[Closed] Separation...Missing kids...dealing with sadness....

They're not dead mate, just with someone else for the day... Accept that as a fantastic thing still and all will be well.. Sure you'll miss them, but they'll be there tomorrow or the next day... Enjoy what you have, not what you cannot.

Awe shit, I had no idea.

I have no advice either, other than hug your kids .

😳😵

Nothing profound to offer you mate, except loving thoughts, vibes & wishes.
Your in the thoughts of a stranger, many miles away, although I think you did lap me once (quite easily) at an SSUK.
In their hearts they know your there, make that first hug a tighter one.

you can see why people stay in crummy relationships so as to be with their kids

You certainly can... the loss of the "family" unit, especially around (not to sound American, but it is this - ) holiday times, is the worse thing about it all. My current partner goes into a really weird frame of mind at Christmas especially and it's quite hard to deal with. Constantly talks about her ex husband!
As I said in one of your earlier threads, I've never got used to it. You don't have to forget them, you just have to deal with being ****ing unhappy sometimes. Or a lot of times.
"Resilience" is a thing to look up. When facing redundancy in my previous job, they ran workshops, which I initially sneered at, but found them pretty good.
Hope your fears about reduced contact time aren't realised - I wouldn't think about what [i]might[/i] happen... that can only make yourself feel worse!

#Festive500

Actually - when I say I haven't got used to it, that's not quite true - it has got better (I don't cry anymore! 😆 )

Cheers peeps...

I think Weeksy's comment about accepting they are just away from me for a day or two is true (hard hitting...but true..)

Will look up resilience Dez; cheers xxx

DrP

DrP my thoughts are with you; I've been there. Always put your children first. Christmas Day is just one day out of 365; don't let the hype swallow you up. Children are amazingly resilient and will manage this. Show them how much they mean to you. Always be there for them; your ex will do what she does and you won't change that. Hope you've got a specialist family lawyer batting for you.

Keeping everyone happy at Christmas (because that's what it is by default unless you are seriously anti or into another faith) is like juggling with two more balls than you can usually keep in the air. I've spent most of my life doing stupid journeys in awful conditions, buying landfill, biting my tongue and doing my best bit of acting of the year.

It brings underlying issues to a head and I find myself making unreasonable efforts to keep the peace and goodwill going. Being a runner, cyclist, skier, swimmer is ace because it's the perfect excuse to disappear and rebuild depleted stocks of goodwill. Last year I failed, if someone is really determined to screw up Christmas they will.

This year the issue is junior. Today is the big day in France and the miserable ****er still hasn't phoned his mum despite my begging message (Madame was looking forlornly at four Whatsaps with double blue ticks and no reply).

So some people will do their best to screw it up for you but my advice is simple, be perfect. While all around you, your nearest and dearest, are being arses just quietly get on with being perfect. If you are on your own at times rejoice in the fact it isn't a work day and go for a walk somewhere nice. If there is someone who'd appreciate your company or even a brief visit (because the risk of people being arses is proportional to the time spent with them at Christmas), drop in.

There was a useful piece on Womans Hour (from 10:50 min) the other day about this. I only caught it in passing, but I think someone recommended giving the kids two separate Christmas Days.

Maybe it's an opportunity to start some new traditions? Pretend you are Scottish, and have a quiet Christmas, then make a big thing of New Year instead. (Apparently Dec 25th wasn't even a bank holiday until 1958!)

And go for a swim in the sea on the day itself - that'll definitely take your mind off things!

Hopefully things will calm down with time and you never know you may be able to spend Xmas together for a few hours. First Christmas without my two also, but I'm lucky and have them here today and boxing Day.

How about recreating Xmas day on a day you next have them and treat tomorrow as a day on the bike and ignore Xmas altogether?

The lack of noise in the house freaks me out still, having multiple wirelesses on around the place helps me deal with that.

I know it's a cliche, but focus on the positive things, get excited for when you do see the little critters

I hear you. It's my first year as a separated dad too. My daughter and I have such a lot of fun together that I'm always sad to pass her back to her mum and things seem too quiet and empty at home afterwards. I get a lot less access though so maybe I'm "used" to her not being there. Stay strong for your kids and what Weeksy said (about enjoying what you DO have) is important. I'm happy to share my experiences via PM if it'll helps you.

