[Closed] The black dog

Shit mate. Sorry to hear that. Let me process that and get back to you. In the meantime I can only offer the usual bland stuff. I've been going through a lot of crap since the loss of my best mate. Talking on here was a huge help to me, hopefully to you too.

Thanks.

I opened up on FB a couple of days ago, and that helped greatly, however another slump now and it'd be good to hear if there are any survivors on here

I realise you still think she was "The One", but viewed from afar anyone who can get engaged in less than 4 weeks is best avoided. Stay strong, someone else will turn up.

Not much I can say to help, but hang in there, and know you're doing the right things at the moment. Hopefully if enough people on here chip in, it'll add up to something positive for you, and knowing this place, they will. All the best

Is your email in your profile still active?

It just helps talking about it. To know you're not the only one

Is your email in your profile still active?

Don't say "yes", he'll only send you spider photos then it'll be worse 😀

I don't use it but can still access it

Shit dude, sound horrible and I can only say to keep safe and there is far more to your life to live for. Have you got any friends or family that can come over to be with you?

I think when you say you've coped before, moved on and its been fine but this time its different and you cant see a way through have you considered that other things in your life are currently building up on you and tainting your view of life and your ability to process things. I've had some difficulties lately with work being the start point for it all but it is affecting everything else in my life and my mental spectrum so I wondered if perhaps the same was for you and retrospectively looking back you could identify the other problems around you and perhaps once you narrow down them, this will become easier to cope with?

Yeah, with family

Fire me an email too if you want.

The only stress that I had was what her kids and other issues she had caused, I struggled to cope which pushed her away and caused this

Sorry to hear this mate, it sounds pretty crap for you at the moment. I've never been in a situation like yours but have had some very low patches in my life and can relate to how you feel. Whenever I get to the point of wanting to end it I think of how my friends and family would feel, how they would blame themselves and wonder what they should have done, this would stay with them forever. This always makes me pull back because I couldn't do that to them. Hang in there, it sounds like you have emergency support ready and that you will use it if necessary. Is there anyone who could stay with you, or you could stay with? Good luck or whatever

so emotionally in the relationship you really wont coping at all. And now what seems to be her problems have yet again caused you to be effected. Can you see that she is the one to blame here and you're not for how you're feeling now? Maybe that will take some of the burden of your shoulders, I always blame myself for everything so to know something isn't my fault is always nice. You already blame yourself by saying that you pushed her away but do you realised she cause you to push her away by asking and expecting you to do too much and take more responsibility than you perhaps needed to?

That is truly shite houns, everyone is different and from what I have learned there is no "correct" way to cope, just whatever works for you. Having said that, if this helps you at all like it got me through, then use the hell out of it. For me it was the the thought that I can always kill myself tomorrow, even when on the verge there was a little bit that just kept plugging away thinking if it gets no better than why not tomorrow, rather than now? For me id almost got the point of being catatonic at times. I think the scariest stage was when I "felt in control" and this whole other logic kicked in when I was coldly considering all the options (I almost derived an odd pride about the fact that I could be so calculated about my end) looking back now that was probably the biggest danger point rather than full emotional state I was in prior to it. The other thing was that I've always had this thing about not being a burden on people and no matter whay I could think off it always seemed to be better for my retched pointless shit to continue, than some poor ****er have to deal with finding what was left of me, that one thought made me feel even more useless and pathetic, that I couldn't even kill myself without ****g it up and ruining someone elses life, but strangely just about kept me intact.

Long time ago now, and fk me that was hard to write and think about even now, but im so much better, I still have massive bleak periods, but my life is good even when I could see no way forward at the time.

just take one day at a time, everyday you keep going is a little win and with the support you have it will get better, life cam be shit, but its the only game in town.

drop me an email if I can help, even if its just be an impartial ear to listen.

matt

Get your bike out and ride the **** out of it.
If you don't want to do it on your own email me and I'll meet up with you and come out with you.

Really sorry to hear you're having such a bad time. You say you want to know if anyone else has been that low and got through it. Well yes, I've plumbed the depths more than once, the first and worst time was when my 1st marriage broke down, I had dreadful post-natal depression that dragged on for well over a year before anyone would help. In short I survived and have survived subsequent dark depressions. I don't really want to go into details on the internet but If you want to email me, feel free. All the best.

Thanks Matt

Yes I too have had the calm "in control" periods! Where it comes so matter of fact and you feel almost ready

Golfchick, I know you're right, but there's that mental block, I forget the negatives and just think of the good things etc, then there's the heart taking over the brain.

Ssstu I know riding etc will help, I'm not up to it currently due to physical effects and weight loss though loss of appetite.

