Firstly we haven't shared a bed since our twins were born seven years ago so I guess it's not been right for ages, but it was always amicable.
We started some major house renovations in February and its been one disaster after another and has gone way way over budget to the point we had to re mortgage ,sell the camper van and I cashed in the majority of an aviva portfolio I had. The work is still way off from being completed and only the upstairs is habitable.
I started suffering from lack of sleep, anxiety and depression and this all came to a point in September where I drank a full bottle of vodka and ended up in A&E. It wasn't a suicide attempt it was just stupidly trying to switch off, I drank it so quickly like an idiot as it didn't seem to be working. I don't have a problem with drink and rarely have a cider at the weekend.
After getting home the next day feeling like a dick for wasting lots of peoples time I decided I needed to get some help and arranged for an assessment and inpatient stay at a Priory hospital that provided therapy sessions, group sessions and support. It was 100% voluntary and I could leave whenever I wanted. I stayed 4 weeks, Partly because it really was helping my mental health and It was better than being at home.
We have 3 children and for the last 7 years since the Twins were born I have done all the cooking ,washing, cleaning and house maintenance as I work from home and have lots of free time. Since getting out of hospital she has said I'm not to touch anything involving the kids or house , during an argument she mentioned something about me having a case for 50/50 access to the children if I resumed doing what I did before.
She also stated that she has seen a solicitor and no court would let me see the kids without her say so due to my A&E trip and stay in the Priory. (However this Weekend she went out Friday and Saturday and didn't return until after 2am so I don't think she can claim the kids are unsafe with me. She drops them off after school most nights and says she's going for a drive and comes back at the kids bedtimes also). She is out of the house for 90% of the day.
She wants me to move out of the bedroom that I have slept in solely since we moved into this house across into what is basically a series of garages ,one of which has a sink. No toilets and cold and damp.
Apparently I have to do this as she feels unsafe with me upstairs but I don't think that's fair as I have never been violent or aggressive and the A&E staff said the ambulance crew said I was a very passive drunk when I wanted to apologise.
The solicitor has apparently also told her she will get access to my pension and a 1/4 of my Parents two businesses of which I am a director. I would have to move out of the house and it would be sold when the kids are 18 (No way I could afford this currently)
My priority is the kids, they are great kids and I would want to make sure they would be comfortable when with her as I wouldn't try for full custody.
I'm seeing a solicitor myself tomorrow but just wanted to try and get an idea of what to do.
Christ that's a rambling dump sorry.
(Any regulars will easily be able to guess her name!) 🙁
Sorry to hear OP. I can't give any advice other than what my BiL has been given, he's currently in an extremely similar situation.
His solicitor said DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE.
Sorry to hear this
Is it worth getting a private investigator?
Her movements when she's out and about might strengthen your case for her not taking you for everything
But I have to ask. Are you certain that it's ONE event with the bottle of vodka that's been the catalyst for this? There seem to be some strong allegations flying around
That sounds like an absolute nightmare. No real advice to give except get some good legal advice ASAP. But this sentence struck me.
She wants me to move out of the bedroom that I have slept in solely since we moved into this house across into what is basically a series of garages ,one of which has a sink. No toilets and cold and damp.
'She wants' doesn't mean you have to jump at the click of her fingers. What you want is equally as valid, it's your house too. Would she think it reasonable if you asked her to move into the garage? If a break up is inevitable, make sure you are as proactive as she seems to be in retaining what you are entitled to.
She drops them off after school most nights and says she’s going for a drive and comes back at the kids bedtimes also). She is out of the house for 90% of the day.
I hope you manage to work something out for the sake of your health and your kids. I’ve been there.
But that statement rings alarm bells for me. It honestly suggests she’s seeing someone.
Sounds like a horrible situation. I can't imagine what that's like but you have my sympathies. Women can be hard when they've made up their minds on something. It sounds like you could do with some couple therapy if she was willing but it sounds like it may have gone too far.
Best of luck getting a decent resolution.
I'm fairly sure it was just the one event with the bottle of vodka. Weve been arguing more due to the stress and cost of the building works, there was one big argument about 2 weeks before I was stupid. She became very friendly with the builder and was constantly messaging him and he gave her a massage for her sore shoulder apparently. He had started other jobs and was not turning up at ours very often.
I told her that wasn't right and I messaged him to tell him I thought it was very unprofessional touching my wife, that we needed the job finished due to what it has cost us and the time its taken.
She wasn't happy and we barely spoke before I went into hospital.
I think we both realised during those 4 weeks were probably better apart.
