[Closed] No kids at 35.

OP
Switch off the internet and have a big conversation with your partner of 8 years. Weird that you haven't already,but hey ho some folk are a bit odd.

Make your own minds up,for whatever reasons.

Leave the internet for :-
What tyres?
What FS?
What HT?
SPDs or Flats?
Do you wear a helmet?
What bike for £4000?

Switch off the internet and have a big conversation with your partner of 8 years. Weird that you haven't already,but hey ho some folk are a bit odd.

Conversely: seeking the opinion, advice and experiences of others who have already made the decision one way or the other is a pretty sensible way to gather your thoughts before having a big conversation that may well be a defining point in your relationship with your partner and the direction of your life.

The issue is not so much whether normal female fertility drops off a cliff as you approach 40, but whether there may be an previous undetected issue for either of you that makes conceiving more difficult.

If you start trying for kids when she is 25-30, find out there's a problem, IVF success rates are OK. If you start trying for kids at 36-40, find out there's a problem, IVF is far less likely to succeed.

http://www.hfea.gov.uk/ivf-success-rate.html

Do it now. Start tonight. Don't necessarily try for a baby, just stop using contraception.
Being a parent is a job for the young, at any rate not for the old.

I don't know anyone with kids who has regretted it (except perhaps one with a handicapped child)

But at 60+ I do know a number of childless couples who get teary when drunk, about how they wish they'd had them and how they made the wrong decisions in their 30s to have "fun" instead. In the scheme of things, that "fun" pales into insignificance beside the joys & terrors of children.

**** of the thread award goes to...

I'm 36, wife 35 our first is 12 days old...we planned sooner but ended up the IVF route, undiagnosed infertility too (basically I think work stress for both of us). Took about 5.5 years from the "discussion" on my wife's 30th till little one is here. If you want kids don't mess about and get on with it. I didnt want to be an old dad either.

I am currently knackered, about 3hrs of broken sleep a day for 2 weeks.....an angel in the day a monster at night. I've already been pissed and vomited on today! Currently trying to work out when he'll be faster than me on a bike. I think I've got 13 years, then I'll start putting lead in his frame.

our first is 12 days old...
I am currently knackered, about 3hrs of broken sleep a day for 2 weeks....

The bad news is it gets worse before it gets better.

The good news is it does [i]eventually[/i] get (a bit) better, usually around the six month mark.

The good news is it does eventually get (a bit) better, usually around the [s]six month[/s] 18 year mark.

The good news is it does eventually get (a bit) better, usually around the six month mark.

With our first, the first 6 months were awful for sleep. We then had about 3 months when we thought we'd got it sorted. Then the next 9 months after that were awful again (teething, no end of colds, illnesses as well as a couple of weeks in hospital with bronchiolitis.) He's still not a brilliant sleeper, was up pretty much every hour all night one night last week.

Our second on the other hand has been brilliant and has slept from 7pm to 7am pretty much every night since about 6 months.

Anyway might be straying a bit off topic here.

34 when I had my first, 37 when second came along.

Think I found it harder to get over sleepless nights than friends who had kids in their 20s, but had more maturity and financial security.

There is never a right time, always reasons not to. But halfway through a part time degree while working full time wasn't ideal!

Leaving it later is more an issue for ladies - evidence it is harder to conceive, slightly increased risk of problems.

A colleague remarried and started a second family at 56. He looks permanently exhausted with two young boys now he is 64!

Society makes a big deal of " You must breed to carry on your genes and without an offspring, life has no meaning".
I have no kids, in my mid 40s. Never wanted them. So when I die that's it. I'm fine with that.
Whenever I meet up with old friends/family the conversation inevitably goes to their kids and how amazing little Johnny is doing in school/university/wherever. Never that little Then it's usually "you should get some/your life will be complete/blah blah blah". When I tell them I'd rather not as I'm far too self centered and the thought of bringing up a kid appeals to me as much as putting my hand in a vat of acid they walk away.

Early 40's here with a 3 yo and a 1 yo. It's brilliant, but it is bloody hard and exhausting, though I don't think that'd be any less so if I was in my 20's. I was also a bit of a mess in my 20's and think I make a much better dad now than I ever would have then.

Same here. Definitely couldn't have done it any earlier because I was a stupid party boy until I met my wife when I was 32. Now is great - 2 boys: 3.5 and 1.5. Nothing beats watching my eldest whizzing around on his bike (no stabilizers - been riding since he turned 3 - very proud!). Havent found it that hard - easy conception, they sleep good, well behaved etc etc. So it can be ok. I still get to see my mates and ride my bike regularly - not as much as I did before but its fine as time with kids is good time.

i guess for most its delaying the inevitability .. the problem arises when you decide n+1 which then prolongs the other inevitability ( the kids leaving home for uni etc ). A few friends had kids when they were young and then had a few more later on mid 30's which ended up with a 10+ year gap between the 1st and last. The 2nd inevitability will be atleast 28 years !)

At this point one considers getting a move on 🙂 before closing that chapter!

