[Closed] Going for a beer/coffee with members of the opposite sex

Just put the condom on before you leave the house. Best to be prepared

[img] [/img]

Didn't this come up sometime back..

I think it's ok provided you (and them) are open with your partner/spouse, anything else could be construed to be amiss.

Having said that I'm struggling to think of couples where I'm chums with both at the same level.

Coffee = OK, Beer = Not OK
Wife knows about it = cool, don't tell wife = not cool.

Your experience of your parents' attitude does not reflect my parents. or me, or most of my friends (come to think of it)

Depends how ugly you/they are in relative terms. No one ever threw caution to the wind after a few cappuccinos.

My wife often goes out to the cinema / something to eat with friends who are male*. I've also been to gigs with one of her female friends (we both have excellent taste in music whereas my wife likes shit). We must be very enlightened or trusting or both.

* She also goes to the cinema with a friend who is, you know, a..... comfortable shoe wearer. I don't find this alarming either.

I'll put a stop to it as soon as I get home. If she's in, that is.

while the husband is away at work we go out for a wander

Their gender is irrelevant, if they're going to go on and on about how rubbish the coffee is, stale beans, how the nespresso-hyper-steam-machine is set to the wrong grind/pressure matrix, the crime of wearing the wrong cut/thread count/selvedge pattern jeans, can't understand the artistic merit of a photo etc. then you shouldn't meet them in any social situation.

HTH.

There is no such thing as a purely platonic relationship imo. There will be an attraction at some level.

then you shouldn't meet them in any social situation

is it ok to talk about IT systems, the merits of 29inch wheels over 26? and which audi engine is most economical when ‘making progress’?

at least if thats the topic of conversation the likelihood of experiencing a frisson of sexual tension would be distinctly remote.

There is no such thing as a purely platonic relationship imo. There will be an attraction at some level.

So you are saying you fancy your best mate?

Your experience of your parents' attitude does not reflect my parents. or me, or most of my friends (come to think of it)

their attitude does not reflect mine or my friends either.

I've been on sailing weekends alone with female friends.

The thing I learned was the correct response to the question "Did you try it on with them?" is not "No, they're way out of my league.".

the merits of 26inch wheels over 29?

FTFY.

I'm not exactly younger generation, but no, don't meet a married woman for beers/coffee/lunch/anything.

Doesn't matter what your intentions are, or hers. Just don't. It's naive to do so and not expect repercussions, even if not aimed at you.

That's my attitude anyhow.

No, I would not do it coz it just waste of time.

What to talk about that you haven't talked with your wife etc?

No idle chatter with others wife alone.

If I were to go for a coffee with opposite sex alone she has to be single as I do not want to be accused of banging someone else wife/gf.

.

If I were to go for a coffee with opposite sex alone she has to be single as I do not want to be accused of banging someone else wife.

what exactly did they teach you in sex education?

I wouldn't do coffee or beer 1:1, but have merrily met up for a bike ride... 😯

Oh. Should add, it depends on you. If you're obese, ugly and a bore, then you're safe. If you're single, not hit every branch on the ugly tree and vaguely entertaining, you're a threat.

No criticism of the men there, just the way it seems to be.

jam bo - Member

If I were to go for a coffee with opposite sex alone she has to be single as I do not want to be accused of banging someone else wife.

what exactly did they teach you in sex education?

You presume the older generation didn't meet up because of morals.

but....

Maybe they were just wise.

For me, one woman is MORE than enough..... and pity the poor lady who'd want to spend more time with emotionally literate beings, who are only ever thinking about footy, boobs or worst still..... bikes

There's always one in these relationships who wants to bone the other. Usually the male whilst the female is just in it for the validation/attention

*goes back to the 70's*

* She also goes to the cinema with a friend who is, you know, a..... comfortable shoe wearer. I don't find this alarming either.

You should.

He's a proper charmer is CaptainFlashy

No, I would not do it coz it just waste of time.

What to talk about that you haven't talked with your wife etc?

how enlightened you are.
just imagine a female that can talk about something other than babies, shoes, handbags etc.
because they do exist.

what @matt said... can be a spin, out for the day or evening. sometimes with beer to follow :0)

just imagine a female that can talk about something other than babies, shoes, handbags etc.
because they do exist.

[img] [/img]

I would (and have) no problem with meeting up with other people for beer/coffee, dont mind my other half doing the same. People have different interests so i mix in different groups to suit. I have no interests in some of my girls hobbies so why shouldn't she enjoy her interests with like minded people? (We do have common interests as well)

'Comment of post' prize goes to 66deg - love it

No, I would not do it coz it just waste of time.

What to talk about that you haven't talked with your wife etc?

No idle chatter with others wife alone.

For once I agree with chewkw. No need for idle chatter. You both know what you're there for so just get down to it. Not in the coffee shop obvs.

