I think for the previous 17 years I have always tried to keep her happy.
I lived in a flat when we met, she suggested we move closer to our families. We moved to place in between our two families and I really settled in and loved it there.
She fell out with people in the village and decided the school was too far away (the local school the husband of the person she fell out with was on the board of governes so no way the kids could go there).
She talked me into moving again even though I was happy at the last place.
I feel really awful that I've gone along with everything even though it's not been what I want in the hope that things would improve.
Part of me thinks that now I have started to put my wellbeing first that she feels that she has lost control.
Through counselling and medication I have realised I also have a right to be happy and the fact I'm not immediately trying to appease her like usual has lead to this.
At this point and from your posts it sounds like she's got problems not you.
I'd be depressed living like that.
Does she work? At this point agree to knob all. Speak to a solicitor and CcJ the builder and get your cash back.
Sorry to hear this for all concerned.
Like others have said; get the best solicitor you can afford immediately, document everything, do not move out and be incredibly polite and amiable with her and the kids.....don't touch the booze whatsoever because that will be used against you. I'd also get in the headspace that this could get nasty as they often do. Be prepared to test your character, patience and temper. Do not rise to it. Women can be incredibly spiteful in these situations. Speaking from experience.
I read further up about a PI, could be worth a look to give you an idea as to what she's up to.
Nalla,
what an awful situation. Post whatever you need to on here. There is a lot of advice and support (and some nonsense but try to ignore that)
Keep up with all your support networks. I’m aware of Man shed and they do brilliant work.. it is absolutely not “Mickey mouse stuff” because it makes you happy.<br /><br />
As an outsider your wife’s comments appear particularly cruel, her ability to completely cut out previous friends and family at the drop of a hat because of a seemingly small issue is worrying.
you now have to prioritise yourself. You can’t effectively look after the kids if you aren’t looking after yourself. <br /><br />
Legal advice from the solicitor
mental heath care from the network you have set up
talking rubbish… venting.. here..
all the best to you.
Bloody hell Nalla, sending a man hug pronto.
This has some similarities to my best friend's ongoing divorce, the distillation of his experience leads to these pearls of wisdom:
Keep notes on all financial situations and , if your income is disappearing from the account then it is reasonable to have an idea where it went - is she setting up a nest egg? Keep this utterly secure.
Document all abnormal behaviour, whenever she makes a mad demand "Go live in a garage" being one, "Don't touch the house or have anything to do with the kids" being another, you get the idea. She is building a self fulfilling narrative here, don't fall for it. Also keep this utterly safe.
Try to keep out of court, it is a ridiculous and expensive system.
Be fair but not generous.
Discretely move anything of sentimental value out to a safe location.
My mate has been taken to family court and investigated by the police numerous times for various fictitious and malicious reasons, his record keeping and calm demeanour have seen him proud.
Lastly, keep up the Mickey Mouse stuff, as a fellow member of the Anxiety and Depression Club you are doing EXACTLY the right things.
do not get any solicitor or any other correspondence sent to the house. it is not secure, however much you may think that unreasonable. be calm and reasonable at all times in your interactions. take care of yourself.
You mention that you do the bulk of the cleaning, cooking, house maintenance etc. It might be worth making a record of this as this obviously is a significant resource and benefit for the family, and therefore may be a point in your favour when decisions are made about who has custody of the children should it come to that point. You also say you work from home and have lots of free time (you imply that your wife doesn't work from home) - again factors in favour of someone having the time to be able to look after the children.
Hope it all works out for you!
something else that doesn’t jive is
That checks out fully.
One is still in the family home, one is not. It's squeezing the OP out of his home, but close enough for child care duties.
Keep your chin up, and do the right thing by your kids.
Lastly, keep up the Mickey Mouse stuff, as a fellow member of the Anxiety and Depression Club you are doing EXACTLY the right things
Bears repeating.
There's nothing Mickey Mouse about getting involved with mens shed, or the woodland volunteering stuff, or your regular fitness club or your therapy. You're doing something about your previous mental health issues, and that is to be much lauded.
Part of me thinks that now I have started to put my wellbeing first that she feels that she has lost control.
I'm tempted to say 'Banzai' but it would be only speculation from where I'm sat.
