[Closed] The black dog

Sound's like you have avoided a problem in separating. I have been fortunate never to have slid down the scree slope of despair, but I can see how it can happen so easily and can consume a person. Accept how it feels right now and have faith that it will feel better in future. Hope the prospect of a bunch of middle aged blokes sending you good vibes helps more than it scares!!

there will be a lot of friends and family who you care about too much

And they will care about you equally or more.

If nothing else helps, take the piss out of my shoes. I'll allow it, just this once.

More seriously, stay strong, you know you both can and will.

Oxfords or Brogues?

Mate, big hugs from me 🙂 I've never been a fan of them hugs that is, however with my depression, and perhaps my gained appreciation over the years of what is actually important for me in life, I've realised the benefit...

I cannot see myself recovering from this, I feel a complete failure and rejected, I'm scared, scared of a future being single and alone. She was amazing and yes not 'perfect' on paper for me but she was pretty much everything I've ever wanted, I'm scared I will never find anyone 'better'.

I think these are all perfectly normal thoughts under the circumstances. In fact I've been through some pretty similar circumstances recently myself. It leaves you in a pretty dark and lonely place, and it seems no amount of rationalising can help you see it any other way.

Talking to people is a big help. So just posting on here is something. I think it just helps not to be alone with your own thoughts. To listen to someone else's, or simply to share your own with them.

Things will get better though. You might well even be happier at the end of it all even if you don't believe it now. Just tough at the moment, and I understand the pain. It's hard to shake off, and very, very real. Talk it through. Tough it out. You'll get there.

If you're anywhere near Loughborough I wouldn't mind a walking and talking companion if you're up for it? Beautiful countryside really takes your mind off things!

I keep a vague mental tab of users who are local, and I think you're DY postcode aren't you? I'm up in quarry bonk and free in the daytime this week if you want someone to talk at, or cycle with, or both (I'd prefer the chatting, cycling's not really my thing 😕 )

It takes time but it gets better, never perfect but better.
12 months ago I was probably at the lowest point I had been, was a hard bloke to be around but in the end my friends came through. Find someone who can listen, they will. I made some changes and steps to get control of my life back, one step at a time take it slow don't do anything too rash and remember summer is coming . Stick around this life has a lot to offer.

You'll get through it Houns.

A lot of us have been and made it out ok.

It helps talking, appreciative of what you have have and setting new goals.

Get some exercise and go out with some friends.

You have so much to live for.

I'm scared I will never find anyone 'better'.

You know that you have friends around the country who value you for what you are, a lovely, caring person. So caring, in fact, that you've helped her move on from that previous abusive relationship. That's an amazing achievement. Far from being a failure you should be proud of what you have given her and her children.

You know where I am and all offers remain open to you whenever you feel ready.

New Bike Time and a Holiday to book. too . Give you something to look forward to in the near future.
And time. You need time to get your head clear and remove all the negativety that this has brought to you, but thats fine because now she's gone you will have the time required.

Plan things. Weekend in Scotland / Wales / Cornwall / Highlands and Islands. And dont worry about asking for help on here. If you want to come down south for some windsurfing or mayberide some of the best wooded singletrack in the country I can sort that. The veiw from my lounge is pretty good at stress releiving, and I can drag DebZ along as well. we are both old , old men who are really slow but get their in the end.

And drink tea, lots of tea. No booze.

Hey mate. I can empathise with feeling rock F@@king bottom and looking for an "out" if only for a rest from feeling so utterly broken. It's a terrible terrible place to be, but your not alone, and you can and will get through this ( honestly)

So pleased you've reached out and got professional help, that's a huge, and brave step to take, of everything I found that the talking therapy worked wonders for me.

Please Please Please be kind to yourself, you've had a difficult relationship ( from what I've read here) which has ground you down, then you've had a really important relationtionship end with no warning, only to find that another person was on the scene. That's a shed load to deal with, you're going to be upset, angry, desperate and not know which way is up. It's ok to feel as you are, you need to hold on to the thoughts that this will pass, there is a way out.

As I said be kind to yourself, eat well, even if you don't feel like it, stay off the bottle, take the help, get out of the house even for a walk around the block.

You can and I'll get through this fella, it will be a hard old slog, you'll have peaks and dips along the way but you will come through this. Your not alone in going through these feelings mate,and you will push through this.

I've popped a link below, it's only short but I found it good as I started to recover.

Take care mate, be kind to yourself, this will pass these feelings will go away, you will get past this honestly, regardless of how impossible that seems right now.

Houns, I don't know you but you sound like a decent bloke. Keep talking and stop blaming yourself.

Hiya Houns.

Not much to add, but if you fancy a break in a good spot for cycling, we've got a spare room.
You're welcome anytime, just drop us a line.
Oooh, miles away from Rochdale.
Take care.