I go for a beer with my female mate all the time. I went for a dog walk with her last night and then for a pint. I've known her for years and I've known her boyfriend for a while too. We all know where we stand, it's absolutely fine.

My parents could not get their heads around me going on holiday with her last autumn or the fact I'm going to America to see another female friend and it's purely as mates.

nealglover - Member

* She also goes to the cinema with a friend who is, you know, a..... comfortable shoe wearer. I don't find this alarming either.

You should.

He's a proper charmer is CaptainFlashy

You should. I agree with nealglover.

Because that is a confident guy who are not afraid to be himself with his looks or what he wears.

Wearing comfortable shoes means it's quickie in and out ... you dip in and you dip out ... 😛

MrSmith - Member
how enlightened you are.
just imagine a female that can talk about something other than babies, shoes, handbags etc.
because they do exist.

I can assure you I prefer those that do not think too much.

Coffee, beer, bike rides, gigs, shopping, gym. All of the above, don't see the problem. Now if I go with my mate Steve, should his husband be worried? Of course what all those people know is that none of them can compete with mrsmidlife. (In case she's monitoring communication :wink:)

Nopes, not for me. Although i don't have any female friends... at all.
I can't ever imagine a reason why i'd want a female friend. It's either sex/relationship or not.... simple as that. I can't for a second imagine what we'd talk about.

As I started reading the OP so Marika Hackman's Boyfriend started playing on the radio....

[quote=trailwagger ]There is no such thing as a purely platonic relationship imo. There will be an attraction at some level.
so you fancy everyone you know then including your family?

[quote=nealglover ]* She also goes to the cinema with a friend who is, you know, a..... comfortable shoe wearer. I don't find this alarming either.
You should.
He's a proper charmer is CaptainFlashy

APPLAUSE

OT it depends I have a mate who would think I was trying to sleep with his wife if this happened - he once challenged me because I met her in the park - I say met we have young kid the same age and we met by chance
Others it does not matter

FOr example I often turn up at a mates house to pay scrabble with his wife as he goes to band practice

TBH I feel sorry for folk who pick friends based on gender

midlifecrashes - Member
Now if I go with my mate Steve, should his husband be worried?

I have female friends, and I enjoy their company, as I do with my male friends, that is why they are my friends.

Was out alone all day riding (bikes) with a female friend last weekend. She took me to the pub afterwards and bought me a pint. Somehow she managed to restrain herself from jumping my bones.

What an odd thing to bring up.

I know you mentioned "gender irrelevant" , it's because, like Yes..Gender is irrelevant.

[URL= http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o42/Citroenxsara/48697D09-0D33-497F-9F14-9B69E9563D61.jp g" target="_blank">http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o42/Citroenxsara/48697D09-0D33-497F-9F14-9B69E9563D61.jp g"/> [/IMG][/URL]

pictonroad - Member

😆

What an odd thing to bring up.

why odd? it’s obvious that options vary greatly as can bee seen by some of the responses.
I’m amazed some men cannot think of a reason to spend time with members of the opposite sex unless they are their wives/girlfriend/mother/sister ??!? 😯

I just think, living in Town, it's just a huge melting pot of all shapes, sizes, colours, gender and it's kinda hard [i]not to[/i] have friends of a different gender.

Jealous spouses are the ruin of Humanity I reckon.

What a terribly depressing thread. Are we really all so conceited that socializing with friends must mean something else. Or so insecure that we would believe an ulterior motive if our partners want to socialize with friends?

.I’m amazed some men cannot think of a reason to spend time with members of the opposite sex unless they are their wives/girlfriend/mother/sister ??!?

I'm amazed you can! I can't even begin to comprehend it.

I have a charming and very attractive female neighbour who also works from home. We have coffee most days on the communal lawn. It isn't weird.

She thinks her house is haunted.

Actually it might have gotten slightly weird when her boyfriend thanked me for advising her about March 14th.

Err, yes, of course I would. Not really sure why it would be a problem, in fact I've never been considered it as a thing until this thread. My wife has a few male friends too that she meets up with, no issue there either.

They're just mates who happen to be female, maybe I'm naive, not sure.

I'm amazed you can! I can't even begin to comprehend it.

I gave one - because we both like the same bands, and my wife doesn't.

That said, her gender's irrelevant to that. The fact she's a lady is incidental, as far as it matters she's a friend who likes the same music as me.

Sometimes we also talk about our kids - they're in the same class at school. Not sure how that fits in this stereotype clash though.... me, a man discussing childcare type stuff!

I'm also a bit alarmed by some of the responses in this thread. Do people really find unremarkable to admit that they can't imagine a conversation, as friends, with an actual woman? They do post on here you know (maybe less than once was the case?) about the same sort of tedious stuff as the rest of us.

