[Closed] Office farting etiquette.

no one likes an eggy drifter in the workplace.

No, allegedly girls do go to the toilet to fart. Strange but true.

That said, any kind of airbiscuit-floating is utterly frowned-upon in our office workplace.

Your allowed to test the water. If minimal offence guff away.

It depends what the nature of the bottom-burp is really. Normally I'll surreptitiously release a quack as I wander across the studio. Sometimes in small quickfire fashion - smuggling ducks. But sometimes, when you've a massive build up, and you know your arse is going to go off like an H bomb, then you want to enjoy the moment to the full

I felt obliged to nip to the toilet to let one go the other day, to really do it justice. Sweet Jesus!!! It was like someone tearing a thick velvet curtain. I thought they probably heard it in the office anyway, due to absolutely massive decibel level. But alas on returning... no round of applause 🙁

I have my own office, so let rip whenever is required.

However, you can guarantee that someone will knock on my door within seconds, every time.

The only problem with farting in my office is that every man, woman, and their dog seems to want to stick their head in precisely five seconds later. And I can assure you, the guffage isn't always a pleasant smell...

In the work shop it's considered good form to air drop in the vicinity or indeed as close as you can to some one who is n a particularly awkward stress position fitting the worlds most nadgery bolt.

I think that anything goes, as long as you remember to hold up your clenched fists to the sky in triumph if it's a big one

Loud and proud.
Thats why I don't work in an office.

I was chatting to a couple of teenagers that I teach the other day....the conclusion drawn was that farting is always funny no matter how old you get 🙂

I'd agree with the ladies. If you're in a busy office then farting is simply not on. Now it might be worth a tiny squeak to determine if your farts are smelly today but one observation I might make is that most people don't think their own farts smell.

At home I'll be slightly more relaxed about it, we do after all have a dog I can blame it on but I'll still try and avoid doing it a room with other people in.

One thing I've noticed, is that some people simply can't hold their farts in. When they need to fart, they fart which is bizarre. What kind of weak pelvic muscles do they have?

Do ladies lock themselves in a cubicle to drop the f bomb or just let rip by the sinks? In one office I worked in it was good form to drop an SBD then call a colleague over to check some pointless detail, just waiting for their expression to change.

In the office, no. The lift... 😈

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The OP is clearly in error.

Everyone knows that girls don't fart...

What TomB said

Normally I'll surreptitiously release a quack as I wander across the studio

Ah, the old "stinky drift" technique. My particular favourite. You have to judge your walking pace and carefully throttle the release to achieve maximum dispersal.

😀 @ Darth, was smuggling ducks a STW creation? (well the guys daughter)
As I do thinks it brilliant.

Cropdusting FTW.

I work in a office of only males. Farting holds the majority of the daily humor. If anything it is frowned upon if you do not fart. It is commonly said that farting is funny no matter how old you are. At the end of the day, the only difference between a child and a adult is the size of toys, right?

At the end of the day, the only difference between a child and a adult is the size of toys, right?

Well, that and an increased risk of 'following through' with advancing years!

I work from home, in a small office, on my own 99% of the time. Thus, my farting etiquette consists of parting my cheeks at precisely the right aperture setting for maximum parp potential, then summoning the resultant reek to my nostrils with an ostentatious wave of the hand like Paul Hollywood does when he's just pulled a freshly baked cob out of the oven.

I fear for me and any future colleagues if I am ever released back into the wild.

nbt - Member
Crop-circles FTW.
POSTED 12 MINUTES AGO # REPORT-POST

FTFY

I work from home, in a small office, on my own 99% of the time. Thus, my farting etiquette consists of parting my cheeks at precisely the right aperture setting for maximum parp potential, then summoning the resultant reek to my nostrils with an ostentatious wave of the hand like Paul Hollywood does when he's just pulled a freshly baked cob out of the oven.

me too!

I felt sorry for my colleagues when I worked in a shared office!, ok, I didn't really.

The other half sent me a text a couple of weeks ago on this exact subject.
She works in a large open plan office, predominantly occupied by females, one of whom was allowing a silent fug to encompass the surrounding area.
Point one proven - not all women fart in a cubicle.
The next question was should she name and shame? Of course, yes! Especially if the guilty party is trying to keep it anonimous. Something along the lines of;
'ear, Trace. D'ya reckon someone's a bit ripe today?' aimed directly at the offender!!

Large open plan office, guff straight into the chair cushion. No smell No sound.

Going to the loo to fart WTF!!!

In my office (station) some of the girls give as good as they get in both volume and odour.

