dangeourbrain
Full Member
Then who gives a shit? I mean literally, who goes for a poo at the office instead of the comfort of their own home?
The first rule of contracting, son. Never have a shit on your own time.
Back to crap design.
My workplace had 5 urinals fitted. 3 on one wall. 2 on the wall next to it. They're positioned so that the corner spot takes up two of them. And then the sinks were fitted the same way. On top of that, almost all of the urinals leak.
A highly entertaining thread. My next question when it comes to Crap Design is......why is that for just about every collective crapping area that having done one's business - number one or two -, and washed one's hands, the fact that the door opens INWARDS requires one to use previously cleaned hands to grasp a handle which may have been used by someone with a lower level of personal hygiene and hasn't paid a visit to the wash basin.
Our genderless office toilet used to open straight onto the corridor. The room was narrow but very long so the door felt like it was 10m away. It way possible to sit down without then getting up to triple check the door was locked.
Those train bogs with the big curving automatic doors are the worst. A couple of times now I've gone to use one, pressing the button to open it, only to find some poor sod crimping one off with their keks around their ankles as the door swishes open because they've forgotten to press the lock button. I have woken up in a cold sweat from nightmares where the roles are reversed. "Tonight Mathew, I'm going to lay cable on the overcrowded 17:10 from Euston to Crewe, in front of an appreciative audience of lagered up footy fans".
Page 3 of this thread is magnificent. Never has the like button been so hammered by so many
What a thread, mine eyes have been opened and my flabber is well and truly gasted.
Given that as every fule kno the sumo squat is by far the most efficacious position for effecting a smooth exit, it follows that the natural cheeks wide open position thus created is similarly ideal for the efficient cleaning of the target area. Of course, the partial buttock lift whilst being sat on the seat is the closest that your average Northern European is going to get to that. Standing up will just lead to unnecessary cross buttock interfacing which will surely result in the peanut butter getting spread all over the counter. And other than those with very particular tendencies, nobody wants that. Enough said.
However, developing a 360degree approach to wiping is not something I’ve previously considered. I’ll be running a random controlled trial later and will report back in due course.
Scrunching??? Whaaaat?!?
I had a horrible dream last night. I was back at work, went for a quiet read and all the cubicles were sporting massive turds - even the shower tray! Some people.
Don’t get me started on that! How can people not notice that they’ve left a massive turd in the bowl.
The train bog thing - why are they designed with a shallowly sloping bowl so that anyone with a todger longer than about an inch will have their tackle resting on the installation?
… so, the Bob Mortimer reverse approach. Anyone else owning up to that?
On a thread about anal activity I had to re-read 'having their button hammered by so many' a second time to make sure it hadn't taken a different turn.
I think my greatest achievement was waking up with a thumping hangover and making pizza toast with some bolognaise sauce that was of unknown age, then having several cups of coffee to try and wake up. About an hour later I realized it was about to erupt, just made it to the bog, my arse barely touched the seat before it all let go. I shat so hard that the rusty brown water bounced back up off the bowl and, as well as splattering my arse, hit the bottom edge of the toilet seat and got forced out the gap between that and the rim of the bowl. I didn't notice that at the time as I was staggering off to shower all the shit off my bum, but I came back a couple of hours later to take a leak and lifted the toilet seat, only to be greeted by encrusted shit everywhere and some embryonic shit stalactites hanging off the outside of the rim.
Thanks for that. When watching sci-fi I'm never going to be able to hear "the outer rim" in quite the same light again.
Don’t get me started on that! How can people not notice that they’ve left a massive turd in the bowl.
Floaters? Do you wait around, then go back and check post-flush?
The train bog thing – why are they designed with a shallowly sloping bowl so that anyone with a todger longer than about an inch will have their tackle resting on the installation?
Don't you get that issue on all toilets? 😁
Don’t get me started on that! How can people not notice that they’ve left a massive turd in the bowl.
Sometimes it's like trying to flush Nordstream 2 - the power of water alone ain't gonna shift it. Many office bogs don't have the right utensils to tackle such a beast, and even if they do have a bog brush do you want to contemplate the farage that will be lurking underneath it?
You know those dispensers that send the paper out of some little cats-arse via the middle of the roll?
Where I used to work, the dispensers *were* all configured as ‘cat’s arsehole’. I found that the clip on the work-issued pass holders was just the right size to open the lock on the dispenser to allow them to be reconfigured as ‘trap door’.
I’m proud of my contribution to humanity.
(Paid to poop? Definitely! / Sitter / Folder)
I was amazed to discover, here I think , that there are males who sit to pee! Why do you think you have legs and a sprayer?
Alright , when you are too drunk to stand up then it is a safe bet but otherwise? Surely not.
The seated wee is useful in many occasions - the middle of the night when you don't want to turn the light on, when wearing pale trousers, and of course to deal with a [url= http://tmoliff.blogspot.com/2012/05/humby-n.html?m=1 ]humby[/url]
Floaters? Do you wait around, then go back and check post-flush?
Yes because flushing takes a couple of seconds.
I was amazed to discover, here I think , that there are males who sit to pee! Why do you think you have legs and a sprayer?
I do sometimes because of the second bit, the spray. No matter how accurate you think you are you’re going to get piss on your trousers! Also I’m in my mid 40’s with young kids so will take any opportunity for a nice sit down.
Also I’m in my mid
40’s50's withyoung kidsteenagers so will take any opportunity for a nice sit down.
This. It is my sanctuary.
On a related subject, we were recently discussing in work the best way to insert a suppository into the Gary of one reluctant to do the job (sic) themselves.
