Found cocaine in wifes handbag. Kids currently living with her. Panicked. – Page 4 – Chat Forum

frustrateddad · 2017-04-01T20:02:05Z

Some background before we get to the major discovery and decision on how to go about what I know I need to do... My wife and I are currently separated, and the kids live with her (she moved away with them closer to her job - I'm in the family house). Lots of background there but it's irrelevant to the current situation. She's struggling to cope with a 4-day a week proper career job and the kids. Her focus is almost entirely on her job - promotions, recognition etc, leaving little time for anything else, including the kids. Her approach to dealing with the kids - even when we were together has been to palm it off on others - mainly Au Pairs - having an Au Pair was her plan to cope when moving out with the kids and she's been through several in a short time. Her behaviour has become increasingly erratic and irresponsible - too tired to get out of bed a lot - spending Sat afternoon in bed and leaving the kids with the Au Pair (who doesn't speak much English and she's known for about 2 weeks). Also starting to have sores appear - on her legs which she's blaming on insect bites and some on her cheeks which she itches but covers with make-up. I have up until now been attributing all of this to the effects of long-term stress and depression. She dropped the kids off at mine on Friday night (unusual, normally I have to pick them up and drop them off each time) and stayed over. Some odd behavior - going to the toilet regularly and for a long time each time. VERY fidgety - simply can't sit still, picking fingers etc. Very hot at night - had the windows open and the room freezing (normally she's the one who likes it way warmer than me). When we went to go to sleep at 1:00AM (i.e. late when you've got kids) she simply couldn't relax - very fidgety, went downstairs and finally went to sleep at gone 3 - couldn't get up the next day - finally emerged at 11 ish. This morning I took a look in her handbag as she's on anti-depressants which she has a habit of leaving there (kids safety issue) - and I find tucked in a side zip pocket a small ziploc bag with prints of Bob Marley on it and a powdery substance inside. I remove it and hide it. She calls me midday-ish to ask If I've gone through her handbag as some of her daily meds are missing - I deny it of course. Tonight after she's gone to bed I take a good look - from close looking and comparing to some internet pics I'm 90% sure it's Cocaine. So - she has some - could be it's belonging to a friend. Could be it's a one-off / occasional thing, i.e. not contributing to the above. I doubt it though. My thought is that until she gets herself sorted out the kids need to stay with me full time. My dilemma is how to go about this without it getting all Jeremy Kyle - social services, laywers etc. Do I phone her / go see her and explain my concerns, and tell her kindly but firmly that to relive pressure on her and for the kids good they'll be with me to give her a chance to sort herself out? Is that too gently-gently? Is it too harsh and she'll get recourse to social services etc / courts who will side with the mother and forcibly put the kids in her care? Feeling very very sad. Not angry, just really wishing this wasn't / didn't need to happen.

thegeneralist

Posts: 9871

Free Member

OP.

Hope the counselling etc work for you.

Can I suggest you be circumspect about what you put on this forum. I'm not on here much but my wife and kids take the piss out of me for "being on SingleTrack again".

It's unlikely anyone on the forum would work out who you are from your new username, but if your wife was motivated and knew anything at all about your internet habits or forum interests then a search for one obvious word would take her straight to this thread...

Posted : 03/04/2017 4:40 pm

Junkyard

Posts: 5559

Free Member

could even land them in care in the worst nightmare scenario

UNlikely as the courts are very unlikely to decide neither of you are fit parents and its very very hard to remove parental responsibility

Hope the counselling works out for you and your family.

Posted : 03/04/2017 6:24 pm

RamseyNeil

Posts: 2652

Free Member

It's unlikely anyone on the forum would work out who you are from your new username, but if your wife was motivated and knew anything at all about your internet habits or forum interests then a search for one obvious word would take her straight to this thread...

I don't think it would matter as the only conclusions anybody could draw about the OP from his posting on here would be that he is a concerned father and partner who is dealing with a very tricky situation with great awareness and compassion .

Posted : 03/04/2017 7:23 pm

mitsumonkey

Posts: 0

Free Member

My inner pessimist is cautious that she might be throwing a sweetener out to calm things down for a while and ward off possible escalation whilst she's got the most exposure.

I think your inner pessimist is right. Sadly.

Posted : 03/04/2017 7:27 pm

jamj1974

Posts: 9249

Full Member

Keeping a diary is brilliant advice. I would be cautious as you are already OP over the couples counselling and stuff sweetener.

Look after yourself and the children and best of luck.

J

Posted : 03/04/2017 8:54 pm

frustrateddad

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Free Member

Topic starter

Thanks everyone. Re what's posted here that's a good point. I've been conscious of that. My identity should not be clear to anyone from normal posting and that's right. I'm no expert but think that there might be libel/slander type issues to consider should me or my wife become named / readily identifiable. However - should she read this it will be clear to her who I'm talking about.

I THINK that nothing I've written is more of less what her and I have talked about - apart from some second-guessing of current/future intentions. Hell, it might even help to direct her here to give her an insight into my thoughts and to see some 3rd party viewpoints. Having said that I will now be going back through my postings to check....

Posted : 03/04/2017 9:13 pm

frustrateddad

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Topic starter

Bit of an aside, but .... I just sent this as a PM to a forum member who sent me a PM offering support - having written it I thought why not post it here - it's not just for this situation but is one of the reasons why I personally find forums such as this fantastic.

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Thanks for the support! I really appreciate your and everyones help and wishes on this.

Random opening up as it's a PM... thinking about the question on the thread "why come here for advice"

I know that I think better when alone, quietly or when removed from personal interactions - so here I can be reflective, confident, forward, timid, aggressive, listen a lot etc as the need suits .... In person less so - I tend to switch between over-shy and over-aggressive. Maybe somewhere low down on the autistic spectrum - maybe just "a bloke" - maybe just "an engineer', maybe "just human" - I don't know. Either way I know that through the forum my inter-personal skills are enhanced such that I listed to others views including those I don't agree with and those that in real life would make me angry. Those are often the best views to listen to.

At work I'm an Engineer - and this is the way that we debate, discuss and agree on things - my mind works this way.

In person with personal matters I tend to get carried away, sometimes angry, sometimes hurt - sometimes am too aggressive and so the other person goes quiet - am often overwhelmed etc. That doesn't happen here.

So... that's my personal reason why I come here for advice - that and the wide range of voices.

Actually, thinking about it - I'll copy & paste this on the thread too.

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Posted : 03/04/2017 9:15 pm

mitsumonkey

Posts: 0

Free Member

A month on, any updates? Is it going well?

Posted : 01/05/2017 9:24 pm

[Closed] Found cocaine in wifes handbag. Kids currently living with her. Panicked.