Do not move out of the house.
100% she is having at least 1 affair.
Tin foil hat on, why have you passed all that money to the builder? Campervan,stocks and a remortgage?
Is there anything left to divide when you do split ?
How on earth did you end up in rehab after one incident? Did the Mrs suggest it?
As above, get a private detective on her case, find out what she is up to.
Move out. Get a flat. Get a solicitor. Take care of your own mental health and your children.
100% she is having at least 1 affair.
You don't know this, and it's not helpful.
OP - Sounds awful, and for empathy/sympathy/understanding/venting, use this place, it's great for that kinda thing. However, for advice, use a solicitor.
Get some advice from a lawyer if you think you're marriage is going to end, and you don't think it can be done amicably. Depending on who's name(s) the house is in, leaving temporarily doesn't necessarily effect your rights, and if you think it'd be best for your mental health and as a parent to your kids to do that, then do it.
You don't know this
They haven't slept together for 7 years and she was out until 2am two night's on the trot.
She has basically given their savings and equity to a builder who she texts constantly and gives her a massage.
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, its probably a duck.
I understand that you want to be helpful and supportive but it seems she is just taking the piss.
legal advice is a necessity to protect your position as is a good friend to confide in.
the first question is do you want to save the marriage - everything else depends on that.
the first question is do you want to save the marriage – everything else depends on that.
Reading the OP, there's no saving it... it's done.
It certainly sounds like she has made her mind up, and is operating strategically with the benefit of legal advice, so I'd strongly advise you do the same.
Unless you feel it is worsening your mental health, do not agree lightly to the move out of the family home. Banishing you to somewhere which is basically uninhabitable in winter suggests she certainly does not have your welfare in mind.
Carry on with the cleaning and caring for your children - as you say, her leaving them with you regularly does not scream that she considers you a danger to them. Keep a diary of this.
If, giving her the benefit of the doubt, she is just going for a drive, then should you have concerns for her mental health? She may need additional support.
Only move out if it's really what you want to do.
I went through a separation, though a fair bit more amicably than yours sounds, and my instinct was to leave, just because that was what I think I was conditioned to believe.
Anyway, I was told to stay by the good folk of STW and started to work out what would happen if I left.
I'd have have to keep the mortgage on the house going and also pay rent as my ex wasn't working. In effect I'd have been trapped until my ex decided to leave the house.
In the end I stayed and she moved out. Life has been tough over the last three years, make sure you look after yourself so you can be there for your kids.
I will add things get easier and everything will hopefully work out for the best.
Lastly, be kind to yourself and have a virtual hug.
Nella - been through a Divorce about 4 yrs ago. Firstly , as above get some legal advice. With any split involving finances/pensions etc this is where things get messy so a decent solicitor is a must.
Don't move out, but try to come to some arrangement if you can. maybe a couple of days away at family with the wife doing the same so the kids get care etc.
have you looked at getting mediation? this is something most couples should look at.
Have you got family who can support you?
Based on experience - and without speculating:
- do not move out
- see a solicitor as a priority
- ask her to explain her evening and weekend whereabouts; that question and any response will be useful to your solicitor
- keep a diary and keep in a safe place which she cannot access
- talk with your parents regarding how they protect their business to prevent her attempting to claim 25%; they should take legal advice
- tell her you want to see a letter from her solicitor to confirm she has one
- if you have joint bank a/c(s), stop paying in and set up your own sole name a/c(s)
- do you have a joint mortgage and, if so, what proportion of it does she pay?
- get professional advice on what circumstances, if any, would need to exist for you to be forced to move out
- tell her that your principal concern is for the children but you are not going to roll over
- it's very easy for one party to claim, without a shred of evidence, the other makes them feel unsafe; make 100% certain you make your solicitor fully aware of her assertion
Take care of yourself; if you don't, you will not be supporting your children nor will you be helping yourself.
operating strategically with the benefit of legal advice
Never believe the legal advice that the other party says they have received. Often its advice from a "friend" or the internet, sometimes its from a lawyer but retold through a lay persons eyes with their own bias, and often the lawyer has been told a version of events that would be different from if you told it.
These statements don't really correlate:
Firstly we haven’t shared a bed since our twins were born seven years ago so I guess it’s not been right for ages, but it was always amicable.
and
I’m fairly sure it was just the one event with the bottle of vodka
and
I think we both realised during those 4 weeks were probably better apart.