I don't have time for much socialising full stop now, but used to go out with female friends very regularly - drinks and going to visit them.

There is no such thing as a purely platonic relationship imo. There will be an attraction at some level.

So you are saying you fancy your best mate?

I make no apologies for how bad that is or how childishly amusing I've always found it

if they're going to go on and on about how rubbish the coffee is, stale beans, how the nespresso-hyper-steam-machine is set to the wrong grind/pressure matrix, the crime of wearing the wrong cut/thread count/selvedge pattern jeans, can't understand the artistic merit of a photo etc. then

they are probably already on singletrack so be careful what you write...

Some people need to grow up: I have female friends who are in relationships with other men: one of which I slept in the same room with on a uni field trip this weekend. I took my best mates gf, now his fiance, to Kew gardens, whilst he was at work, plus other instances. They are friends. That's how you treat friends. Others I have, and wouldn't hesitate to again, been out for drinks with, without their partners.

Loads of my friends are the opposite sex. Beers or bikes including weekends away without partners is the norm. I hope some of the answers here are a joke or trying to shock.

A classic who'd have thought it single track thread

I think I'm mainly in the have female friends don't really think about it too much. Yes we do stuff bike rides, swimming, beer.

I think I might think more about going to round to their house if they were home alone. I'm not saying I wouldn't I'm jut saying I'd think about it

Nopes, not for me. Although i don't have any female friends... at all.
I can't ever imagine a reason why i'd want a female friend. It's either sex/relationship or not.... simple as that. I can't for a second imagine what we'd talk about.

This is the stand out comment for me and I do try and come on here to accept the world as it is and not always change it.

I did a triathlon last year with 4 female friends and one of their blokes. So alot of the conversations are just like on here. So lunch today it was hows my new gps watch and bike ride last night. She's on about how her swim session went. Then another friends reading a physics book so how is that going. OK they don't quite do technical bike details like we do on here but other than that its very similar

Weirdos.

I think I probably qualify as part of the STW older generation and I don't have any issue with meeting single/married women or for my wife to meet single/married men.

In things like hillwalking, cycling etc, women often find it hard to meet up with like minded women so I've often been out riding, walking etc with them.

Interesting responses to this question so far.

A good few years back, a female member of this forum said she was going to be in Cardiff and asked if anyone would meet up with her for coffee.

I was going to say yes, and even asked my wife if she thought it was okay. Although Mrs SR did indeed say it was fine, I decided not too. I have no recollection as to whom it was, nor do I have any idea what she looked like, but for some reason I decided that my saying 'yes' just would have felt weird. No reason; just gut feeling.

In any case, I have to meet with people of both sexes on their own quite often, and a rule of thumb - one that was drilled into us when we were training - is that we are never, ever to meet with anyone of the opposite sex, nor anyone who could be considered vulnerable, in a situation that another person could even begin to construe as 'compromising'.

I was going to compose a few replies but this is more succinct:

What a terribly depressing thread.

I have male and female friends. I've stayed over for the weekend at a female friend's house who is an ex ummfriend. Not only did nothing "happen" but nothing was ever even remotely likely to happen because we're proper regular friends; even if that ship hadn't sailed a very long time ago and I wasn't married, nothing would have happened. No more that there would be any risk of me playing Hide The Sausage when staying over at a male friend's house, at my sister's house (if I had one) or at a pet shop.

If you can't have female friends because you can't trust yourself to keep it in your pants, or are chewkw and frankly just wrong in the gourd generally, you should probably have a good hard look at yourself.

Lots of selfish views here.

It's also your indirect responsibility to that other person's partner, not to be in situations that could be viewed as questionable. No matter how awesome you are with lashings of self control.

How do you think affairs/doubts/insecurities and the such-like start?

trailwagger - Member
There is no such thing as a purely platonic relationship imo. There will be an attraction at some level.

I have male and female friends. I've stayed over for the weekend at a female friend's house who is an ex ummfriend. Not only did nothing "happen" but nothing was ever even remotely likely to happen because we're proper regular friends; even if that ship hadn't sailed a very long time ago and I wasn't married, nothing would have happened. No more that there would be any risk of me playing Hide The Sausage when staying over at a male friend's house, at my sister's house (if I had one) or at a pet shop.

[b]If you can't have female friends because you can't trust yourself to keep it in your pants, or are chewkw and frankly just wrong in the gourd generally, you should probably have a good hard look at yourself.[/b]

It's also your indirect responsibility to that other person's partner, not to be in situations that could be viewed as questionable.

Aside from the fact the question was "opposite sex" and not "other people's partners,"

Their insecurity is their own issue and absolutely not my responsibility. If they want to be a jealous, paranoid arse then that's their own funeral, maybe they should start trusting their partners that even if someone (me in your example) was to be untoward they'd get kicked back?

