10 years ago STW was asked whether having kids was really all that.
Predictably there were lots of view points, including lots of people who didn't want kids.
A common response to not wanting kids is some version of 'you'll regret it' or 'you'll change your mind'. As I'm at this decision point with the Mrs, and worried that I will regret my choice or change my mind after she is timed out by age, I thought I'd ask the 19 people who said they didn't want kids where they are now.
Of 19 PMs to people who didn't want kids 10 years ago:
6 didn't have kids, of whom 6 didn't regret it
13 didn't reply
So there we are. 0% of people who didn't have kids live to regret it. The % of people who do regret having kids can't be lower than 0%, so you might as well save the ££, you aren't going to regret it (more).
(Obviously this is a very biased sample and should not be interpreted seriously - it's just rare to ever find out how people's views change on this long term.)
Those 13 did have kids after-all and are too busy out having fun to bother replying.
I take two things from this:
1 - that at least six people will (apparently) respond by PM to a forum member with zero posting history, to share personal details and their feelings about those, and
2 - Around a third of people who chose not to have children also like Crossfit 😉
Meh, it's the same question asked throughout society, the reality is that some people who don't have children tend to be quite vocal about it, i have those friends, they love going out every weekend, going for weekends away, midweek pub visits, etc, and that's their lifestyle, kids or animals would reduce their ability to do this stuff.
It's a completely personal decision, i wouldn't want to go through life without kids, they're a lot of fun, they are through life companions and they are pretty much mini organ donors if the future ever requires it!
2 – people who chose not to have children also like Crossfit 😉
Thats a bit harsh!
As always, the mash covered this well
As some one who would have replied ‘nope’ ten years ago I can still confidently say ‘nope’ today. No regrets there.
Ten years ago I would have been quite vocal about my choice too. Mainly to counter the tiresome and incessant ‘ooohjustyouwaityoullchangeyourmind‘ or ‘whowillcareforyouwhenyouareold’ brigade. Now I’ve got enough years under my belt that people just say nothing. It’s nice.
Be at peace with whatever decision you make (or what life gives you). Life is too short and inconsequential to get hung up about this.
bit harsh!
Haha yeah, classic stereotype! As above, I suspect that people get challenged about their choice so much, it's tempting to dive in with the pre-defence of justifying yourself, then coming over really passionate about the topic!
13 didn’t reply
I would be one of them. Meant to have a poke round your profile to see who you were, but forgot about it because...
1 – that at least six people will (apparently) respond by PM to a forum member with zero posting history, to share personal details and their feelings about those, and
...that's not really me...
No regrets here. I'm slightly more relaxed around children than I used to be - my nephew (10) and niece (8) can be charming in small bursts, but the consistent noise and mess gets very wearing very quickly.
I'm very much of the opinion that the world does not need more people in it, and I wouldn't inflict this current world on the young and innocent either. I'm not sure that either of us are fit to be parents (and I wish there was a theory test on parenting, not just the practical), plus the worst (and therefore most likely) gene combination of the 2 of us would make Damien Thorn look like the baby Jesus...
13 didn’t reply
They've probably just switched all notifications off - I'm not interested in PMs via STW.
NB No Kids and used to do Crossfit - but my box went bust, so back to cycling now.
I’ve got 2 who are now 39 & 35. I was never bothered about having kids that much but I wouldn’t swap them for the world.
Would I have kids now?
Nope.
IMO anyone who wants kids now is being very selfish, they’re not thinking about the future of the kid(s) in these days of so much uncertainty, just their own need to reproduce.
( My son & his Mrs are I believe, wanting to start a family.) 🥺
I’m very much of the opinion that the world does not need more people in it, and I wouldn’t inflict this current world on the young and innocent either.
Said it better than me.
I take two things from this:
1 – that at least six people will (apparently) respond by PM to a forum member with zero posting history
I was one of those. My initial response was "why not start a thread and ask?" because as you say, a sudden random PM from a seven-year old account with zero forum history regarding a 10-year old thread (and starting with "I don't know if you're still active" addressed to probably the most prolific poster on the forum 😁) didn't particularly inspire me into a lengthy conversation.
