship.
She's a teenager. It's what they do. Deal with it.
I think a lot of the OP is just letting off steam and getting it off his chest.
You mean he's not going to take the advice of random strangers on the internet on whether he should leave his partner ? 🙂
Would it be possible for you and the step daughter to share the house work if your partner is working. On this basis she does it one day you do it the next. On her housework day you could get out on the bike etc. ...Makes you feel good and gives the step daughter some space and responsibility. How is your partner getting on with her daughter when you are working? . As I said good luck
[b]hora[/b] - Member
As a parting shot from me. [b]I can think of a million good reasons to leave a partner. This is not one of them.[/b]
This.
As a father of three daughters now 25, 22 and 19 I can say it's not easy when they are your own, never mind the step child dynamic. As posted above by someone perhaps the daughter is jealous of her mum's relationship with you, perhaps she's still angry at her mum for splitting up, perhaps she's just 17, perhaps all of these and more. I agree totally with @hora don't bail for this reason if you love your partner.
Another no good man thinks a woman is going to put him before her child, at the end of the day to the girl you're just some man that's ****ing her mum.
If you are a decent human being you will except that's the way it is and be grate full you're with her mum, or if you're just another worthless man you will leave.
Men like you are the reason I don't date men.
3dvgirl well said.
When it's say me and daughter on our own it's fine we talk like adults. She asks me if I need anything doing etc and me same for her. And she is a bright kid. But when we''re all in the way she talks to her mum when asked to do something by her is disgusting. And I get the back lash of their arguments which annoys me.
If you guys can talk like adults, maybe you could sit her down at some point and have a conversation about how it upsets you to hear her speak that way to her mum. Maybe ask her what it is that makes her do it - even, is she aware of how she sounds?
I had my moments as a teen for sure, but if I was rude or spoke inappropriately to either parent, their partners would have pulled me up on it, if it happened in front of them.
I always said to my ex-partner, if I am sharing the same space as your kid, then I have some say in what behaviour is and is not acceptable in our home. Parenting decisions, such as what school kiddo went to, or health treatment, etc, were totally left to the parents, but I said, if you want me to live with you, then house rules are my domain as well. If I got the "don't tell me how to raise my kid" I've give him the "don't expect me to live with your kid then". Harsh? Maybe. But as pointed out above, I didn't have the parental blinkers on. If parents don't want to compromise on these things, they either don't hook up with anyone until their kids are grown and flown, or they at least don't get their partner to move in. Unfortunately, that's the reality of post-separation parenting, and relationships, and the minefield that is.
Being rude to anyone, adults or otherwise, is not OK. In the real world, she won't be able to speak to her boss like that, or colleagues (ha - well she can try, but woe betide her if she gets a colleague or boss like me!)
Another no good man thinks a woman is going to put him before her child, at the end of the day to the girl you're just some man that's * her mum.
You know what? My step-parents were both lovely people. I was happy they made my parents happy, because f knows they were miserable when they were married to each other, and my step-parents were nice to me. I say were, as one has now passed away and my dad split up with his 2nd wife (now on to the 3rd). Their money contributed to the household, it bought me stuff I needed and wanted. I could talk to them if I had problems. But I was not allowed to treat them or my own parents like crap.
If you mean that a parent expecting good behaviour from their child, help around the house from a damn near grown adult, and for everyone in the house to be treated with respect, and that's "putting a man before your child" then no wonder there are so many spoilt entitled little brats out there is all I can say.
Not all men are scumbags, let's just clear that up.
+1. I act like a complete dick online/on this forum a fair bit but in real like I understand my responsibility for being a Dad AND a good partner. I grew up when I was still in my 20's.
"Don't tell me how to raise my kid" is simply a defence statement in an argument. Most pepole are happy to talk about raising their kids and will take advice and ideas from other people, in a supportive open conversation.
If you mean that a parent expecting good behaviour from their child, help around the house from a damn near grown adult, and for everyone in the house to be treated with respect, and that's "putting a man before your child" then no wonder there are so many spoilt entitled little brats out there is all I can say.
Just because some one is 18 don't mean they stop being that persons child.