We decided that a breadstick is the best tool. If you break off and dispose of the soiled end you're left with something to nibble on whilst waiting for the inevitable poonami.
Christ, this is the thread that just keeps giving.
Christ, this is the thread that just keeps giving.
Across the land, middle aged men are experimenting with new ways of wiping their bums.
A breadstick? Up your arse? Surely the definition of a crumb of discomfort?
🙂
Twiglets aren't long enough.
We thought about a Flake, but it's harder to tell which end is safe to eat.
Don't use a courgette. An A&E doctor friend of mine informed me that they are bastards to get out should they snap.
It was a very entertaining evening in the pub where she listed all the things that she had pulled out of people's arse holes and all the excuses for them being up there in the first place.
A can of Monster energy drink.
Only came to the attention of staff when they heard a scream, followed by a clunk as it hit the pan.
Allegedly.
all the things that she had pulled out of people’s arse holes
There is a PhD here somewhere.
ring bound?
Speaking of bogs.. I've just had to refit the seat of my throne, off-center to make it straight.
Moved in about a year ago and the seat was too far back and slightly off to one side, which annoys the crap out of me, but it's one of those jobs you only remember you need to do whilst on the job, so to speak.
Anyway I dismantled it today and the part of the bracket attached to the porcelain had a choice of 5 holes for the bolts each side, allowing for some adjustment. Imagine the No.5 configuration on a dice.. like this...
Excellent I thinks, the holes in the bog are 'square', the bog seat is square, so ill just move it forward a bit rather than using the central mounting hole.
Nope, still wonky, but sat further forward so a partial result.
To get the actual seat straight side to side, I had to use off-center holes. As in rear left and rear left, rather than rear left and rear right...
I have no idea why this is so. Nothings bent or damaged and all the holes and fixtures look 'square' in terms of they should line up the seat and throne top perfectly, yet they do not.
It was a very entertaining evening in the pub where she listed all the things that she had pulled out of people’s arse holes and all the excuses for them being up there in the first place.
One of those things I'd love to hear, but no way am I googling for any prerecorded versions....
Not really a crap design but an interesting mode of failure... I had a wooden loo seat that the wood had split along the grain. Unapparent to the casual observer as the split was held closed under tension. However put a bit of weight on it, with say, a bare arse and the crack would open a little. Just enough take a little, sharp bite of flesh when you stood up again.
On the ‘getting paid to pop’ thing. Many moons ago I worked in an open plan office in London, where it gradually became common knowledge that one particular colleague was in the habit of spending an inordinate amount of time at the coalface, sometimes being spotted in possession of a book whilst en route (this being before smartphones where a thing).
Unsurprisingly it didn’t take long for a sweepstake to be organised and we spent many happy weeks with a stopwatch and a spreadsheet, waiting each day to see if/when he would break the fabled 30min barrier.
In fact he proved to be more of a high achiever than we’d given him credit for, topping out at 53 minutes before the general downturn in productivity alerted senior management and his attempt at the hour record was cut frustratingly short.
No idea what happened to him. Probably a CEO somewhere. And to my utter regret I’m unable to say whether he was a stander or indeed a scruncher..
5 pages on toilets and no mention of Picolax....
And never Heard of standing up.
Having recently done my own research (as the tin foil hat brigade urge us to), I am unsure as to which camp I belong in. I certainly don't stay sitting, but wouldn't describe my position as standing either.
Starting with the traditional elbows on knees opening position, I progress by straightening my knees ever so slightly. Ankles and hips maintain the same angles as during opening position. Thus my weight is smoothly transferred to my feet leaving me in a very slightly off the seat position I like to think of as the Skier's Gambit.
Obviously folded paper*, hopefully two passes with a discrete mid term fold to do my bit for the planet.
*I'm not an animal.
which annoys the crap out of me
So maybe that was the point of it.
sometimes being spotted in possession of a book whilst en route
When I was in local government it was clear who was off to the bog by the rolled up newspaper under the arm.
Starting with the traditional elbows on knees opening position
I appreciate that for most people the sample size of evidence for your tradition is rarely considerably higher than "one," but either you're in no way being traditional or I'm not.
That sounds like the sort of behaviour that leads to a devil's bran muffin being powerwashed up the underside of the lid.
I guess i'm lucky in being quite tall, so the average bog kinda puts me into a semi-crouched position anyway.
Apparently this is a good position for the evacuation of the lower bowels without resorting to undue straining.
I wonder if there's a correlation between sit-to-wipers and cyclists able to check traffic behind then without the aid of mirrors?
Standers are all anti-vaxxers. There, I've said it.
The semi stand up -mini crouch requires a certain degree of leg stregnth I suppose, hahah!
Our downstairs trap is a crap design. The back wall slopes, so the foot of the cliff is further out to sea than the top.
A harmless bit of design flair you would think. However, unless I modify Opening Position into Italian Sports Car Slouch one's anatomy fires the charge against the sloping cliff face, creating a mudslide effect that often stays proudly up for inspection out of the water.
Fortunately the extractor fan switch is just in reach from the driver's seat.
What a time to be alive.
Our downstairs trap is a crap design. The back wall slopes, so the foot of the cliff is further out to sea than the top.
A harmless bit of design flair you would think. However, unless I modify Opening Position into Italian Sports Car Slouch one's anatomy fires the charge against the sloping cliff face, creating a mudslide effect that often stays proudly up for inspection out of the water.
Fortunately the extractor fan switch is just in reach from the driver's seat.
What a time to be alive.