I hit rock bottom last September. I tried to kill myself, and came very close to being successful. Indoor BBQing is bad m'kay!

After I left the ICU I was packed off home, still couldn't cope, and ended up as a voluntary in patient at a local psyc ward. In terms of my "recovery" that only served as a "safe place" and somewhere to get my meds sorted. It really wasn't that bad being in if I'm honest, and helped me reset.

What really helped me, above everything else though was being open and up front with my friends, and accepting their support.

Spend time with your mates if you can, and look after yourself! Drop me an email if you fancy, I'm happy to listen.

Thank you all, and again so sorry

This morning is tough. I miss her so much. I love her so much. I fancy her so much. I miss my soulmate

Home care been and gone but felt couldn't speak to them as parents there, every noise, comment, door closing etc makes me want to scream

Numb, feel like brain is in a vice being squeezed.

F*** 😥

Sorry can't read and reply to all posts/emails yet . Not strong enough

Thank you all, and again so sorry

Being able to talk freely is important, if you can get somewhere else to talk to them then go for that. There are times you will need that chat with your folks but take your time there.

@dan I am always surprised about how courageous people are here sharing stories, I can onky imagine how helpful support from others in such a situation must be and younare part of that for @Houns. Chapeau and glad to hear the attempt didn't work out !!

Sorry can't read and reply to all posts/emails yet . Not strong enough

It just helps talking about it. To know you're not the only one

and you really aren't the only one. the replies on this thread are proof of that. i bet there's more of us been where you are than you realise.
you can't go anywhere yet, i'm sure oakley will be releasing more new gegs soon!

Hope it's helped to share, you've shown a lot of strength doing that.

Not much to add, but I'm sure you will be back stronger in time, even if it doesn't feel that way now.

mate.. been in a similar situation myself once or twice, and if you've also been there before you'll know that to start with it's always unbearable..
We put them on a pedestal, search for reasons, cling to the past for fear of the future

have a mope, write her love poems, bombard her with text messages, **** yourself into a coccoon and cry your heart out but don't blame yourself..
people part ways because it's not working, not because one person or the other is failing

wallow for a bit and then dust yourself down and stand tall, get tough, and move on

I miss my soulmat

Nah, your soulmate doesn't treat you the way you've been treated.

Scotroutes - that's really helped me get out of a trough I've been in for days. Thank you.

We're here when you need us. Until you're ready, we can wait.

Scotty nailed it, and for more than just you.

I still don't fully blame her for what's happened. She has so many issues that her past has caused, anxiety, depression, PTSD awaiting psych sessions for possible borderline personality/ bi polar, history of anorexia and self esteem issues.
We never properly talked about her or my issues and how what we did or said could affect each other or be taken the wrong way.
I know I'm defending her, but I do believe she never intended to hurt me so bad

[quote=Houns ]I still don't fully blame her for what's happened. She has so many issues that her past has caused, anxiety, depression, PTSD awaiting psych sessions for possible borderline personality/ bi polar, history of anorexia and self esteem issues.
We never properly talked about her or my issues and how what we did or said could affect each other or be taken the wrong way.
I know I'm defending her, but I do believe she never intended to hurt me so bad
I'm not suggesting that any of her actions were intentionally hurtful and I think you're right to cut her a lot of slack as a result of her previous experiences. That doesn't negate my previous comment 🙂

I thought this thread was about a film!

Anyhow, suck it up princess. Life's an absolute arse and the people that walk about in it are even worse. However, there a just a few select individuals that are bloody blinding and make sense to you, and they are the ones that are woth blubbing over; she doesn't sound like one of them.

People say that you "have one chance". You don't. You have lots. And lots. And lots.

Embrace every one of those chances, because that's what it's all about.

Onward and upwards chap. When you're ready of course 🙂

I hate mornings, just thinking a whole day ahead of me full of hurt. I'm trying to only think of the next hour, it's a huge mountain

it's a huge mountain

[img] ?itok=YCUdtqrn[/img]

Houns - I've been there mate. Try and find something to laugh at, no matter how stupid.
I can recommend Road Runner cartoons.
When you find yourself unexpectedly laughing at something stupid despite your low mood, it can turn the tide and make you, just for a moment, see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

Best advice my counsellor gave me was "do something nice for yourself"

As I don't work Mondays I had a bimble on some local trails, realised I had time to try a café I'd never stopped at before, and - sod it - time to stop at my favourite café as well an hour so later.

Quality Me Time with bikes, coffee and cake. And a pasty. And quite a lot of wildlife this morning. Was great!

Copied and pasted from a previous incarnation of the same type of thread, coz I can't be arsed typing it all again.........