I'm 26 and gf is 27. We've been together for nearly 5 years. Over the past 6 months, i've noticed that she's become more interested in kids. When that time does come, the first thing I'll ask for are some tests to check fertility for the pair of us.

with a global population of 7Billion+ and climbing fast, we need more people to choose the no-kids route.

of course, it helps if you don't really want them.

kids are a bit like classic VW camper vans, it's nice to see them out and about, but i understand they're a lot of work.

(i'm 37)

edit: we've discussed adoption.

I offer no advice on whether you should have children or not - that's a personal decision. However, if you do decide to have them I'd suggest getting on with it!
I had mine when I was 40. In many ways that was a good decision because I was far too selfish to have kids when I was younger, and by the time I was 40 I was financially able to take a couple of years off work to be a stay-at-home-dad which was great. Also, being an older dad isn't as much of a stigma as it used to be - there's plenty of us around.
However, I'm now 50 with a ten year old and honestly don't have the energy to do all the things I'd like to, and health problems start to get in the way.
So, on balance, I wish I'd started five or ten years earlier...

41 here and no kids, despite trying for something like 5 years and suffering two second trimester miscarriages. We're trying again, but you always have that thought about the decreasing quality of eggs and sperm and the increasing chances of Downes,

After set-backs like we've had, you start resenting people that got pregnant easily at a younger age and just don't seem to give a shit about it.

I don't have Kids and my life is pretty damn Perfect.

I thought this, as I never really thought I wanted kids as I was pretty happy and good a life, but my other half was mid thirties with 4+ friends who had waited and now can't have them for one reason or the other, which has caused them a lot of heartache as most of them thought they still had time as they were only in there mid to late thirties at the time. So I now have a 4 week old at home.

And while I thought my life was pretty perfect before he arrived, I was wrong. My life is much, much better now, its very tiring, very hard but very good. Its amazing how much they improve your life. You think they won't and you aren't missing out, but the fact of it is you are, as we are pre-programmed to adore them, and you lose hours just looking at them.

It's much harder for women than men to leave it late, as men can (in theory) have kids much later in life whereas when a women gets over 40 the chances nosedive, and the risks increase and if you go down the IVR route its very expensive and the side effects can make life pretty miserable for your other half.

with a global population of 7Billion+ and climbing fast, we need more people to choose the no-kids route.

I suspect a more progressive attitude to birth control world wide would make a bit more difference to this than me choosing to have a second child 🙄

and part of birth control is choice.

if we're to get a lid on population growth, we need to move away from the societal expectation that a couple will have kids. That couples without kids are somehow weird.

we all need to be part of that change if it's going to work.

(s'abit like climate change: what difference can *I* make?)

Nearly 37 when my first was born, and despite being the least fit I've been in 25 years, I'm still far fitter and more active than the vast majority of the parents of my kids' friends, even the much younger ones.

[quote=cloudnine ]Just do lots of practicing on the how to make them bit [s]so you'll be ready when the time comes..[/s] because you won't need to do any afterwards

We only had two practices in total - it's not necessarily true about older women having trouble conceiving 🙄

I suspect a more progressive attitude to birth control world wide would make a bit more difference to this than me choosing to have a second child

Yes it's only foreigners that are overpopulating the earth.

From experience - all I will add to the above is don't assume it will all be plain sailing.

You can lose years trying and failing. 35 (for the woman) is as long as I'd want to leave it before you start to try.

Yes it's only foreigners that are overpopulating the earth.

FFS 🙄

I'm 27, and am now starting to get the 'you next' chat quite a lot, WTF?

I used to get that a lot from elderly relatives, they soon stopped when I started doing it to them at funerals.

Early 40s here, wife in late 30s. We don't want kids and we can't have them by conventional means anyway. OH likes being "cool Auntie" with friends, but I just lack that gene and always have.

I've had people ask me "so when did you decide not to have children?" and that seems arse-backwards to me; I've never decided not to have children in the same way that I haven't decided not to buy an elephant.

Hypothetically though I think if I were to have kids, I'd rather have them when I was younger. I'd want to have the energy to play with them and go on adventures as they grew up rather than sitting there decrepit waiting to leave them as fatherless teenagers. But like I said, I really don't want them so my opinion is probably worthless.

we need to move away from the societal expectation that a couple will have kids. That couples without kids are somehow weird.

As an aside, I see this trotted out quite often as an argument against same-sex marriage. To wit, one of the central tenets of marriage is reproduction, and as same-sex couples can't have kids their marriage is invalid.

So clearly, same-sex couples can't adopt or use donors, and heterosexual couples who don't want of can't have children should divorce immediately.

[i]I'm 26 and gf is 27. We've been together for nearly 5 years. Over the past 6 months, i've noticed that she's become more interested in kids. When that time does come, the first thing I'll ask for are some tests to check fertility for the pair of us. [/i]

Eh? No, what you do is shag without protection and if she's not pregnant without a year or so then see the Dr...

37, thought 'might as well, done everything else'. hit the target first bloody go. dammit.

I never had the expectation that I would have children and fortunately herself seems similarly inclined.
It is starting to grate a bit at work with the fecundity of some of my colleagues who now treat me as if I'm stupid and hard of hearing because, "I don't have children".