From someone who's been there and done that, my advice is to think about the long term, be nice to your kids, be seen by them to be reasonable and calm, one day they will be deciding where to go and who to see, and they will appreciate you making life for them as easy as it can be when they are also having to manage missing one or other parent. No help in the short term, but i have a better relationship with my kids now (15 years later) than they do with their mother. Positives are you get to do stuff (like riding bikes) at times where you don't have to feel guilty about missing family time. I missed my kids every day, but the sadness will fade as the new normal set in.

...things seem too quiet and empty at home afterwards...

THIS... 🙁

I miss the fact my daft daughter (only 4) wakes at 5am... I just have a big cuddle in bed with her for a bit, then we do puzzles and stuff!
I guess it's just lonely... I kind of felt like me and the wife were never really 'there for each other'...but i was always there for/with the kids...

It's them I miss...

Also, I'm really trying the 'just be perfect' bit...but the trouble is I can genuinely see myself being taken for a ride if I'm too nice...

DrP

Do a Christmas each, alternate year to year as to who gets the kids for the day and leave the other parent to it. Nothing will ruin a Christmas for kids more than the tension between two separated parents both trying to be there on the day. No matter how much you try and be civil, they will pick up on it and be walking on eggshells the whole day.

In the same boat this year. Lucky that the kids are at mine for the morning and then spirited off to the dark side (only joking)

I find that making the most of the time with the kids works well even just doing boring stuff, bits of crafts, games, walks anything that is just one on one time, do they have bedrooms in your house? Not sure from the post, but having them there overnight works well for me. The occasional teary meltdown from the youngest but otherwise good. Helps build the new reality.

^^

yeah, i'm in a little flat (which feels like 'home' when the kids are there) and they've beds and toys and such.

Unfortunately, I've gone from a super 5 bed luxury house, to a little flat...I had to move out as my mental health was suffering..
I'm getting the "this is the kids home card" thrust in my face at all opportunities :/

Anyway... I KNOW I've goals for the future: get myself on the property ladder again (may need to spend ££ on solicitors to 'encourage' sale of the house, as has been suggested by solicitor and mediator) and make myself a new home for me and my babies!

It's just the coming months/years are forcast to be hard....

DrP

Dr P ,I feel for you but Weeksy speaks good sense.
I separated from my ex 8 years ago and both of us see our kids on Christmas Day.
Our arrangement works like this. One of us has the kids on Christmas Eve through to Christmas lunchtime then the kids go to the other and the next year we alternate.
We’ve done this for 8 years now and it’s worked well .
I don’t think I ever had had tantrums from my kids.
My ex and I just spun the positives of having two homes to them from day one.
Kids pick up on bad vibes from parents. Stay positive and make things fun and you’ll kids will be fine.
Now in a great situation where my kids get on really well with my new partner and get kids and they just think of them as extended family .

My ex and I just spun the positives of having two homes to them from day one.

Yeah..I'M trying to spin this, but it seems it's not a sentiment held by all!

DrP

Focus on yourself and the positives. What did the wife do that pissed you off and you can now do with abandon?

iiwm I'd be off out on the bike at every possible opportunity.

Just make sure your wife thinks you are having a good time with all the kid free freedom.

One of my mates did this, and all of a sudden he was getting lots more access...

epicyclo +1

This happened to a friend. He soon found himself having the kids most weekends and at least his share of weekdays.

Just make sure your wife thinks you are having a good time with all the kid free freedom.

Yeah because playing head games your ex will always go well 🙄
I'd suggest not taking relatioship or childcare advice off a 70 yr old stranger with seemingly no personal experience of the situation on a bike forum. Keeping the day sweet is hard enough without stupid ****ing mindgames about who's having the most "fun".

Ho ho ho

Hope your christmas day is a good one DrP... I've been doing this forever (3 ex's with my kids) and it still fills me with arehension every year. But it's worth it. and it usually works out fine.

It's completely understandable how you feel OP. I have no sage advice to offer and can only say I do genuinely hope it works out as best as possible for you.

Back in my days doing family work most of the blokes found this bit hard - but it did get easier for them. Folks in the early stages of a marriage or relationship ending seemed to exploit the emotional leverage around these events. The heat goes out of the situation eventually.

