MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that
she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees....
Nick Clegg - future PM
What do the donkeys at Blackpool pleasure beach get for lunch?
About half an hour.
I hate Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves!
IGMC
Arnold Schwarzenegger wakes up on easter morning...
He goes to work, and his secretary asks him:
"Hey Arnie, did you get any easter eggs?"
Arnie replies, "Nooo! I did not!"
His secretary says, "awww, poor Arnie... you sad?"
to which Arnie replies, "Nah! I still love easter , baby!"
BOSH!!!
I told my wife I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. She called me an idiot and said it would never work.
Should've seen her face when I drove pasta
Which Frenchman is credited with inventing the open toed sandal?
Phillipe Philop
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full up
I went to have my testicles examined at the gp's and the little Thai nurse said 'don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure' I said I haven't got an erection, and she said 'no but I have'..
My Thai girlfriend said a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship..
I still wish she didn't have one though..
How can you tell you have a high sperm count?
She has to chew before you can swallow.
Just found out my mates resorted to drinking brake fluid.
I'm concerned, but he's told me he can stop any time he wants to.
Saw a bunch of the walking undead this morning, looking really surprised.
Must be zomgbies.
I met a bloke in a wheelchair today, his face was all battered and bruised.
"What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.
"Wheelchair Boxing?" I enquired.
"No..." he said, "110m hurdles."
I went to see the nurse for a routine checkup. Half way through she announced 'Sir, you really need to stop masturbating.' 'Why?' I asked. 'Because I'm trying to examine you.'
RM.
How do you make a hormone?
Punch her in the face 😳
Stephen Hawkings not been well. Broken Nose, fractured wrist, bruised knees.....went out on a blind date......but she stood him up!
Seriously though, he nearly died whilst being treated. It's True, his heart stopped for a while....fortunately a quick thinking nurse switched him on and off at the wall a few times and hes OK now!
[i]Bdum Tish[/i]
Hedghogs
Why can't they share the hedge?
My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night. "I've cooked dinner," she screamed, "And if you're not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog." "Woooah! That's bang out of order!" I said, "It's not his fault."
Im just at the hospital at the moment. A word of warning - the Dyson ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was !
Can't do anything right! The missus asked me to make her feel young again in the bedroom, but went mad when I pulled out the white wig and cigar.
To the OP - Not having much luck are you?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interupting Cow.
Interrupting Cow wh- [i][b]MOOOOOOOOOOOOO![/b][/i]
(Can'tclaim credit for this one: it was on last jokes thread on here and I loved it)
My wife's been missing for two weeks now. Today a police faily liaison visited and told me to expect the worst. So I'm off down the charity shop to see if I can get her clothes back.
My wife's an internet pr0n star.
She's going to be furious when she finds out!
A Halloween joke for you.
What goes "ooo, ooo"?
A cow with no lips.
After finishing 10 pints I was dangerously weaving in the middle of the road.
I thought, "It'd probably be safer to make this cane chair at home."
She said "---- -- ------ ------ and ---- -- -----".
So I ------ --- ----- and ----- --- ----.
Young lad runs into a bar and orders a large scotch. The barman pours him one and he grabs it and downs it in one.
Barman says "Whoa! ooks like we're celebrating. What is it?"
Young lad says "I've just had my first BJ"
Barman says "Thats a good excuse to celebrate have another on me"
Young lad says "No thanks, I thought it would get rid of the taste but it hasn't"
Was sitting opposite a punk on the bus the other day. You know the sort big red mohican, blue, green and yellow feathers in his hair. After a few minutes he says "What the f*&k are you looking at old man" I replied "I was in Paraguay in 69 and f@"ked a parrot I thought you might be my son"
Girlfriend wanted to liven up out love life a little so bought herself a Lara Croft outfit as a surprise to me. She got done up in all the gear and burst into the bedroom and announces "Lara Croft", should have seen her face when I said "F*@king hell Lara love you've let yourself go!"
Bloke bought his wife a pair of crotchless panties
not for anything kinky
Just so she could get a better grip on her broomstick
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Phillipe Floppe
My Mrs came home all upset, she had just consented to having her mothers life support machine switched off.
She said it was the hardest thing she had ever done.
Shes never sneezed whilst holding a full pint has she !
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Phillipe Floppe
Those big sliding window things were invented by an Irishman. Paddy O'Doors.
And an Indian guy invented the bulletproof vest. Pting Ptang.
Plagiarised from a more innocent era on STW.
