Topic starter
It's been a while since we've had one of these.
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I've just got home from this year's FibonacciCon. It was as big as the last two put together.
Posted : 08/12/2023 12:59 pm
Topic starter
I'm really excited for the next autopsy club. It's open Mike night!
Posted : 08/12/2023 1:00 pm
Topic starter
I used to date a tennis player but she hated that I'd not learnt much about the game.
She'd come in and asked "What's 40-0?" and I'd reply "Beans on toast."
Posted : 08/12/2023 1:01 pm
I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me…
Posted : 08/12/2023 1:13 pm
A non gender specific human walked into a bar
Posted : 08/12/2023 1:22 pm
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Clearly the bar hadn't been set high enough
Posted : 08/12/2023 2:00 pm
My wife said she's leaving me because I'm obsessed with cricket. I have to say it's hit for six.
Posted : 08/12/2023 2:09 pm
My wife told me that she wants us to split up due to my obsession with detective movies.
I said 'Good idea, we'll cover more ground that way.'
Posted : 08/12/2023 2:27 pm
A friend showed me his plan to open an erasable pen factory, but I can't see it working.
Posted : 08/12/2023 2:34 pm
Do electric car owners listen to AC-DC while driving or do they prefer something more current?
Posted : 08/12/2023 2:41 pm
Teacher says to the class, “the word of the day is contagious, can anyone use it in a sentence”
Mary’s hand shoots up “yes miss, my granny recently got Covid, which is a contagious disease”
That’s brilliant Mary, what about you Johnny?
”err yes miss, our next door neighbour is painting the fence with a one inch brush, and my Da says it’s going to take the contagious”
Posted : 08/12/2023 2:43 pm
Just been on the weight watchers website, it's asking do I accept cookies, crafty barstewards.
Posted : 08/12/2023 2:46 pm
Harrods have had to stop selling Russian advent calendars. Every time a window was opened another oligarch fell out.
Posted : 08/12/2023 3:02 pm
Me and my girlfriend went to stay at her dads house but he wouldn't let us sleep together. Shame as I really fancy him.
Posted : 08/12/2023 3:04 pm
Did you hear about the christmas cake on display in the British Museum? It was Stollen.
Posted : 08/12/2023 3:16 pm
My wife's leaving me because of my obsession with quoting Monkee's song lyrics
At first I thought she was kidding.....
'and then i saw her face'
(best delivered verbally TBH)
Posted : 08/12/2023 3:18 pm
How do you know if your flatmate's a bass player.
Because they're constantly forgetting the key and keep coming in late.
Posted : 08/12/2023 3:20 pm
oldtennisshoes and oldtennisshoes reacted
I split up with my cross eyed girlfriend because she was seeing someone else .
Posted : 08/12/2023 3:20 pm
theotherjonv and theotherjonv reacted
Earlier this year I started a business producing bonsai trees. It's going so well that I'm going to have to find smaller premises.
Oh, and those Russian Dolls - they're just so full of themselves.
Posted : 08/12/2023 3:21 pm
hardtailonly and hardtailonly reacted
I knew a bassist who got so down with his band mates telling him how bad his timing was, he went and threw himself behind a bus.
Posted : 08/12/2023 3:24 pm
A bad limbo dancer walked into a bar ….
Posted : 08/12/2023 3:51 pm
MoreCashThanDash and MoreCashThanDash reacted
A man visited a pub. As he reached the bar a bowl of peanuts spoke and said: “You’re looking fine today sir, and may I say that’s a marvellous suit”.
The man didn’t know how to react, so he wandered over to the fruit machine. As he was approaching the machine sneered: “Get out of here! I’m not having a git like you playing me. Go on, piss off!”
The man returned to the bar and asked the barman what was going on: “I’ve never heard anything like this in a pub. What exactly is going on?”<br /><br />“Don’t worry about it, they’re like that with everyone” the barman replied, “the peanuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order”.
Posted : 08/12/2023 3:58 pm
onewheelgood and onewheelgood reacted
Why are Native American chiefs buried on the top of hills? Because they're dead.
Posted : 08/12/2023 5:06 pm
How do Mexican’s keep warm?
they use chicken fajitas!!
(Confess I nicked that from here on a previous joke thread -but it’s my fave joke now!!)
Posted : 08/12/2023 5:32 pm
Topic starter
I told my girlfriend I was building a model of Mount Everest.
She asked, "is it to scale?"
I replied, “no, it's to look at."
Posted : 08/12/2023 5:46 pm
How do you know if there's a drummer at the door?
Knocks 3 times and comes in late.
Posted : 08/12/2023 5:52 pm
A non gender specific human walked into a bar
?
Posted : 08/12/2023 5:54 pm
A squirrel walks into a corner shop.
"I'd like a bag of.... peanuts please." says the squirrel.
"Why the small pause?" says the shop assistant.
"Cos I'm a frickin' squirrel!"
Posted : 08/12/2023 8:22 pm
Topic starter
A man walks into a bar.
clang!
It was a metal bar.
Posted : 08/12/2023 11:00 pm
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He used to lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog…
Posted : 08/12/2023 11:23 pm
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Posted : 08/12/2023 11:51 pm
Topic starter
Did you hear about the non-binary gold prospector?
They made a fortune in them/their hills.
Posted : 08/12/2023 11:55 pm
My grief counsellor died the other day.
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
(Thanks to Gary Delaney)
Posted : 09/12/2023 12:00 am
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch (or yummy), it was a Lion Bar.
Posted : 09/12/2023 12:00 am
A man walks into a pub.
clang!
It was a metal pub.
Posted : 09/12/2023 12:07 am
Topic starter
They've just announced another suspect from the Operation Yewtree investigation. Morph has been outed as a playdohphile.
Posted : 09/12/2023 12:23 am
good news for insomniacs, only 3 more sleeps till Christmas
Then there was the dyslexic devil worshiper. He sold his soul to Santa.
Posted : 09/12/2023 1:02 am
I've posted this a few times already, but for those of you who are new 🙂
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
Posted : 09/12/2023 1:03 am
A ghost walked through a bar.
Posted : 09/12/2023 1:14 am
My obese pet parrot died the other day….. It was a weight of my shoulders.
Went to the zoo yesterday, saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper said it was bread in captivity.
Why do Astronomers put beef in their shower?……So they can have a meatier shower.
What has there never been a pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken always came in a different box.
Posted : 09/12/2023 2:50 am
An Aberdeen fan had a heart attack during a romantic moment with a sheep. He was a dyed in the wool supporter.
Posted : 09/12/2023 5:22 am
I hate that funerals are always held at 9am. I’m not a mourning person.
Posted : 09/12/2023 6:33 am
Why don’t boxers have sex before a fight?
They don’t like each other that much
Posted : 09/12/2023 8:09 am
MoreCashThanDash and MoreCashThanDash reacted
A man asks the librarian do you have any books on euthanasia , go away she said you folk never bring the books back
Posted : 09/12/2023 8:40 am
I took a shortcut through the churchyard on my way to the shops and saw a bloke crouched behind a gravestone.
“Morning!” I shouted cheerily
“No” he replied “ I’m having a shit.”
Posted : 09/12/2023 8:41 am
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