And be careful not to beat yourself up over the vodka or anything else.
Quite. One bottle is literally nothing in the grand scheme of things.
https://www.britishcycling.org.uk/clubfinder
A club might be a good way back into riding, less commitment, just turn up and join in with the banter. Some may become mates if you want them to. There's usually a club to suit fitness and type of riding somewhere nearby, though the advent of the e-bike has caused some difficulties in MTB clubs since Covid in this part of the world.
My lawyer sister-in-law gave up family law because she found cases like yours depressing and stressful - that was as a third party - it will be depressing and stressful. Even more depressing and stressful were the violent and abusive cases, psychological and/or physical.
Moving out to the outhouse seems a bad idea, stick with it you are the kids main carer, stay that way, they need you, you need them.
I've hired a private detective for a business, good value for money, the discussion over their mission will be interesting, I think their quizzing of you might help you to see where you are. Your parent's (business) need(s) one. 😉
Not forgetting free advice is worth what you pay for it, including mine.
I’m not sure she’s having an affair and part of me thinks does it really matter
Someone I know thought his wife was upto something, I asked him why? He said she seems happy for a change.
Anyway, she liked a drink. After a bottle of gin he used her thumb to unlock her phone and looked at the messages. Turned out she was having an affair with a bloke at work.
He then logged her onto his apple iPad so every time she got a message or sent a message he could see it. He could also see where she was.
It was really bad for his mental health reading their dirty messages but it was really good for the divorce.
I guess it all depends on what's important. Mental health or money?
He went through a dark period in his life but now he's over it. The kids are fine. He has his own house and a good social life. He's even on good terms with the ex wife.
Tough times make tough people. Good luck
Strange things are happening to this thread.
Although it's good for OP to have somewhere to vent, I think putting that on the thread is not helpful to him.
Yes you're probably right. Sorry and thanks for removing it.
It was basically a huge long log of the last 24 hours from my side but with Police involved now I probably shouldn't have posted it all on a public forum.
I just feel so shit now and not sure when I'll see the kids again or when they will want to see me because of how my wife has portrayed the events.
Sorry again
Keep a record of everything that happens, dated and timed as soon as possible after it happens.
Notes on your phone are not secure enough, and do not have an accessible audit trail, which is important.
Keep it secure.
Why would his phone be insecure?
A locked phone with a pin is totally secure in a domestic situation.
Any notes he makes will have a time and date stamp.
Notes on your phone are not secure enough, and do not have an accessible audit trail, which is important.<br /><br />
if you want an audit trail then many notes apps (Evernote, one note, or something like google docs) would give you a far better audit trail than a paper record (and with less risk of it being lost etc). Generally speaking though if you give evidence under oath that notes were contemporaneous that will be accepted unless you are shown to be an unreliable witness. The whole point of the notes is to make you a more reliable witness - so when asked which order things happened in you can answer properly rather than a vague memory that the next witness shows must be incorrect.
I don't know what was posted and then deleted or why police are, apparently, involved but have you instructed a solicitor?
If not, do it now.
I probably shouldn’t have posted it all on a public forum.
Good call to get it taken off. I get that you feel the need to vent, but here's not the place for that level of detail about your life really. Shitty place to find your self in though, feel for you.
The pin can be cracked relatively easily, especially by someone who knows the owner and may have multiple opportunities to access the phone. There is a time and date stamp, but only of when the note was last written to. Admittedly there's likely to be a deeper audit trail within the phone, but it's likely to be expensive to access and validate. It's also too easy for someone to wipe or brick a phone, and there may not be a back up.
Not sure why you think a pin is easily cracked?
If i was in a situation like the OP i worry update to a new random pin.
As for notes, the android app allows you to an individual note for each entry and is dated.
I don't think posts about how/where to keep notes and associated merits/demerits will do anything to help the OP.
It's for him to decide what to do and how to do it - with guidance from his solicitor.
Sounds like a terrible situation. If the OP wants to know where his wife goes on her "drives" then maybe putting something like an Airtag in the car might be a cheaper option than a PI. Have to make sure that it is discrete and not detectable though.
Is there any way of decoupling the parental business? - does the OP do anything for it workwise?
I've not been in this situation but can imagine how it could very easily tear someone to pieces and lead to actions and comments way out of the norm.