Duck walks into a bar and asks;
'Have you got any bread'. Landlord replies 'No'
'Have you got any bread'. 'No'
Have you got any bread'. 'No'
Landlord says 'if you ask me that one more time i'll nail your beak to the bar.
'Have you got any nails'. 'No'
'Have you got any bread'
Thought it was a crap joke until i told it to a room of drunken friends. Hilarity ensued.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out
I was in a restaurant and asked how they prepare their chicken.
They said they don't they just tell it that it's going to die
Why can't women make pancakes...?
Because they are useless tossers :o)
Bought my wife a pug dog the other day. Despite the squashed nose, bulgy eyes and rolls of fat; the dog seems to quite like her.
Wife "All you ever do is push me about and talk behind my back."
Husband "Well, you are in a wheelchair."
My wife's been missing for two weeks now, and yesterday the police family liaison officer told me to expect the worst. So I went to the charity shop and got all her things back.
I had a visit from the Grim Reaper last night, but I managed to fight him off with the vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with Death
Wife stood naked in front of the bedroom mirror says to her husband "I'm ugly, fat and disgusting. Pay me a compliment" husband says "well....your eyesight is spot on"
Van Gogh sitting in the pub and his mate comes in
"Vincent, do you want a pint?"
"No thanks, I've got one 'ere."
what's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.
Bloke goes into the Doctor's and says
"Doctor, I'd like you to have a look at my penis."
So she puts on a pair of rubber gloves and gives him a thorough examination. After a couple of minutes she stands up and says, "Well, I can't see anything wrong with it."
"I know" He replies, "it's f*cking magnificent isn't it."
Lol at onza.
What's orange, hairy and floats?
A hot air baboon
Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?
The ultrasound guy.
Wife stood naked in front of the bedroom mirror says to her husband "I'm ugly, fat and disgusting. Pay me a compliment" husband says "well....your eyesight is spot on"
Reminds me of:
Wife stood naked in front of the bedroom mirror complaining about how small her boobs were. Husband says "well if you get a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts, every morning and evening, they'll grow bigger".
"Really?!" says the wife.
Husband says "Well sure, it worked for your arse didn't it!"
Setup:
labsey - MemberWho's the coolest guy in the hospital?
The ultrasound guy.
When the ultrasound guy's on holiday, who's the coolest guy in the hospital?
The hip replacement guy.
Did you hear [i][insert grubby rival town's name here][/i] is getting a new zoo? It's not much of a zoo. In fact it's rubbish. It's just a small Chinese dog in a box.
It's a Shih Tzu.
(I laughed like I was shrooming the first time I heard that joke).
Oh and:
What does a one-legged man wear on the beach?
Flip-flips.
Did you hear about the pig that drew a picture of himself?
It was a self-pork-trait!
Scots bloke goes to New York to help with the Hurricane Sandy clean up effort.
American guy asks him "Where are you from?"
Scotsman "Glasgow"
American "What states that in?"
Scotsman "Pretty much the same as here"
Bloke goes into the Doctor's and says
"Doctor, I'd like you to have a look at my penis."
So she puts on a pair of rubber gloves and gives him a thorough examination. After a couple of minutes she stands up and says, "Well, I can't see anything wrong with it.""I know" He replies, "it's f*cking magnificent isn't it."
A day in the life of Hora?
Guy walks into a bar and asks for 20 shots of the most expensive whiskey. As soon as the barman pours each shot, the guys necks it down until all 20 have been consumed. 'Blimey' says the barman 'thirsty?' to which our man responds with 'well you'd be drinking this fast if you had what I have'
'Oh my, if you dont mind me asking, what do you have?'
'39p'
Phah..
I've no sense of humour but some of those made me LOL
Guy walks into the bedroom, where his wife is lying in bed, with a sheep under his arm and says "This is the pig I sH@g with when you're not around" His wife says "I think you'll find that's a sheep". The guy says "I think you you'll find I was talking to the sheep"
Scots bloke goes to New York to help with the Hurricane Sandy clean up effort.American guy asks him "Where are you from?"
Scotsman "Glasgow"
American "What states that in?"
Scotsman "Pretty much the same as here"
I remember seeing an interview outtake on 'It'll be alright on the night' with a slightly punch drunk bare knuckle fighter. He's just won a elimination bout so he's had been fighting and winning back to back matches all day
Interviewer "What kind of state are you in after 20 back to back fights?"
Boxer "errrrrm. Idaho?"