I have a mum, but we dont really see eye to eye.
With yours,Do you bite your tongue and just roll with it or do you set the record straight?
or do you do the sensible thing and just keep your distance?
Get on really well with both mine, always have a laugh and see them regularly.
Go out for a few beers regularly with them, and go skiing every year with my dad.
(I'm 40 this year if that makes a difference)
Get on fine with mine. Why should it be any different?
They brought me up in a reasonably secure environment. Dad only hit us a couple of times, mum used to put us down and make us feel worthless occasionally. But as they keep telling me, it was MUCH worse for them.
No point in setting records straight. Just keep them at arms length
ho hum.
great with my mum
barely see my dad
not unhappy with this arrangement
Absolutely great with both. Their 40th anniversary is this weekend.
I make no apology for loving being part of their family.
You see, I live opposite my mum, but we are not close emotionally.. if i didnt have kids we wouldnt speak.
so i am enquiring i guess at other peoples relationships, because i am jealouse, envious, wish i had that? i just wonder how you manage to get along. my mum is very argumentative and bitter and quick to blame.
My dad gave up arguing with me when it was clear he would only lose 😉
Much of it is respect, and a lot of it is learning from each other. 65+ years of life yields a lot of recipes, engine servicing tricks and how to prune Wisteria in August. And I help with their computers 😉
My dad gave up arguing with me when it was clear he would only lose
were graphs involved 😀
barely see my dad
not unhappy with this arrangement
I understand that as i never see my dad, not since i was 20, i am now 36 and have no idea where he lives, which makes the poor relationship with my mum even worse
were graphs involved
pen and graph paper took too long against my ninja excel skillz 🙂
i am now 36 and have no idea where he lives
that's a tough break.
Is it that you have no interest in finding him or do you fear that he still has no interest in being found?
Get on fine with mine. Why should it be any different?
You probably cannot comprehend how jealous i am of your statement!
But it is nice to hear that you have such a healthy relationship so i wish you well ::
that's a tough break.
Is it that you have no interest in finding him or do you fear that he still has no interest in being found?
Not really, he left when i was a baby, i found him in my teens, but he wasnt that bothered. i had my first child at 21 and he wasnt interested so i had no contact since, he moved away from last known address so dont know where he is now.
I have no experience of anything liek that, but it seems to me it makes sense to draw a distinction between someone who is nothing more than a donor of genetic material and a dad. Did you not find a "father" figure during your life instead? You dont have to call that person "dad" to his face, but it would make sense (to me anyway) to feel it inside.
Celebrate the relationships you have. Some of them might only exist because you dont have a relationship with your genetic father.
And if it's any help, if you're ginger it's not just your dad's fault: your mum has to have dodgy genes too 😉
That was pretty much my experience but I got to know him later in life[30 ish]. It did not change much really as he was pretty much as you would expect from someone who had done that.
He regrets it more than I do as i never lost a Dad as i never had one but he lost a son as he always had one.
Celebrate the relationships you have. Some of them might only exist because you dont have a relationship with your genetic father.
And if it's any help, if you're ginger it's not just your dad's fault: your mum has to have dodgy genes too
this is why i try so hard with my mum but it seems like such a loosing battle. it does not come naturally. Thats why i ask if other people have normal relationships because i really dont think i do.
Although, I do wish we did.
Also, just a note, i do have red hair, ginger if you like 🙂
and my quote marks didnt work
Always got on with my dad, get on much better with my mum when I'm not living with her, wasn't great while I was living at home, then left for uni, relationship improved, came back, it deteriorated, I moved away for work 4 1/2 years ago and it's as good as ever now.
My mum drives me mad. Domineering, set in her ways, racist, it's her way or the high way, etc. Only see her when I have to.
My dad is just me but 25 years older.
it's as good as ever now.
But what do you class as good?
do you argue, does she disgaree and storm off in a strop and ignore you for 3 months and swear at you or do you discuss your different opinions like normal people
I honestly can't remember the last time I had an argument or even crossed words with either my mum or my dad.
