[Closed] So, I started a blog about my mental health

Very open and honest blog. If it helps you work things out, keep on sharing.

2016 I cracked. Had taken me two attempts to walk from the car park to the office, via tears and some mental pondering about an alternative use for the multistorey car park.

Sat down at my desk, stared at my blank screen for 5 minutes, announced "I can't do this shit any more" and walked out again.

Signed off for 3 months till the meds, some counselling and an excellent boss, it has to be said, got me back to doing that shit again 🤣 (till I moved to something that I enjoyed again)

Nice work. Keep at it. I’m thinking of doing something similar even if it is only for me to vocalise how I feel. I was only recently able to let my estranged wife and brother know about why I am now how I am after 20 years of ****ed up behaviour. That was the result of sitting down and looking at a blank screen.it helped a lot.

Good start.
keep going with it.
I had my first consultation today, time to unpick some issues extending back 15 odd years.
Got to start somewhere

Great idea. I will give it a read shortly!

In fact, just read it. Great start. So similar to what I want through in 2011/2012.

You have my full respect!

Nice one, stick with it. You've got a reader here.

Thanks for the kind words. I’ll certainly try to keep writing as I find it really does help.

Post on here when you update the blog, another reader here.

Another reader here, good on you for starting the blog.

Hi All,

I've added another post about the comfort I seem to have from negativity.

It seems very odd that I'm posting this here and that opening up to STW is easier than some of my closest friends. Perhaps there's something in the anonymity of the whole thing.

I'm hoping to post much a I explore my thoughts and feelings. I would recommend others trying this. Last Friday I wrote whilst I was crying. I guess we need to redefine the word 'manliness' to include the boldness or courage of talking about feelings or the fact that talking about feelings is a demonstration of ones boldness or courage and its not all about the alpha hunter, provider...I feel another blog coming...hmmm

So, Another post or two up on the blog.

I find it so much easier than writing on the blog than here...random!

Having been writing the blog now for a little over a week, I think it is helping. Its difficult to say really. Its great having time to sit and write rather than to just dwell on thoughts.

One positive; seems an odd positive, is that my wife finds it useful to read and some of my other family too. My parents find it hard to read obviously. I do find it easier to sit and write rather than try to explain a jumble of thoughts and feelings. (without comment or fix being thrown back at me).

I'll keep going for now; its tough and it just seems a random collection of posts but it seems to help...i think.

I rarely post about my depression although just today have on another forum. Not sure whether it has helped me however I hope it has helped other people realise that others suffer as well.

Good on you for starting the blog, I will have a read through for sure. Keep fighting and keep it going if it helps you 🙂

It seems very odd that I’m posting this here and that opening up to STW is easier than some of my closest friends. Perhaps there’s something in the anonymity of the whole thing.

@spot1978 I know what you mean, weird isn't it? I think my life from the past few years has been lived by most of the people on here too. I am pretty open about everything on here despite suffering with depression and anxiety and generally struggling day to day.

I started my blog over 2 years ago (different reasons but similar end goal I guess) but I still post more here than I do on there. Well done on starting it and sharing your story. If you ever need to talk or anything please feel free to get in touch.

My blog is here https://brighteststarinthesky.com

Thanks all for the supportive words and the openness. This is such a big issue and its great to see others being so open. For people to keep opening up and sharing their experiences can only be the right way forward.

This week I've been thinking about what is depression. I'm told I'm depressed but I don't really know what this means. I'm on medication to address a chemical imbalance (I think) but I don't really know about this.

I spend a lot of time thinking about what it is and what is wrong with me...but you guessed I don't really know. Actively talking and thinking about it all does seem rather cathartic.

Good on ya! I tend to vent about my bi-polar on Facebook when I need to say something. I haven't for quite a while as I've been stable (albeit melancholy) since the first lockdown. Think I need to find someone local to ride with as that would force me to get out on the bike more

Defo organise a ride. I went for a run with a friend earlier this week and it was good to catch-up if only for 20mins.

Talking to another friend about a short trip to Swinley at the weekend as its open again. Social distancing obviously; but we all do need help to get out some of the time.

