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When I was young I used to pray to God that my parents would buy me a new bicycle.
Then I learned how the world works, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness.
Man walks into a Swedish chemists.Can I have some deodorant please?
Certainly sir, says the assistant, Ball or aerosol?
Neither, says the man, it's for under my arms.
Heh, that's an actual sketch. Pre-Python John Cleese and, er, Mel Smith I think. (Not The Nine O'Clock News? Maybe.)
Two Ronnie's sketch. Swedish man goes into chemist etc iirc.
talking of old jokes, here's one for you over 40's.
I entered a Marathon once.
It was horrible, I got peanuts all over my kn*b 😳
I snickered at that
😀
It WAS Not the Nine o'clock News
I got invited to the Premature Ejaculators Annual Ball so I phoned them up to ask them the dress code.
"Just come in your pants" was the reply.
What do you call an underground train full of professors?
A tube of smarties.
It WAS Not the Nine o'clock News
Aha! I had the right show but the wrong performer; Rowan Atkinson not JC.
Got lucky down the pub the other night & took a bird back home to her place.
Ended up giving her one on the kitchen table when I heard a key going in the front door lock.
"Quick" says the bird "try the back door!!"
In hindsight I should have just legged it but you don't get an offer like that everyday 🙂
My mate asked if I would run a sponsored marathon, I said no chance. He said it was for blind kids, I thought... I could win this.
Courtesy of Frankie Boyle, that one.
crispy bacon - Member
Got lucky down the pub the other night etc.
Must be the week for it; me too.
She was in her mid-fifties but was really well presented and she took me back to her place.
After a bit of fumbling about she asked me if I fancied some mother/daughter action.
Rock on I thought, let's give this a go and so I said yes.
She got up, went to the foot of the stairs and shouted 'MOTHER!"
Dates back further than Boyle, I think. He might have the harsher version of it.
I knew this girl who really wanted a monkey (haven't you always wanted a monkey?) so she phoned her dad up and asked for the money to buy a bicycle, because she knew he wouldn't give her the cash for a monkey.
He sent her the money and she bought her monkey and they were very happy. They went for walks in the park, played games, ate and slept together (not like that) and everything was going great until one day the monkey got ill.
It was off its food and generally lethargic and then its fur started coming out in big clumps. Distraught, she phoned her dad.
"Dad! All the hair's coming out of my monkey! What should I do?"
"Stop riding the damn bike!" he replied.
I've taken up cage fighting and am pleased to say I won my first fight. ****ing budgie never knew what hit it.
Some friends recently returned from a trip to Transyllvania.
They were overjoyed to get a guided tour of Count Draculas castle.
Unfortunately, the museum and cafe were closed as they were undergoing a re-vamp.
My colleague has fallen head over heels in love with a young lady he met at a Beatles themed party.
He was dressed as a walrus/ egg-man and she as Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
I recently saw them together down the local and to be honest, I haven't the faintest idea what he sees in her...
My poor old granddad was killed by a Zulu
A wall fell on him while having a dump at Whipsnade
Two mountain bikers were looking at their dream bikes in a bike shop window. "That's the one I'd get".
A passing cyclops smashed his head in
Why are all the jokes about bass players one-liners?So drummers can understand them.
You need to be careful making jokes about drummers.
There will inevitably be re-percussions.
6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
A new pound shop has opened near Harry Potter world it's called Quidditch.
Paddy and Murphy are looking for a job so visit the jobcentre. While there one of the women does a quick search and say oh yes we have a job here for tree fellers. Paddy says, thats no good theres only 2 of us.
Man goes into the butchers and asks for a pound of kiddlies, the butcher replies do you mean kidneys? The man says, thats what I said diddle I?
mildbore - Member
Two mountain bikers were looking at their dream bikes in a bike shop window. "That's the one I'd get".
A passing cyclops smashed his head in
I don't get it. Is this an in joke?
I git it. (Geddit?)
That's the one eyed g*t.
Waiter in Japanese restaurant asks customer if he would like any wasabi.
Wasabi? Replies the man
It's rike a wasp, says the waiter.
Stevie Wonder playing packed out gig, hears a voice call from the crowd...'play a jazz chord'
Impressed with this unusual request, Stevie plays a complex chord, his fingers stretching across the keys.
No, the voice calls back. Play 'a jazz chord, to say, I love you'
... and those who understand ternary.
They've been gulled.
They've been gulled.... and those who understand ternary.
*insert slow-hand flap here*
What do you get if you cross a river with a bicycle
Wet feet
My mates got himself a dog.
One of its unusual traits is to wag its tail in perfect time to music, especially when my mates playing ac/dc.
Sounds like a very special dog, I said.
"Yeah, it's a rock and roll Dalmatian."
I've just been accused of being 'a plagiarist'.... Their words not mine.
My new thesaurus is crap.
Or to put it another way, it's crap.
My son has had an offer to study politics at an East Yorkshire University. He needs ACDC.
He's on a highway to Hull.
All the hair's coming out of my monkey
I'm in tears here
What's another word for thesaurus?
Midgets and short people have very little in common.
I made a thing. And I'm very sorry.
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Red tarmac, green tarmac and black tarmac go into a pub. Landlord shouts over 'I'm not serving him, he's a bloody cyclepath!'