It was probably almost 20 years ago, pretty much half my life.
Did you not find a "father" figure during your life instead?
No my mum had several realtionships, the longest with another woman throughout my teens.
Love them to bits, in their late 80s now. Raised me in a safe & loving environment. Never had much cash but never missed it. Speak to them every day.
I honestly can't remember the last time I had an argument or even crossed words with either my mum or my dad.It was probably almost 20 years ago, pretty much half my life.
That is so sweet, I wish i had that. you are very fortunate.
We speak once or twice a week, I pop over every 3-4 weeks (I'm an hour and a half by train away and don't/can't drive)
I'm never at hers long enough for blazing arguments anymore, so generally we have a discussion, and in the end we just part ways, both convinced we were right all along. Bit like here really.
Love them to bits, in their late 80s now. Raised me in a safe & loving environment. Never had much cash but never missed it. Speak to them every day.
Again, that is beatiful to hear. I hope my children say the same about me one day.
I'm never at hers long enough for blazing arguments anymore, so generally we have a discussion, and in the end we just part ways, both convinced we were right all along. Bit like here really.
That made me chuckle.
My mum is always right, even when she is not! Still like here!
That is so sweet, I wish i had that. you are very fortunate.
I don't always realise how lucky I am I suppose.
They probably get sick of me using their house as a "free cafe" a couple of times a week when I'm in the area working, but they never say anything 🙂
They probably get sick of me using their house as a "free cafe" a couple of times a week when I'm in the area working, but they never say anything
I bet you they really enjoy it, the company and the feeling of usefullness, so long as you dont take the piss of course.
It would be easy to say 'it takes two to make it work' but I don't think that's true. If parents get it wrong, there's not much you can do.
As a mother of a teenage girl, I've always felt it was vital that we get on, enjoy each other's company, from babyhood. Yes, I will assert my authority if I have to. We do fall out over homework! But fundamentally we get on well, and I couldn't live with myself if that wasn't so.
So I think parents need to work at the relationship from day 1. I guess you need to find a level at which you can get on with your mother and not overstep that. Maybe it can improve gradually if there's good will on both sides.
Still, some people are unpleasant and some of them are parents.
Both now dead. This makes me happy. Evil bastards.
Mine were fine. We weren't particularly close but they provided a reasonably safe, pleasant and caring environment for us to grow up in. Struggled to get on with my dad in his later years but my mum is fine if a little over-bearing sometimes.
I get to compare this to my wife's extended family who were all brought up in these stiflingly maternally based families where 'me ma' is the most important thing in the entire world and the mothers have this incredibly strange relationship with their sons where they mother them through a large part of their adulthood. It makes me angry and disgusted when I see this. I see successions of little boys in grown men's bodies being molly-coddled around the world, causing problems for everyone they have a relationship with and all because their mothers wouldn't let them grow up and become well round human beings.
growing up i never saw much of my dad tbh he was always working - my parents were young - 19/20 when they had me.
Looking back now i know why he worked so much and it was to give me and my mum a good life.
His hard work during my formative years helped me be able to go to uni.
how ever - over the last few years we have established stuff in common (DIY , engines and he has even started cycling) and seem to get on better than ever, despite always arguing when i lived at home.
Love my Mum and Dad, they're awesome.
I get on really well with my parents, siblings, cousins and large extended family (still have 2 grandparents going strong at 97 and 98). I know that makes me one of the lucky ones.
My Dad lives in Chicago and is close to 70. Though I speak to him more than once a week, I only see him once maybe twice a year. So if he lives to 90 I may only see him 20 more times....this makes me so sad. Though I am now planning long weekends and such in Chicago to get more time with him.
Other than that - they are both amazing. My Mum is like my best friend and my Dad is a inspiration, still hold a director position, works and plays hard despite his age!
I cannot remember the last time I argued with either - probably 20+ years
one thing that makes me sad though is my mums mother
through lack of effort on my part and me falling out with my alcoholic grandad i never met her for 5 or 6 years then she got alzhiemers and i met her in the street outside our house by chance - she asked for directions to the street her house was on and she had no idea who i was even after i explained who i was - i had to go get my mum to take her home.
for the rest of her years she had no clue who i was.