If you are both clear the relationship is over, there's no point fighting that, but you can still go for mediation to agree what the future looks like. It won't do your case any harm if you can show you've responded to the breakdown with civility and dignity and tried to calmly do the right thing for everyone involved. I'd suggest she's also got the wrong end of the stick about what you were doing in the priory. Perhaps a professional can help her rationalise that.
Of course talk to your solicitor, about your rights - but they should also be able to propose how sane couples resolve such disputes. BUT if she wants you to sleep in the garage that's the sort of behaviour that sounds like controlling behaviour. If the genders were switched, you'd potentially end up in the cells if you manipulated her to do that! Don't be afraid to speak up if she is being manipulative / unreasonable. Police and courts are starting to realise that domestic abuse is not always physical and is not always man on woman.
As an addendum to my earlier post, if this does go fully legal, do not forget that family courts generally presume in favour of the mother.
– ask her to explain her evening and weekend whereabouts; that question and any response will be useful to your solicitor
– tell her you want to see a letter from her solicitor to confirm she has one
I agree with the rest of your advice but I wouldn't do either of those, it's likely just to provoke a confrontation and put her more on the defensive - neither of which will benefit the OP's situation.
As an addendum to my earlier post, if this does go fully legal, do not forget that family courts generally presume in favour of the mother.
Not necessarily, if the OP is mainly working from home it will work well in his favour. When wife & I parted company (over 25yrs ago) she was the driving force & I told her she'd better be the one that left then, had 3 boys all under 7yo & was main reason I've been WFH for nearly 26yrs now.
Best of luck OP sounds like you've been through the grinder already 😕
My sister is a family law solicitor, and tells me that the presumption of the courts is not to favour one particular parent, instead it's to minimise disruption to the children. It just so happens that in the majority of the cases, their main caregiver tends to be the mother.
assets are not the property of one or the other partner.
Doesn't sound like there is much in the way of assets.
has gone way way over budget to the point we had to re mortgage ,sell the camper van and I cashed in the majority of an aviva portfolio I had.
Though enough cash to stay in a Priory Hospital for four weeks, with associated loss of earnings?
Private medical through work and a decent employer who pays salary when sick?
The amount of speculation on this thread is bordering on the distasteful.
The OP is clearly having a particularly crappy time. Offer support or advice, but don't pick over the bones FFS.
It feels that there to this than meets the eye but it sounds like she's using any excuse she can as leverage. What she tells you verbally that she thinks she's entitled to isn't worth the paper it's not written on.
The worst thing you can do is move out. And I sure as hell wouldn't be sleeping in a garage either, especially not in December.
Have you seen a doctor at any point (other than the incident)? Counselling and/or medication may help with the depression etc.
IHN - 100% agree with you.
The speculation is unacceptable and unhelpful.
OP posted that he '...just wanted to try and get some idea of what to do'.
Why not bear that in mind before pressing the submit button.
As for the cost of staying at The Priory the OP didn't say he paid for it.
He's a director of 2 companies owned by his parents; the cost could have been covered by an insurance policy or by his parents.
That's my first and last piece of speculation on this thread.
Talk to a lawyer/solicitor not STW. Hope it all works out whatever happens.
Thanks guys, made a list of questions to ask Solicitor.
Trying to see it from her side. I've been pretty depressed most of this year. I hadn't made the effort to make friends since we moved to this area and I'd stopped riding my bike. I didn't want to leave the house and felt horrible social anxiety , had little motivation to-do much but always tried to enjoy family trips and time with the kids. We would still spend time together and she always put the lack of intimate contact down to hormones from all the IVF treatment we/she had.
When I left the hospital she said she thinks I should be out of the house most of the day "like a normal person" but the advice from counsellors was to start small.
I told her I was going to be going to a support group called Men's Shed which does community projects, I signed up to volunteer at a community woodland/forest school project (I really enjoy this and they have asked me to get a dbs check so I can contribute to more sessions). I joined a fitness club that runs in the local village hall and I attend 1-1 therapy each week. My mental health has improved greatly and I now have people I can call or go out for lunch and talk to
This apparently is all "Mickey mouse stuff"
I have worked the same way and same hours since the day we met 17 years ago. I told her maybe she should get out of the house more and she seems to have taken that to the extreme.
I have no doubt things are over. Once she makes up her mind then that's it. She hasn't spoken to her Dad for 8 years over him offering our eldest extra chocolate cake. Every friendship I've seen her make from a 9 year NCT class friend who's daughter grew up with my eldest. To her friend in the village, to our neighbour who we went away on holiday with. One argument and she cuts them off, blocked no further contact so I imagine I'm now on that list. I think the only reason we have stayed together so long is due to me hating conflict and always trying to make things right.
