[Closed] How not to give a hoot about things ? . Not easy is it!

tough one, and not one I've cracked myself.  I know the theory, I feed stuff through my (TM) Givea****ometer and ask myself

will i care about this tomorrow

will i care about this next week

will i care about it next month

will i care about it next year (or even remember it)

and depending which boxes get an X allow it to take that much worrying.

The trouble I have is that if I don't actively refuse to allow it into one of those categories, it does end up in one and I end up stewing about it anyway. It doesn't come naturally and I have to actually ask myself those questions at times.

what "things" ?

I wonder if this is what mindfullness is for (?)

Having suffered with anxiety for 30 yrs or more and being quite a sensitive individual

I struggle to not give a **** about things and I'm a quite an insensitive individual who doesn't struggle with anxiety. However, I do struggle with an excessively noisy, chattery internal brain noise. All the time. And yes a beer or two of an evening damps it down a bit. In an effort to kick that habit I looked into CBD oil (not into cannabis or pot culture in any way) and while I didn't notice any effect sticking to the stated doses  a larger dose seemed to help me sleep. Apparently it can help people who suffer with anxiety too, ymmv.

I’ve recently started a yoga class and that’s working for me. I feel very calm and untroubled after an hour and 15 mins of yoga.

Ever seen Bridge of Spies? decent effort from Tom Hanks around a spy swap between Russia and the US when Gary Powers got shot down in his U2...

Aaaaanyway, the Russian Spy, when he was facing trial/possible execution at the hands of his captors, Hanks asks him if the situation worried him. 'Would it help?' was his response. and again when it looked like the russians would do the same to him, for (not) spilling the beans. "would it help?' This, i think allowed him to sleep at night despite all that pressure.

Actually saying it out loud helped me when i was asked (repeatedly, by various family members...) if i was worried about potentially losing a toe, and having an eye sewn shut within a week of each other. (neither of which happened, so if i had worried, it would have been a wasted effort anyway)

Have a read up on Stoicism, i think thats the theory behind all that...

1 part vermouth to 3 parts exceptionally dry gin, olives to taste few of those and giving a shit doesn't exist

with a 30 year history of anxiety have you had counselling?  It can be a great help

For me over the years and with the help of books and counselling I have learned to understand that some things "just are"  No fault. no way to change them and just to accept them.  Took me a long time to come to this point of view and I still get very angry about things that could be different and better but I can also accept calmly that some things "just are" and cannot be changed.

Probably the other part for me is I try very hard to live by my personal philosophy witch is " do as much good as you can, do as little harm as you can. have as much fun as you can"

I am usually content because I know I have done the first of these to the best of my ability.  I have done what I personally can to make the world a better place and have to accept the things I cannot change for the better

Make any sense?

It's ok to care about stuff. In fact a lot of the wrongs of the world are people not giving a shit about things or others. The key is letting things go when it doesn't matter. Often easier said than done.

if i cant change it or at least have an influence on it ..... it rarely gets a second thought - and I've said as much to management when questioned on stuff.

Which really helps when you work in Africa as there is very little you can change or influence.

As a colleague once said in my early days .... dont try to understand.

Stress came close to killing my dad , i am more worried about worrying about getting stressed than i am getting stressed by external sources - therefore to other people i often come across as not giving a shit when it comes to work related stuff. - those i work closely with know the score.

I view anxiety as a fear of the future, rather than depression which is to do with the past.

What is it about the future that causes you to feel the way you do? Identify them, so when one of your habitual recurring thoughts flashes into your consciousness, recognise that trigger and before you start to engage with the thought and an internal dialogue, stop and give yourself the freedom and choice as to whether you're going to follow that well worn and trodden path.

You could try not engaging and focus on something that you're doing, even if it's making a cup of tea. Focus on what and how it is to make that cup,of tea and recognise that this is all you have to do at this very moment and you're feeling good. You can do nothing about what is come in the same way that what's happened before has happened, you can't change that either.

Learn to trust yourself and believe that everything will be fine, because you have faith and trust in yourself. You've got this far and quite frankly, the fact you're posting on a forum on the interweb indicates that it could be a whole lot worserer. Recognise that and give yourself a well done.

Behavioural habits are addictive, because they're safe, even when they're not in our own best interests. It's another form of addiction, possibly one of the worst because you have to live with yourself. Silencing the chattering mind is an essential life skill if you are seeking a life of inner calm and peace.

Only a fool continues to hit his head against a wall and expect different results. Try to change, give yourself a choice as to how you react to your world.

HTH

I found that going through a life threatening and changing disease worked pretty well for me. Not really best recommended route though ! 😀

Drugs.

Since I've not been allowed to have a smoke of an evening I found myself fretting more and getting myself worked up about things that previously never bothered me.

I've become more self aware, or rather more aware of the things that have always pissed me off but I've never much bothered about.

Even friends have said that I've become more difficult to be around at times. Two years ago I would get wound up about things but would laugh them off and make a joke about it. Now they say that I just end up angry. And u can feel it within me. There are some topics I don't want to discuss as I know I'll only say something unpleasant and will likely upset someone.

This probably says more about me than the OP.

Have a read up on Stoicism

I do suffer from the same anxiety.  Since November last year I’ve been reading up on this a lot.   I drove myself to a frenzy for work in December, and it manifested itself on here where I became quite unpleasant.  Tom Howard kindly provided some advice for me which gave me pause for thought and for which I remain grateful to him.

I also recently started with some CBT for fear of flying and the two together have made it quite obvious that may anxiety not only perpetuates itself, but the Stocism together with the CBT reveal into your minds workings really helps.  Almost on a daily basis now I’m asking myself “could I have dealt with that better” (the outcome usually being yes, and that the event didn’t lead to a happier me - stocism) and “ do I really need to do this”?