Ive made sure to make an effort to see my remaining grandparents lots after that.
I get on with mine really well, really don't have a bad word to say about them.
Both would do anything for me and my brother, my dad rides bikes and like real ale, my mom is the most understanding person I know. Pleasingly I also get on really well with my inlaws as well, arguably better than my GF.
Apologies if that comes across as smug but it's only when you think about these things that you realise have good you've got it.
only mum left dead died 5 years ago.
to be honest im basically mums butler and chauffer, she is old school and doesn’t show affection, however she is great with my 2 year old daughter and that is the only thing that keeps her going!
When I do work for her the wife says I should get paid an ‘inheritance wage’, bit of an in joke.
I do lots of jobs for her and most of the time I am her ‘psychological punchbag’, she is all about image and what other people think of her.
For example she can be on top of the world talking to her mates then when I turn up the ‘real her’ appears and she’s in the doldrums again.
My god im going off on one here, what also pushes me to the edge is the fact my older brother does **** all, which doesn’t help.
But it’s all karma man….. the oldman is looking down on me 😉
(was father was a great dad, but to be honest i never really knew him, he was a bit of a closed book, but gaian i put this down to age and his upbringing)
My parents are amazing people and I'm blessed to have them. I did have a few rocky patches with Dad in my late teens early 20's but I can honestly say that was mostly from my part, the advice he gave me was hard to take but the best advice can often be that way. He's a hard man but a gent, I remember him going away to work when I was a child, he was taking building contracts on to send money home during the recession. I have so much respect for him for doing that. I brought a house this year, the drains needed sorting without hesitation he was here (50 mile drive) wellies on and helping me shovel shit, didn't ask for anything in return. My fiancées dad is the opposite. I've seen him maybe 8 times in 3 years despite living 2 miles away he wasn't even aware his daughter had brought a house and had moved, but that's what happens when you don't pick your phone up.
They were really good when they were alive, but they died in quick succession when I was a young teen. I've missed them like crazy ever since. Especially my Dad as it was only in the last year of his life after Mum died that we become much closer. They were both fine people and I know I'm blessed to be their boy.
great with my mum
barely see my dad
not unhappy with this arrangement
this.
My mother is an absolute legend which more than makes up for my father being an epic bellend. They've been divorced for years which has been great for her.
Pretty good really. I still see them regularly. My Dad is 72 soon and we still get out on the bike together from time to time. Over the years he's taken me climbing, skiing, canoe-ing, sailing etc and I'm very conscious I've had opportunities to do these fun things that weren't available to others (he used to run an outdoor pursuits centre). My Mum brought me up very well and instilled some great values in me. The bad bits are all my own doing 🙂
That said they were always parents first and there's still part of me that holds back with them. My wife's parents are younger and I've always had a more laid-back relationship with them. I'd never get drunk with my parents, but have shared many a drunken night with the in-laws.
Both now dead. This makes me happy. Evil bastards.
I cant believe anyone would say this. Chip off the old block maybe?
I never really realised how lucky the wife and I are. We both get along with our own parents and each others and are happy to spend time with them, at their places, out for meals, us blokes on the golf course.
They are supportive when needed and leave us to our own devices the rest of the time, which is just ideal really.
I get on much better with my dad now I am an adult, he was a little distant when I was growing up but we are much closer now, shared interests I suppose, and he has softened over the years.
The mother in law is a bit annoying, but only because she is a bit fussy and a worrier - but it is only because she cares so much so it's easy to let it slide.
What throws this into sharp contrast recently is a couple of very close friends are currently organising their wedding, it's next week, and they have had so much stress heaped on them by both sets of parents. I just can't comprehend how these people can be so self centred and try to take over. It is so different from our experience of organising our wedding last year.
Get on fine with mine, probably helps they're in the UK and I'm in Spain 🙂
Didn't get on with my parents.