Since I've been back at work I'm much more in tune with co-workers stresses and strains and am trying to actively work with everyone to be more open and to not fear asking for help. Its difficult when all done over teams but its a must really.

I've just had an hour online with a counsellor, the poor woman has probably never experienced such negativity. She's made me promise to try to get out on the bike once in the next week.

Good thing about the blog, it helps to discuss and write things down. I've had a huge amount of support from people on this forum.

I've not written on my blog for a while as work has just sapped my will to live yet a again. latest post is just a rant.

Anyone know what job a 42 year old civils engineer can change to? Properly hacked off

Don't do a blog as such but I have found that keeping a journal helps. Any uncertainty at work helped by a general low self-esteem can start the downwards spiral. Having been made redundant 3 times in 3 years doesn't help either.

I find that capturing my thoughts, reflection on previous experience and lessons learned can help when skies darken. I also subscribe to the "3 good things" where after every entry I need to list 3 good things that happened that day.

I also found that the "The Chimp Paradox" by Steve Peters helped me understand mood swings, etc. and deal with them. It's not for everyone but it's not a miraculous cure-all but I found it very useful.

2nd recommendation for the Steve Peters book, one top tip it had was basically ignore any freakouts from your brain between ~10pm & 7am as the "eek TIGERS!!!!" bit of the brain is firing them off but the "don't be daft, that's Ted the one-eyed cat" bit of the brain has gone to sleep for the night! Or something along those lines.

Also some good stuff about dealing with difficult meetings and letting people have their say (or rant!) and feel heard, first, as a way of dialling down the tension and making it more likely they'll listen to you in turn.

I might have to give the Chimp paradox a read as it sounds like it explains things in a logical way; I'm all for that.

I did start reading a book by Haemin Sunim which I've just dug out again. The difficulty this week is that even with a huge effort from myself to change myself and change they way we all work, we're still left in the same position of constantly firefighting and it's just exhausting.

I've just ignored a teams progress meeting with a client as I just don't have the strength...at this rate i can see myself having more time off work. i really fee like I need a career change but what an earth to?

I've added another post today about the comfort of the subconscious pit; a concept that really resonated with me. I'm still finding it hard to write more regularly, more so because I want seeming to actually write about rather than just rambling.

I'm going to start a journal today so I can write down my thoughts between posts rather than keep them in my head.

I actually spoke to my daughter about this today as I need to take time to write and think, which inevitably takes time away from her. It was quite moving and she gave me a nice big hug.

Well done.
For my money, the rise in depression in anxiety is less to do with individual "faults", and more to do with the fact we are living in a totally imbalanced way. Perhaps it is a case of the sensitive, creative people picking up on the signs whilst everyone else can just bury their heads in the sands, but they are also unhappy.
We work too hard, for too long, for material gains which don't really matter. We constantly compare ourselves to others.
I've found being in nature, volunteering, and spending time with like-minded, kind people with an interest in spiritual practices helps a great deal.
More recently I've struggled with ill health which has restricted by ability to volunteer and ride my bike, and that has been the hardest thing so far.

I’ve added another post today about the comfort of the subconscious pit; a concept that really resonated with me.

Just read this post and there's quite a bit in there I can relate to, especially the pit of anger and self pity.

Thanks for sharing, it's given me something to think about.

Anyone know what job a 42 year old civils engineer can change to? Properly hacked off

If you find an answer to this can you let a 36year old that is 6months away from a degree know so he never has to use it ever again?

So today I've just added another post about undertaking an examination of my own conscious thoughts by way of looking back over 2020 and what I have learnt.

I found it quite useful. I find it hugely beneficial to look back and understand my self and my personality. I heard a recording of Stephen Fry whe spoke about mental health and the fact that most people believe that there is something wrong with them; when in fact it may just be their personality.

Quite often I wish I was one of those people who didn't care so much...not sure I'd like myself all that much though.

I've posted my first blog of 2021. Up until now I've not known where to start; its been difficult to get started and find any sort of enthusiasm.