A lot of information has been shared and we have quite a deep insight into the OPs life, to the degree that the wife comes over as very controlling and rather irrational.
The two traits combined and targeted at somebody under the pressure of receiving said abuse, could well lead to the feeling of just wanting out and sacking it all in (the situation, not life (hopefully))
If the OP or anybody gets to this stage, I'd suggest taking themselves away from the situation for a while and putting sense and order into what faces them - before making any rash or spontaneous decisions.
Write down the points and 'things' facing you individually. That way, they are manageable and you will find the strength and energy to deal with everything at your feet one step at a time.
Tackling situations in this manner can breed strength and confidence in a person and I'd imagine in this case, the wife won't know what to do when she is challenged and doesn't get her own way instantly.
Not sure if this helps the OP, but hope it maybe gives a different way of thinking.
definitely do not do this! As unlike hiring a PI is an offence which I’m sure would massively count against OP should she/police find out (which is almost 100% guaranteed with an AirTag as that’s what they’re designed to do)If the OP wants to know where his wife goes on her “drives” then maybe putting something like an Airtag in the car might be a cheaper option than a PI.
Maybe not an Airtag but GPS trackers are cheap and will not alert an iPhone. It may seem distasteful but the OP is in an adversarial situation and the more information he has the more informed his actions will be.
It may seem distasteful
It's also massively illegal and would quite possibly lead to the OP not needing to worry about the divorce anymore.
Sounds like a terrible situation. If the OP wants to know where his wife goes on her “drives” then maybe putting something like an Airtag in the car might be a cheaper option than a PI. Have to make sure that it is discrete and not detectable though.
Maybe not an Airtag but GPS trackers are cheap and will not alert an iPhone. It may seem distasteful but the OP is in an adversarial situation and the more information he has the more informed his actions will be.
Not only is this illegal as already pointed out but combined with doing something like this:
He then logged her onto his apple iPad so every time she got a message or sent a message he could see it. He could also see where she was.
It would give grounds for an easy win for her if she wanted to prove domestic abuse/controlling behaviour and put you on a watch list.
Genuine question - why is it illegal to track your family car with an airtag?
Proviso - I don't know what an airtag is!
Genuine question – why is it illegal to track your family car with an airtag?
Proviso – I don’t know what an airtag is!
tracking your car isn’t, not telling people that may be using the car that they are being tracked is very illegal.
An AirTag is Apples tracking device.
Cheers Tom!
But I'm not tracking the person driving, im tracking the car...
Nb - not being arguementative...
S2 Protection from Stalking Act 1997 would probably still see you potted though;
(3)The following are examples of acts or omissions which, in particular circumstances, are ones associated with stalking—
(a)following a person….
(f)interfering with any property in the possession of a person,
(g)watching or spying on a person
Its not highly illegal, just illegal, you’d only get a max of under a year
Cheers Kilo!
Got it now!
It's almost as if we used to do the same job or something 🤣🤣🤣
If you were only concerned about the car, why wouldn’t you tell all the folk driving it. Especially dodgy if you only started tracking it once you became concerned where another driver might be.
It’s almost as if we used to do the same job or something 🤣🤣🤣
I was going to mention lumping cars in the dead of night!!!!! 🙂
I don't know what your talking about 🤣🤣🤣
Tom, all your points are valid. I'm sure any family law solicitor would come up with them. Unfortunately, "on the balance of probability" can leave a nasty stain on any testimony. So I think your right, best not to do it!
Then when you consider kilo's points. It could go very wrong. Admittedly that criminal, not civil though...
Also remember stalking now comes with a Brucie Bonus entry on to the sex offenders register (in Scotland at least, may be different elsewhere).
But yeah, tracking anything isn't the illegal bit, spying on people is.
My typo
S2 Protection from Stalking Act 1997
is
S2 Protection from Harassment Act 1997
I went through something similar with my EX wife. Constantly trying to keep her happy but suffering in silence myself. I’m not that far from you if you ever want to go or a bike ride for slow unfit people, or just meet for a chat.
Any update @nalia?? I'm going through similar myself...
Constantly trying to keep her happy but suffering in silence myself.
And quite difficult to resolve without effectively living separate lives.
