It's the time of the year again that I have to present our work annual awards. This is the 6th I have done, and me and my gaffer usually start drinking around midday, stumble into our posh gear around 7 and then I tell a load of terrible jokes while presenting awards.
This year's theme is Vegas - we have a swing singer/casino etc...but I need some jokes.
Ecperience has tuaght me that STW is better than any joke sites. Some of my favourite ever jokes have come from here...
so what ya got?
I have thought of a couple - punchlines are 'Hi-Viz Presley' and 'Ham-Bling addiction'. I'll leave you to figure out the rest...that's the low level standard I expect!
Cheers in advance!
I'd like to thank you all for the support, I'll always wear it......
Whats brown and sticky
my beyonce poster
2 rules to success in life. 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
How come you never see elephants playing hide and seek in vagas?
Because they are very good at it.
My wife has been missing a week now and the police have told me to prepare for the worst. I have phoned the charity shop and asked for her clothes back
Public speaking is all about the ABC and the XYZ. Always be confident and examine your zip.
I don't know if you just heard this on the radio - but it seems Christmas chart topper Cliff Richards has developed athletes foot.
He went to the doctors, who suggested he try a new remedy. Instead of the normal cream...they advised him to soak the affected area in Chardonnay.
..
..
..
'so I put me soiled toe in wine?'
I went to the races yesterday and a feller came up to me and whispered "do you want the winner of the next race?"
I said "no thanks, I've only got a small garden"
Whats brown and stickymy beyonce poster
Excellent 🙂
One for later in the night -
Bloke goes to Vegas and ends up in bed with a showgirl. I have a strange request to make, he says - I've always wanted to make love to a woman with my foot. OK she says, I'll try anything once and they get down to some foot-love sexy time.
Guy gets back to his hotel and wakes up the next morning with a huge weeping sore on his big toe. Jesus Christ he thinks, I need to show that to a doctor. Sees the doc and the doc is confounded. Consults medical text books for over an hour until he says he thinks he has a diagnosis - venereal disease of the foot!
VD of the foot! the guy exclaims - that must be the most unusual thing you've ever seen in all your years as a doctor. Not quite, says the Doc. Had a woman in earlier with athletes c_nt.
whats the difference between jam and marmalade.........
only joke worth knowing, with the get out clause i wont tell it till ive had at least four pints.
Thanks all, there's at least 1 joke there I am definately using.
soob - knowing the punchline to that one kind of rules it out for this particular evening 😉
There's the old one about the woman packing her bags when her husband gets home.
"Where are you going?", he asks.
"I'm off to Vegas" she replies, "I've heard men will pay me $500 a time to do what I do for you for free!"
To this the man starts packing his bags also.
"What are you doing now?" she asks
"I'm coming with you" he answers, " I want to see how you'll live on $1000 a year."
Not Vegas related but...we were out walking the other day, went to a nice country pub for food and a drink. A tractor roared past us with a guy hanging out shouting "the end of the world is nigh!"
It was Farmer Geddon.
Have you ever shoed a horse...?
No, but have told a donkey to @@@@ off though
My wife has been missing a week now and the police have told me to prepare for the worst. I have phoned the charity shop and asked for her clothes back
😀 😀
These are good - any more?
Cheers
Technically, six out of seven dwarves aren't happy.
I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said 'It's my husband! Quick try the back door!'
Thinking back afterwards I really should have legged it but you don't get an offer like that everyday 🙂
In a similar vein to Samuri, there's the one about the guy who arrives home to find his missus screaming
"what's up" he asks
She looks at hims and says "I've won the lottery, pack your bags!"
"What shall I pack for?" He asks. "Where are we going? Sun or snow?"
"I don't care what you pack, you can go where you like, just pack your bags and **** off!"
+1 crispybacon
Class!
A new vibrator has gone on sale it's so realistic that just before the woman's orgasm it comes, coughs, farts, goes limp and switches itself off!
I took the wife bungee jumping at the weekend.She jumped first. As her body hit and spread out over the rocks below, I thought,"That'll ****ing teach you to lie about your weight!"
My daughter said "I hope you're going to shave off that stupid moustache before we go on holiday? It's really embarrassing."
I was speechless. I thought, that's gotta be the bravest thing I've ever heard anyone say to the missus.
"What do we want?"
"A cure for tourettes!"
"When do we want it?"
"C**t!"
Blindman went for a job in a wood yard saying he could identify wood by smell alone.
They tested him out on different types of wood & he guessed right everytime.
To catch him out the secretary lay naked. He sniffed & asked for the wood to be turned over, he sniffed again.
'You can't fool me' he said 'it's an old sh1thouse door off a fishing boat!' 🙂
lol at crispy bacon.
A scientist has invented a bra that stops boobs bouncing up and down and nipples sticking out in the cold.