But yes, nothing's changed, don't regret it.
I regret not having kids, not for the want of trying though, we found out after lots of trying that my then partner couldn't have kids. Regret it a lot & find it hard when people moan about their offspring.
Yes yes, I've been occasionally lurking since 2015. I'm sure I used to post back in the 2010's under some long forgotten username. Thanks to those who did reply.
Obviously no sensible conclusions to draw from a small and biased sample, but let's try anyway eh.
I just skimmed through that thread. Some things don’t change…
Friends of ours decided not to have kids and both have retired aged 50 in the last year. Fat pensions, a big house on the coast, umpteen holidays, always going to gigs and time to pursue their hobbies ad infinitum. I’m happy for them but wouldn’t swap for the rollercoaster of experiences and emotions that come with being a parent.
Obvs there’s so much more I could add as there are so many variables involved… maybe later.
Regular poster posting under another name.
.
I never wanted any but never quite got the courage up to go for the snip, part of that was people trying to convince me that I would change my mind one day.
I was tricked into having one by a (now ex) partner and it is the worst thing which has ever happened to me.
Nothing against the child himself, now 4, it's not his fault and I don't blame him at all, but being a parent is rubbish. No time, no freedom, total change of life. I have never got on with children and no idea how to interact with them. I spend time with him every week because that's what is expected of me and I find it incredibly dull, it's just another chore which needs to be done. Thankfully I think I've managed to hide this from him and he does seem to enjoy our time.
While I don't wish him ill I do wish i could go back and have the strength of my convictions and had the snip years ago (done now!)
I am stuck with this for life.
It has changed my life irreversibly and for the worst, it clearly hasn't turned out how the ex thought it would and the poor boy is the victim of it all growing up in a broken home. Nothing good has come of it.
.
My advice is if you know that you don't want any then you don't. Vasectomies are quick, easy, surprisingly painless (not sure about the female equivalent) and will remove any chance of falling victim to what happened to me. Do it.
I’m very much of the opinion that the world does not need more people in it, and I wouldn’t inflict this current world on the young and innocent either.
this is very well put. That’s before you get into the more personal reasons and complete lack of desire to have kids. We are very happy with no kids and feel sorry for those who have clearly given up on their own interests because of kids
I suppose for full disclosure,
My partner's daughter is now the mum of an ~11-week old son. So I expect my previously well-documented opinions are going to be challenged over the next mumble years, no doubt to great hand-rubbing from certain quarters of the forum. Mostly thus far I've been hiding. 😁
To the OP, for the avoidance of doubt: I meant no criticism, I was just explaining why the circumstances of your PM raised suspicion.
some people love being a parent, some don’t. it’s not the kind of situation that you can be neutral about.
it’s a lot harder than you could imagine or that parents let on and i don’t think it ever stops being hard. i think more people regret it that would admit.
if you like doing your own thing, relaxing in a quiet and tidy home and everything you do not being more difficult then children may not be for you.
Never had any, never wanted any but (age 58), I'm getting somewhat concerned at the lack of rapid roll-out of robotic bum wipers. I'm fortunate that my partner is a fully trained nurse so I'll be looked after when I start* deteriorating but I'm screwed if she leaves me/dies/needs caring herself....
(And she is really screwed if I need to look after her, as I'll be useless)
*reality: it started a some time ago ☹️
/joke
As a single mid thirty-er with zero desire to have kids for many of the reasons mentioned above, its quite hard to find, and keep, longer term relationships!
But, currently that's a cost I'm willing to bear for my freedom...
Love hanging out with kids, but only for 20 mins at a time.
feel sorry for those who have clearly given up on their own interests because of kids
Why? That’s just as bad as the folk who feel sorry for people that don’t have kids. Both very strange viewpoints IMO.
I never really wanted kids because of my upbringing amongst other things. Changed my mind in my thirties and had a son, he’s ace. Didn’t want more than one though. There is a thread on here that covers it and I now have a daughter too. She is fantastic and a proper character. Some days are great and some are not. Anyone that claims it’s all sunshine and daffodils is a liar.
Have kids, don’t have kids. It’s all good and up to the couple making the decision.