Both died early,(by the time I was 42) so didn't get chance to rectify our probs 🙁
Get on better now they're under the ground 😀
Just great, best it's ever been, now that they're both dead... 😀
They're looking down at you now from heaven as you typed this...
Always had good relationship with my parents. Growing up was much closer to my dad and loved doing the the 'matey' stuff with him as i grew up. we really appriciated the same things in life.
About 5 years ago while i was at uni he started to visit AA. Looking back Im sure he had an issue with drink but he deffo was not a problem father. he was bubbly, friendly and really fun. I do think he hid from me the worst of his drinking though.
He has been changed noticably as a person by AA and has found god in quite a big way through them. Personally i have found this difficult to manage. Yes he is still my dad but he is very noticably and suddenly not the dad from my childhood. (deffo not all bad, he is more respectful of others and their views now)
Anyway this has all meant I have bonded more with my mum over recent years and have had some really nice moments with her recently.
"Both now dead. This makes me happy. Evil bastards. "
[b]I cant believe anyone would say this. Chip off the old block maybe? " [/b]
You are a tit and I claim my £5
transapp - MemberThey're looking down at you now from heaven as you typed this...
Still get the occasional **** to put up with in life, mind...
My parents bought me up with little money but a ton of love, now trying to do the same with my two.
My wife and I were discussing our old family camping trips as we loaded the kids into the car for their holidays and realised we were starting the whole circle again - a nice feeling.
Reading this thread has made me realise that the line between family accord or a life of disappointment is a relatively thin strip. Good luck to all.
I think by reading all the posts, it has confirmed to me that my relationship with my mum is far from ideal!
I have tried to improve it over the years but it never seems to work.
I guess I just have to accept it for what it is, she is too old to change her ways now.
The plus side is that I have learned from her how to be a better mum to my own kids, by not doing the things she has done 
I got on really well with both my parents (both now dead) as well as my brothers. We still get on well with aunts and uncles and see them too.
I hope I can pass on this attitude to my children.
After years of arguing over the stupid stuff I did as a kid/young man, my father and I finally put it to rest when, on one fine and sunny day as he was serving-up yet another dose of scummy son, I changed tack by way of a non-emotional reaction (harder than I thought). He struggled to understand, shouted some obscenities about past deeds and how they'd hurt my mother and tried to escape in his car, at which point I removed the keys and stood my ground.
He glared at me. [i]"Go on. I can see you want to hit me!"[/i]
With a tear forming in my eye [i]"Nah, Dad. I just wanna give you a hug..."[/i]
I could see he was upset and thought it best to let him leave. He called me later that day and once again gave me an earful. A week later he apologised and we haven't looked back since.
That all happened about 8 years ago and we have a great relationship now; something I cherish with all my being. He hasn't got long left now as he's quite ill but I'll always be thankful for building that bridge before it was too late.
Peace and love, folks...
I'm still ranting to myself about that shit up there ^, sorry.
I need to leave this place alone for a while.
My mum didn't come home the day before the police came for her and my dad only got away with it because a) all but my oldest brother were too afraid to say anything to the police when they tried to help and b) such was our fear of him, we believed everything he said. So, when he said that if we went into care, it would be twice as bad, we continued to quietly wet ourselves and our beds most days. Sometimes he was too drunk and we'd count every one of our very limited blessings on those days.
Chip off the block? My daughter and my wife adore me Elzorillo, despite a quite severe mental illness, as I adore them. I wouldn't harm a hair of their heads. I'd die for them and they know this.
Sod it, I'm off.
I cant believe anyone would say this. Chip off the old block maybe?
He has revealed some details on the past on here
He is not wrong
Not all parents are wonderful and doting and some are beneath contempt
Think before you post as you just put your foot in it big time
EDIT: he beat me too it but only because of the fire alarm drill here
i often wonder about what my kids must think of me, they live with their mum and for the past 2 years she hasn't let me see them, alleging alcoholism and drug abuse (untrue). from their point of view, i'm an absent father, though i'm doing everything i can to see them. for all those who didn't grow up with both parents, there is often more going on than you know, kids get told all sorts of lies.
any way, hopefully my case is reaching its end soon, after 18 months going through court. i cant wait for the chance to build bridges again
Love my mum to bits, dad died 5 years ago and I still miss him every day.