There is one young lady who is particularly revered as undisputed champ in that department but only by those who don't have to partner her on a vehicle!

I find that the employment of a little fine motor control allows one to operate undetected.

As for toxicity, it appears that my colleagues sit far enough out of harm's way not to be affected on the odd occasion when I inadvertently attempt to self-euthanize.

like someone tearing a thick velvet curtain

^Stealing this.

At my desk this morning' Was that you?' 'Of course it was, it's my turn, you're next.' My secretary can always be relied upon. I blame anti inflammatories for cracked ribs, everyone else just blames me. Which is fair. Farting is funny.

I dropped one in the office when doing work experience aged 15. The woman on the desk nearest me swiftly grabbed a can of hairspray from her drawer and vigorously dispersed around her immediate vicinity.

In my quiet Yoga class, we were in a strong position starainign to hold it. Someone let one rip (one of the Lasses)
Stopped the class for the next couple of minutes as we all had the giggles 🙂

Double doors between the engineering office and the shop floor at my work. 'Sealing one in the airlock' is standard practice if someone will shortly be following you...

I generally pop out and share the happiness with the huddle of workshy smokers out front.

Don't let it out. How can subjecting your colleagues to your rotten guts be considered ok...?

I work with a real ale drinker who sets fart traps. He will go in to a store room or cupboard, do the deed, close the door and retreat.

A good rule of thumb is to never go into an enclosed room here if the door is shut.

Some of his farts have a half life that is longer than uranium.

I go into my managers office to "chat" then drop n leave.

I can have a whole morning with no visitors to my office, then post release, someone breezes in... You'd think they'd have learned by now!

You know those special boxes that the Securicor man in the back of the van passes through the hatch to the other Securicor man who is going into the bank's counting room to collect the money from the pretty cashier?

Well, they're airtight 😉

Save it for the lift.

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Don't let it out. How can subjecting your colleagues to your rotten guts be considered ok...?

Yeah, I don't think I'd get away with some of the fart terrorism described above in my office.

However, I wouldn't be surprised if, for many of those who scuttle off to the toilet, it's driven less by fear of causing offence than fear of social embarassment at being labled the one who 'dealt it'. None of which seems very healthy.

Do they do the same at home, I wonder? No Dutch Ovens?

women in our office seem to spray perfume to mask it

Bum bugle in the lift, then send it back for someone else! A joy!

I can't believe I'm the first to spot that thanks to his Premier status, our OP appears very aptly named 😆

Heh heh heh...

Good spot Zokes, massive lol!

I used to work with someone who was into his bodybuilding. He sat as his desk constantly masticating. Boiled chicken, boiled broccoli, brown rice. Interspersed with protein shakes and flax seed.

His arse was absolutely rancid, and like his jaw, always at work.

Luckily, he had a fan on his desk, which dispersed the worst of it downwind, over the bank of empty desks behind us. It was always amusing to watch out of town visitors pull up a seat at said bank of desks for some 'hotdesking'.

Hotdesk? Ground Zero was more like it.

haha i also have a fan under my desk - precisely for that .... to disperse the fart to my colleagues desk sitting opposite 😀

Quite frankly, unless your colleagues eyes are watering and they're literally chewing the air it isn't worth it.

I mostly work outdoors so I just drop bombs wherever and whenever I feel like. But If I get put on a checkout I squeeze em out silently and y'know, if a customer pulls a funny no-likey-smell face, I just nod my head backwards at the customer behind and look concerned. It's all about stealth . I let a particularly bad one out the bomb bay doors in a work changing room that just about fits 2 people, ie me and another bloke. so I got pulled on that one. Learn from experience.

no one likes an eggy drifter in the workplace.

lol

Grim, the lot of you!

I go into my mates office to discuss things of no importance and play him a tune.. then scarper whilst locking his office door.. he does retaliate but I've got him on smell every time.. we even echo test the bosses tea cup when he's peed us all off. Farting is funny, sorry but it is.

Never has a singletrack post made me laugh so hard.. Love it..

My neighbour and I tend to have a 'fart off' when out about in the car...

Long periods of time in a vehicle will do that

Amateurs

In my old office there were two chaps a body building chap who ate like the guy previously mentioned and the half greek dude who ate mega hot spicy food like it was going out of fashion. Both had rotten gas traps.

Crop dusting was the initial joke with no concern of the collateral damage the rest of us received

Then the cupping started, a water cooler cup was guffed into and a hand placed over the top then they would walk up behind the other stick the cup in their face and quickly squeeze it to puff it into the others face.