His colleagues have kicked his head in.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that…. 2:30am?! Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
crispy b, i think you've found your calling 😆
I got stung by a bee the other day, £50 for a pot of honey!
the plan for getting my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat...
I can't believe people find it funny making jokes about people who have died. iDon't.
I just moved in to a new flat with two girls, it's been a bit of a nightmare to be honest. The first one has really bad OCD, whenever she goes in to a room she has to turn the light switch on and off 17 times. That's nothing compared to the other one, she's got epilepsy!
Just been to the Doctors to get my results back about a lump I have. He said, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" I said, "The good news." He said, "I really think you'd look good in a bandana."
Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand...."I've run over a pig & it's stuck under the tractor still alive!""Shoot it!" Says the farmer "and then bury him". Farmer gets another call ...."done that now what do you think I should do with his f@@@ing speed camera?"
Thirty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope.
Steve Jobs is in heaven. Having checked in with St. Peter, he is sent straight to God, who is ready and waiting in his office."Let's get this over with," he says. "I'm sure, like everyone else, you have lots of questions, so fire away.""OK. First of all... Why no Flash Player?" asks God.
I asked my wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?""" I would take half and leave!", She said."Excellent!", I said. "I've won a tenner, here's a fiver, now F@@@ Off!!"
My shopping bag had 'This Bag Is Not A Toy' printed on it. My three-year-old disagrees. He's been playing with it as a spaceman's helmet in his room for over an hour now. I haven't heard a peep from him.
"Doctor I think I`m going deaf"
"Could you describe the symptoms"
"Well, Marge has blue hair and Homer has yellow skin"
What do you call an Indian karaoke enthusiast?
Getupta Singh!
What do you call an Indian with an apple on his head?
William Patel!
A womens work is never done
no wonder they get paid less
I was standing there, hands trembling, my wife due home from work any time now... I reached for my youngest daughter's top - it came off with little resistance.
Her training bra was my next hurdle. Hands still trembling, I gently unclipped it and unable to control my hands I watched it as it fell to the floor.
Her short little skirt was next, I reached out and slid it off. As I ran my hands slowly over her My Little Pony panties I could feel they were already really, really damp...
Anyway, I'd better finish getting the rest of the washing in - it's raining and my Parkinsons isn't making it any easier.
Farmer gets home late,can't find his wife downstairs.Goes to bedroom to find her in bed with another man.Man leaps out of bed naked.Farmer grabs his shotgun and shouts "I'm going to blow your f*ckin' bollocks off!".Man screams "Please,please,give a chance!".Farmer says "OK,then swing 'em!!".
Old MacDonald had dyslexia, E I P Q F.
A pork pie walks into a Las Vegas bar and asks the barman "Can I have two pints of lager, a packet of plain crisps and two steak sandwiches, please?" to which the barman replies "Sorry Sir, we don't serve food!"
An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are sitting in a bar. The American says "I've got four sons, one more and I'll have my own basketball team". The Englishman, looking rather smug, says "So what? I've got ten sons, one more and I'll have my own football team". So then the Scotsman says "I've got seventeen wives, one more and I'll have my own golf course!"
Two Americans and an Irishman are standing on top of a Las Vegas skyscrapper when the Irishman says, "I wish it wasn't so cloudy, I really wanted to be able to see the ground from up here." So one of the Americans, "It's not that bad, you're so high up and the clouds are so thick that if you jumped off the top of the building you'd hit them and bounce back up". "Never!" exclaims the Irishman, "I don't believe that!" "It's true!" says the first American, "here, I'll show you" and he jumps off the top of the building and true enough he hits the clouds and bounces back up to the roof. The Irishman is ashtonished and says, "Wow! I've got to try that!", so he jumps off the top of the building and falls straight through the clouds and hits the ground and dies. The second American turns to the first and says, "You know you can be a right bastard at times Superman."
bloke at the bar says 'Barman a double malt please' and he downs it 'another please' and downs that 'again please barman'.... 7 doubles later and the man says 'I shouldn't be drinking these with what I've got' and the barman says 'what have you got??'.... '17p'
two ladies drinking tea in the kitchen and one sees her husband walking up the drive with a big bunch of flowers, 'this means I'll be spending all night on my back with my legs in the air' neighbour says 'do you need to borrow a vase???'
I bought a dog from a blacksmith last week. As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Chap walks into a bar, orders a double whisky and knocks it back in one.
"Gimme another" he says. This too goes back in one
"And again". The third also goes back in one.
"And again". By this time - only a few minutes having passed - the landlord is somewhat bemused and intrigued, but duly serves the drink as asked. Like the others, this goes back in one.
"once more, please," says the chap.
As the landlord serves the drink, he takes the opportunity to ask, "Why all the drinks? Celebrating something? Or commiserating?"
"First blowjob!" replies the chap as he sinks the fifth double in fifteen minutes.