Great advice from Edukator above.

I’d suggest not taking relatioship or childcare advice off a 70 yr old stranger with seemingly no personal experience of the situation on a bike forum.

3 ex’s with my kids

Lol, I'd take relationship advice from a 70 year old stranger on a bike forum before someone with kids to 3 different ex's.

Hey, stop squabbling! This is supposed to be a support thread.

OP - I split up from my then wife about 10 years ago. We have a daughter together who is now 11. I ended up in York and she ended up in Preston. So i used to drive there and back multiple times during the week. it was hard but worth the effort.

The first 5 or 6 years were utter shit. But it does get better. A LOT better.

My daughter gets a double Christmas which she loves. 25th with her mum and 26th with me. We just moved our family Christmas to boxing day, grandparents come over, the full works.

Don't play mind games or try and win your kids over at the expense of the other parent. Swallow any shit being thrown at you and don't respond by throwing any back. Just be the best dad you can be as much as you can, whenever you can. As the kids age they get more say in what they do and where they go so as time passes things will start to be more driven by what they want to do. And you will find that if they are happy, then you will be too, even if you are apart.

But yeah, its shit for quite a while but it does get better.

Take care of yourself.

Oh and i'm still a little "blue" on Christmas day. But nowhere near as bad as i used to be.

Experience Rene unfortunately cannot be aquired without first experiencing.

😉

TBH Forget advice. "don't be a dick" suffices

mindgames = dickmove

DrP you have my sympathies as even I (who, as you all know) hates kids, have been through it all before.
Any chance you can split Xmas day & have the kids AM or PM? Or have them either Xmas day or Boxing day or something similar?
Luckily (?) for me I split up with the kids mum early in the year (after she nashed off with my mate) so by the next Xmas I'd met someone else who had her own 2 kids. IIRC I had my 2 that Xmas day/night & took them back to mums early Boxing day & did a vice versa the year after.

Again & very luckily...I stayed on decent terms with the ex, so there was never any issues with 'access', so try & keep things as amicable as you feasibly can. Mind you it did help that my (now ex) mate was minted, which kept her happy.

Do not under any circumstance get into any slagging matches with the ex. Keep any correspondence for future reference in case she starts 'poisoning' the kids against you, (I've seen this with my wife's daughter & child & her ex bloke, long story)

Hope all goes ok for Xmas DrP & keep your chins up, it does get better

Lots of us going through this it seems, you area not alone, tough time of year.

I've not seen my 3 since September despite every attempt through the legal system. At first I had regular contact, it stopped by her command and the claim for maintenance followed shortly afterwards. - Get yourself to mediation asap in the New Year, get an official agreement. If that fails then the warning lights really need to be flashing.

I'll be having Christmas on whatever day I get to see my children next, could be next week, could be next month... I'm doing everything I can to see them as soon as possible, and have to accept that it's pretty much out of my control.

In my opinion it's all about accepting that you'll feel terrible at times, but being realistic about what you can do about that, knowing you're doing everything possible to keep the contact going and 'doing the right thing', 'being the bigger person'. Sounds like you're doing well on that front.

Maybe some personal goals/challenges etc will help get through the time without the children? I've set myself the task of learning to manual and wheelie properly... Day 3 so far and making progress!

It's only another day after all, I doubt Jesus even knew he was born on the 25th December.

I doubt Jesus even knew he was born on the 25th December.

He wasn't, the date was chosen 400 years later to coincide with the Winter solstice which was already celebrated. 🙂

Sadly christmas for some un paired parents, seems to be a fight time, using the kids as emotional blackmail tools, both want the kids, but neither want to be near each other, why not have a mums christmas day and a dads christmas day..

Theres no easy way.

Sorry to read about this OP. First year for me too. Fortunately, my ex is from a country that celebrates Xmas eve, which means I get to have my kids on Xmas day, but it's still the first time I've not spent Xmas eve with them so I can sympathise. I've just got a new bike, so spent the day today getting it properly muddy, which took the edge off a little.

5th year on the bounce not seen my little girl on Xmas day 😢
Dropped her back tonight to be told by her “cmon dad - 4 days and 3 nights we can do this”
Still cried all the way home. Miss my little side kick

Merry Christmas all xxx

Saw the kids this am.. Opening santa presents etc was good.
Now home.. Gonna play xbox!
Will see then again this afternoon at I'll have them later in the day...

