Inanimate objects which are pricks

I dated a girl who swore that her Feista had erogenous zones that need a tickle before it started..

I dated a girl who swore that her Feista had erogenous zones that need a tickle before it started..

are you sure it wasn’t a Volvo?

Inspired by this thread I decided to google the instructions to my Ikea microwave, to see if I could persuade it to only beep once on completion... but no. The designer, who is clearly a **** of the highest order, decided that the damn thing should repeat the beep not just once again, but once a minute for 10 minutes! And obviously there's no way to change this 🤬

Duvet covers. They are pricks to go on and  pricks to come off.

Nonsensical washing machine settings.
If I come back with muddy kit I give it a hose rinse then a washing machine rinse.
Except this new machine has a rinse setting that takes 45minutes.
Or I put it on the 15minute wash.

Microsoft Authenticator. <opens teams or any O365 app to be greeted by> "YOU NEED A NEW CODE!" <opens authenticator, select the account to generate the code >"YOU NEED A NEW CODE!" you snivelling pile of junk, why are you trying to 2fa a request within the 2fa app, you've basically started an infinite loop.

British plugs are comedy. Superbly engineered for their job and backed by amazing post-war propaganda to hide the fact they needed to be overengineered as Britain was broke, couldn't afford to rewire the place with individual circuits and so entrusted the fused plug to protect our heroic population. Meanwhile the whole* of continental Europe got RCDs, properly shielded schuco plugs & sockets and largely future proof electrics.

*ok the Swiss and Italians went their own way but came around eventually.

are you sure it wasn’t a Volvo?

Christ, I'm dying. Zinger of the week sir, well played.

Nonsensical washing machine settings.

Yep, my cheap beko machine has 20 odd setting and a normal wash at 30° takes 90mins or so, gawd knows what all the other settings do as I’ve never used them, needless to say I only use the super short wash at 30° which takes 28mins.

Sunvisors which are clearly designed for a non existent rear view mirror. Absolutely shite. Either leave the Mirror or fit longer visors you tight bastards.

The sheer amount of small electrical gadgets (toothbrushes, exfoliators), that could be recharged magnetically…

Sunvisors which are clearly designed for a non existent rear view mirror. Absolutely shite. Either leave the Mirror or fit longer visors you tight bastards.

I've got a Connect too. What also annoys me is the unemployed lump on that sensor cover that the mirror could attach to. How hard/expensive would it have been to design a flat cover foe MOST vans that have a bulkhead or no rear windows?

greatbeardedone

... exfoliators),

Username doesn't check out.

^^^^guitar pedals, dustbusters, and Bluetooth headphones too.^^^^

🎵 These are a few of my favourite things 🎵

(Aside, trying to remember the actual lyrics to that song, my brain just came up with "... and handles on kittens," that surely can't be right.)

seems unlikely

although useful in some circumstances

Mittens on kittens? Which frankly seems daft.

You've clearly not met my kittens.

You’ve clearly not met my kittens.

They've not tried to take a dump in my garden then?

its whiskers on kittens is it not?

#

That makes more sense, although it'd have to be a long favourite things list.

Last time I hired a van it had a bulkhead and a rear view mirror. Of all the annoying pointless....

I was told if a van had rear windows it needed a mirror even with a bulkhead.

This one didn't have rear windows...

They’ve not tried to take a dump in my garden then?

Highly unlikely unless your garden is in my kitchen.

Blood pressure monitors. “Let’s see whether you can still relax while I squeeze your arm far tighter than necessary.”

ossify
Full Member
Last time I hired a van it had a bulkhead and a rear view mirror. Of all the annoying pointless…

Scaffolder spec?

A mirror would mean not being blinded due to sunvisors that are too short. It’s like a third sunvisor or handy to get crap out of your eye on a proper poverty spec van with no visor mirror.

Toyota Hiace used to have that. Was useful when a tipper truck knocked my side mirror off. Un clip drivers mirror and gaffer tape to mirror stump. Was also impressed at the whole replacement mirror being £12 or something daft like that.

I dated a girl who swore that her Feista had erogenous zones that need a tickle before it started..

are you sure it wasn’t a Volvo?

one does not simply date a Volvo

Supermarket self-checkout machines.
Some of them are ok... others just need strangling.