I don’t want either of mine looking after me when I’m old. I want them to enjoy their lives. Hopefully they’ll live miles away on another continent by the time I’m royally ****ed.
13 didn’t reply
I was one of those too! Again, poking around your profile to see if I wanted to reply was on the to do list but never got done.
It appears that childless people are not very trusting!
No, still no regrets. I'm now 50, the ship has sailed and I'm still happy I was not onboard. I'm probably more mellow about a lot of things now then I was then - (I've not looked back at the first thread - I was probably an opinionated arse and it would be too cringe to read) and I'm probably less prickly about it now, mainly because it's stopped being a topic of conversation with busybodies trying to pick apart our decision. For some reason that's an ok thing to do if you decide not to have kids but the reverse not so much.
My thoughts now:-
1- We are remarkably adaptable chameleons. The Convert in another dimension who had kids is probably pretty happy with his lot too. For that reason I'm not sure the question is particularly valid. People are more than likely to say they are happy with what they chose because they are whichever way they jumped; not because they need to confirm it to themselves but because they just are. I think men are particularly good chameleons on this subject - most of us will jump in the direction our partner wishes and are happy with the outcome.
2- In the intervening years I actually became a boarding school housemaster for 5 years. I was a houseparent, saying goodnight to 110 17-18 year old boys and girls every night. Dealing with the police when they messed up, listening to their troubles and concerns, hold their heads as they puked up, sharing the joy with their triumphs. It was awesome and appalling in equal measures. At no point did I ever wish any of them were my kids.
3- I'm getting some of friends back. Well, I didn't lose them completely but they had their priorities shifted. They spent their lives carting kids to swimming galas and going to crappy family friendly holiday places. And they seemed to love it. But as their kids fly the nest they are returning to their old ways. And loving that too. You could be glass half full or empty about that and see it the way that suits your narrative - they either spend 16-18 years not doing as much of the stuff they liked (kids are bad) or when it's all over childless life is still there waiting for you (it's not forever).
Whatever - I hope you make a good decision for you. And when you do, just chill and enjoy being what you have elected to be and don't waste too much energy wondering what might have been.
Edit - for balance why did you not ask a similar number of people who had had children 10 years ago if they regret it today? Again, a little bit of bias there about why it's ok to question one group but not the other? Same old, same old.
being a parent is rubbish. No time, no freedom, total change of life.
From my experience, and also some wise words from a friend years ago, its all about being with the right partner. I don't mean this to be trite nonsense, I don't expect anyone has a perfect relationship, but my other half has always known that I need to do stuff that makes me happy, too. Ride bikes, meet mates, go away for weekends. I doubt I do *that* much less than before kid because I was nonchalant about doing stuff then, now I don't miss an opportunity to (without taking the piss). There's a balance to be found, a change in priorities maybe, but life goes on. Watching them learn to ride bikes, climb rocks, swim in lakes is great.
And apologies at this point to RocketDog, That's a tough take on it, we were nearly in that position ourselves, which leads me on to...
What I do regret is not having kids sooner due to swithering for years over whether I wanted them or not and leaving it too late for a second. Its hard listening to an only child ask why they don't have a sibling, when we both know it would have enriched her life many-fold - and that's on me.
IMO anyone who wants kids now is being very selfish, they’re not thinking about the future of the kid(s) in these days of so much uncertainty, just their own need to reproduce.
So you had kids under the threat of nuclear war, but that was ok?
If no-one has kids, then we will all be really ****ed when we get old. What we need is very slow population decline. So if you want kids have two, if you don't, don't.
Edit – for balance why did you not ask a similar number of people who had had children 10 years ago if they regret it today? Again, a little bit of bias there about why it’s ok to question one group but not the other? Same old, same old.
I did think about this, but it was a concious decision not to bother because
1) obviously they will still have had kids
2) it's rare that people (admit) regretting their kids - few did 10 years ago, and there's no reason I've come across to expect more/fewer do now.
3) the main reason I asked only childless/free answers is that there's a narrative that people who say that they don't want kids will regret it one day, or change their mind. A single answer only captures a snapshot of their feelings, but can't address this narrative. It's rare to see people followed up such a long time later.
