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[i]
we had a er... shall we say 'not so bright' lad at work who didnt really understand this joke and tried to tell it to someone else in front of us.
punchline? "its like a chicken tikka but a bit hotter". he thought we were all p1ssing ourselves at the joke[/i]
"It's two nuns in a bath all over again"
(Courtesy of the League of Gentlemen)
Ten Scottish cows in a field.
Which one's the Arab? - Coo Eight.
Which one's on holiday? - The wan wi' the wee calf.
Which one's a Musketeer? - The dark tan yin.
Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo
OK if we're doing all the old music jokes again (which we are)...
Did you hear about the Yorkshire music teacher who called his dog Grieg because it used to Peer Gynt Suite?
Courtesy of my almost 6 year old
Q. What's the most painfullest bird in the world?
A. An Owwwwwwwwwwl
TM
On the accent theme - this is a Brummie joke....
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo
**
A man rides into a Maserati garage but was sent out for having dirty MTB kit on
**
Dai and Hamish walked into a rugby thread and ordered some fish
[i]On the accent theme - this is a Brummie joke....[/i]
Noddy Holder in the tailors during the 1970's.
Tailor: And would sir like a kipper tie to go with his new shirt?
Noddy: Oooh, yes please - white two sugars.
What's the most common owl in Britain?
The Teat Owl.
Good one wwaswas - another for the Brummie collection
A boy goes into a music shop and asks the shop assistant for a mouth organ." That's funny" says the shop assistant " we had a little girl in earlier asking for one".." Oh yeah " says the boy " that'll be our Monica".
I got invited to a spice party in Birmingham last week.
I went as sporty spice, everyone else was dressed as an astronaut
Teacher in a classroom. Says to the kids " what kind of noise does a cow make", little johnny puts his hand up, " moooo miss" he says.
" Very good Johnny", " so what noise does a sheep make, class?"
Little johnny puts his hand up again " baaaaa miss"
"Very good Johnny" says the teacher, " so what noise does a pig make class?"
Little Johnny puts his hand up again. " go on then Johnny," says the teacher
" DROP THE TV MUTHA ****A" says Johnny.
A string theorist is caught "in flagrante delicto" by his wife.
"But darling", he says, "I can explain everything".
Fella walks into a posh bakery...
''I'll have that Black Forest Gattox in the window please''
'"Actually, sir, it's pronounced 'Gateaux' and its £11.99''
'"11.99!!? Well Bolleaux to that!!"
Why did the Lion and the Witch enter the Wardrobe?
Narnia business
two birds sat on a perch...one bird asks the other "can you smell fish?"
two guys walk into a bar...the third guy ducks
bear and a rabbit sat in the woods. bear asks the rabbit "do you have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?". rabbit say "no" so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with him
Well, this is cheating but just happened to see it and I'm not typing them all out.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comedy/comedians/funny-jokes/max-miller/
Well it makes a change from the Tim Vine jokes.
that reminds me, I must go and see my Aunty Marge, she's been sick for ages.
I can't believe she's not better.
What's brown and sticky?
Gluie Armstrong
What car does a pirate drive?
Civic Type Arrrr.
EDIT: Sounded funnier in my head.
Naah, a GT* Arrrrr
*Gun Toting
Edit: snap
>Why do pirates count in octal?
They're obsessed with pieces of eight.
Where do sick bumble bees go?
Waspital
What do you call someone who used to like tractors but doesn't anymore?
An extractor fan.
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.
Why do monkeys paint their balls red?
So they can hide in the cherry trees.
What's the loudest sound in the savannah?
Giraffes eating cherries.
What's the difference between a oral and anal thermometer ?
The taste.
Dwarf fortune teller escapes from prison. News headline "Small, medium at large"
A man walks into a dentists. "Can I help you?" asks the dentist.
"I am a moth." says the man.
" I beg your pardon?" says the dentist.
"I am a moth."
"It's not a dentist you need mate, it's a psychiatrist!" says the dentist
"Oh I know that," says the man "but I was on my way past and your light was on. "
Man goes into a petshop. "Have you got a Manx cat?"
"No, but I can make you one."
"Greg! Greg! Greg! Ian! Greg! Ian! Ian! Greg! Greg! Ian! Ian! Greg! Greg! Ian! Ian! Ian!"
Gregorian chant.
(courtesy of @MooseAllain)
why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side
why did the chewing gum cross the road?
stuck on the chickens foot
why did the duck cross the road?
chickens day off
why did the chicken go the the mens toilet?
cos that's where all the cocks hang out
Greg! Greg! Greg! Ian! Greg! Ian! Ian! Greg! Greg! Ian! Ian! Greg! Greg! Ian! Ian! Ian!
A Chappell favourite.
How many stw'ers does it take to change a lightbulb?
7...one to change the bulb and six more to stand around saying how they wouldn't have this problem if they switched to tubeless bulbs.
How many stw'ers does it take to change a lightbulb?
7? Nope.
It takes 1 STW user. But he has to stop half way through to login again, so he can ask which way to screw it up.
A mountain biker takes a shortcut on a footpath across a golf course. He is accosted by a golfer who he recognises as his old teacher.
"How come you can play golf here but I can't use this right of way?"
"Because I'm a Country Member"
"How could I forget?"
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
Love the monkeys in the cherry tree joke 🙂
>Why do pirates count in octal?
They're obsessed with pieces of eight.
Potentially a bit geeky but,
What goes, "pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?
A piratey error.
What goes "Mark!... Mark!... Mark!... Mark!..."?
A dog with a hair lip.
Another geeky one (not really a joke either TBH!)
There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
... and those who understand ternary.
I've just been diagnosed as being colour blind. I thought I had good eyesight so the diagnosis certainly came out of the purple.
Two Ukrainian look at sun. Is not sun, but Chernobyl nuclear reactor meltdown. Ukrainian happy because maybe now warm enough to plant potato.
Man walks into a Swedish chemists.
Can I have some deodorant please?
Certainly sir, says the assistant, Ball or aerosol?
Neither, says the man, it's for under my arms.
One day in Soviet Russia, man hear knock on door.
Man ask "Who is?"
"Is potato man, I come around to give free potato"
Man is very excite and opens door.
Is not potato man, is NKVD.