Then it got worse

Getting 500ml pop bottle compressing it to expel most the air sticking it on their rusty sheriffs badge and trumping whilst releasing the sides of the bottle to suck in maximum gas and pop the lid on, this way you could have multiple rounds of ammunition in a directional accurate weapon.

Those were the days.

One of them is now my manager and he goes outside and fakes a call to drop his guts 😆

I generally tend to step out of the office, although I have noticed that some farts have a nasty habit of following me back in.

Except for the day after I ate a vindaloo by mistake. I had to go out of the building, I'm sure I saw a couple of pigeons drop out of the sky dead afterwards 😳

I tend to fart a fair bit,, I offended myself sometimes when driving my lorry, a can of deodorant is never far away for such times..

If it has been a particularly fart-tastic day there is a lingering odour upon my return after I have been for food etc, Friday is fumigation day, drive with both windows open for last half hour then a good spray of deodorant to freshen it up for the weekend.

When I used to sell cars I would often drop a silent but violent in or around the car and see how long I could keep the customer there inhaling the stench... Amazing game. As was blasting a ripper at the other end of the showroom if somebody else was trying to get a deal, we would all scarper as the laughter was blatant. Fun times.

Then there was the leisure centre I worked in... They tried to teach me a lesson balancing my food with laxatives.... No effect at all. I then returned the favour to the guilty parties and we were 2 members of staff down all afternoon as the spent it emptying their guts..

Farting is funny... Fact!

Tears are rolling down my face reading this, farts are always funny no matter what age you are 🙂

As I get older I sometimes unleash by mistake, such as when laughing or coughing. I have to be quite careful. Luckily I work from home and only leave the house to ride my bike.

My ex had an elderly aunt who was very keen on demonstrating her prowess at dance inspired keep fit exercises.

Unfortunately she was also very deaf and many is the time I had to leave the room as she was completely oblivious to the fact that Herb Alperts Tijuana Brass had an extra wind section.

I'm not sure which was funnier, the range of the accompaniment which largely depended on the severity of the dance move, or the family members struggling to keep a straight face !

I do a bit of am dram and once let one out on stage in the middle of a performance. It wasn't entirely my fault; it was during a comedy fight scene when my assailant got me on the floor and sat on my stomach. They must have heard it in the back row.

Class trumpage

It's all about discretion, innit. So long as you're not sat there sounding like you're standing on frogs, no-one ever knows who the culprit is. Own up to a few of the less evil ones and people believe you when you deny the evil airbombs.

I'm vegetarian with a taste for real ale and spicy food. Many's the day I'll drop into work and quietly turn the air brown. If I went to the loo every time I needed to deflate people would think I had a bladder infection.

My office chair (black leather thing with a high back) creaks, and in some sort of process only Darwin himself might understand, my farts have somehow evolved to sound just like my chair. Even the 'slab of meat falling onto the floor' type farts can be masked by a subtle shift of the calves.

I like to mix it up sometimes, to keep colleagues guessing - fart, chair, chair, fart. What was it? Was it me? Who knows.

Never let one out at your own desk, noisily, in a small space someone else is bound to occupy soon, or near the attractive girls.

Otherwise just wander round like the opposite of the bisto kids but in silent mode...

I once worked in an engineering office full of blokes. If someone let rip with a blaster it would prompt the entire office to rise to their feet and give a round of applause.

Office full of builders. Let it rip! The amount of veg and fruit i eat makes me king trumper and the bane of the team.
Let it all go at the end of tea break before going back to teach and leave it to rot in the office is my top tactic.
If i can't let it go silently in class, then i occasionally leave the classroom to drop my guts rather than unleashing in front of the class.

Better out than in...PARP!

Let rip and proud. Mind you I work on a Hospital ward, so not round patients. Mainly in the sluice because it smells of crap in there anyway.

Give it a push on the way out to maximise trumping, and then declare 'dont act like youre not impressed'

Ginger girl in the lift is insanely cute!^^^^

Farting is funny. Anyone who can't see this needs to grow up! 🙂

If I'm currently storing up something terrible (the sort that you can't pass without uncontrollably s****ing), I like to pop into my colleague's consulting room to 'get something', whilst silently 'opening a packet of ham'. They spend the next consultation apologising and blaming it on the previous patient.

It's all about timing you see.

i drive a bus, so, if necessary can drive over a duck any time i need to.
only problem is, some of those ducks have bad breath.
i will say, for anyone who finds farting funny, i seriously recommend buying a copy of roger mellies profanisaurus.
EDIT: nsfw!