I'm not sure she's having an affair and part of me thinks does it really matter (other than the thought of some other guy living in this house that has cost so much).
The house still has some value as it is quite large with a decent bit of land. Other assets are my pension.
I paid for the first two weeks in the Priory with money we had set aside for the driveway which the builder never started on the agreed date. The following 2 weeks I asked my Dad for a loan. I still received my salary (Although I didn't spend a penny that month and it was still all gone)
I feel sick reading and sharing all this and should probably stop until I know for sure what my obligations and rights are.
Don't try to 'see it from her side'.
Your solicitor should be your 'go to' and would tell you exactly the same if you expressed that view to them.
The most important considerations are you and your children.
Taking care of your mental health and general wellbeing is definitely not 'mickey mouse stuff' - it's essential so...do what you can to expunge that odious view from your mind.
As above and don't go in for any generous gestures like paying the mortgage for a year when you're not living there (don't ask), you'll still get well and truly done up like a kipper.
Binding arbitration is available and much less expensive / stressful than going to court. If you go to court the only folk that win are the lawyers. They do like a nice adversarial court case
https://www.jonesmyers.co.uk/what-are-the-key-benefits-and-costs-of-arbitration-in-divorce/
something else that doesn't jive is
Firstly we haven’t shared a bed since our twins were born seven years ago so I guess it’s not been right for ages, but it was always amicable.
and
wants me to move out of the bedroom that I have slept in solely since we moved into this house across into what is basically a series of garages ,one of which has a sink. No toilets and cold and damp.
sorry to hear all this Nalla, anyway.
She hasn’t spoken to her Dad for 8 years over him offering our eldest extra chocolate cake. Every friendship I’ve seen her make from a 9 year NCT class friend who’s daughter grew up with my eldest. To her friend in the village, to our neighbour who we went away on holiday with. One argument and she cuts them off,
This tells it's own story.
Sorry that you're going through this OP. Ignore the speculation on here, it's really no one else's business but yours.
I have no doubt things are over. Once she makes up her mind then that’s it. She hasn’t spoken to her Dad for 8 years over him offering our eldest extra chocolate cake. Every friendship I’ve seen her make from a 9 year NCT class friend who’s daughter grew up with my eldest. To her friend in the village, to our neighbour who we went away on holiday with. One argument and she cuts them off, blocked no further contact so I imagine I’m now on that list. I think the only reason we have stayed together so long is due to me hating conflict and always trying to make things right
There is one heck of a lot to unpick there. Red flag on personality disorder, BPD or maybe NPD, may also be something like bipolar going on. Flipping that around - what help has she sought for these problems? Or does she believe there are no problems on her side and its all you at fault? If the answers are "none" and "yes" then I think you have a mountain to climb if you wanted to repair the relationship.
[Edit - look up 'splitting']
Keep your own mental health in mind.
Look after yourself, so you can look after your kids.
Get legal advice.
Do not move out of the house yet. Get advice first.
Stay strong.
Don’t try to ‘see it from her side’.
Your solicitor should be your ‘go to’ and would tell you exactly the same if you expressed that view to them
All of that. This is no longer amicable and it's unpleasant but you will likely get the best result by listening to legal advice. It is also, as mentioned above, quite possible that she doesn't have any legal advice yet. The world isn't naturally fair however much we want it to be so getting proper advice is the best way to get a 'fair' result
Andbe careful not to beat yourself up over the vodka or anything else. Life is extremely hard and we all break down in various ways at times, we just don't all have someone waiting in the wings to take advantage 🙁
I think most of the divorce wisdom I would spread has already been said.
I hadn’t made the effort to make friends since we moved to this area and I’d stopped riding my bike.
Now this is something STW should be able to help with, I wonder how many forum members are near your area and would drag you out for bike cake and coffee!
Cheers, I'm just outside Worcester and close to the Malverns. I've ridden the marked routes in the Malverns and they were fairly tame.
I believe there is some good stuff there but have no idea how to link it together.
The hills are also really steep and I doubt I have the fitness to keep up with a regular group.
I'd really like to find one though as riding with friends was a big part of of my life where we previously lived.
I’ve been pretty depressed most of this year.
...
I have worked the same way and same hours since the day we met 17 years ago.
One does not bounce a 17-year relationship over a few months of a wobble unless a) there is more to this than you're letting on or b) she's not well mentally herself. And from your subsequent posts it's increasingly sounding like the latter.
Sorry to read this OP. Stay strong and keep posting if it helps. Her name is Louise isn’t it?