IMO anyone who wants kids now is being very selfish, they’re not thinking about the future of the kid(s) in these days of so much uncertainty, just their own need to reproduce.
100% this, why would you want a kid to be born into this world where we cure diseases, look after the disabled and needy, have an abundance of food, housing, the possibility of seeing large parts of the world and learning so much about our world and universe when you could be born at any other point in history and be raped, killed, die of disease or some combination of the above 😂
By the way I don’t have kids, and I realise climate change is real but only by putting new people around and educating them do we solve the issue. Ever seen idiocracy?
3) the main reason I asked only childless/free answers is that there’s a narrative that people who say that they don’t want kids will regret it one day, or change their mind. A single answer only captures a snapshot of their feelings, but can’t address this narrative. It’s rare to see people followed up such a long time later.
fair enough
1) obviously they will still have had kids
2) it’s rare that people (admit) regretting their kids – few did 10 years ago, and there’s no reason I’ve come across to expect more/fewer do now.
hmmm - not so sure about that. Yes, very few will say they are not happy with their decision (as it appears to be the case the other way too) - but it still sounds like it's too sensitive a question to ask. "Mate, you've become an argumentative sod since you became a dad and you seem to be living your life entirely through them - you sure being a dad was really for you?" is a question very rarely asked!
We had 2 of our grandsons stay over on Thursday night. Today is the first time I feel vaguely human after we were all stricken by the norovirus one of them brought as a present. Missed riding at the weekend and a classic day windsurfing at West Kirby today.
Wouldn't miss them for the world.
I’ve got 2 who are now 39 & 35. I was never bothered about having kids that much but I wouldn’t swap them for the world.
Would I have kids now?
Nope.
IMO anyone who wants kids now is being very selfish, they’re not thinking about the future of the kid(s) in these days of so much uncertainty, just their own need to reproduce.
So your kids were born in 1983 and 1987. We're the 80s and 90s any different to the 20s? We have always been one nutter away from world war 3 and end of the world. Sometimes you just need to take a leap of faith like you did twice.
But I do get this, I didn't want kids for a long time, worried about what would happen with the world, worried if they got sick, worried about money, worried about being too selfish and missing out on what I wanted to do.
But I got to the point in my late 30s where I felt like I was in ground hog day, doing the same thing, day in, day out and I was bored and I realised I was ready for children. Well child, I only ever wanted 1.
Mini D is 4 now and he's amazing, he's my little mate. We do everything together and I love him, he's my world. Yes he's hard work, he wakes me up at 6am and I'm always tired and I spend all my money on him.
But I still get to ride my bike and climb, it just takes more effort and planning and it uses the little energy I have left and takes a lot of will power when most of the time I'd love to just go to sleep.
The older he gets the better he gets. Today we were teaching him to swim. Absolutely love spending time with him and wouldn't change it for the world.
If your really not sure then don't do it, it's a huge commitment and it's bloody hard work. When your ready you will know it. Just don't leave it too late and expect everything to happen overnight, sometimes it takes a long time and then it can be too late. Good luck
I replied
At the time I only had the 1 kid
Now we've got 4!
My eldest has almost finished his first solo Airfix model and was waiting up to telle when I just got in!
So yeah it's still great
it’s a lot harder than you could imagine or that parents let on and i don’t think it ever stops being hard.
This
i think more people regret it that would admit.
I don’t. I think it’s the hardest job I’ve ever done, but I love my kids unequively and don’t regret it at all.
if you like doing your own thing, relaxing in a quiet and tidy home and everything you do not being more difficult
This is basically my retirement plan 😃
Have kids, don’t have kids. It’s all good and up to the couple making the decision.
My view too. As ever, we seem to be digging trenches and lobbing grenades at those who disagree.
It's of note that some of child-free posters choose to use dismissive terms about other posters who are parents while effectively saying...each to their own.
I have 3 children, all now adults; 3 grandchildren.
I have no regrets and neither do the parents of my grandchildren.
It’s of note that some of child-free posters choose to use dismissive terms about other posters
Is it? What did I miss?
Didn't we have this thread a couple of months ago?