I said to th em "two Christmases is awesome"... Someone's gotta believe the lie!

Look after yourselves x

DrP

Propaganda DrP will win the day. Big up 2 Christmases at every opportunity with the little P's. Before you know it it will be the new normal. It may take a while as we only get one a year but don't lose hope.

Happy Christmas (as good as you can manage).

2 Christmases?
Well, every day for me is christmas day anyway.

Well, I won't be seeing or hearing from my boys (17&14) this Xmas. After a big bust up with the eldest on holiday in the summer (fuelled by an underhand 3 year campaign by my ex) they haven't responded to any calls, messages or letters since July.

My Dad died four days ago; they didn't want to speak to me then. Sadness is turning to anger and bitterness.

I'll get on with my life, but having lost 15 years' worth of time with my dad due to dementia, I don't want to miss any time with my lads. Sad that's what they've chosen.

Merry bloody Christmas!

Sorry to hear that mike. Get on the bike, get the endorphins running through your veins and meet your mates. Works for me. Merry crimbo dude.

Cheers! A good surf yesterday restored the balance 👍🏼

Merry Christmas!

What weeksy said at the top.

Sucks though but stay positive and parents using their kids as weapons are selfish turds.

Firstly, I feel for you Dr P. It is a really tough situation for you. I have been thinking of you and your children today.

To me it sounds like Christmas is just intensifying your recent change in situation. It sounds very much like loneliness and grief.

Grief in terms of losing the family unit, the loss of your constant time with your children, the loss of your previous more-ideal perception of your wife and ultimately the loss of the state you saw as your future. It sounds depressing, but it is something you will get used to - like most grief it will likely become not less, but easier to deal with. It will also be much easier to see a new life with the positive of your children remaining as a huge part of you and your life.

Loneliness is a little bit different. Dealing with silence is hard - especially when you are used to the hustle and bustle of family life and the noise and colour that brings. People I know who have gone through this, seem to to find positives - in time. Whether it is more ‘me’ time or the fact that the time with the children is more intense and special - they have been able to accept and deal with it.

Not sure if this ramble helps... Sorry.

THe worrying part is that DrP will now go from fast to amazing on a bike. More time to ride without feeling guilty about leaving the kids at home.
Hope it works out in the end for you

Best advice I can give as a bloke in a similar situation but a bit further down the road, is flex with it. What we do is alternating Christmases, and on the years that you don’t have the pleasure of the day itself, just have xmas no.2, or Winter solstice, or happy new year celebrations. The 25th is just an arbitrary date, after all. As for the day itself, be busy. You’re a GP I think? Then work a locum with the OOH provider. Mega bucks! I work the Christmases that I don’t have my boys, and I am happy to do so, because it allows parents who have their kids to have the day off (And it pays well unless I’m already rostered to work😎).

My friend's ex partner, who is originally from China, has taken the kids with her to "see her family" and he's not sure if they are ever coming back. Rough.

Hope you got through it ok OP.

I went through this about 8 years ago, and the good news is it gets better and I now have a fab relationship with my girls, aside from their regular teenage stuff....

I’d offer a couple of bits of advice. Firstly bad accepting of change, the quicker you can accept and embrace the changes, the happier you can be. Secondly, arrange time to plan a structure for when the kids are where. I do this on an excel calendar and plan about a year at a time and agree it with the ex. There are then changes sometimes, but largely everyone knows where they are and it prevents disagreements. Google the 4 stages of change.

Thirdly, take the time to agree plans with the ex, who’s paying for what, handover times, bedtimes, phone rules etc etc. The more things you can discuss/agree the less arguments there will be later on.

Fourth, and most important, enjoy your time with them and don’t let them see you sad, don’t overdo it but don’t waste your time. Just make it ‘normal’. Don’t involve them in any parental disagreements, let them be kids and don’t give them adult problems. Have fun with them.

Finally, enjoy your ‘feee time’ cycling, or whatever other hobbies you have. I found myself feeling guilty, but I have lots of hobbies so I made the most of my time.

Time is a good healer, but look for the positives in life....

My girls are my world and they are very happy in their 2 homes, good luck