My experience of domestic abuse – Page 3 – Chat Forum

geetee1972 · 2018-01-25T15:27:14Z

I've thought long and hard about posting this. I've come close a few times recently for obvious reasons but have held back I think mostly because I do not see myself, nor want to be seen as, a victim. Something happened today that makes me realise it's time to be honest and so I'm about to click submit and hope this doesn't back fire. Here goes. There was a point in my life, around my mid 20s, where I was so desperate to be loved by someone that I found myself in a relationship that can only be described as abusive. To be clear, what I am saying here is that I have been subject to we all know and understand to be ‘domestic abuse’ including violence. It’s important to understand that at the time it never occurred to me that what was happening was wrong; even when the abuse became physical, the only thought process that went through my head was ‘how can I prove to her that I love her and am worthy of her’. The worse things got, the more I tried to prove my worth to her. The relationship followed a pattern of abuse that began as slightly controlling, slightly obsessive behaviour, progressed into the very definition of coercive controlling behaviour and culminated in actual physical abuse. I should qualify that last part by saying the physical abuse was slapping, usually around my face but never rough enough to leave marks. That aspect of it was, like the coercive controlling behaviour, not about inflicting pain, but rather about power and control. It was a symbolic slap as much as it was a physical one; it said, ‘I can do this to you and there’s nothing you can do about it’. The particular circumstances of the relationship are relevant. This was someone I worked with. She initiated the relationship, which started as her trying to seduce me on various work nights out and in response to which I denied her for several months. I did this because I knew she was in a long term relationship. But she was incredibly attractive and very persistent and I was desperate to be wanted and loved by someone, so in the end I got together with her on the understanding that she would break up with her boyfriend after they got back from a pre-existing holiday four month in the future. Needless to say that she never broke up with him. I spent 18 months with her hoping she would and being subject to a constant tirade of denigration, belittling, accusations, jealousy, manipulation etc, all based around me being a bad person and not capable of being either faithful or loving, which is kind of ironic really. She would question where I had been, who I was with and what i was doing. I wasn't allowed to be with certain people who were my friends at the time and if I did something she didn't like, she would fly into a violent rage and scream and spit at me. That was when the slapping also started. The end result of this is that my mental health really suffered. I started getting crippling headaches that got worse over time. I ended up having scans to check for anything physical and it was only when they came back as all clear did the consultant then end up diagnosing this as being stress related. The relationship ended about that time and I managed to move on and get closure from her even though I still had to work with her. At that time, she also ended up in a relationship with another work colleague. Rather tragically I think, she ended up marrying the guy she had been with the whole time. While people were aware that I was in a difficult relationship at that time, I’ve never told anyone about the true extent of what really happened. The timing for coming clean about this now is not entirely coincidental given that I’ve become very vocal on the subject of gender recently. This post isn’t about proving anything other than the fact that far more men are victims of domestic abuse and violence than people are prepared to acknowledge. In my own close circle of friends I know of four other men who have had experiences like mine and some far worse besides. All abuse of any kind, casual, domestic, stranger or otherwise, is abhorrent. It should all be condemned, it is all a vile corruption of the humanity and respect we are all capable of and that we should aspire to. I am categorically not a victim and do not want nor need sympathy from anyone. But what I do want, is for other men to feel that they can admit what might have happened to them also, maybe not here on this thread, but to themselves and perhaps to their close friends.

grum

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To suggest that unless you’ve experienced something absolutely horrific you’ve no grounds to complain is madness.

Posted : 26/01/2018 7:39 pm

surroundedbyhills

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I know of two men who have suffered physically at the hands of their girlfriends/wives, one was a flat mate another a colleague.In both cases the men were big, burly lads, over 6ft and probably around 16-17st, one was captain of the local rugby team. They both said the same thing, they couldn't possibly hit back and not just because it wasn't the done thing but because no-one would ever believe they would let a wee girl hit them. It was mental manipulation of the highest order, and in both cases the guys are just people who are susceptible to it, sadly this is too often the case.

I read your post Geetee and it was brave of you to post it up, good luck with sorting yourself out.

As to ignoramus' like globuchul just let it go over your head sadly some people will never see the truth of the human condition.

Posted : 26/01/2018 8:13 pm

geetee1972

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To put that in the same league as GT’s situation is madness.

No one is doing that and no reasonable person would equate that situation with mine. As I said, I don't feel like a victim mostly because here I am in a relatively good place in life where other people are in bits and have experienced more trauma than most people are capable of even thinking about. That's why I'm at pains to say I don't want sympathy, I don't need it, your friend with Parkinsons does.

But trust me, at the time it was like being in the bottom of a hole you couldn't get out of. It was not a nice place at all and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

There's a frequently cited claim that 24% of women will experience domestic abuse/violence at some point in lives. That figure might seem high until you realise it includes a huge range of experiences that perhaps start at what happened to me and end with what happened to your friend.I personally believe that the data on men's experiences are vastly under reported, especially when you realise that the definition of DA/DV, as used in the statistics you see quoted, includes exactly what happened to me, so you either have to stop quoting figures like '24%' and decide that a lot of those will be experiences not worthy of our concern (at least based on your definition of things Gobchul) or else we have to start re-educating men that they should be speaking up and saying that their experiences also are not acceptable in civil society.

Anyway my kids need to have showers and a story read to them so I'll catch up with you later Gobchul.

Posted : 26/01/2018 8:16 pm

mrlebowski

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“To suggest that unless you’ve experienced something absolutely horrific you’ve no grounds to complain is madness”

Indeed.

Abuse doesn’t have to be physical to be horrific. You’d have to be made of stone not to admit that.

Posted : 26/01/2018 10:16 pm

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