I was 42 when our twins were born and there are plenty of kids at school with parents closer to my age than in their 20s (and some that are older then me). I left it a bit later than I wanted, but my wife is 9 years younger than me and she wasn't ready. Then we found out that we had to go down the IVF route after about 9 months of continual bonking (which actually became a chore).

there are plenty of kids at school with parents closer to my age than in their 20s

Same here - I suspect it depends what area you live in, but there is certainly no "older dad" stigma around here. Most of the parents at the reception year school gate are late 30s to mid-40s.

Kids are the best invention ever. Some may say the same re beer, bacon and bikes ... I probably did until becoming a father. Monkey jnr is nearly 5 and totally awesome.

I suspect it depends what area you live in

I've never decided not to have children in the same way that I haven't decided not to buy an elephant.

Fair enough. But after careful consideration I have finally decided not to buy an elephant. It would be nice but I just don't need one - the giraffe is just fine for current purposes.

We were mid-20s, but lots of our kids' friends have parents who are ~10 years older than us. It's far less of an issue than it used to be, and the cost of housing means more people will wait as more need two full incomes to get by.

I'm glad we had them early, because it means that they should be out of our hair by the time we turn 50 🙂

Both our parents were relatively young when they had us, so perhaps that colours our experience and opinions? My mam turns 56 next month - I'm her oldest child and will be 38 this year, my eldest is her oldest grandchild and will be 12 in August.

Actually, now that I've thought about it, I knew 5 of my 8 great-grandparents so perhaps wanting/having kids early is genetic?

My son born when I was 39 and wife 34. Thought we might not have kids as wife seemed too into having a career but she was keen so we did. Was happy before but happy now in more ways, life has more meaning 🙂 and I get more enjoyment out of my son's achievements than my own. In my old age hope that he'll have a family - turns out I'm a soppy family man really.

Oh and we need more people born here - though it's more than made up for with the immigration but if more of those nice middle class types had kids and educated them well I'm sure that would be of benefit to us all 🙂

I'm 44 (45 this year) with an 11-month-old and a two and half-year-old..

It's hard work! It's one of life's other adventures.

Younger wives are good 😀

I am counting down the last 3 years or so of maintenance. Imagine having kids late and possibly paying that from a pension !!

Was happy before but happy now in more ways

Imagine having kids late and possibly paying that from a pension !!

Yeah but if you have them young you could have other tough costs - mortgage. So the game is have them young then be free at 50 or late and be paying for their Uni places in your 60s?!

Two here, born when I was 30 and 32. I'm 41 now they're 11 and 9.

The only thing I would say is that as dinkies, we had no real comprehension of the way our lives and psychologies would change and it's difficult to describe in meaningful ways to people that don't have kids.

I never really wanted kids, and only really agreed to keep my wife happy, but I was so unprepared for the most rewarding (and toughest) thing I've ever done.

I'm kind of glad that I had them a touch earlier than some, I have the prospect of being in my late 40s when my kids become able enough to ride with me properly. and do a bunch of active and outdoors stuff with them, without being quite burnt out.

I totally regret missing that with my own dad, who was actually waaaaaayy younger than me at the same stage, but was a sedentary smoker.

Hopefully my youngest will find a career that doesn't need a degree and a 30k debt.Or if he chooses a degree I hope it`s not pointless and has value in the job market

I hope it`s not pointless and has value in the job market

'cos that's what education's for folks 🙄

A lot of this seems to be 'I didn't really want kids, had them late and now my life is fantastic', which is fair enough, I'm genuinely happy for you.

I guess I am a little like the OP. I've always been fairly ambivalent, always assumed it would kind of happen in its own time, and now approaching my mid 30s I am wondering if I am missing out on something, if I will have cause for regret later in life.

Mrs ADH and I approached the topic very early on in our relationship, if anything Mrs ADH is less than keen to have kids. Of course you both wonder if you are missing out on something, if you will have cause for regret later in life. Especially when you see friends have very happy families.

However, neither of us seem to have a burning biological imperative to breed. If you start to consider exactly what a commitment (in time, money, lifestyle, education, healthcare etc etc) it is to do the job of being a parent well (and I am the kind of person who tries to do something well if I am going to do it), then if you're really not driven to do it, why would you?

People say that kids 'add meaning to you life', on a philosophical level I'm not really looking for any 'meaning' in my life. I'm pretty happy with how things are rolling along really, I am more than content with my lot. Mrs ADH feels much the same way.

What is a real bind, for me, is the guilt I feel in that both sets of parents obviously really want grandchildren. They would not try to get us to do something we don't want to do, but their disappointment is palpable, and I intensely dislike having to disappoint my parents. Especially given they made such sacrifices for me. That guilt is something you have to deal with.

We may get to 60 and realise we made a mistake; you can only try to live without regrets and enjoy the life you have built together, whatever your choices were along the way.

Better get your crystal ball out then!

Edric 64 - Member
Hopefully my youngest will find a career that doesn't need a degree and a 30k debt.

speaking as someone with a 'degree-debt'*, don't worry about it. The monthly repayments are tiny, i pay more for my broadband. The new system is even cheaper.

(*i don't owe £30k, but it's not far off)