I'm ready to escalate the war I'm having with my alarm clock to 'Caddyshack' levels. It's an Amazon Echo Dot. Very small and unobtrusive with a LED clock face on it. It sits about 30cm away from my ear on the bedside table. My wife loves it.

The alarm volume.....

No matter how it is set, the alarm volume will randomly reset to apocalypse levels. I've even set up a routine on the damn thing so that it reduces the volume to 10% around 30 minutes before I get up. I heard it beep at 10% this morning, but when the music started 30 minutes later? I left an imprint in the ceiling.

It hates me and I hate it.

Supermarket self-checkout machines.

Are all, to a machine, utter pricks.

Surprising item in the bagging area... no, no there is not...

I have the same Echo next to the bed and haven't had that issue. Get on to Amazon support? Maybe it's broken.

Surprising item in the bagging area… no, no there is not…

"Unexpected" but yes. What were you expecting in the bagging area if not my shopping? A scale model of the Eiffel Tower? Ant and Dec? What?

Honestly though, it's the animate objects using them which are real pricks here. The local Tesco has had the truly braindead idea on making the Scan As You Go tills (with the little barcode guns you carry round the store) the same ones as Self Scan. Unless I'm buying something which needs an attendant (which is a whole other gripe) I've Scanned and Gone inside of ten seconds. Invariably though they tills are gridlocked by pricks who have decided to do their annual shop at 3:50pm on a Sunday. When they've finally scanned all their shopping, just before the heat death of the universe, they then - THEN - start bagging everything up into their trolley. Just take your shit and piss off.

but when the music started 30 minutes later? I left an imprint in the ceiling.

Humble brag.

Freezers. Specifically, our freezer and the 'door open' alarm that goes off after an insufficient period of time has passed. FFS all I'm doing is loading in the weekly shop, won't you let me do it without the hysterical BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP shenanigans please. The only way to silcence it it to close then reopen the door, but then of course the suction or whatever the **** happens mean you just about wrench the door off trying to reopen the ****er. Prick.

Invariably though they tills are gridlocked by pricks who have decided to do their annual shop at 3:50pm on a Sunday. When they’ve finally scanned all their shopping, just before the heat death of the universe, they then – THEN – start bagging everything up into their trolley. Just take your shit and piss off.

Quality rant, good work!
And yes - what is it about people who use those tills dumping all their stuff into the packing area BUT NOT ACTUALLY PACKING IT?!

It's specifically called The Packing Area. Put bag in it, scan item, pack. End, pay, pick up bag, go.
Not - dump all your groceries in random piles, pay, spend another 10 minutes packing them into bags, then go.

Absolute morons.

And on a related note - automatic e-passport gates. Seriously people, how difficult can it be?! Follow arrows and instructions. Scan passport. Get through.
The problem is that the machines are not designed to cope with the utter stupidity of the average airline passenger so if they're 4mm out of line or blink at the wrong time, the machine will throw a fit. Although I'm still willing to go with 10% machine fault and 90% fault with the moron passenger trying to use it.

“Unexpected” but yes. What were you expecting in the bagging area if not my shopping? A scale model of the Eiffel Tower? Ant and Dec? What?

Ice skating mongooses dancing the Bolero.

The problem is that the machines are not designed to cope with the utter stupidity of the average airline passenger so if they’re 4mm out of line or blink at the wrong time, the machine will throw a fit. Although I’m still willing to go with 10% machine fault and 90% fault with the moron passenger trying to use it.

This is half the trouble of the supermarket machines. They know half the users will be morons and sometimes overcompensate for this so that the machine is constantly bleating at you to do things which you are in the middle of doing already, or locks down everything and calls the attendant at the slightest hiccup when the problem is easily fixed by removing the speck of dust that just fell onto the scales or something but NOOO it's got to be checked by the attendant, who half the time doesn't know how to control the thing anyway, scrolling through the menus when the relevant button is right there under their stupid nose.

That was a long sentence.

Tip: in Tesco, always try to use the cash & card machines, not the card only ones. The "ready for next item" time after scanning is much faster, so you can actually scan things one after the other without having to wait for a second or two after every single thing you put on the scales.  I think I even timed it once (that's how sad I am), the card only machines are about 1.5 seconds slower. May not sound like much but it's enough to be really frustrating.