Was lucky with my parents and am hoping I will be as good in the future
Restless; did you see the Patrick Stewart episode of 'who do you think you are?' (?)
The reason I ask is that PS was quite scathing of his father's domestic violence and attitude towards his family, but it was revealed that he suffered PTSD (shell shock) from his time as a soldier. PS's viw of his father was completely altered by this revelation (some of the most common syptoms of PTSD are domestic violence etc)
I was wondering if there was anything in your mother's past which might explain her behaviour now? It might not change her if you know about it, but at least you would understand why she is like she is.
Haven't seen my father in 20+ years no idea if alive or dead.
Get on great with my mum and step dad.
Not always been the case but any issues now resolved especially after i realised that they were mostly my issues getting in the way 🙂
Our family was always a bit disfunctional - too much stiff upper lip, but we did have a secure upbringing. My parents were far too controlling and my Dad didn't deal with his own issues too well and we took the brunt.
So leaving home to go to Uni was a relief but my anger stayed for years. But then a few months of counselling when I got signed off with stress was the best thing I ever did - it helped me realise my Dad had his own issues and had tried to be a good father, but hadn't really done as well as he wanted - and was probably beating himself up about it.
So I took this knowledge and took the lead in changing my behaviour towards them and quit being angry. In a way which they were comfortable with, showed my parents I forgave them for the mistakes which I thought they'd made.
My relationship with them is now one of the best I have - open and honest and adult to adult. My relationship with my brother improved too...
Life's too short IMO to let childhood experience rule relationships for the whole of your life, although a lot of people do
Restless; did you see the Patrick Stewart episode of 'who do you think you are?' (?)The reason I ask is that PS was quite scathing of his father's domestic violence and attitude towards his family, but it was revealed that he suffered PTSD (shell shock) from his time as a soldier. PS's viw of his father was completely altered by this revelation (some of the most common syptoms of PTSD are domestic violence etc)
I was wondering if there was anything in your mother's past which might explain her behaviour now? It might not change her if you know about it, but at least you would understand why she is like she is.
Yes she has many issues of abandonment etc from her own childhood. If there is a person who could definately benfit from counselling it is her, but instead she pushes everyone away.
She just announced she is going away at Christmas on her own as she has done her time doing family stuff! I guess some leopards just don't change their spots.
I guess some leopards just don't change their spots
Indeed, abandonment issues which are self-fufilling throughout her life from what you have said. I suspect that the best you can do is not allow her attitude to result in you and yours being the next ones to abandon her :-/
Interesting one.
Didn't see my father for 25 years, no major falling out really, just accidental drifting apart and not really liking him that much, This was 10 years after my parents split up and I really liked his second wife. Back in touch now, and I understand and respect him more, but still no real chemistry.
My mother has always been a challenge, but more self-centred and awkward as she gets older. I love her but don't like her and my brother feels much the same.
I [i]do[/i] like my parents-in-law... but they are unlikely to like me since I left their daughter recently
So the real question for me is how much I have become like my parents, and what I could have done differently.
But my relationship with my kids - aged 10 and 16 - seems solid and close - so hopefully things stop with my generation
Never got on well with my Mother as a child, but got on fine with my Dad. Live two miles away from them but only see them a few times a year. I'm fairly ambivalent about the whole family thing to be honest.
I get on great with mine but my Mum has Alzhimers and is now quite hard work.
He has revealed some details on the past on here
He is not wrong
Not all parents are wonderful and doting and some are beneath contempt
Think before you post as you just put your foot in it big timeEDIT: he beat me too it but only because of the fire alarm drill here
Shut up you fool.