So you had kids under the threat of nuclear war, but that was ok?
The threat of nuclear conflict was there certainly, but no more, & maybe less than it is now. The ‘hole in the ozone layer’ however was just pie in the sky. Climate change is here to stay, for a long long time.
I don’t want any grandkids to come into this shit.
I don’t want any grandkids to come into this shit.
You say that but yet,
The world has always been burning. I remember a narrative of "oh I couldn't possibly bring a child into the world today" back when I was little and it was as bogus then as it is now as it was before.
My generation was Thatcher's Britain, we had Regan sabre-rattling with the USSR and to paraphrase Billy Connolly, "this man has his finger on the button, he's the same age as my grandad and we can't trust him with the TV remote." Teenagers were genuinely scared of dying as virgins in a nuclear war but couldn't have a shag because AIDS would kill us.
Insert other generations here. We didn't have to worry about, say, Polio. We were being inoculated for TB. The life expectancy wasn't in the 40s. Our parents weren't having eight children in the hope that at least some of them made it to puberty. We had drinking water that reliably wasn't contaminated with typhoid. We had indoor toilets. How much farther back do we need to go to find the good old days?
It's always been worse than it was. It's always been better than it was. Plus ca change.
I honestly couldn't give a shit if people do or don't want kids.
I also couldn't give a shit about their opinions on my choices!
End of the day people need to stop pushing themselves onto others and just get on with their lives. The best thing about people is their differences.
Friends of ours decided not to have kids and both have retired aged 50 in the last year. Fat pensions, a big house on the coast, umpteen holidays, always going to gigs and time to pursue their hobbies ad infinitum. I’m happy for them but wouldn’t swap for the rollercoaster of experiences and emotions that come with being a parent.
So this - have a great holiday then great. Find out that one of your kids is in the highest percentile for running / achieving something great academically / finding activities that they are passionate about / being mature enough to cope with and help with a foster child in our house. That’s something to be very proud of and perhaps I need to tell myself that more often when they do stress me out.
Didn't want kids back then (I remember the original thread) and still don't want them now.
I’m very much of the opinion that the world does not need more people in it, and I wouldn’t inflict this current world on the young and innocent either.
Very much this, partly because the world is seemingly going to hell and getting worse generally but also due to my own childhood being mostly complete and utter crap. My parents were great but the constant bullying that carried on into adult life for a long time from my peers has left indelible scars that will likely never be healed. I don't particularly want to be in this life myself so why would I inflict it in an innocent child with no say in the matter? I've got no issue with other people having kids as that is their decision and they can be fun to be around at times, much to my mum's annoyance I'm pretty good with my niece and nephew so she can't understand why I don't want my own!
I was tricked into having one by a (now ex) partner and it is the worst thing which has ever happened to me.
Nothing against the child himself, now 4, it’s not his fault and I don’t blame him at all, but being a parent is rubbish. No time, no freedom, total change of life. I have never got on with children and no idea how to interact with them. I spend time with him every week because that’s what is expected of me and I find it incredibly dull, it’s just another chore which needs to be done. Thankfully I think I’ve managed to hide this from him and he does seem to enjoy our time.
While I don’t wish him ill I do wish i could go back and have the strength of my convictions and had the snip years ago (done now!)
I am stuck with this for life.
It has changed my life irreversibly and for the worst, it clearly hasn’t turned out how the ex thought it would and the poor boy is the victim of it all growing up in a broken home. Nothing good has come of it.
This is a scenario I very narrowly avoided after a friend of an ex tipped me off of her plan. If she had made it work I'd have been livid and most likely the resulting kid would have sensed it from me. Glad I found out before it happened. I did have the snip a few weeks later, had to fight to have it at 29!
Not wanting kids has caused me to have failed relationships and prevented others even starting but at no point have I ever regretted my decision.
the reality is that some people who don’t have children tend to be quite vocal about it
Yeah. It's totally those who are child-free who are vocal about it. Definitely not the other way around.
So you had kids under the threat of nuclear war, but that was ok?
i’m pretty sure global warming was known about back then, too. that may have even been the time to do something about it. not to worry.