"Oh well in that case, have another on the house!" replies the landlord.
"Thanks, but if five doubles haven't taken the taste away, I don't think a sixth will make much difference"
how do you make Holy water ?
Boil the hell out of it !
what's the similarity between george michael and a pair of wellington boots ?
they both get sucked off in bogs!
what's white ,slimy and drips down toilet walls ?
george michaels latest release!
eskimo is driving home one night and his car breaks down, so he calls out the eskimo AA. bonnet up and the AA man says 'I see what's happened, you've blown a seal' 'nah, it's just frost on my top lip'
Whats the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're at least 13.
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
What's brown and sticky?
Mohammed Ali opening a can of coke
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
Did you hear about the dumb cyclist who was in an accident.
He picked up his wheel and spoke
my senile neighbor keeps knocking on his front door, then goes round the back into the house to answer it, I dont think he knows what hes letting himself in for.
i asked my mrs to w*nk me off the other night, so she got a key ring on her finger and did, i couldnt help but think i was being fobbed off
Page 2 has gone down hill a bit....
With that in mind:
Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says " you steer, I'll shoot"
A lady walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
I thankyou!
A lady walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
There was a roadie on the stage doing a soundcheck at the time, and he gave her One too 🙂
I rang the pizza shop earlier and ordered a Zen pizza. So they made me one with everything.
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? Deep pan, crisp and even.
In the delivery room a baby is born, the doctor checks the baby over and informs its parents that they have a perfectly healthy baby boy.
"He's perfectly healthy in every respect, he's german, but thats nothing to worry about"
The parent are quite confused, they aren't german, and have never even been to germany. But they are reassured that the baby is fine, some babies are german, thats the way it is. Don't worry, normal in every respect. And german.
As the child grows it becomes that he is indeed perfectly healthy and happy, just like other children, but in time they notice he doesn't seem to be wanting to speak. They take him back to the doctor who examine the child and a reassured that he's fine, children develop at their own pace and he'll start to talk when he's ready.
In fact he never speaks, all through childhood and into his teenage years he remains mute, no amount of tests can reveal why.
On his sixteenth birthday his mother brings him a bowl of soup, as she turns and leaves the room the child says "Mother, this soup is tepid"
"Oh my god you can speak! all this time we've been so worried about you and you've been able to speak all this time. Why haven't you said anything?"
and the child replies
"Up until now everything has been satisfactory"
When I was 14, my dad caught me smoking a cigarette so he made me smoke the entire pack.
I wish he'd caught me shagging a girl guide.
My son got kicked out of school for getting one of the girls to **** him off.
"That's three schools in three years" I said. "Maybe you're just not cut out to be a teacher.
I saw my first porno the other day and couldn't get over how young I looked back then.
What do you call an Indian karaoke enthusiast?Getupta Singh!
What do you call an Indian with an apple on his head?
William Patel!
What do you call an Indian with a joint on his head?
Subha Shish
The old ones are the best.. Apparently Jeremy Beadle has a massive knob.. on the other hand, it's tiny.
What do you call thoses black curly little hairs in a school girls knickers?
Kevin Websters moustache.
what does an insomniac dyslexic agnostic do at night?
.
..
...
lie awake wondering if there really is a dog.
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation... The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation. This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats. "You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"
I don't get that last joke?
I don't get that last joke?
don't worry you haven't missed much
Yeah that was pretty terrible.
Since Jobs has died, HTC are expecting some stiff competition.
An Apple a day, keeps the doctors at bay. Not for Jobs though..
I'm middle class, but I'm hard. Al dente, you might say.
The village Vicar is doing his rounds and pops into to see Farmer Giles.
As he is having a nice chat and a cup of tea in the farmhouse he notices a pig with a wooden leg wandering round. He asks the farmer "Why has that pig got a wooden leg?"
Farmer Giles goes misty eyed and exclaims "Let me tell you about that pig, Vicar! Last week my hay loft was on fire and my two youngest children were trapped inside. That pig, that pig there! Well he went into the barn and dragged the children out by there shirt collars."
"My word" exclaimed the Vicar. "But what about the wooden leg?"
"Well Vicar, I couldn't eat a pig like that all at once!"
I think I have just about worked the golf joke out, not sure it was worth the effort thought..
Mans wife has been missing for over a week and the Police said he should expect the worst. The man rang the charity shop and asked form her cloths back.
An Englishman a Welshman and ****stani man all arrive at the hospital to collect their new babies.
"I'm really sorry" said the doctor "but there has been a terrible mix-up and we don't know who's baby is who's"
So they decide to draw lots to see who gets first choice of baby. The Englishman wins and goes in to choose his baby, emerging with one which is clearly the ****stani man's baby, so the ****stani man challenges him about this.
"I know" says the Englishman "but I'm not taking any chances. One of those two is Welsh"