Why would you be with someone that you didn't trust? How do you cope with them going out to work every day? Where does that end, get 'em a hajib to be on the safe side?

If my wife said, "I'm going down to London to catch up with old friends" I wouldn't think twice about it, regardless of the friends' gender and sexual preferences*, not because I trust them but because I trust her.

(* - Incidentally way to heteronormalise the issue, everyone. How would you feel if your wife was going meeting a lesbian friend?)

Now you're talking.

🙂

I knew that was coming.

Er, so to speak.

Why would you be with someone that you didn't trust? How do you cope with them going out to work every day?

My other half goes to foreign countries where strange men touch her waist and shoulder (she does Tango dancing)
Fortunately for me we have a relationship where trust and respect are a given, I haven't felt the need to go to her tango classes and thump the fella who happens to be touching her. I'm not that insecure or emotionally juvenile. 🙄

Don't get it.

I have very few very close friends, of whom three are (hetero) women. One younger, one the same age as my wife and one a decade or so older. Two of whom are also the best friends to get hammered with. Never was any sexual chemistry/physical attraction either way (and we've discussed it) - the thought is laughable, it'd be like boffing my sisters!

Weird that so many people seem to think all people are sexually attracted to each other?

If we're doing it as a generational study then I'm nearly 50 and have plenty of female friends that I see for meals, drinks, walks etc. Don't see any problem with it at all. It's more than half the population, the idea that in all those people there's no one that you'd get on without feeling the need to shag is a bit daft.

My wife has a couple of male mates, i have no trust issues with her at all

I just still can't grasp why I'd want a female friend.

(* - Incidentally way to heteronormalise the issue, everyone. How would you feel if your wife was going meeting a lesbian friend?)

already included that in my response, although people assumed it was CFH due to the use of 'comfortable shoes' as a euphemism

Sorry, yes, you're right, I was generalising.

Cougar - Moderator
If you can't have female friends because you can't trust yourself to keep it in your pants, or are chewkw and frankly just wrong in the gourd generally, you should probably have a good hard look at yourself

bearnecessities - Member
Lots of selfish views here.

It's also your [b]indirect responsibility to that other person's partner[/b], not to be in situations that could be viewed as questionable. No matter how awesome you are with lashings of self control.

How do you think affairs/doubts/insecurities and the such-like start?

Besides what interesting topics does she want to talk about that I haven't heard yet or interested in ... seriously ...

Cougar - Moderator
Their insecurity is their own issue and absolutely not my responsibility. If they want to be a jealous, paranoid arse then that's their own funeral, maybe they should start trusting their partners that even if someone (me in your example) was to be untoward they'd get kicked back?

Besides what interesting topics does she want to talk about that I haven't heard yet or interested in ... seriously ...

Busted.

[img] [/img]

Malvern Rider - Member
Besides what interesting topics does she want to talk about that I haven't heard yet or interested in ... seriously ...

Generally speaking like ... so don't flame me. 😆

Politics? Religion? Gender? Wealth? Society? Music? Seriously everything has been discussed by you lot on STW anything else are just repeat or vice versa ... 😆

^^^ This nail it.

If you live in Saudi perhaps.

Yes, they might not have a solid relationship but you might have added to their problems.

How?

They don't have a solid relationship. She cracks on to me. I say, "no ta." What's changed in their relationship by this?

your action might change one of their mind and cause a breakup.

My "action" being "spending time with a friend"? If that causes a break-up then a) their relationship was screwed long before that and b) she's probably better off away from Christian Gray.

No topic is static, even history gets retold in the context of the present day so all topics are fair game, the same as they would be with friends of the same gender. If this wasn't the case what would anyone talk about? We'd all hit 30 decide we'd covered all the topics and remain mute for the rest of our days unless we want to ask someone to pass the ketchup.

That's what gets you into bother, saucy conversations.

Cougar - Moderator
If you live in Saudi perhaps.

How?

They don't have a solid relationship. She cracks on to me. I say, "no ta." What's changed in their relationship by this?

My "action" being "spending time with a friend"? If that causes a break-up then a) their relationship was screwed long before that and b) she's probably better off away from Christian Gray.

Doesn't have to be in Saudi coz people can be weird.

Okay okay ... your way and that's you so I am fine with that.

I don't even know who that Gray bloke is until I googled his name ... he looks a bit psychotic isn't he.

What I am saying is that it's not my style ...

STW: Come for the bikes; stay for the Mumsnet-lite.

Never change people!

people can be weird.

That was essentially my point yes, but probably for different reasons. People can be weird, but that's their monkey.

What I am saying is that it's not my style ...

What, to treat women as equals capable of making their own decisions?

I just still can't grasp why I'd want a female friend

Why is a female friend different?