My father was an abusive alcoholic who was dead by the time I was a teenager. My mother a schyzophrenic who throughout my hell of a childhood refused to take her medication. As a ten year old I would have to wash my clothes in cold water with no soap.. The only way my weak little body could squeeze the water out of them was by wrapping them around a tap and twisting them, then sleep on them wet so they would be uncreased and half dry for the morning. All this so I didnt stink at school.
I was hungry for the first 10 years of my life (thank god for free school meals).
By the time I was 11 I'd found my mother twice unconcious through suicide attempts.
One of her boyfriends would beat me so bad that I was too scared to come out my bedroom and would piss in the corner of the room. The place was such a tip no one even noticed.
Those arent the worst bits.. If you're interested I could elaborate.
I grew from it.. I promised myself each night that I would be better. I built a successful business and managed to shield my children from most ills in this world.. They have never met their grandmother.
But.. I would never stoop to their level.. and never ever gloat over anyones death, especially a parent, however bad they were.
Woppit, that was my attempt at humour based on the many religion threads. In the overall context of the thread, I should've stayed quiet. Sorry if it pissed you off.
I'll butt out now.
never ever gloat over anyones death, especially a parent, however bad they were.
why not..?
why not..?
Do you believe in the death penalty??
is that a threat..? 😆
if I want to celebrate the death of someone, especially someone as close and as personal to [i]me alone[/i] as my parent, can you give me one rational reason why I shouldn't..?
I'm not being deliberately facetious, and I've never held a grudge against my folks.. although perhaps I've had more than enough reason to if I stop to think about it..
I just don't understand why we shouldn't revel in someone's demise if it brings us happiness..?
well.. and this is just my personal opinion (or I wouldnt have posted) but revelling in the death of another person (however bad) reflects somewhat on your own character too.
I get solace from the fact I'm nothing like the mean people I've met along the way.
As they say.. Rise above it 😉
revelling in the death of another person (however bad) reflects somewhat on your own character too.
in my case it probably does, as many people consider me quite unsavoury.. although many also consider me to be a very benevolent soul at the same time.. and quite a few consider me just blimmin' lovely..
I'm happy to rise above the dodgy deeds of others, but also not above having a good cackle when the occasion allows.. or perhaps just allowing myself a raised eyebrow and a wry smile if I'm particularly sober..
It's very much bred into our society to celebrate the death of a baddie though isn't it..?
It's very much bred into our society to celebrate the death of a baddie though isn't it..?
Then maybe it's my lack of any normal upbringing that causes me to find such behaviour abhorrent.
sorry, I didn't mean that..
I was just referring to history where we would turn out to watch the hangings in the square, or even more recently with so many Hollywood blockbusters where the baddie meets a sticky end..
I'm still not sure that I can see the link between death and a desire to preserve some sort of purity about it though..
wishing death is another thing perhaps, and I couldn't really revel in the violent death of an enemy or a stranger as in war or murder..
but after a person has finished their life, I think there's no shame in admitting that you're glad to see the back of them..
(sorry for the morbid thread hi-jack restless.. FWIW I believe that sometimes it pays to mother your parents a bit, and try to treat them with a parental love and kindness.. especially if they're bitter, which to my mind is a type of mental illness)
Get on well with Mum and Dad
Father.. well he's an idiot.. Lives in another country... Seen his grandaughter twice in 2 years... forgot her birthday and christmas.... Best place for him.
My dad hasn't spoken a word to me since 1982! No christmas or birthday cards, never seen his grandchildren. Tip to dads: Don't die, it pisses your kids off! Get on great with my mum.
Both now dead. This makes me happy. Evil bastards.
I cant believe anyone would say this. Chip off the old block maybe?
Only someone who hasn't ever truly feared a parent would make the response you did. I used to wish my biological father was dead for a long time because accidentally bumping into him somewhere frightens me to death and gives me sleepless nights for weeks. He is a prize see you next Tuesday and an evil shit. It was worse when I was small but I can just about cope with it now though there are usually tears and panick attacks involved on the rare occasion he surfaces from under his rock and I have the misfortune to see him somewhere. Not a nice feeling.