Ice skating mongooses dancing the Bolero

Or a turner seascape perhaps?

Packing areas on self service tills, why are they a tiny tray 4 foot in the air with no sides?  I often shop on the way home by bike, I have panniers for the shopping, but, they can't be stood in the bagging area so I have to leave then in the trolly or on the floor while trying to balance my shopping jenga style on the scale with the heavy items at the bottom.  Then, I have to reverse the whole process to pack the panniers with the heavy items first.  How hard would it be to have a baging area that actually allowed the use of bags other than carrier bags?  Pricks.

This is half the trouble of the supermarket machines. They know half the users will be morons and sometimes overcompensate for this so that the machine is constantly bleating at you to do things which you are in the middle of doing already, or locks down everything and calls the attendant at the slightest hiccup when the problem is easily fixed by removing the speck of dust that just fell onto the scales or something but NOOO it’s got to be checked by the attendant

Yeah, the ones in Poundland are buggers for that, to the extent that I refuse to use them. The ones that Wilco had were excellent, just a scanner ‘gun’ on a cable, on a till without a human, so it was such a doddle to just touch the ‘Start’ button and scan the barcodes, press ‘finish’, and tap your card. Exactly how the process should work, but no, the shops have to over-complicate an otherwise simple task, by having unnecessary bag sensors, etc. What’s that acronym? KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid; that should be the guiding principle behind any customer-facing service machine.

Packing areas on self service tills, why are they a tiny tray 4 foot in the air with no sides? I often shop on the way home by bike, I have panniers for the shopping, but, they can’t be stood in the bagging area

If you ask the attendants they can set the machine so you can pack directly into your bags - I do it all the time.  P)ut it on the machine, press " using own bags" and sometimes it will accept them but if not the staff can accept them

Ice skating mongooses dancing the Bolero.

Thank you, Arnold.

it’s got to be checked by the attendant, who half the time doesn’t know how to control the thing anyway

My local is an anomaly where they assume everyone is a shoplifter until proven otherwise, but that particular store aside, nine times out of ten the attendant just clears whatever alert has been raised without checking anyway.

If you ask the attendants they can set the machine so you can pack directly into your bags – I do it all the time.

Literally every one I've used, this is a standard option on the front screen, no attendant required.

When I say 'can't be stood in the bagging area', I mean because they can't be perched on the tiny scales.  It'd be easy if I could pack the bags while they were in a trolly but that would bypass the scales and I've never come accross a store that'll let you bypass the weighing process.

USB plugs.

Not the small end, the big end that goes into computer or plug adaptor.

There's only 2 sides, so its 50/50, but chances are you'll always get the wrong side if you try to plug it in without paying extra special attention to which side is which.

There must be some law of the universe at play with them things.

There's at least three sides to USB-A plugs, I'm sure. There's the wrong way, the right way, and the right way you had correct first time around but it wouldn't plug in because it's a malevolent prick.

Umm, dildos?

(to answer the original question)

Even worse are the washing machines that play what feels like a 45 minute ‘tune’ to announce they’ve completed. I wouldn’t mind if I could turn it off and use a separate time but I can’t!

I like my Samsung rendition of The Trout. There, I said it.

There’s no malice, it’s just that USB plugs exist in a higher number of observable dimensions than most- they have the usual three spatial dimensions plus time, they just also have ‘how many time has someone tried to plug me in recently’ as a further dimension that must have the correct value (>3).

I'm not proud of this, but when I got my first USB-C device I thought I'd just finally got good at putting USB plugs into sockets, after years of failure

There’s at least three sides to USB-A plugs, I’m sure. There’s the wrong way, the right way, and the right way you had correct first time around but it wouldn’t plug in because it’s a malevolent prick.

They exist in a quantum state until observed. A bit like Schrödinger's cat.

You actually have to look at the orientation of the plug and socket before you can plug it in.

Once you accept this Universal truth, (the clue is in the name Universal serial bus) it's far less stressfull.

I now put a X on in pen showing 'Up' on all my USB's

Umm, dildos?

isn’t the whole point of those that they’re NOT pricks ?