Pretty much accepting that what you have is pretty ****ing awesome, and actually what you have doesn’t need to be very much at all is very mind settling.  You also need to accept that media - including this site - is a very paraphrase of life.  As an example look at the recent Bangernomics thread - suddenly less STW’s are rolling around in new German cars than you think - don’t get sucked in to the life you see to forsake the one you don’t.

Ultimately all we need is our loved ones and perhaps a beer and a pizza at the weekend.  That doesn’t mean we can’t splash out on a bottle of Prosecco now an again, but we don’t have to do that because our neighbours did!  Happiness is about gratitude sometimes, today I spoke to my kids for which I’m grateful of the opportunity.  I’m posting here on the posh end of a train drinking red wine for which I’m grateful for the opportunity, and I travel so that I may fulfil the next passage of play in my employment which means I’m getting a funded trip to Edinburgh - for which I’m grateful.

Also the phrase “shit happens” can be extrapolated.  None of us like being the victim intentionally or otherwise, but we do need to accept that life very often does not goes the way we want it to.  But so what!  We aren’t divine, we don’t have a right.  If something bad happens work to improve the situation and move on.  Don’t get angry, don’t get jealous, just move on.  If you express anger it is only you that suffers the negative effects.

I’ve also studied a bit of mindfulness.  Meditation helps to keep you appreciating what’s around you right now and slows down your mind, worth a try.

In summary I’ve found my self in a position whereby I can stop, look around, and appreciate what’s great right here, right now.  And for me it’s really flicked a switch.  I don’t need to “compete”, or “justify”.  I just need to “be”.  As Tom alluded to me, Kryton’s my STW moniker, but Steves world - my real name - is a pleasant place to be for those that really matter to me, and to whom I matter.

I can’t think of anything better than holding hands with my wife, son and daughter in the suit that I wear today or the rags that I wear tomorrow.  What could be more important that that?

Sorry OP a bit of a ramble about my personal journey which has been from stressed, anxious life competitor to more humble, still anxious but more settled acceptor of life, I hope it helps you in some way,

Well done kryton, thanks for your disclosure and it sounds like you're on your way! Letting go of expectations of oneself and others is a goody.

<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">

I found that going through a life threatening and changing disease worked pretty well for me. Not really best recommended route though ! 😀

this.

i used to get stressed by all sorts of crap. Then mrs_d was diagnosed with cancer. That certainly focuses the mind. Day after her treatment finished, I get notice that my job is redundant. This could have been really unpleasant but compared to cancer, it’s nothing really.

fast forward to the end of my notice period, i’ve lined up a contract job that ended up lasting three years. No stress, no corporate BS, just roll in, do the job, go home at the end of the day, remembering all the time that nothing is as bad as your favourite person in the whole world going through treatment for a life threatening illness.

Ride a bike until you are exhausted, then take a nap.

I am using an app called "WeCroak". 5 times a day, at random intervals, I get a notification reminding me that I'm going to die, and when I click through it gives me a quote to think about. It's oddly soothing...

It sounds a bit weird when you write it down, but I control my life by controlling it. I don't micro manage everything, (ok, maybe a bit)  but I do schedule it, make time for it, and deal with it. so for instance a couple of times a a month I've diarised checking my bank statement, I know when my DDs are due, but making time to check it, makes me think about my spending, makes me calculate where my money goes and makes sure I'm checking for stuff that you're supposed to check (fraud and so on). It means that I simply don't think about it when it's not in my diary, because I know I've checked. Takes 10mins, and I can do while I'm having supper or whatever.

I do this process for all the things I can, which I've found takes care of a huge amount of stuff I used to worry needlessly about.

For the stuff you can't control, that happens to you, not by you, then catogorise it, from "Life changing" all the way down to "bin it". BUT, deal with it, don't avoid it, don't pretend it's not there, don't ignore it. Dealing with stuff straight away I've found for me, 1. stops me fretting and 2. largely; the outcome is more successful.

Have a hunt for my oldish post about stoicism... Interesting and useful reading and resources...

DrP

This thread has turned up at a good time - I'm currently mid-way through a full on fretting episode that I'm struggling to get out of - you know when ou feel like you have no control...not about anything in particular (much), but just that you're waiting for things to happen to yuo that you have zero control over, just have to accept, that brings you down - just want to withdraw from it all

Only a few years ago we’d be mocked for admitting we suffer from Anxiety..

Glad to see the mind landscape has changed.

Take a look at the book 'f*ck it' by John Parkin. Could be right up your street.

Much great advice and personal stories for which i thank you all.I've battled this "condition"all my life really ..now 54 yrs and have shelves full of books encompassing mindfulness,meditation,cbt,psychology,relaxation,stoicism,yoga,buddhism etc etc so am well read and have utilized many techniques to improve my experience of life.I guess I was born this way as it ran in the family with my poor Mother always asking if everything was" all right" (she had lost 2 children before my brother and I)and my father often saying "but what if" .This presumably reinforced the belief that life was threatening and later in life was I diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression for which I pop pills daily and have done for over 20 years.I recently came across the theory that generalized anxiety was often a result of "intolerance of uncertainty"which really struck a chord with me.I also read up on worry and how false beliefs such as "if I don't worry I don't care" and"if I worry enough I'll eventually solve the issue" keep the fires burning and only make your life miserable at the same time as making little difference to the outcome (which mostly turns out to be not as bad as expected)The cognitive distortions that Dr Burns talked about in his famous book feeling good are certainly prevalent in many of us and cause much unnecessary suffering.Good luck to all ,be kind and stay happy.

TED talk worth a look, though possibly NSFW...

Memento Mori (remember we must all die) helps when I remember this fact.(great article on wiki)

[IMG] [/IMG]