So what I thought it worth doing is starting right back at the beginning and see/understand what it is I need to focus on. With that in mind I'm planning a series of posts that look at this to aim for a more in depth educational experience...its as if the journey is the most important aspect, rather than just a series of quick fixes etc.

I did wonder if it's worth starting a new STW post about general mental health and whether anyone else would find it useful

Oh, that subconscious pit sounds horribly familiar.

Not caught all these as they've been released, but very interesting and thought provoking articles

Just read the subconscious pit post and I definitely recognised myself in it. Even before covid related issues I have struggled with anxiety and depression. With the restrictions of 2020 and resulting lack of contact with friends with whom to chat and offload, I've found it pretty tough. This is exacerbated by feeling guilty, as I know full well that thousands of people are suffering much more than me.

I find myself avoiding contact with others now, partly because the "subconscious pit" seems to be a draw, and partly because I feel like I bring other people down.

I don't know about anyone else on here but I have distinct different groups of friends. Some I'm more that happy to talk and share about mental health and other I find it very difficult to share with. for the latter I tend to shy away from actively discussing these issues with.

That said I think deep down we all share a common issue of keeping it bottled up. I find things better and better the more I share and yes I worry about sharing too much...but that shouldn't stop anyone from opening up.

They say its about a problem shared is a problem halved....I think its more about just talking. The more we just talk the more we get used to it and the less of a hold the the stigma and worry have on us.

The guilt thou is huge, I feel guilty all the time. even when I finally make it out on the bike I feel guilty for just taking the time.

I'm going to carry on writing and posting here and talking and if anyone else feels so inclined to contribute please feel free.

If I can do one good thing this year its talking more.

I’m going to carry on writing and posting here and talking and if anyone else feels so inclined to contribute please feel free.

Yes, please do. I'm not sure about others, but quite regularly I read your posts or blog and then reflect on it a bit rather than reply. I feel guilty when I see the thread drop down the page, but I'm not always in the right head space to comment. I do appreciate your writing though.

Hey Riklegge, I'll keep writing no worries.

I've just had a really useful session with my counsellor and its left me lots to think about and hopefully write. Its difficult to find time to write let alone feel like I'm writing something that isn't just waffle.

Don't feel guilty about not responding; its taken me quite a while to realise that I can write and talk to anyone about this. It's been difficult but it gets easier the more I practice.

I'm no industry leading expert on any of this; so I just write how I feel. There is no wrong answer; If i feel of think a certain way than that's how I ruddy well feel.

10pm & 7am

This is by far the worst time period for me. Most of my panic attacks happen then. Getting into bed should be a comforting experience, but it usually the place I worry most. Makes thinking of going to bed really negative.

I bought a jotter a few years back. I wrote some stuff in there, but I never read it back. It does help I think, but I don't have the discipline to commit to it long term. Like many things.

So many of the things I read and hear about resonate so much with me and other people. I used to sleep really badly, always stressing about what might happen at work. It led to me binge watching TV to try and claim 'my time' back from work.

when I broke last year I stopped watching TV and started reading books and writing. You can get in to quite a negative cycle with sleep that ends up being very self destructive.

Like you I've tried to write before; my current journal was started in 2019 with a handful of notes, then it stops and starts with one post at the beginning of 2020 with 1 post; its only since I've had this point or realisation that I've been able to make a reasonable go at it.

My latest thoughts after todays session is about journey driven rather than goal driven and that I need to learn to enjoy the journey rather than just setting random goals. i always fail at my goals and I feel very bad when I do...So this year I'm trying to look more deeply and understand what I actually need to do to help me enjoy life.

look more deeply and understand what I actually need to do to help me enjoy life

I think at the core, this is what I am struggling with.

Are you an engineer by any chance? Just going by your blog. You seem like a very logical person.

Yes, i think this is a fundamental point. I sort of hit this realisation in my last counselling sessions where it felt like I just had to keep completing tasks just to feel like I was achieving what ever goal I had set.