Thanks for offers of emails etc, I will when can brain a bit

You will get through this and out the other side. It won't be possible to see this now no matter what anyone says, your deep feelings are telling you otherwise but your brain is lying to you! I have felt similar to you at the end of relationships, hours spent crying in a heap on the floor imagining the future you've just lost BUT held on and waited and it wasn't all that long in the grand scheme of things before I found someone so much better and have ended up happier and more contented with life than I ever could have been with those people I cried over.

Ssstu I know riding etc will help, I'm not up to it currently due to physical effects and weight loss though loss of appetite.

Aw, Houns, sounds awful

- and stop with the "sorry", there's nothing wrong with being affected by this and there's nothing wrong with asking for support; you know we love this stuff! 😉

I've no great advice to offer but remember, you are one of the good guys. Value yourself accordingly, treat yourself well and take time to heal. Let your family and friends help you

... and see this shit off, however long it takes

I'm a crap listener and borderline tosser but I can type bollocks like this all day long if I need to.

Once you get back home, have you already got people you can call? - whenever? (I mean, it's always middle of the night when you really need help, right ?)

Just keep on each day and remember "this too shall pass". In the short term concentrate on the next 5 minutes and fill them. Then the next and so on. Talk here of via email to us. We have a good record at this type of thing. It's ok to feel like shit because " this too shall pass" . All the best with coping . Mike

Houns, I have sent you an email, no spider photos, unless you want some that is.

If you aren't in a condition to ride, I'm available to walk. You have friends here, and there too.

It is widely accepted that going through that sort of shit can be worse than the person dying. You will be completely brokenhearted but you will, with time, get over it - that's the one absolute certainty.

Although I know that now for you time will seem to be standing still - 5 minute appears to be like a lifetime.

All the feelings you are going through are completely classic feelings, including blaming yourself, feeling that you can't/don't want to carry on without her, and thinking of her every minute of the day.

There's really very little anyone can say or do to help but you can help yourself and the healing process by keeping yourself as active a possible, and by changing your routine so that your life is significantly different and you do stuff which isn't automatically associated with her.

With reference to this :

[i]I find she's in a relationship with another man (that she met for first time 2 days before we split but had been chatting to on FB) and found out this last week that they're engaged now.[/i]

That ^^ is not the behaviour you would expect from a rational person. One of the feelings you will be experiencing now is that you are not in control of events in your life, it's a horrible feeling. But get some sort of solace in the thought that she appears to be in a mess herself.

I feel for you, what you are going through is truly shit. But however dim it might appear there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just can't quite see it yet. It's very early days.

EDIT :

I forget the negatives and just think of the good things etc

Yep, classic. So get a pen and paper and write a list of all the negatives. That will help you to remember.

No spider photos thanks!
SoG I know, banned from driving at moment.
I am safe, I'm in with parents (not helping with self esteem there!) and have 24/7 crisis support if needed
Thanks for any emails, may not get replies today, as just taken meds

Cheers ernie

Yes she has many many issues which were caused by 20+ years of being with a psychopath (and her children have issues due to him too)
But that's for another day. Again anyone who doesn't know me/her/us will say I'm best off out of there, but you can't help who you love

Houns - I can tell you're the sort of bloke that'll get through this. I never know what to say to people in trouble - but you asked if anyone had been this low - well I have. In the past few of years I lost my wife, family home I'd worked my life for, my dad, then my job! I also had an injury which stopped me doing sport! Resilience is what it takes. You've got it.
Brilliant that your parents are with you cos family is the number one. Listen to em. Believe them when they tell you how much they value you. Stick with it mate.

Been there myself, to the point I put a noose around my neck and stepped off the stepladder in the garage.
Of course, the ratty old top broke and I sat on the garage floor and cried.
Don't think too far ahead, get through one day at a time. Read books, watch films, things that take you out of yourself and into a fantasy world for a little time. Ride your bike when you are ready, not before.
It does get better honestly, 8yrs on and I'm far happier with a good woman than I ever was with the one who walked out for another bloke.
Allow yourself to grieve, then set some personal goals - small at first, and you'll find each achievement brings you a little more peace.

I've been perhaps unnecessarily facetious in previous posts - please take them as they were meant, in good humour! I know what it's like to have the black dog riding your back, and the main thing I'd add is that it's not forever - despite what you may feel right now things [b]will[/b] get better. I can't offer a great deal of real help from Madrid, but if you're ever around I'd be happy to get you a beer...

And I'm not the first person on this thread to offer you a beer, so whatever you might be feeling right now you're obviously not that much of a **** 🙂

Crying more now thanks to you all, but they are 'good' tears, thank you

Dezb and muddy wish could give you both a hug

If it helps any, I always think of this song when I hear your name, Houns.