My advice. Get a wider perspective on your life and your place in the universe. Your problems and issues seem huge to you when you brood on them constantly. You need to shrink your perception of them down a bit. This helps me and makes the problems easier to deal with. It's difficult enough to deal with the actual problems without stressing about the stress of stressing about the problems.

I find two approaches work for me.

Glorious isolation - go somewhere that you can be alone in nature. Walk on an empty beach, climb a hill , go deep into the woods. Consider your tiny presence in the midst of the place you're in and then extend that to the wider world and the infinite universe. You feel small in comparison and so do your problems.

Extreme crowds - Go to the busiest place you can find. Stand in the middle of the crowd and watch as all the people stream past. These are all people with the same hopes, dreams, aspirations and problems as you. Look at them all not as individuals but as a massive swarming group of issues and problems. Imagine how many people there are in the town / city / country / world.
Your issues are a mere microscopic drop in this huge, swirling mass of human struggle.

Don't seem so big now, do they? Obviously YMMV.

Try and find something to laugh at every day. It really helps. 99% of my posts on this forum are dumb-ass jokes......not because I feel some innate need to entertain the masses, it's because I try to make myself laugh and need an outlet for that because, god knows that the po faced asshats I share an office with ain't interested in listening to my pish most of the time.

Take every day as it comes and I genuinely wish you good luck in getting through it.

Houns haven't got a lot of advice just wishing you all the best.

Again, thank you all for replies. Again sorry but unable to process a lot at the moment and even reading the messages is hard let alone formulating a coherent reply.

I did manage to get out and visit my colleagues/friends at the Trust property I volunteer at in a Monday. One of the lads is my age and a Vicar, had a good heart to heart with him, he asked me if was ok to pray for me, me not being religious at all however his words caused me to break down, it did mean a lot.

I'm not better, no worse. Still miss her like crazy and would do anything to have her back (even if that's so stupid)

I just want to say thanks again to those who have taken time to respond

Houns - been in a similar place to you, over the years I've learnt to allow myself more compassion to get away from the darkness of self loathing.
On the really crap days it was just a matter of crawling through them until bed time. I used a visualisation from the film "Master & Commander" where one of the ship's crew had HOLD FAST tatt's on his fingers. Cheesy I know but whatever gets you through the day.

AS others have said get out into nature, volunteer dog walking or growing something# in the garden can help take your mind of the incessant painful loop.

[i]#not that sort of a grow[/i] 😈

Still miss her like crazy and would do anything to have her back (even if that's so stupid)

If you can say that then you obviously realise it would be 'stupid' because it wouldn't bring you happiness.

You really need to focus on the fact that you never be happy with her, whatever your feelings for her might be.

See this as a chance to escape for an unhappy and destructive relationship.

The sad truth is that love isn't enough to make up for everything else that's wrong. It's one of life's lessons.

I never enter these threads as I never know what to say. I have been in a similar situation where my world disappeared along with the girl that I loved. I've been in some very dark places with some very dark thoughts. I can talk here through anonymity, but I struggle to admit with friends.
I can say that with time and understanding thing will improve and you will be stronger in the end.

Tough times. Just do things for the moment that takes your attention away from her, even if you dont feel like it.

It gets easier in time.

Damn, I feel for you - can't really add to what others have said so well already, especially Ernie

It is widely accepted that going through that sort of shit can be worse than the person dying. You will be completely brokenhearted but you will, with time, get over it - that's the one absolute certainty.

Hang in there Houns.

There is some top advice on this thread (some of which has helped me) and I don't have any more to add other than to say there are a lot of people who care about you on here.

Some of the advice above speaks about finding something to laugh at / about. How about our good friend - [url= http://singletrackworld.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/ ]the Agent Picolax thread[/url].

It might help (I'm talking about reading the thread not taking the stuff).

Stay strong.

Well today Ive been on a date 😕

I soon realised that this was waaaaayyy too soon as all I could think about was the ex and was close to tears at points.

It did help that we were able to talk openly about our respective exes and she some how wants to see me again.

For me (and will make this absolutely clear to her) that it'll be friendship only

Did it do me any good? Well sat in the car crying for a while after so **** knows

Sounds good to me - it's a distraction. And it reminds you that there are other fish in the sea.

I'm surprised and impressed that you agreed to go on a date.

Of course it's too early to get proper involved with someone else, but lots of flirty stuff with no intimacy will do you the world of good imo.

It gets you out, distracts you, and gives you other things to focus on ..... all very healthy stuff.

Yeah that's exactly why I wanted to do it, I came close to cancelling it a few times (and walking out during)

I won't use her method of coping with a break up, a cocaine binge

No, not even with hookers

It's a good reminder that you're a person that other folk find interesting and engaging and that folk like to be around. Remember that when you're feeling low.