I thought that perhaps the goal setting, for me, is the issue. We all set unrealistic goals: cycling/running X miles, loosing X pounds, Saving £X, doing X event and we tend to get carried away and if that goal fails we see it as failure.

Whereas I want to try and reset and understand why! Why do I need to do the above; is it a deep yearning to just look after my self and simple goals are a superficial way to get there. I want to eat healthily but eating just salad and loosing weight is again a bit superficial.

Do i see the goals as something that will give me happiness or is it actually the journey and the education of the why that will actually give me peace (perhaps not happiness) perhaps the peace and comfort of knowing will give me that in due course.

Yes, I am an engineer and all I can do is look logically at things, but at the same time its my job to pick things apart and by default I shoot my own thoughts in the foot.

What I found profound is just opening up and talking and giving voice to these thoughts and the more I do the more I realise there is something there. We all need to let these thoughts out, think about them, talk to one another about them and we may find we have quite similar concerns and perhaps just perhaps (a dream) we can help one another.

if anything this last bit, the journey, the talking and hopefully helping others is giving me back purpose and that it self can be fulfilling.....man I sound like I'm preaching now...but I do feel rather strongly about this.

I just spend and hour writing on my blog over my lunch break talking about this...feels quite interesting to me.

So, its taken me quite a while to understand my context system for this year. I could be wrong but this feels right as of now.

I've added this post to my blog; this I think was the hard part...well that said now I need to do something about it.

Great post on the blog. Very honest about what I'm sure a lot of people are thinking.

Is there a link to the blog? unless im mistaken I can't find one in your profile.

Hi Yes,

It’s in the original post. Let me know if you have issue accessing in and I’ll post again.

sorry, being a spanner..found it

I’ve added another post tonight about my relationship with failure and that I think, and hope, that it’s changing based on the process I’m going through.

I've added another post this lunch time - its taking me longer and longer to write these as I take a more in-depth view and try to properly understand what it is I mean.

I'm close to writing up my next system i.e. the Realisation and Intervention systems, but its taken me a while to understand them. I think my latest post 'Deepest Desires' has found the answer. That said its getting difficult to communicated these properly.

I have struggled on and off with depression and anxiety since 2011, I had a relapse last September and I had to get back on my medication after a couple of years free, seemed to work until Christmas when I started to suffer more. I have been trying to find other ways to get well rather than just increase my medication, someone mentioned the Win God method, I have only done the cold shower fully but it has really helped, I plan to start the breathing to see if that helps. It seems to help me have a calm mind.

Sorry spell check that should be Wim Hof method!!

Breathing defo does help; I've started breathing and working on the core with my Physio; it really does work.

Belly breathing/box breathing. i.e. breathing deeply in to belly and then up in to Sola Plexus to activate the diaphragm really does help.

I haven't posted on my blog for some time and it continues to be difficult. I almost don't want to write negative posts all the time.

But this time work can really go shove it self...I am without doubt heading back to where I was before I had my breakdown.

How do you rationalise your mental health against your parental responsibilities. i.e. paying for mortgages and looking after your family. How do you mentally justify a change...am I just scared?

This week my daughter told me that I can't eat my self better after she found the empty box of angel cake slices in the recycling. From a 9yo it was both funny and very telling.

Hi All,

I'm not sure if me posting is still of help to anyone but I'll keep posting as and when I have something to say.

Last week I started struggling again as the pressure got to me once more; I've added a post about this to my blog.

Its time for a change, a change is needed and I can't sit here for another 30 years working out what to do. I have requested dropping to a 3 day a week at work; its a massive financial risk but the long term health risks outweigh that.

I've decided to set up my own you tube channel and see where that takes me...I've got 35 years left to work....what one could do with that time?

So, the 3 day working week has been agreed; this is my last week of full time working and any semblance of financial freedom. At this stage the 3 day working is a temporary condition over 3-6 months.

At this stage I can't see me every wanting to go back; at any rate we'll have to see where this takes me; it could be an amazing start to something new although I have no idea what that is...

I've just written a new post about being angry about the current norm; with a change coming I'm angry I haven't done this sooner but also about being in this situation.