There is depression and then there is Bette Midler. Where will the pain end?

Just remember that in the long term you'll be so much better off without the baggage that is a woman who will rebound in 48 hours. You dodged the bullet!
10 months after the mother of my eldest walked out of my life, she had another kid. My life has only improved since she has been out of the picture (fortunately my boy is a smart lad, but that's a whole other story 😉 )

Hey houns, it's good you posted on here. This is when the STW gang is at its best. But because they are, there's nothing much I can say except that I sympathise deeply. Very best wishes, and don't forget that some of us on here have been where you are (in one way or another) and will be there if you need to talk.

EDIT: Just re-visited the mugshots thread. You're a handsome chap; you should have no trouble meeting someone new!

Tough times OP, on here we often like to try and kick 10 bags of sh.t out of each other but when it comes to things like this we are a real community ready to help as we can. Feel free to share anything anytime. From what you say things weren't right for you and the fact she's hooked up with someone else so quickly would say to me she wasn't willing to fight for you. As such and as difficult as the situation is it doesn't look like it was supposed to be.

Jamie 😯

I know I keep saying it, but thank you. When I can be a bit more coherent I shall write more, but I am reading and taking your help in

Plus, someone that leaves their partner for a man they met 2 days previously and gets engaged 4 weeks later may have their own issues that in the long run you're better off not having to deal with. I would try to stop blaming yourself if you can.

Jamie!!! Surely there must be an appropriate gif for this occasion???

Focus on 2 things.

Little steps. Recovery won't come quick, and it will be fragile, but it will come in time.

Spend time with friends. There are lots of people who would miss you, and time with friends makes you realise/remember this.

The latter point has got me through a few times when the dog has come for me

I know a guy who was at rock bottom. A hideous childhood, was homeless (living in a Ford Escort), just about hanging on to a very poorly paid job, had some very nasty people looking for him, no family. No notes, no prior mention to anybody (nobody to mention it to in all honesty), made an honest assessment and concluded that he'd really rather not be around anymore. Took enough anti depressants and sleeping pills to end it for an army.
He was found, ambulance, hospital, either a referral to St.James renal unit in Leeds or the mortuary. All without his knowledge. He was all but dead. A&E doctor said "It's between him and God now" to the student nurse tasked with sitting with him until "he goes off".
He's been married to that student nurse for 21 years now.
The point I'm making, (I think) is, you're lowest point is YOU'RE lowest point. You CAN come back from this. Ride it out. Just keep riding it out. If it seems that it can't get any worse and yet then, it does, think about that. You were convinced it couldn't get any worse but yet it did. [b]You didn't think it could get any worse[/b]. You were at your lowest possible. Yet it went even lower...... . You ARE stronger and BETTER than you think you are. It will take effort and energy. You probably don't have that energy now and you can't muster the effort but you probably will get that energy soon. Then you can decide if you're prepared to make that effort.

Check back through my posting history over the last year, a lot of us have had issues and a lot of us on here are here to listen, talk, blow off steam with if you need it.

Sounds to me like the breakup has triggered the release of a lot of other issues that were being ignored and festering. The important thing is that you are getting some professional help in the real world.

Things will look pretty bleak now, and for quite a while to come I suspect. But keep following the professionals advice, accept their suggestions for medication, counselling, CBT or whatever. You may not want to do what they suggest, it may not feel like it is working and you are getting worse, but eventually you will wake up and will see a fresh dawn ahead. Though there will still be days when that dawn is wet, cloudy and grey and seems to be further away than the day before.

Sorry, I'm shit with metaphors.

Last year I had a flip out over work. Didn't want medication due to the side effects, but had 3-4 weeks off, and then did a group CBT course when I went back to work. Wasn't that impressed by the CBT course but seemed to be OK and then the Black Dog - or Dementors as I refer to it - came back big time after Christmas. Tried the medication, had 4 months of work, a few lifestyle changes, and a series of counselling sessions that helped me identify and deal with the work issues, and a few others I'd been ignoring, and I'm now a month into a return to work, feeling a lot more at peace with myself and the world, and capable of lifting myself up when I start to slide backwards.

Sorting out papers yesterday I found one of my initial questionnaire sheets. Made me realise how far further forward I am now compared to where I was. I've kept it deliberately. My answer to the question "What has stopped you acting on [the desire to end it all]" was "I love my kids too much to do that to them". And there will be a lot of friends and family who you care about too much to do anything so final.

Suspect I'll be on the pills till the spring, but the corners have been turned.

And this will happen to you in time as well.