3dvgirl - MemberAnother no good man thinks a woman is going to put him before her child
You didn't appear to recognize the parent-daughter commitment and support in your thread titled :
"ex just turned up with parents, ffs"
He has in no way asked to be put before the kid. He's only wanted a bit of respect between all parties (particularly between mother and daughter). He is in no way worthless if he decides to leave a toxic environment which is causing him distress. I'm not saying that he's not over reacting to teenage behaviour, but he feels what he feels.
Calling a man worthless and no-good just for doing right by himself is disgusting and shameful. He's not married and he's not a parent, he's not signed a contract and should not feel tied to people who make him unhappy.
Just because some one is 18 don't mean they stop being that persons child.
No, they don't. But the expectations of behaviour/responsibility tend to go up as the child approaches adulthood.
Just saying, not tolerating being treated like rubbish/a skivvy by your own children doesn't make you a bad parent. If it does, then mine both suck! 😆
He has in no way asked to be put before the kid. He's only wanted a bit of respect between all parties (particularly between mother and daughter). He is in no way worthless if he decides to leave a toxic environment which is causing him distress. I'm not saying that he's not over reacting to teenage behaviour, but he feels what he feels.
Calling a man worthless and no-good just for doing right by himself is disgusting and shameful. He's not married and he's not a parent, he's not signed a contract and should not feel tied to people who make him unhappy.
That's whats wrong with the world, to many people take the easy way out.
.
That's whats wrong with the world, to many people take the easy way out.
Or alternatively, too many stick around in rubbish relationships where they aren't happy. A toxic environment is going to damage everyone in it... eventually.
Teenagers are awful, I know, I used to be one...
Easy has nothing to do with it IMHO.
If nothing changes, the OP could be miserable and angry for years and end up resentful and bitter. That's not good for anyone. The fact that he's considering ending a seemingly well established relationship demonstrates just how much it's affecting him, however arbitrary his reasons may seem to us.
Life is too short to be miserable, why live somewhere you are unhappy. Move out, get your own place and continue the relationship on that basis. Nothing to stop you still being part of teenagers life and having some positive influence as a result. Continue as you are now and you're on a hiding for nothing, will end up losing your rag and end up single anyway.
You didn't appear to recognize the parent-daughter commitment and support in your thread titled :
"ex just turned up with parents, ffs"
Well played ernie
That's whats wrong with the world, to many people take the easy way out.
Another point you did not make in that same thread
Men like you are the reason I don't date men.
TBH had a man said this about women with a similar tone i imagine you would be calling him names,rightly. for his lack of respect of your gender
Hatred rarely leads to happiness.
junkyard I feel the hate..
The wonderful thing about women is - they're all different. That gives me comfort.
slowoldgit - Member
The wonderful thing about women is - they [s]'re[/s] all have breasts [s]different.[/s] [s]That[/s] they give[s]s[/s] me comfort.
boobs vary too
Is she fit?
I instinctively went to type this. Finger's hovered above the keyboard... then bottled it.
Sounds to me like you're blowing things way out of proportion.
Could've been worse, you could have been in my step-Dad's shoes.
My Mum left my Dad when I was 3 years old, My step-Dad has been around since I was almost 6. I have an older sister (24) and an older brother (26)
Not once did he threaten to leave my Mum over the fact I was basically a 'devil' child haha, He stuck around whilst I constantly got myself into trouble, in and out of school, which eventually ended up with me being permanently excluded from school in year 9 and doing home tuition, which I never did. Fair few home calls from the police and even being arrested when I was 15 for fighting and using a weapon (One of the most stupid things I did) Always supported my Mum whilst I was going through tests for ADHD. Basically I was a proper little c*nt.
The best thing my Mum ever did was leave my Dad and marry my step-Dad. Does your partner support you and give you 'rights' to tell the daughter what's what and so on? Does she agree with your thoughts?
I really can't imagine it's 'THAT' bad...
I now work with my Step-Dad but he still thinks I'm a w*nker 😉
junkyard I feel the hate..
I dont hate you I pity you for your hatred and the hurt you carry with you
I can see why you attacked me though rather than reflected. I doubt anything i say will help or appear as anything other than a goad but it is not meant as such
The problems not with me and her daughter or me and her mum. The issue is the way she speaks to her mum. I'm scared of causing a big rift by saying. Show your mother some respect. As her dad is a useless prick who contributes nothing. I can't deal with arguments as it brings back memories of me being the teenager on the recieving end of my mum's partner.
I don't think I can stand the abuse her mum gets of the daughter.
